OT - Better than it could have???
So quick recap.. H cheated, emotionally abusive, yada yada. Kind of crazy. (okay, lotta crazy), Used me as a nanny. Got engaged to the b*** floozy he had an affair with, then came crawling back, I took him back, cue 10 more months of lies, Me leaving, marriage counseling, and that roughly brings us to where we are now. So I can recap the last week...
I went to Virginia on a trip, he accused me of cheating THREE TIMES while I was chilling in my hotel room alone, Lots of obsessive and crazy messages, I sent info to the lawyer so he can get the papers drawn up for me.
Sunday (yesterday) I go to church, in a FABULOUS mood. (literally singing on my way) Naturally HE is there... No biggie, not gonna let it bother me! So I continue on with life.
He decides to sit right by me, again, not a problem. I’m here so that I can feel better after the travelling, younger furbaby being in heat (she started while I was on my business trip) so dealing with dog diapers, and older furbaby being back in his cone of shame (rash got worse because SOMEONE – h- let him roam the wilds with no cone of shame…).
So while we’re sitting there, and I’m ignoring him, I got a text from the girl’s Mimi. We’ve been friendly and they’ve been absolutely amazing to me during the past few months, supportive, etc. Like I’ve been grateful, it’s weird as heck, but I’m glad. She was inviting me over for steak (which yum). So H flips. Starts crying in the middle of church, tells me how he hates them and he cant believe I’ll spend time with them and not him *eye roll,* So he storms out in tears.
After a few minutes I send a message that basically just says “you good?” and he sends back “like you even care.” So I shrug and continue to focus on church, because alrighty then.
He comes back in a bit later and tries to sit right by me, I not so subtly scoot away. And go back to focusing.
So church ends without anymore hiccups… And he asks how the divorce process is going. I tell him I don’t wanna discuss right now. But he pushes. So I tell him I’ve sent stuff to my lawyer. HE LOSES HIS S***.
The condensed cliff notes version of everything:
- Things he said:
- You’re a piece of s***
- You’re just as bad as my good for nothing ex
- You never loved me or the girls
- I’m going to tell the girls you never loved them and never want to see them again
- You’re selfish
- You’re f***ing up everyone’s lives
- You’re being a selfish b***
- Come get your s*** from MY HOUSE
- I hope you leaving my f***ing town you can stop f***ing it up
- You can get your s*** off the front lawn this week
- You’ve probably just been out “riding d***” this whole time (tmi, but I was literally a virgin until I married him and he was my first kiss… Soooo… Not really my style…)
- I hope you’re happy with your new BF (coworker apparently. You’re all invited to the wedding. LMAO)
- You literally just murdered me. You'll understand that later.
Things he did:
- Broke a sign on the wall apart and threw it across the house
- Chucked his ring at me
- Wouldn’t actually let me take things and kicked me out
- Made his dog worry who was pacing and crying cuz he had no clue what the f*** was going on.
- Punched his car
- Slammed his hands all over mine
Things I said:
- This is exactly part of the problem
- This isn't healthy
- If you really think I'm out doing that, you don't even actually know me
- (Yeah... Didn't say much... Honestly was more panicked than anything else...)
- have literally loved you and the girls the enitre time
Things I did:
- Sat there, tried not to fuel
- Comforted poor furbaby.
- Drove off after a few hours becuase I couldn't take it
- Got huge migraine
- Messaged therapist for an appointment
The s*** above all went on during the course of a few hours. I’m still in my church clothes, heels included. But I need an escape, so I took myself hiking in the heels (which are SOOO MUDDY).
A few hours after that he’s messaging me “I’m sorry. I said all that in anger. You can still change your mind and come back, tells me the girls love me SOOOOO much and would be lost without me. How maybe if I just take some time to consider everything then I’ll realize how great I have it and we can be happy.
Yeah. Sure. STBX *eye roll*
I called my mom and she’s offered to help me cover the cost of a storage unit, and suggested a police escort to get my stuff out of there. Just need a storage unit and a truck so I can shift everything into it. But this went probably better than it might have gone I suppose. My sister with the psychology degree has pointed out he's honeslty showing narcissistic and psycopathic tendencies.
So that's life.
Also my dogs are falling apart. Younger pup went into heat and is wearing dog diapers now (she's getting fixed next month. Paid for and everything, just have to get there). And Older pup is having an eczema outbreak and is in the cone of shame.
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Big question:
Why on earth did you go to the house? It sounds like all this took place after church and you were at the house. And you stayed for a few hours!
I get it. I didn't think my XH would touch me but he did punch a lot of walls. HOWEVER, looking back it could have been me.
I agree with your mother: only go back there to get your stuff with a police escort and never go alone anywhere with this man. If this is how bad he is when he thinks he still has a chance to change your mind, he's going to go completely insane after he's served papers. You'll want a restraining order and perhaps actually leave town like he suggested.
Oh no. So the majority was in
Oh no. So the majority was in the church parking lot (small church though, everyone cleared out before he really got loud or anything.) Then I went to the house because it was the "come get your s***" with the threat of burning it. So I knew I couldn't get everything, but I figured if I could keep a few things safe that would be close enough for now. I was a mess.
I agree with her too. Sadly.
Honey.. there is nothing..
Honey.. there is nothing.. and I mean nothing at that house worth your life. He is playing games to get you there where you don't have protection or back up so that he can berate you further.
I don't care if your dear aunt jean's prize recipe collection in her own handwriting is there.. or your grandmother's ashes.. none of it is worth dying over. EVERYTHING can be replaced.. or gotten over.. except getting hurt or dying.
Honestly, you are actually putting his girls at a bigger risk by still being "in" the circle.. because he can use them to hurt you.. because if he does do something rash and gets locked up.. they will have lost their father.
You probably need to get out of your roommate's place as well because I'm sure your STBX knows where you are. You need a restraining order and you need to stay clear of him. Change churches if you need to.. no you shouldn't "have to"..but this guy sounds very dangerous.
You're right. Thinking about
You're right. Thinking about what's there there's a VERY small list of things I actually think have value to me. I'll grab those first when I go back (with people) to get stuff.
I'm going to get out of roomies. It may be a month or so, have to save up a little bit. But I plan to move to my own place. The church can't just be changed. It's the only branch in the area. But I may have to commute the hour and a half to the next nearest one just for some peace.
I'm not sure if this is
I'm not sure if this is possible, but do you think you might "skip church" for a while.. perhaps your pastor/religious leader would see you privately in some capacity... I think there is a lot of risk to continuing to go to the same church where your EX will be.
Does your church live stream?
Does your church live stream? I would stick to that for a while.
They do twice a year for a
They do twice a year for a special conference. But other than that they do not. I may be able to go an hour and a half away though.
My EXH pretended to drink a
My EXH pretended to drink a beer when I told him to leave.. he had been sober our entire marriage because apparently he was out of control as a drinker (before we met).. so anyway.. he grabs a beer and drinks it.. or pretends to.. as I have to really bite my cheek because he didn't even take the top off.. just a play for attention.
I think you need to be very careful to not be near this guy.. yes.. get your "sht out of his house"... and don't give him any more reasons to contact you. I might change churches .. no need to carry on with his crazy.
Will be gettin gmy s*** out.
Will be gettin gmy s*** out. Been looking for a storage unit this morning.
Abusive ex hub used to constantly accuse me of cheating as well
and HE was the one who was cheating; sheer projection.
CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH HIM NO MUTUAL CHURCH NO MUTUAL ANYTHING.
You have been warned.
It is projection. I know you
It is projection. I know you're right.
I understand you wanted to
I understand you wanted to see this through and work things out, but I have to just ask, what are you getting out of this at this point?
I truly think somewhere deep down inside you really think you are in control of all of this and that's truly scary, you can see it written all over your post.
I wanted to. But I havne't
I wanted to. But I havne't for a few weeks now. I contacted the lawyer, he has information. I was hoping to avoid the blow up and saying anything until AFTER I had paperwork and more of a solid gameplan in place.
I'm not in control, and it's terrifying. I havne't been in control of life for a long time and it kind of feel slike standing on an extremely unstable surface that's constantly moving all over the place.
I also made an appointment with the counselor for Wednesday for ME only to help with my mentality through this.
You need to stop this dynamic.
You need to stop this dynamic. You have got to quit having any contact with this man. You have a lawyer - from now on all contact goes through the lawyer. Everytime you have any kind of contact, whether text or phone or in person, he gets escalated. You are giving him what he wants - and in some very unhealthy way you are giving yourself something as well. Not sure what, maybe misplaced hope? In any case, if you don't stop this now, you are going to end up hurt.
Call the cops for a civil standby - take enough friends to get everything in a half an hour - then just do it. Are you still on the lease? Just go - no need to give him notice.
Stop going to church or anywhere else that you might run into him. Seriously, there is no reason for you to go somewhere that you know he will be - doesn't matter if it seems fair, it is not going to be forever. Quit worrying about him or his girls or his dog - worry about yourself.
I didn't realize how inexperienced you were before you met him - sounds like he is your first "big love," which is probably effecting how you are responding to all of this. Is divorce considered an awful thing in your church? Is that part of what is keeping you from moving forward? If so, please don't let that keep you from doing what you are going to have to do to keep yourself safe. You need to divorce this man and cease all contact with him - and his family as well.
I am still on the lease,
I am still on the lease, initially the landlord thought she could get me out sooner, but I'll be on through the end of march, and she's promised not to contact him about signing his own until I give a green light. She's pretty good. I havne't filled her in on the whole thing (obvs) just that we're seperated
You're right.
Also divorce is 50/50. It's not an "awful thing" but it is a bit taboo. It views marriage as sacred and forever. So it kind of hurts that view. I've wondered if that was part of it as well. And when talking with my best friend she suggested similar (she was raised that religion as well though she's agnostic now
) Contact with the fmaily has already ceased. I don't contact them period. And contact with him as of Sunday has been cut off as well. I know we're short into it. But it's a start.
Since you are still on the lease
Since you are still on the lease, don't call ahead - just go get your stuff. Try and do it when you know he is at work. Call the local police ahead of time and find out their policy - most will stick around for finite period of time. Once you get your stuff, he won't be able to use that as an excuse to contact you.
Listen to your friend about the religion aspect, she is spot on. Keep moving forward - you can do this!
Good to hear you're going to
Good to hear you're going to the appt. PLEASE stop being around this man. You can no longer go to that church. If he burns your stuff you make a police report/sue him. All contact should be through your lawyer. Get a police escort to get your things, sooner rather then later. If you can, even if you have to, do it when the girls aren't there. Look into a temporary protection order. This escalation has already gotten physical and will get worse.
When I finally had my exh removed (via protection order) it was a few weeks later when he wanted me to come talk w/him at his apartment -he tried to sound SUPER calm and collected, tried to sound incredibly legit in ONLY wanting to discuss the divorce items, etc - he wanted me there at night, without the boys and while his roomate was travelling. You know as well as I do what that was about-he had already threatened to kill me. The feeling I had in my stomach was of pure terror/ill....I declined and you can imagine how he started pushing back...I knew what he intended to do. I think you know what he's capable of, you have to stop engaging him. Don't give him ANY ammunition.
bananaseedo. I'm SOOOOO happy
bananaseedo. I'm SOOOOO happy you made it through that. You're a gem on this site.
I understand what you're saying, and you're right. I'm really hoping the therapist can help me sort thorugh everything as well. It'll be helpful.
Darlin', I've told you before
Darlin', I've told you before that your stbx reminds me of my psycho exh. This is proof positive that your stbx is escalating. Yes, he has been, but he's gotten worse. He's a powderkeg waiting to blow.
You need to tell your lawyer you are SCARED FOR YOUR SAFETY. Believe me when I say that, if you are NOT, you bloody well SHOULD BE.
Conceal carry is great. When your arms aren't pinned. You need to wear those Tiger Claws every time you leave a building. Every time you exit the car. Yes, Every Single Time. That saved my life. I was halfway from my car to the front door (and would have had to pause to unlock the door). Psycho ex had my arms pinned but I was able to use the stun gun on his leg. His leg lost feeling, he let go as he collapsed, and I torso stunned that POS until he lost consciousness. THEN I called the police. You may feel silly doing it, but it's better to feel silly than end up in the hospital. Or the morgue.
Please be safe. I wish I could be there with you. For you. xoxo
Thank you Aniki! I'm
Thank you Aniki! I'm grateful for your advice. And I'll start doing that with the tiger claws. I may look into a stun gun too, just so I have one.
xoxoxo
It's nothing. You being safe
It's nothing. You being safe is everything.
I'm willing to bet there is a fair number on this site who wish they could be there to help.
Ask your lawyer if there is
Ask your lawyer if there is anything they can do to help get you off of your lease earlier or to protect you should your ex damage the property or not pay his share of rent/untilites etc.
Stay safe. You are strong and you do have a plan even if it is just the next couple of steps (lawyer, therapist, police escort to get your stuff..) The steps after those will become clear as you go. Make sure those close to you know how serious this situation is and let them help you where they can.
In your situation, PA, I
In your situation, PA, I think I would just pull up stakes and go. Move away. You've never been crazy about that area and it wasn't the best for job prospects in your field, IIRC. It's not fair that you should have to leave your job and coworkers and friends and church, but sometimes safety and a fresh start are more important than all that continuity.
Is there another place you could go? Closer to family? Could your parents help you out while you move and look for another job? Getting away from this crazy jerk (who is escalating quickly!) and his whole dysfunctional circle just sounds like the way to go.
Holy moly! I think your
Holy moly! I think your STBexHjust out-crazied your skids' BM. At least BM is on drugs. STBexH is technically in his sound mind.
This guy is frightening. I live like this with BM when she is in a psychotic episode. It is beyond stressful to have to look over your shoulder all the time, to need 20 different weapons and an escape plan from every parking lot where they might "run into you". Please, please, please never speak to him again. Go through your lawyer. Block his number. Let your stuff go!! You in danger girl!!
PA, I'm not trying to sound
PA, I'm not trying to sound rude or mean or unsupportive but WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU KEEP GOING AROUND THIS MAN!?!?! Stop going to that church. Stop going anywhere you think you might run into him. Don't go to his house ever again without the cops. You are putting yourself into a very dangerous situation. It is like you keep trying to let him show you that he is something that HE WILL NEVER BE! My ex wasn't even this scary and I completely left everything behind because he was escalating and nothing I owned was worth the risk of being around someone like that!
Please, please, please, IGNORE HIM, GET A PROTECTION ORDER and STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!
He doesn't want you to gain
He doesn't want you to gain your equilibrium because with peace and sanity comes clarity and he is desparately terrified that you are out of his clutches! He bombards you, confuses you with smoke and mirrors, using your own strong convictions and morals as a noose, which he holds in his hands. He is NOT allowing you any semblence of normality where you can take that sweet deep breath to release you from this toxic fog clouding your decision making skills.
You need peace, to heal and to formulate a plan. That needs to be clever and strategic lovely as you are currently seemingly basing most of your decisions around what a normal ex may do - not a very probable narcissist, psychopath will do.
Make a plan. Use the advice of your therapist, lawyer, your sensible mates, us and your experience with living with this sh*t as a means to stop this cycle. You can likely guess his next steps, what he may do that causes an escalation in your inner turmoil. Place those barriers up high. I would suggest you use this banked energy to formulate an intelligent plan to escape this spiders web... before you get eaten cariad x
Just NO
NO person should be around someone who is threatening them
NO material things are worth risking your sanity or life
NO church/religion is worth risking your sanity or life.
Just stop all this. This is not "oh, my step life sucks." This is "I need to get the hell away from this person who is close to freaking out and killing me." Frankly I was happy to see that you posted because I already was afraid he'd done something desparate, stupid, and dangerous.
Sending him text if he is
Sending him text if he is "good" was sending him mixed message letting him know you care. Going to his house for whatever reason was a mixed message. People don't go to abusuve exes houses especially not alone. And for sure they don't stay there for hours
There are ton of churches everywhere. Going to the same church is sending mixed messages that you are looking for him. When he sits next to you continue sitting there and then engaging in conversations and answering his questions, it sends mixed messages that you enjoy his company.
I understand that abuse victims often are attached to their abusers and have hard time detaching but if you want to be free of this man you need to stop calling and texting and coming around him. Please don't engage him anymore.
And you'll have hard time with getting restraining order or show that he is an abuser if he has countless evidence of you contacting him and being in his proximity when you don't need to be
When he wouldn't let you take
When he wouldn't let you take your things you should have called the police.
When he slammed his hands all over yours tou should have called the police.
Young lady this 'man' is a THREAT TO YOU AND YOUR SAFETY. Blocking his number, carrying a gun, carrying mace. They might not be enough. Your lawyer needs to know what happened. You need to take steps to protect yourself.
I agree you should think about moving somewhere away from this nut bag. Lots of jobs out there. Some will give you money to relocate.
PAI, I really hope you're
PAI, I really hope you're absorbing all of this.
This has gone from bad to deadly. That's not me being paranoid or flippant. That's me being scared for you.
Your mom reaching out is her being scared for you. Your roomie calling and texting you in the past has been them being scared for you.
You're young. It's embarrassing. I get that. You KNOW I get that. But it is NOT worth this.
You have to take this far more seriously. I mean that wholeheartedly. Police need to know he is being erratic. You need to stop going to places he goes to. You need to seek services from a domestic violence shelter even if you don't live there (they may be able to help you relocate faster).
If this situation were a hurricane, it's a Category 5 that's two days off the coast. You NEED to take some time off work and spend it packing, moving, consulting with your attorney, filing a restraining order, getting the divorce moving forward, etc. He's going to go BALLISTIC when he is served, and my guess is that he knows where you're living and will come to you. You need to not be there.
If the town is that small, you need to leave for home. I lived with my parents for a while, and I left most of my belongings behind. It sucks, but it's entirely doable. You CANNOT do this on your own. Thinking you can will get you killed. It's not a weakness to be in a situation that you need help in.
Do EVERYTHING you can to protect yourself.
When I left my abusive X I
When I left my abusive X I took me and my sons clothes, he was 1 1/2 year old at the time and my important documents. I didn't look back and left EVERYTHING else behind. I took out a restraining order and had very limited communication with him. He was just like your X and trust me I was 21 years old and very naive but I knew I had to leave or I'd be the next statistic.
You can do this PA! I still sense you have a little glimmer of hope. If his behavior didn't diminish that for you, I hope the amazing ladies on this board have spoken some awareness to you.
Remain safe darlin' and for goodness sake do not place yourself anywhere that you think psycho may be. It's fine if you love church and all but not enough to risk your life. Go No Contact and know that this too shall pass.
PA, please call your lawyer
PA, please call your lawyer TODAY. You are very fortunate you are not physically hurt.
He punched his car. He could have punched YOU.
He broke a sign. He could have broken YOU.
You said before that you got the most important things out of the house. No inanimate object is worth risking your life. No JOB is worth more than your life.
Read and re-read and read again all of these posts. Call everyone you need to call to get things in order ASAP. You can replace THINGS. You can get a new JOB. Your LIFE cannot be replaced, dear girl. <3
PA, I’m honestly terrified
PA, I’m honestly terrified for you, in large part because you still seem so reluctant to cut all ties & keep yourself safe. I was also glad to see your update because I’ve been wondering about you & hoping you’re still ok.
I know you’ve said you don’t feel you’re in control, and girl, that’s OKAY. What’s not ok is not taking every precaution possible to steer clear of this guy. I know money is an issue & you’re on the hook for that lease, but seriously? I’d drop it. Let the loser pay, and use that money to get yourself out of there. Clear up with the landlord once you’re out. Get out of roomies place. Get a new job. Stop going to that church. Hell change your name if you have to, please do everything to stay away from this lunatic.
It’s easy for me to say not to worry about being divorced young, I was in my 30’s before I even got married, but honestly please don’t worry about that. Anyone that judges you for your experiences is an a$$hole not worthy of your acquaintance. You didn’t know this guy was a psycho when you married him, it’s not your fault that he’s taking things to this level, and staying with him simply isn’t an option. Please stop thinking you need to do things a certain way, just do what you need to do to stay alive because this guy is scaring ALL of us and we’re begging you to take this seriously.
he is abusive and If I were
he is abusive and If I were in your shoes, I would load up the dogs and drive as far away as I can and don't tell him where I am. Then I would reappear after the 10 year marriage mark and file for divorce so as to collect SS if his earnings are more than mine. and then I would disappear again.
You're continuing to dance
You're continuing to dance with the devil yet wonder why you're still in h3ll.
Get away before he hurts or kills you.
Just go...before it's too late.