It sounds to me like your partner is a chocolate teapot. Seems nice but it's not capable of fulfilling its function. It doesn't seem like hes capable of fulfilling what you need from him. And you sound like a chocoholic, desperately throwing on more layers to try to make it work.

I've no idea why chocolate is the imagery my brain came up with, maybe I'm hungry. But seriously, read your post and ask yourself of that was your friend or daughter, what would you say to them? 

I just finished catching up on your blogs because I wondered how you were doing and then this blog appeared.  

Honestly, I'm surprised you are still trying at this point!  You deserve so much better and he knows it.  He is putting in such minimal effort and still being a manipulative POS!  Don't fall for it!!!!  

I didn't see any signs of improvement in this blog!  

Sorry, not trying to be a Debbie Downer but this man doesn't deserve you!

This man is abusive and frankly I don't see anything real that's changed in 71 days and 3 counseling sessions.

You need to get out.  Right now you are modeling an abusive relationship to the girls. That can't be what you want. It's certainly not what you deserve!

"Is he improving? He!! yes."

Really? NONE of that is an improvement. Seems like the same old stuff.

"I've seen glimmers of genuine humility and sorrow and a big heart."

You've seem some of the show he can put on which is why you got sucked into the drama in the first place. It's NOT genuine if that bulleted list are the asinine things he's still saying and doing.

I hope that the session tonight helps you. If you havent gone yet, it might be a good idea to print out a copy of this list to discuss. 

His transition is not going to be quick or easy, he is not going to change over the course of a couple of months despite what he wants to imagine. I might be tempted to start looking at renting my own place if I were you or at least signing a contract with your coworker to make things a bit more formal and to show your husband that you intend to stay put for at least 6-12 months and he needs to work on himself in that time if he is to have any chance of you moving back in after that.

At the moment, from what you have writen, I do not see a man who is going to fundamentally change. When you say that he is changing in small ways I just think that it is him doing the old honeymoon routine after a bad patch to real you in again until he cannot contain himself any longer and has another abusive/posessive outburst. Have you looked up the typical cycle that abusers go through with partners? If you have not seen it, google it, it may help you to spot the patterns. 

I know that you love these girls, and that you do not want to abandon them. Sometimes though we have to move on in life, even from the good things. You have given them years of your time and love and attention. You have had a positive impact on thier lives and that is a great thing. But staying in the relationship is probably not healthy for you and if you are not healthy you need to put your life jacket on first before you can help anyone else. If you are able to maintain some sort of relationship with them (without having your generosity being taken advantage of or your husband constantly harassing you) then that would be great. However you could also wait until they are adults and then reach out to them to try to reconnect with them without their father involved. Hopefully they will remember your good influence and want to rebuild a relationship. If not, you know that you did your best for them and that is all anyone could have asked for. I have always found it tough when breaking up with a partner that you loose the close connection with thier family and friends, I can only imagine that loosing the connection with children that you helped raise would be a whole other level of grief to have to go through. Be easy on yourself.

I watched the video on the life360 website...it is creepy...I would delete that app right away and check there are not any other location tracking things on your phone (some abusers install them without their partners knowing). I read a story the other day about a woman whoes (now ex-) partner had put software on her phone that allowed him to listen in and even watch her through the camera on her phone as well as record what she was doing on the phone...apparently it is relatively cheap for abusers to buy this type of software. It is scary. 

Frankly, my advice is to walk away.  I'm not seeing the changes from what you wrote. I'm seeing him continuing to be a selfish jerk.  I think you're just prolonging the inevitable. I hope for your sake I'm wrong.

There are times when a "geographical cure" is the solution.  It sounds like this man is almost an addiction that you can not shake and the only thing that will get you free of it is to get away from him so that your head will clear.   Can you take some time from work if you combiine vacation and personal time?  Do you have any relatives or good friends away from the area that you can stay with?  After that you may decide that actually moving a distance away would be a healthy thing to do so that you can make a clean break from him.  Because it does not sound like he will ever leave you alone if you are anywhere near him and he will do everything possible to stay relevant to you after you cut him loose.  Getting physical distance from him may be the best way to end the connection and get on with your life.

But riight now he is just tormenting you.  And I think you are tormenting yourself trying to make the relationship work.  You know in your heart that he is too damaged to actually be your life partner.  Time to be your own best friend and call time of death on this so you can start to heal.  We all know that it is hard and are pulling for you!  

I've thought a lot about whether or not I could stay with DH if he cheated on me. I know for him it's a total deal breaker, and honestly, I'm not capable of cheating on him.  But would I stay?  I don't know. It's not a total deal breaker, but if I did stay, it would have to be because a) the cheating was a stupid mistake that happened one time, and b) he feels horrible about himself for doing it and that shows.

I don't see that with your H. He seems like he doesn't feel bad at all really, he's just putting on a show to get you to come home and then he will go back to baseline.  Will he cheat again? I don't know.  But will he take you for granted again and treat you poorly? Almost certainly, YES.

Why do you want this to work, is it not wanting to fail? Missing the girls? I hear you miss the dog, but not to be flippant, there are lots of lovable pooches at the shelter, waiting for someone just like you.  What keeps you hanging in there?

PA, what do you need? Is it a place to live, because I got spare rooms. A job? DH is an IT manager and could find you something really quickly. A dude who's DTF? That can be arranged.

Seriously. Your "husband" was looking at ENGAGEMENT RINGS with another woman. He was ready to replace you before even telling you that he was done. He was going to remove you and give the girls a new "mom" whether you wanted that or not.

What you want doesn't take rocket science to give, but he's too much of an <insert every expletive here> to even consider it.

Tough truth time:

It's not you that he wants. He just wants *someone* to literally and figuratively suck his d*ck and take care of his responsibilities. If it isn't you, it would be someone else.

And I guaran-fracking-tee you that the ONLY reason he can't find a new sugar momma now is because he doesn't have time to sleep around and hook another one. If you go back, he'll go right back to cheating until he finds a new piece who's more subservient with a better paycheck.

I love you, girl. You are one of very, very few members that I talk to privately and that knows my real name. I'm telling you like I'd tell my sister or my best friend: this dude doesn't give two sh*ts about you or "us". You are a sexy paycheck with a soft spot for his kids that is willing to put up with his horsesh*t because he has beaten the life out of you.

YOU. ARE. BETTER. THAN. THIS.

Repeat that over and over again. And I get it! I thought my XH was just was a husband was until my DH showed me that men CAN be equal adults and SHOULD be equal adults in a relationship.

It's not hard to be a good spouse. You know that because you have been a good spouse. There are trying times, but not this. This is chaos. This is bullsh*t to the max. The only thing you're missing from being the poster child for abused women is a black eye. Your relationship SUCKS and won't improve. It. Just. Won't.

So stop this. Show the girls that a strong woman knows when she is being played and she bounces. Show yourself that you deserve SO MUCH MORE than this douche-canoe. He's a screaming, crying, abusive man child whose only glimmers of change that are coming through are his realization that he's about to lose AND LOSING THE GAME - NOT LOSING YOU - MAKES HIM UPSET.

You are coming up on a FULL YEAR since you told him he needed to change, and he hasn't done anything more than surface level crap. It's easy to say that you're an abuser but it's a whole other to own it, and he hasn't done one lick of that.

If you go back, you're showing the girls EXACTLY how they should expect to be treated. If you go back, you'll end up out on your arse when he finds his next victim (and if he gets more than a night free anytime soon, he'll hook a desperate one), and I promise you that it will happen in weeks to months. If you go back, you throw away EVERY dream you have.

He. Doesn't. Care. About. You.

He. Isn't. Capable. Of. Caring. About. You.

You're. A. Doll. To. Him. That f**ks and cooks better than plastic.

Please, PLEASE get out of this. You have tried for a year. He hasn't. Put a bullet in this sh*t.

Some great advice you've been given so I won't repeat it. 
 

But wanted to give you some perspective from someone who has BTDT with too many bad relationships.  I spent 4 years with a man that were up and down because of his indiscretions.  He would do something awful I'd leave. He would beg and plead about how much he loved me. I finally ended it 6 weeks before our wedding. You know what he did?  He married the girl he'd been cheating with 2 weeks later. And then STILL proceeded to call and cry and beg me to come back. I did not find out that he had married for several months as this was long before social media existed.  The man stalked me and professed undying love for decades. And believe me I gave him NO encouragement. 
 

My second big relationship was literally the "love of my life".   I was obsessed with him. Again after much abuse I finally broke it off for good. Hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I had to do it for my survival. I had to fight my intense desire to just be with him under any circumstances. 
 

You can do this. 

Ask your therapist about the roller coaster or cycle of abuse. He's crappy, you pull away, he plays nice nice for the five and a half minutes he's capable of it, you're on an upswing thinking maybe he's finally getting better, then he has a break where you're a slut for not wearing a bra in your bedroom, and the roller coaster is plunging to the ground again. Repeat ad nauseum. YOU have to get OFF the roller coaster. See the therapist without him to figure out your plan for not going back. You need a phone a friend who agrees to take your call anytime you start thinking you want to spend some time with him. Someone who knows the crap he's put you through and will remind you how awful your life is with him. Someone who will talk you out of talking to him. Your list of the ongoing crap while you've been separated for more than two months is something you should read every morning and every night to give you the strength to cut this a-hole out of your life permanently. 

I’d say him cheating is only one of the problems. What’s most mortifying is that he continues abusing you NOW.

You begging him to start treating you well is kind of degrading. He is the one who cheated yet he feels he is within his rights to continue be abusive and you continue fighting for his love and attention. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

You are still the one trying to please him, while it should be the other way around. You surprised him whth shopping spree? I’d surprise him with swift kick in the butt and divorce papers served. 

Not only he didn’t feel bad or improved. He actually got worse. He is getting more and more abusive because he figured out that you’ll not leave him no matter how badly he behaves (you might not live there but you still fight for his love and attention so you are still there).

He figured out that he has full control over you so he continues mistreating you. It will never change or it will get worse. But it will never get better. He’ll never be a decent man. How many more years are you willing to live in a fantasy? It’s not real. See your own therapist. Not couple therapist. Get your own life together. You can’t fix him 

I haven't read all the posts...and I think you're making a big mistake enteraining his nonsense.  And this comes from someone that you know is very pro on working through/saving a marriage.  I don't even think the infidelity is the 'end of marriage' as some do here, but his abusive/controlling nature combined with that, most certainly is. And yeah, I see no changes honestly.  Just more talk.

I want to ask some more about this though....  "I went to get a smoothie today, it's near the lawyer we used for child custody... So he thought I was meeting with a lawyer and flipped out... (life 360... therapist said it was a good idea... BUT... idk anymore...)"

Can you elaborate fully? Did you have this before?  WHO recommended it first?  Did therapist recommend it first and for WHAT purpose?  I mean if she knows you are trying to stay apart until he does the work and she knows he's controlling, why on earth would she encourage this behavior with a horrible app like that? I never heard of it until now and so I googled it.....seems perfect for helicopter parents/control freak couples.  Wow!    Or did HE recommend it during your seperation and then the therapist agreed? I seriously doubt it was your idea-unless it was regarding the cheating?   On THIS little bit alone it tells me a lot about your relationship and IF that therapist recommended it, you need a new therapist.  Frightening to be honest! 

PAI, he is NOT being stupid, he's being toxic. He's being him. You know who he really is - you've seen his demon face - so you knox you can't expect him to change. All he's doing is trying to show you what he thinks you want him to be/do. Those glimmers of a new him that you see are like glitter - all for show and no substance. The minute he has you back all effort will fly out the window.

As I read your list, my stomach was tied in knots. Do you really think any of that was acceptable? He is making NO progress at all. None. He thinks that he can bully you into coming back. Please don't do it. Hold him to a year of impeccable behaviour before you will even BEGIN to think about it. Three months and so many things wrong later, he must be crazy to think you're coming home tomorrow.

Below is a list of signs you are in an emotionally abusive relationship (source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive...). Check it against your list and see how many matches you have...

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2. Constant put-downs.
3. Hypercriticism.
4. Refusing to communicate.
5. Ignoring or excluding you.
6. Extramarital affairs.
7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
9. Unreasonable jealousy.
10. Extreme moodiness.
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
12. Saying “I love you but…”
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
14. Domination and control.
15. Withdrawal of affection.
16. Guilt trips.
17. Making everything your fault.
18. Isolating you from friends and family.
19. Using money to control.
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

He is waving about 48 red flags right in your face, 24/7, and you're trying to explain them away.

All of what lieutenant said.  ALL. OF. IT.  You will find someone who will treat you with love, care, respect, tenderness, compassion.  This very abusive...thing...is not it.

Please please listen to all of the lovely ladies above and remove him from your life.

PAI, I thought about you last night - do you have your own therapist? I'm shocked that someone suggested you guys use Life360 - for an already controlling guy, this is an insane suggestion.

My advice would be to get your own therapist, tell your H you want a 6 month separation with NO CONTACT, and see what shakes out for you and for him.  You are slowing slipping right back down the rabbit hole with him, and this post proves it.

I know you love those girls, but you may have to let them go.  Chances are good at some point in the future, he's going to leave you and cut you off from them anyway.  Make the choice yourself to let go and move on for a period of time and see what you want to do after that.

PA, I had horrible insomnia last night so I spent a LOT of time thinking about you and your situation. I came back here and reread all of the comments, including your list of the "areas of improvement".

IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

Lt Dad is right. You ARE better than this! And he’s had a year. A YEAR. It’s too little; too late. If you were dating, you would have dropped him like a hot rock. And, speaking of rocks… He's the water to your rock and he is wearing you down. AGAIN.

• It took you leaving for him to "change". He is going through the motions of "changing" - just enough to suck you back in. I believe 1000% he will revert to his craptastic ways. 
   
• He is FRANTIC that you are escaping his grasp. That's why The Crazy is finally so visible and ramped up. He's freaking out that the best thing that has happened to him is going to escape.
   
• He's bloody well STALKING YOU. He's terrified that, with your "free time": 
  • you will see that there are plenty of men out there who can run circles around him and one of them will see you for the gem you are and snap you up
  • you will understand the toxicity of his behavior and that it is NOT okay
  • you will learn you are much better off without him.

And who gives a flying fart in space if you're in your BEDROOM with your bra off???

PA, love aside, I believe THE reason that you are trying so hard to make this marriage work is because you see divorce as a failure. My dear friend, it is NOT your failure. It's HIS. He has failed you so many times in so many ways... time after time after time. He does just enough to reel you back in. That's why he is "changing" now. He's desperate to get you back. 

You need to put YOU first. YOUR wants. YOUR needs. No one else. You PA. YOU. You are a warm, generous, loving, beautiful woman. And you deserve so much more. xoxoxoxo

PA~ How long are you going to continue trying and see if things will work? Do you have a date in place? Like see if things improve in 6 months or 1 year?

Wishing you much healing!

Sounds to me like you are willing to commit to the relationship if he demonstrates that HE is also willing to recommit AND DO THE HARD WORK it takes. It's that second part that concerns me.

He's had three or four counseling sessions and he's already pressuring you to do what he wants you to do (move back in, wear a bra in your own room, etc.). That isn't NEARLY enough time. He has to rebuild trust from his affair, work on his behavior as a parent and a partner, and work on his controlling behavior. That's a LOT. 

He has to be willing to answer all your questions, even repeated questions about the same thing, related to his affair and anything else. He must demonstrate absolute trustworthiness about his own behavior. He must show true remorse.

My DH had a long-standing emotional affair. I nearly left him, but eventually we both recommited to the relationship. I was in individual therapy for a year. HE IS STILL IN THERAPY THREE YEARS LATER. He's done the hard work of change and rebuilding trust, but he finds it beneficial to continue to check in every month or two to keep him on track. THAT is long term. Is your SO willing to do that?

You've been abused and you need time to heal. My own opinion is that you need to find your own strength and confidence before you even consider moving back in with him. I'd definitely be looking for my own place and would have no hesitation about signing a year's lease. It should take you at least that long. And your SO should be falling all over himself to support you in what YOU need to do, not making demands about what he WANTS you to do, particularly this early in the recovery process.

Something that I was thinking is when you go to your next session perhaps asking what steps should/could you take in regards to the girls. Meaning if you decide not to end the relationship, moving forward should you still keep in contact with his daughters.

Have you thought about this aspect of it? If he's as manipulative as he has been, do you want to chance your healing with maintaining contact with his girls? He may use them to bait you and keep you in his life in some way, shape or form.

Just something to think about.

If you have been reading about abuse, you should know what others here say is truth. NO CONTACT is the absolutely ONLY way to free yourself from this mess.  It's also the ONLY way you will receive clarity regarding your situation...whether you later decide to work it out or not.  You need your OWN therapist that specializes in abuse issues.  

You have to go no contact.....

You remind me much of myself during the year leading up to me making the decision to leave my exh.  My children were babies still, 2 and 4 when I finally left.  I had made up my mind MUCH prior to that, he just would not leave.  You have no 'strings' like children with him to keep you there.

What you have is called a trauma bond, and that is what keeps you IN this relationship -even knowing all he has doneto you -if you are considering 'giving a shot' means you have and are deeply bonded to this dysfunction...it's not a fault, it's not a wrong form your end, it is an expected result of your relationship situation.

Please read this article: 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/02/this-is-what-it-really-...

Oh, yeah...this? Doens't like me being independent... Is mad that I have friends and tlak to more than just him..

This is classic abuser behavior. To keep you ISOLATED.

I am torn. If you have February in your head as a deadline, and you will give yourself permission to formally end this realtionship after the deadline then I cannot see that there will be a huge amount harm in continuing until then, as long as you continue as you have been. living apart and keeping a level head when looking at everything. 

I also see that february is 2 months away, and I question what he can really do over the next two months that will convince you he is on the path to permanent, real change? Is the february deadline more about not wanting to ruin anybodies holiday season? Is there some other practical reason why february makes sense to you? (You do not have to tell us, just something to think about). If that reason makes sense to you then that is fine, but I might reframe things in my mind. Rather than february being a deadline for him to show real change, adjust it to february is when you will contact a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. That way the default step is divorce and not giving him one more chance. You could even call a lawyer and make an appointment for febrary to get it in your diary and commit you to that step.

Please DO NOT TELL your husband about this deadline though...this is a deadline for you and your decisions. If he wants to change he should be doing that now becuase he wants to change, not because he thinks if he fakes it for a few months he will get another shot with you. 

Why would you even consider divorcing abuser and cheater “a failure”. I’d think it’s a failure to stay married to such a man. You have no kids with this man (and shouldn’t have kids with him), you can’t ever have unprotected sex with him because he isn’t to be trusted, you aren’t allowed to have friends etc etc Why anyone would choose such marriage? 

Plus he likely still cheats or will as soon as he can.