I need honest opinions
Ss has had a complete flip in behavior. Not completely but now I feel like his physical affection is bordering on inappropriate. After my Dh suggested sending Ss away to a therapeutic school, we had two days of silent treatment. And after the two days, Ss starts hugging Dh when he gets home. And last Tuesday, he gives my Dh a quick peck on the lips. Yesterday, the peck lingered too long for my liking. But I may have imagined it. Maybe this would have been fine if it was something they always did. Ss did this when he was 7. And he is 14 next week.
We talked to the new therapist and he says its normal. Ss just needed some human contact because he was deprived of it for so long. Ok, fine, I can understand that. But I am finding it very difficult to deal with Ss asking my Dh to sleep in the bed with him for the past two days. I am finding it very inappropriate and with Ss's history and I just want to expose ourselves to legal problems. But with therapist saying we should provide the contact Ss needs, I feel like I am overreacting.
I have kept a much closer eye on Ss around my children now. I do not know what kind of human contact he needs but it scares me more to have him alone with my children. And something in me tells me that Ss might be acting like this because he thinks being more affectionate will make my Dh not want to send him away. That comment was made in frustration and my Dh never meant it. He explained to Ss after that he would never send him away.
And I don't really know the new therapist well so i am finding it hard to trust. He has not even talked to my son properly. The first session they had was last week and he told us Ss cried through the whole thing.
I need to know that I am just being paranoid. I feel guilty for being so suspicious of Ss. What does everyone think?
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Your right on the money. Its
Your right on the money. Its creepy. For sure keep a close eye on your kids when he is around them. You have every right to be paranoid. I would. If its in your gut girl then follow it. I call my gut the "Mothering Spot" It always just knows and I must go with it because its ALWAYS right!! Do Not question yoursef. Hope this was helpful for you:)
Thanks for validating my
Thanks for validating my feelings. I feel horrible for for not trusting my Ss but I do not want another victim in my house.
Here's my advice, for what
Here's my advice, for what it's worth. First, I'd allow leeway with your husband. Perhaps it will be good for his son to see that no matter what physical affection he shows your husband, your husband will not and would never do anything inappropriate with him and I honestly think that the less 'big deal' you make out of that, the sooner it will subside.
As far as your children... the sad truth is, most abusers learn the abuse from their own childhood experiences. I wouldn't make a big marked deal of it but no, I would not leave your SS alone with them. He has had horrible experiences and he's 14, an age where testosterone is flying and even a boy with no abuse in his history has a hard time knowing at times what to do with it. So, not only for the sake of your children, but also for the sake of your SS, don't leave them in situations that could lead to sadness for everybody.
hugs
M
You are right. If Ss needs
You are right. If Ss needs the contact the therapist says he needs, I will not stop it. The poor guy has not let us hug him for years. The therapist has said that the behavior will go away in time like you said.
I hate to stereotype but you are right, abuse victims are likely to become abusers. It saddens me and terrifies me at the same time. My Dh would be very upset if he knew I suspected his son in this way. But I have to think about my own children
Hi Jojo. I know I come off as
Hi Jojo. I know I come off as ignorant making assumptions like that. I have read a lot of statistics about abuse victims and I know logically that Ss will probably not abuse anyone. But with my kids I can't seem to get over it. The fact that there is a tiny chance of it happening, and taking into the extent of Ss's abuse, I fear for my children's safety. I am scared to even leave them alone when I go to the backyard to do gardening. I take them with me under the pretense of them playing.
We are not in family therapy with Ss. It was difficult enough getting him in individual therapy. He is very ashamed of what happened and refuses to share anything with us. We hope in the future he will be more comfortable to share his feelings with us. I do wish my Dh would go to therapy on his own like I am.
I don't blame you for being
I don't blame you for being suspicious. This kid was sexually abused (and we all know people who have been sexually abused can become sexual offenders), and he goes from wanting NO contact at all to kissing his dad on the lips and wanting him to sleep with him?!?! :jawdrop: He is way too old to be kissing his dad on the lips and way too old to be sleeping with a parent. I hope your husband isn't actually sleeping with him.
Something is up here. Unfortunately, he probably doesn't know how to initiate physical contact appropriately and he is trying to suck up right now because he's worried his dad will send him away.
I wouldn't allow him to be anywhere with my kids alone either. If you feel like something is wrong, it's usually because it is.
My Dh does sleep in the bed
My Dh does sleep in the bed with him. Ss holds on to my Dh' hand while sleeping and my Dh leaves around 12 to come back in our bed. But the therapist insists its normal. I think I just can't accept it because he is not a small kid. But he does not know better on how to act physically with others. He either completely shuts off or is too close for comfort.
It seems odd that your SS is
It seems odd that your SS is acing that way. I think that if you feel worried about him being alone around your kids then you need to trust your maternal instincts and keep an eye on things.
When I was taking my psychology course the prof told us that a lot of people will ignore their instincts because they don't want to offend other people.
Example: You are walking alone at night, someone is walking toward you on the same side of the street, you get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomache. You want to cross the street but you don't want to offend the person walking toward you so you stay where you are. This person then proves that your instincts were right and rapes and kills you.
Extreme example I know, but a lot of people do ignore their gut feelings.
What if you choose to ignore your instincts and you allow him to be alone around your children and he sexually abuses them? I imagine that you would feel absolutely horrible for not paying attention to what your instincts were telling you.
When it comes to your children I would rather be safe than sorry, no matter who it might offend.
I hope this helps, and I hope that your SS gets better.
Krazykate12, you just
Krazykate12, you just reminded me of an excellent book I read years ago. I highly recommend it for anyone who wants to learn more about trusting their instincts.
http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508...
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing this. So far, Ss has only let Dh show any physical affection. We have been doing the verbal encouragement from the start. It pretty much just rolls of his back. I will google search that doctor. Thank you for the great information. I do not know what is going in on in Ss's car so its really hard for me to understand sometimes.
I'm NOT a therapist so take
I'm NOT a therapist so take this with a grain of salt. It seems as if your SS's body is 14 but emotionally he is much younger in regards to developmental stages. My instinct is that SS is going thru a developmental stage in regards to healthy physical contact that normally happens much younger. Once he because comfortable he'll move on to another stage.
Perhaps it would make it less creepy for you to temporary pretend he's not 14 and to not apply the behavior standards of 14 to him.
Like I said, just thoughts from the peanut gallery.
You are right. Others have
You are right. Others have also said this on here. But your advice sounds something a psychologist would say. Maybe I just need some time getting my head wrapped around the idea. Hard to think of a 14 year old as 8 year old. Thank you for your thoughts.