The infertile step mom....
Is anyone here battling infertility and as a consequence finding it extremely hard to be a step mom? How do you cope? How do you handle insensitive comments made by others about infertility and being a step mom?
I ask because the guilt I have over my own nasty feelings is starting to wear on me. Lots of time feeling angry that DH could get someone else pregnant and not me. Anger over having to deal with someone elses kid when I can't have my own. I can't even stand looking at her school picture in the living room because it's a reminder of what I will never have and can't provide DH. I get people telling me, "well, it looks like you'll have to love SD like she's your own because she's all you've got." Are you fucking kidding me?? Because of the stress over infertility, I have lost my ability to cope with anything..even step kid drama! Being on fertility drugs is a nightmare and having to someone elses kid in my face makes me want to kill myself!! I don't want her, I want my own family! Sure, she's a part of it, but it's NOT THE SAME and I'm sick of idealistic people telling me I need to be happy with it.
We are struggling with
We are struggling with financially affording fertility treatments. Now that BM is getting even more child support, saving for IVF or adoption. Kudos for those who I adopt, I think it's fantastic. It's just not for me.
Have you considered it? Even
Have you considered it? Even looked into it? I find that we often think things are impossible or not something we'd consider, but then... we find it's more "us" than we'd thought.
Perhaps fostering?
I know about a dozen families who have adopted multiple children each (and had their "own" bios as well.) If I had any sanity after going through six kids myself, I'd consider it. My DH wants to foster/adopt, but I'm not sure I have it in me. :/
Anyway, if you REALLY want to be a mother, there are many ways to make it happen! Best of luck.
I'm not trying to be b!tchy,
I'm not trying to be b!tchy, but adoption isn't an option for everyone. Many times its actually more expensive and time-consuming than fertility treatments. Plus there's the issue of coming to terms with not having bio children. Adoption is great for some people but not everyone. And it isn't fair to imply that by not going the adoption route, that a person might not 'REALLY' want to become a mother. Its easy to say "just adopt" but it really isn't that simple.
Oh, I don't think you're
Oh, I don't think you're being bitchy. I just wasn't sure if you'd considerd it.
I have a cousin, bless her. She and her (now ex) husband are incredibly vain. Boob jobs, fancy cars, friggin mansion, you name it. They wanted a child, and it had to be a bio kid because nothing else would do. They struggled with years of IVF and spent a fortune. She FINALLY became pregnant with twins. They were born at five month's gestation and both have cerebral palsy.
So sad. The kids are in their teens now, and it is SUCH a struggle. I guess my opinion of adoption kinda changed after that. If you're deadset against it, though, I wouldn't suggest it for you...
Wow, now that I think about it, I didn't even consider the adoptions friends have done from overseas. Wow...I know a LOT of adoptees.
Oh, I'm not OP- just an
Oh, I'm not OP- just an infertile SM as well :/ sorry to hear about your cousin's kids. So sad.
I'm not necessarily against adoption myself; but I've had people (I call them fertile myrtles!) -actually seems like a ton of people, tell us to just adopt like its the magic answer to our infertility. I'll admit, I'm probably a tad sensitive to the issue tbh
I understand your sentiment
I understand your sentiment completely! I couldn't have said it better myself! This is what I see happening in my situation; we spend so much money trying to have a baby that we can no longer afford to adopt. I will not adopt a child when I am dead broke. We will not have the means to raise the child! People go into massive debt with fertility treatments! I totally get how wonderful adoption is but I can never blame someone for not going that route. Some people, including myself, really desire that organic beginning. If in time my heart warms us to the idea, that's great. But as of right now, my husband is not on board with adoption either. Both of us have to be on the same page. He already has a kid and I have a feeling he will just forgo the family with me and focus on her (that's a huge fear of mine).
I met DH when I was 37. We
I met DH when I was 37. We married when I was 39. He had only SD. It was a deal breaker for me that we have a child together. I wanted to have a child.
We get married and immediately jump into IVF. In 2009 I had two successfull pregnancies each ending in miscarriage. It was THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE. After it was all said and done, we separated...because he was less than supportive throughout the treatment and the pregnancies. He was more supportive during the time immediately following the miscarriages, but that supported ended swiftly.
We separated. We reunited 6 weeks later. A year ago, he admitted that he never wanted to have another child. That he agreed to the IFV mostly because he didn't think it would work, and if it worked then "he would accept it".
Needless to say, adoption was off the table (althouth..at one point he did agree inbetween the pregnancies/miscarriages).
Fast forward to today. I am now 43. I have accepted the fact that I will never have my "own" children. SD really is the only "child" in my life, if DH and I stay together for the long haul.
Do I resent him? Yes, but less and less as time goes on.
Because I have to accept that I had a choice. I could leave him and adopt on my own, or be inseminated....at the end of the day, I was going to do it alone.
I really really thought about it. The reason I am okay with my decision is because prior to meeting DH I told myself, my whole adult life, that I would never have a child on my own...that I didn't think I was capable of it. I DO think I'm capable, but it would be sooooo very difficult (and not just the financial aspect..I have more than enough $$), but emotionally, physically.
So. Here's the thing. On my best days, this is my mindset: "I have the best of both worlds. I have the freedom to give 100% to my career. I can travel whenever I want (okay, sometimes without DH), AND I can enjoy SD11 in a way that is "like" being her mother. Her and I go to dinner together, we go to movies, concerts, I enjoy her most of the time (especially when DH isn't around).
On the worst days, I resent the F8ck out of him for his assumption that being a stepmother is as fullfulling as a bio mother. Which, as we all know, is not. She is not my daughter and she never will be.
Great..now I'm depressed.
I feel very similar with my
I feel very similar with my DH. He doesn't understand why raising my SD4 & SS6 doesn't make them my children. He thinks because I am their primary caretaker (BM nt in picture) they are my children & i should feel like their mother. He thinks because i don't have that motherly connection with them that its my fault. I really love him but some days I wish he could get a taste of how he makes me feel when he insists his children are mine & I should think of myself as their true mother... I hate him those days & I wish their BM was fit to take on her role as their mother so he'd get off my back...
That... makes me horribly sad
That... makes me horribly sad for you. I can't believe you'd stay with such a selfish man. Kudos to you for sticking it out, but I'd resent the shit out of that asshole too, and make sure that he knew it.
(((hugs)))
its absurd to assume being a
its absurd to assume being a sm is the same as having a child. this is especially true for those who want child of their own.
I am on a board for parents
I am on a board for parents of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder since my SD has it (also what Adolf Hitler and Edgar Allen Poch had) and TONS of adoptive kids have it. Trust me, not something you want to deal with. Kids with this disorder are Satan's spawn and they often get their parents put in jail by telling lies about them being abusive. Don't let anyone talk you into adoption if you didn't like the idea to begin with. Sure, I feel sorry for kids without parents, but totally not worth it! These are the types of kids that kill you in your sleep! I'm sure not all kids have it but one SD with it made me NEVER consider adoption...EVER!
My cousin and his wife have
My cousin and his wife have been trying to adopt for years now. He's found it's so difficult to adopt a child that is not severely and emotionally disturbed and a danger to your family. It's a complete myth that there are all these kids just waiting for loving homes.
The only truly safe place to adopt from is China. Children there in orphanages are well taken care of, the birth mothers do not do drugs or drink. They simply want boys not girls. The only way to get boys is if they are handicapped.
In Russia and Eastern Europe, nearly all adoptable children have fetal alcohol syndrome, fetal drug exposure, and attachment disorders from neglect by their parents and in orphanages.
In the US, by the time most children in foster care are cleared for adoption, they are far worse than adoptable kids from Russia. My cousin talked to a family from his church who had tried foster-to-adopt. They took in an 8 year old boy who sounds like most of the skids from hell on here. He had been tossed between drug addicted and neglectful parents and other relatives and was nearly cleared for adoption. But the family gave up on the process and put him back in the foster care system after he injured their daughter and killed their cat.
This little monster is still featured on Children Waiting/Adoptable Children websites and likely will end up featured on one of those news reports about the "wonderful" foster kids wanting to be adopted by a loving family. If you see kids on those sites that look too good to be true, beware.
I know this is an old post,
I know this is an old post, but I was searching for some insight from old posts to help me deal with my current situation and this seemed like the best place to let out my own frustrations.
When having kids whether yours biologically or through adoption, there is the risk of having a child with developmental difficulties or delays or in general just having a difficult child. However, after being a stepmother to my husband's adopted child, I am truly against adoption for myself and, if someone asked me, I would warn them of the difficulties of raising an adopted child.
I sensed that there was something amiss with SS13 shortly after I met (he was 6). He would constantly guilt DH and SD into doing only what he wanted to do. He was manipulative. He was smart but was behind in other places developmentally (peeing himself, unusually poor writing skill, inability to sit still, ADHD). DH told me that he had SS from birth (he was at the hospital when SS was born) and that his birth mother did not drink or do drugs (However, now DH questions whether she lied about it)
SS was not so bad at 6 years old, so I ignored my gut, but at the same time, I let DH know in a kind way that I thought SS had issues that he wasn’t seeing. But, now it's become unbearable for me. Not so unbearable that I'm packing up and leaving now, but unbearable in that, I never thought that I would live in a house with a child like this. I am not the type of person who allows myself to be a doormat, but that's what I've become. SS isn't bad when compared to the horror stories that you read about some orphanage children with RAD, but he is by no means a normal child.
Plus, it's so much harder as a stepparent. In my opinion, the easiest bond between parent and child is a biological bond. I think a close second is what my husband experienced, which was a bond immediately after birth. I don't have that loving bond to begin with, so it feels that much harder when he is so difficult. And, at this point, I no longer want to try. He has done so many things over the years that I can't get over. I'm cordial to him for the sake of my husband and my toddler, but I don’t care about him and I want him out of my house.
Even though DH had SS from birth, I could tell that SS had attachment issues when I met him. I used to relay my concerns to DH, but he always told me that "that's just how he is, that's his personality" so I let it go. Some examples - SS would only do family night with us if we were watching exactly what he wanted or were playing exactly what he wanted. He would throw a tantrum, say he wasn’t loved, and just walk away if any compromising had to be made. When we go somewhere as a family, SS will literally, almost every time, try to immediately find another family to play with him.
To say he is a jealous child is an understatement. I thought it was weird that he got a present when it was his sister’s birthday. DH said he had to or SS would throw a fit. He was 8 years old and DH was still doing this on SD’s birthday. It only stopped because I made a comment to DH that SS should not be allowed to go to friends’ birthday parties and sarcastically said that if DH allowed him to go then he’d have to send him with a second gift for SS to open at his friend’s birthday. DH finally opened his eyes…or maybe he just wanted SS to be able to go to birthday parties without hearing from me.
I won’t get into how he felt when I got pregnant, but will just say that he was upset that we got a crib and car seat for the baby. I used to have anxiety about getting the baby educational toys. I remember picking up a puzzle at the dollar store and, when SS returned from BM's home, both DH and I rushing to explain to SS that it was a dollar and the baby needs things for development. He also only started acknowledging DS’s existence about 4 months ago and DS is two years old. It's a sucks to live this way. Constantly on eggshells to avoid triggering a meltdown over nothing.
SS also has anger issues. Plus, I am in constant fear that CPS will visit us. I've already met with them twice due to allegations he made against DH. Both times the allegations were dismissed. But, since the first time, I stopped doing any discipline and I've told DH that I don't feel comfortable being home alone with SS. Unfortunately, I can't kick him out and I'm a SAHM to my toddler, so I have to be around him alone. So, I put on a fake smile and I'm cordial while he lies to me and walks away from his chores and responsibilities. I say nothing so I don't start any sort of confrontation.
One of the last instances I had a confrontation with him was years ago. He was regularly throwing extreme tantrums in which he would destroy his room. At that time, DH and I moved in together and I suspected that SS was hitting my dog. I told DH my concerns several times and he had multiple conversations with SS about treating animals. Well, I saw it one day and I sent him to his room. He destroyed his room. When, I went up to check on him, he shoved a letter he wrote saying he hated me because I ruined his day. I made him stay in his room until his dad came home and I walked away steaming mad. The kid was completely selfish with no empathy or understanding of what he does wrong. It's been years, but, he still exhibits the same behavior when he is in trouble. His sister (DH's biological child) has also experienced this from him and is currently so distraught and angry that she is not on speaking terms with him. SD17 is uncanningly forgiving and caring, so the fact that she has had enough really says something.
Yet, with the outside world he can be charming. He has friends at school. When he was younger he was unable to hold onto friends for too long, which I always attributed to him using them and in general not being a loyal friend. But, he has been able to hold onto a group of friends at school for at least two years now, so he has that going for him. I think he acts differently to others and maybe they just don't know him well enough. I know he's not urinating in improper places at school or at his friends' houses, which makes me believe that he just has no respect for his family but he acts like a normal human being with others.
I’m also leery about adoption because of BM's character and she was adopted too. (DH and BM couldn't have a 2nd child, so they adopted SS) Granted, maybe SS has issues because BM has issues, but I just don’t know. Like, I find it weird that BM never visits her parents. DH and BM are from the same town. Every time DH visits his family during the holidays, he is the one that sends the skids to see BM’s parents. Every single time. DH said to me once that he didn’t understand how she never goes to see her parents, which is so different from him. He sees his family at least twice a year even though they are half a country away and his ex goes years without seeing family even though she has children who would probably want to see their extended family. I told him that maybe it’s an attachment issue. He admitted that that is what he was thinking as well since BM’s sister is also adopted and neither of them see their parents. We both talked about the fact that SS may very well be the same way and will never visit or care about DH when he is grown.
BM is also emotionally manipulative to the extreme. DH's mom has told me quite a few stories of her past and they sound similar to what I see in SS. She apparently would also threaten suicide when she didn't get her way. Maybe it doesn't have to do with adoption, but I find it interesting that both BM and SS are like that. BM also takes no responsibility for herself, just like SS. Plus, she's has had a long string of relationships before and after her divorce with DH. That itself is not a problem, but it is a problem when the skids are meeting a new boyfriend every few months and she's moving in with them less than every two years and she's getting SD involved in her manipulation games with her boyfriends. It's similar to SS and how he treats friends and family.
SS is now about to turn 14 and he still has urination issues at home. He is still manipulative. He doesn't believe that rules apply to him. He is not securely attached, but nothing seems to help him feel that way and he doesn't seem to want to try. He seems to prefer superficial relationships. He even missed his dad's birthday celebration this week to play with a friend and thought nothing of it. He attends both group and individual therapy. He was diagnosed with ADHD before I met him and has been on meds for a long time. Maybe it's not related to being adopted, but I think a lot of the issues are. If I had known what I know now, I would not have continued my relationship with DH knowing that I'd be forced to interact with SS. He consumes so much of my mental energy that I'm exhuasted.
Sorry for the long comment. Just getting my thoughts out.
Hi Stuck33. Reading your
Hi Stuck33.
Reading your comment from 02/16/2012 it could've been written by myself! The way you expressed your feelings is exactly how I'm feeling.
I am a stepmother of a little boy and we have been trying to conceive for over 3 years. We have unexplained infertility. We have almost 50/50 custody of his little boy and I am severely struggling to cope. He is a lovely boy & I do love him but he is literally a constant reminder of everything I am never going to have. He was conceived with IUI and is the absolute apple of his dads eye (& all other relatives!) and is v spoilt. My ex and his partner would've been given 6 free rounds of IUI plus a free round of IVF but they conceived 1st time with IUI. The Consultant has advised me to go straight for IVF for any chance of conceiving but as his ex wife was a shopaholic and left us with all of her debt & takes a lot of child support from us there is no way we can afford it. We enquired about the free treatment he was offered but, on top of everything, because my husband has a child we won't be given any funding towards medical treatment. There is no way of us ever being able to afford it. As a result of my age, no clear explanation of why we can't conceive and how long we have been trying, the doctor has explained that I am now technically "sterile". Devastating.
I too feel a great deal of anger about it all and his photos and canvas portraits of him are ALL over the house. My husband is raising a child with someone else (they go to parents evenings together and obviously communicate daily about their son) while all I have ever wanted is a family and I can never have one.
Husband is not too keen to adopt as he's not sure he could feel the same way towards them as he feels towards his son.
To top it off I work with v young children and their families!!!! What a joke!!!
Finding it very hard to get on with my life and get out of bed in the morning. My life is totally devoted to raising other people's children while I feel like I have lost all my dreams.
I have great, supportive parents (although I know it's killing them too not being grandparents) & lovely friends (but they all have babies). Please tell me how to cope?!?
All this negativity
Excuse me, but all I see as I scroll is "this makes me so mad!!" "I'm so mad!!" "my husband having other kids and not getting me pregnant makes me so mad! It's so unfair!" maybe if all of you even TRY to let go of all of this negativity instead of obsessing over conceiving and being angry at everyone but yourselves, maybe if you actually understand that the problem might be your perspective, you'll be gifted with your own child. This whole thing just sounds like angry children not getting what they want. I get it's frustrating but we're adults. We can't behave like this if we want success. Good luck to you all
i've had a very hard time
i've had a very hard time with dealing sd19 due to her extreme anger at my pregnancy a couple years ago and her unbridled happiness at my miscarriage. i've had anothe miscarriage and a stillbirth since then, but she knows nothing about those. we chose to not even mention my pregnancies due to fear that they would end badly, and they did. so to look at that selfish bitch and know that she is here being an asshole everyday while my babies died is very hard. it's even harder now that she's skipping pills trying to get pregnant. (there's a story there all in itself as to how i figured that out). she clearly expects me to be supportive and just over the moon if she ever has a baby, with no regard whatsoever as to how she treated me. i will NOT be her cheerleader, i will most likely have to disengage if she is ever pregnant just to save my sanity and avoid beating her to death.
i wish i could tell you how to handle people. with what has happened with me and how nosy fdh's family is, i've learned to just let them know that some subjects are off the table and will not be discussed with them. period. if they have a problem that, it's their problem, not mine.
WOW! Your story is
WOW! Your story is heartbreaking! Not to mention your SD is making it worse!! I don't know what I would do!! I would go out of my mind! I am terrified that SD will become impossible to handle if I were to ever get pregnant. She didn't handle it well when her mom had other kids. It also hurts knowing there is a teenager out there TRYING to get pregnant and yet I can't! She has no idea what she is getting into. I do and I want it more than anything, but I just can't!
I wish I could give you some hope or advice, but I just don't have the words. Take care of you and yours first.
if you do get pregnant, the
if you do get pregnant, the best advice i can give you is to keep mum about it until you can't hide it anymore. let her figure it out on her own. you don't need any more stress than life already gives you on a daily basis. i'm sure that if sd found out about the other 2 losses, even though she would have been pissed about me being pregnant at all, she will piss and moan about how wrong it was of us to not tell her anything, and how she lost 2 more siblings and how selfish we were to keep it to ourselves. that's the game she plays. i will be wrong no matter what. if she ever does somehow find out (like by paying attention to my necklace that has all the lost babies birthstones and says "forever my babies") i will tell her straight up that her attitude the first time around is exactly why she was kept in the dark after that. if she wants to be pissy, she can leave. i don't care. these are my tragedies to deal with as i see fit, they are not "situations" for her to use a means of getting attention.
she has no clue what it takes to be a mother, and she is far from ready. my own personal opinion is that since she was so joyful about the death of my first lost baby, she doens't deserve to have a baby-EVER.
good luck to you. i'm trying to come to terms with what has happened. it hurts, it sucks, it haunts me everyday, and it's not fair. but i keep telling myself God knows better than i do and there had to be a reason He let this happen. i have prayed that He either give me the healthy baby i want, or take away my desire to have one, because wanting one and losing them all the time hurts. i feel selfish because i do have 2 already, but having them does not erase the pain of the losses. someday you and i both will understand, and no matter what happens, there is something waiting for us that will be wonderful. i have faith in that. i hope you do, too.
I totally hear you. I deleted
I totally hear you. I deleted my acct last week (got found out
) but I signed back up just to reply. I have been/am where you're at. I almost resent DH over it. I have fertility issues, but I suspect he does as well as a result of choices he's made since the skids were born. [Uses chew, drinks caffeinated drinks like crazy, bad diet]
I'm mad that its so hard for me to get pregnant and the skids are here cause BM lied about birth control pills
and I've heard all the 'advice' too! "Just adopt" or "Good thing you have skids" "Just relax". Its damn frustrating! And sometimes I feel that not even DH can ever feel the downright despair I feel cause even if we never have kids, he's still a father but I won't be a mother. Hugs and good luck!
I share your pain &
I share your pain & frustration. I am only 24 and have been TTC for almost 2 years now. The only thing I am jealous about BM is that she got preggo her first month off the pills because she knew DH was gonna break up with her so she tried to trap him!!! Well unfortunately for her he still left her for me. Now that I'm TTC I cant!!! I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Best advice I can give anyone is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!! Don't tell anybody about your fertility problems. You will only get the responses "adopt" "relax" "be thankful for SD" stuff you do not want to hear. The only reason im still sane is because only DH & I know about my issue. So I don't have people telling me crap I do not want to hear.
Is there any way DH can stop bringing SD around you? Let him know how you feel, don't offend him by telling him you don't want his daughter, just ask him kindly to sympathize with you & to temporarily go visit SD instead of bringing her around you, just until you can regain your strength & sanity. He doesn't have to give anybody an explanation of why the all of a sudden temporary switch. Good luck;-)
Isn't it a bit unfair?
Isn't it a bit unfair for the SD if the DH chooses OP before his own daughter? She has been there since she was born, OP has not. I don't think it's fair to want to be treated like a superior just because you're in pain, because it'll cause resentment from the SD and she might feel abandoned when in reality this is not her fault at all. OP is an adult and has to deal with her own problems with a therapist.
I also share your pain. I
I also share your pain. I was just unofficially diagnosed with PCOS on Valentine's Day (I go back to the doctor in a week for my follow up to tests, to discuss a plan...). DH and I have been together for over 3 years so I guess you could say I've been TTC for that long, although I'd never discussed it with my doctor until now. I say "I" because I know DH would like to have kids with me, but I feel like if it doesn't happen, he won't be too disappointed. He already has 2 miracles, after all. Then there's also the financial part of it. We aren't in a great situation right now-he lost almost half of his income due to a pay cut and I am not working now (staying at home w/SS5 because we couldn't afford daycare). So I already know that the only option I really have is fertility meds because we won't be able to afford IVF or adoption. My doctor said she'd put me on Metformin and/or Clomid. Anyway, I have such terrible feelings of resentment for the kids' BM. I know it's not my place to judge, but she is such an unfit mother. I can't understand why they could have 2 kids together so easily and didn't even really like each other, but we're so in love and it's just not happening for us. I get so annoyed with the kids and I feel like I could deal with them (and everything) better if I knew what it was like to have one of my own. So, I'm excited to start the fertility meds but I'm scared at the same time. This is like the last step I guess. I'm afraid of the disappointment I'll feel if it doesn't work and I'm afraid that I'll resent them even more. I'm also afraid that it will eventually cause issues between DH and I, like we need anymore stress...
Sigh...It was good to get that off my chest to someone who really understands. But I'm so sorry that you all are going through this, too. If you ever need to talk, I'm here! BTW, if anyone is on Metformin or Clomid, what should I expect to feel? Hang in there ladies and keep praying!!
I have two cycles left on
I have two cycles left on this combo before trying something else. The Met will probably give you tummy troubles until your body gets used to it. Some women have side effects with Clomid and some don't. I felt like I was going through menopause. (Um... 'dry' and hotflashes like crazy!) And when I upped my dose I felt crazy. It honestly made me so emotional that I would cry one second and be yelling the next. BUT, its worth it if I get preggo
P.S- I'm taking it for PCOS too!
Buckeye mommy and
Buckeye mommy and StepSitter....please PM me...I have PCOS too and it would be great to have some support from fellow SMs that have PCOS. I'm not on any meds because my OBGYN is feels that since I don't have any blood sugar problems, but do have a family history of diabetes, Met would do more harm than good to my body. I would love to share some stories and advice on how to deal with the PCOS.
I have PCOS, I got diagnosed
I have PCOS, I got diagnosed 11 years ago at age 17; go to amazon.com and order the supplement Vitex Fruit; it's SO cheap and has helped me 111110% - for the FIRST TIME EVER I got back all regular results on my blood tests. My OB/GYN was even shocked
It's made to help regulate PCOS symptoms and has been said to increase fertility (I don't know about that part, but it has helped with my PCOS). Also, get the book "PCOS and your fertility" by Colette Harris - there is a TON of GREAT information in there 
Ugh-I've been feeling crazy
Ugh-I've been feeling crazy emotional for MONTHS now! The same way, crying one minute and ready to kill someone the next. LadyT, I'd love to talk with you! All of you, really
Have to get SS5 ready and get out the door though, so I'll PM you later on.
I am 28 (will be 29 in April)
I am 28 (will be 29 in April) and I have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". I will be going to the RE in April. This month was my first month on Clomid and thankfully, I didn't have many side effects. We have been TTC for 1 year and a half.
I don't resent SS, but I do resent the fact that my DH had a child with someone else. It is a difficult pill to swallow. I struggle every.single.day with infertility and this crap is definitely not for the weak hearted.
My mom told me that there was always adoption and I told her that I want a child of my own (plus adoption is REALLY expensive) and she had the nerve to say, "Then that means you don't want SS" :jawdrop: :jawdrop: WHAT?!? Ummm, no. I love my SS very much and I went off on her, I mean I completely flipped my lid.
I have found that people who have never suffered infertility....just don't get it...at all. Not even if you try to explain it to them. The only people who know of my infertility is my family and DH's family and if my MIL were to ever tell me I should just be happy with SS (she has implied it, but never said it), I am liable never to talk to her again.
I hate comments relating to
I hate comments relating to skids when it comes to SM's getting pregnant.
I am childless and have been TTC for a year now, I have endometriosis and have fertility issues. Had a few miscarriages and having to deal with insensitive people and remarks!
Sick of it and to top it off, in the UK you pay tax to cover your medical expenses and I have been told I cannot have one cycle of IVF for free (while others can in the UK) because I have skids. Apparently they should be enough for me and so I would have to pay for this treatment on top of the payments we have already made. That nice bit of information left me in tears.
That would really irritate
That would really irritate me. You don't get a free cycle because you have skids?! :jawdrop: That's just..... not fair
^^^^^THIS^^^^^ How screwed
^^^^^THIS^^^^^ How screwed up is that? Can we say discrimination? What a load of crap. so sorry Delilah, you should be afforded the same opportunity as any other infertile woman in the UK.
Exact same thing happening to
Exact same thing happening to me. My stepson was conceived with first round of IUI. They could've had 6 free rounds plus a free round of IVF but didn't need it.
We have been ttc for over 3 years, got landed with all of their marital debt and pay her an extortionate amount in child support each month so we struggle financially, although make ends meet. We have been told we cannot have ANY funding towards treatment because of stepson.
Do they not understand that having a stepchild doesn't make being infertile easier, but a mile more challenging, difficult and completely heartbreaking?!?!?!
I've found that this is true.
I've found that this is true. Fertiles just don't really get it. There are times where I don't think even DH gets it. That's what is so frustrating about getting unsolicited advice, someone who has never struggled to conceive just doesn't know whats going on emotionally and mentally for me. I know that I should be understanding of the fact that, luckily for them, they don't know what they're saying might be hurtful; but I think people should take some time to think it over before blurting out things like "you must not want your SS then" kwim?
You're sooo lucky to not have any Clomid s/e by the way! Good luck
Exactly and it is so hard to
Exactly and it is so hard to put into words what we are feeling emotionally. There is such a range of emotions that we go through, that it is almost impossibly hard to them into words. Even if we were to put it into words, most people still wouldn't get it. I totally agree with people needing to step back and think before saying things. I don't even know what my mom was thinking. I was soooo pissed at her for that comment. Infertility is one of the hardest things I have to go through and that is saying a lot.
I was dreading Clomid s/e, so I do feel lucky that I didn't have them, BUT I was only on 50 mg, so we shall see what happens if that gets bumped up to 100 mg...LOL. Watch, I will be some raving lunatic once they up my dosage
Good Luck to you as well....this journey is a bitch
Oh with the 50mg I got
Oh with the 50mg I got hotflashes like crazy, dizziness, and fatigue my first cycle. The other 4 I didn't have any. I didn't necessarily need to bump up to 100mg, but convinced the doc to go for it. THAT'S when all hades broke loose! I pretty much was a raving lunatic lol. My emotions were out of control. Not trying to scare you- really! That was just my experience with it.
I try to remember that no one else in my family (oh yay me- not!) has ever dealt with this so they can't understand and are trying to be helpful. But at the same time, its so hard for me to say exactly "this is how I feel", "this is what you need to say", "this is what I need", etc... You're right when you say that there is such an array of emotions. And I'd be pissed too if someone said that to me. Verrry insensitive. In fact, when we first started TTC, SD got pregnant. My DH actually looked at me and said "Well, there's your baby" :jawdrop: Um, excuse me?!? He's lucky I didn't smack him into the next week!
I did get a few hot flashes
I did get a few hot flashes and a couple of mood swings, but nothing like I have read about other women experiencing. You didn't scare me! I am fully expecting some serious side effects if doc bumps me up to 100 mg.
My mom is finally starting to "get it" the only way she knows how without having to actually experience it. She is really trying and doing the best she can and I do realize that. My sisters, on the other hand, don;t reall even try so I don't really talk to them about anything. So, I really only talk to my mom and DH.
Ummm....noooo!!! Can't believe DH said that. He is lucky to be alive!!
Yes, he is. To his credit he
Yes, he is. To his credit he did apologize later that day and admit it was in very very poor taste
I would have killed him! My
I would have killed him!
My DH is soooo supportive, thankfully ... when I have my bad days and just cry about it and freak out about it for no specific reason, he just holds me and tells me it will be OK and that he's here no matter what.
He goes to *every* doctor appointment with me, reads the books about PCOS and fertility issues, asks questions at the doctor - in fact, the first question he asked me doctor when I tested positive for the cervical cancer cells was, "How is this going to effect her fertility?" to see if it was going to negatively impact it even more. He also went and had his sperm tested and is doing everything he can to help me with this.
I couldn't imagine if he wasn't understanding and supportive of this, I think I'd be suicidal - honestly, because it's is such a huge psychological mindf*ck for a woman to have to face.
Ohhh darlin', I'm so sorry you had to go through all that
I have a name for Clomid,
I have a name for Clomid, "The Hideous Bitch Goddess from Hell"!
I have only been on 50 mg for two cycles and holy shit! I hate it! Hot flashes, sore joints, titty pain, mood swings from hell, bloating and pain. It leaves me completely unable to cope with anything. I even ended up with Ovarian Hyperstimilation Syndrome this past cycle!! I am dreading it for my next cycle, but it's what I have to do just to get the miserable 15% chance of having a baby. My spidey sense tells me this past cycle has failed and I have to take the day off of work the day I get my pregnancy test. I cry non-stop, I'm so pissed off at the world. I have isolated myself from everyone....esp those with kids. I hate the fact that I'm a step mom in the first place, so now it's completely unbearable! Most of this shit is PMS and clomid talking. When you are on Clomid, it's like PMS all month long, but when it's time for real PMS, it's PMS times a factor of ten! I wish everyone the best of luck. The bird of paradise has skipped me again.
Good heavens it sounds like a
Good heavens it sounds like a nightmare. My husband alerady thinks I am rather bitchy a little to much. Bitchy from stress mostly.
I hate to think Clomid + stess bitchy would be. I already have a mild attitude of what you describe.
Husband has hint about Fertility Clinics. I would of been all for this back 3 years ago.
I just don't care right now. I figure if nothing happens from the grace of god there must be a good reason for it
I'm glad he apologized
I'm glad he apologized
I think he's glad too
I think he's glad too
Great. I had no idea the
Great. I had no idea the Clomid was that bad! I feel like I have eternal horrible PMS with no medication! I'm scared. You all are right though-fertile people don't understand what its like to deal with infertility, just like bio parents don't understand what its like to be a step mom. So we get the best of both worlds.
Yup. My favorite are
Yup. My favorite are pregnancy announcements on sites like this. This is about step parenting, not pregnancy.
There is NO WHERE I CAN GO to escape this shit!
Me too ..... I tell my
Me too ..... I tell my friends all the time that I don't want it rubbed in my face when they get pregnant, so what do they do? Text me, tell me every 5 minutes like "Oh I forgot if I told you!! I'm just so happy!!! But don't worry - you'll have one someday too!!!" I want to push them off a bridge.
Stuck, I told my husband the
Stuck, I told my husband the other night that I think there are more people pregnant on here than on the TTC forum that I'm on.
I had a ectopic pregnancy on
I had a ectopic pregnancy on Mother's Day and lost the baby and almost my life. That was 15 years ago. My DH and I wanted to have children but I ended up scratching the idea because of my SD at the time. I was afraid she would do something to hurt the baby. She had jealousy issues when I spoke with other children. It wasn't easy to to get thru this difficult time in my life and my In Laws never brought it up as if it never happened, just went on their merry way of life. DH didn't want SD to know about it so he pretty much brushed it under the rug as well.
It bothered me for all these years, but I came to peace with myself on the subject and I pretty much suffered in silence. My DH and I have discussed it numerous times but they were always brief conversations. After all the crap that SD did, and trust me, it was pure hell, I really did end up loving her as if she was my own and I believe that that also helped me cope with my problem, but again, there are times when I felt the complete opposite. Now that SD is 20, my DH and I have made the decision to Foster to Adopt. We waited all this time because of SD and the affects it may have on her. We discussed this decision with SD20 and she said she was fine with it, but an argument has broken out between us since then and SD told my sibling that she has to fight for her father's attention. I hope it has nothing to do with our plan, but I think it does. It gets easier as time goes on. Good Luck and May God Bless You
I'm right there with you. I
I'm right there with you.
I am starting fertility treatments in May (I had to have cervical cancer cells removed last month, so I have to wait until my first all-clear PAP in May before I can start it), and I get so frustrated sometimes because I get so mad thinking that I may never be able to give him a kid .... both SDs want a little brother *so* bad and keep making jokes that I can only stay if I give them a little brother. Now, they don't know about my fertility issues, but it hurts even more because *they* even want a baby and I am so afraid I won't be able to give them one. He wants a son also, so it's like so much on me - he doesn't care if it doesn't happen of course, but he also says all the time "don't worry baby, it will happen - just give it time"
I hate it. And all my friends are having kids, and I know I am lucky that I at least have the SDs, but it is NOT the same AT ALL and I want my own baby. *sigh*
I so know where you're at because I can sit and crrrryyyy, cry, cry about it when I think how I may never have a baby
It's just not fair that some of us want it so badly and would be such great mothers yet it doesn't happen, but then make a f*cking TV show about being 16 and pregnant. GAHH. Makes me so mad!
My dilemma: I am getting
My dilemma: I am getting married to the man I love. The problem, he has 3 kids with 2 other women due to poor choices. His first child was born because of a random hook up when he was a teen, the second child IS NOT EVEN HIS but he married the woman and raised that girl like his own, and they had another one a year later. The first wife cheated on him and so they are divorced. She is 27 and I am 20. Being a stepmom was a hard decision for me to come to terms with, but I finally accepted it. This was before I found out I was infertile. It has been over a year and I cannot conceive. My doctor has recommended me to a special fertility clinic for more tests to be done, and I think I am going to try clomid. If I cannot conceive I don't know if I can really marry him. It breaks my heart every day to know that him and that undeserving piece of shit ex wife have children that they are going to raise together, and I'm basically useless. I will never experience what it is like to raise my own. It makes me more depressed to be infertile with him then just on my own. I just feel like I should spend the rest of my life alone, or spend it with someone else who does not have children.
I didn't know about my
I didn't know about my infertility when I got together with my partner who has a child either. I'm a lot older than you and my chances of conceiving are v low now so it is a slightly different situation. All I want you to think of is: could you cope for the rest if your life with his kids while you don't have any? I am finding it extremely difficult (to put it mildly) and not sure I would make the same choices if I had my time over again! I am v depressed and feel completely useless and a failure. Seeing my husband and his child together almost everyday, and the constant communication from the mother if his only child, only compounds is further and further everyday.
Hi i feel your pain. My son
Hi i feel your pain. My son is 6 and was an ivf baby, my stepkids are 8 and 15. I would dearly love a baby with my partner but his thoughts are 3 kids between us are enough. If i got pregant naturally he said that would be fine lol, but he doesnt want to go through ivf. I feel cheated sometimes, and would love a child together but know it will never happen and chances of happening naturally are 1 million to one given my history.
Do you ladies feel like
Do you ladies feel like things have been better since you had your own children together?
Stuck33: Having someone
Stuck33: Having someone else's kid in your face all the time is horrendous-having your partners child in your face all the time is simply unbearable. Completely know where you are coming from & feel the same.
Not sure how to cope either. X
Simple
No need to cope. Change husband to someone who has no kids or adult ones. Simple as that
We don't have infertility
We don't have infertility problems but I did have a miscarriage with our first pregnancy. We have not had gotten successfully pregnant since the miscarriage. When I first found out I was pregnant my "dislike" towards SD9 faded a bit and I became more tolerant of her behavior because I felt a connection since I was pregnant with her sibling. That all faded when I had the miscarriage and she said, "I'm glad that stupid r-word in your stomach died". Back to pure hatred again.
OMG. I would never ever be
:jawdrop: OMG. I would never ever be able to forgive that little brat for saying such a thing!
I'm sorry
I'm really sorry for you. She's too young to understand, and probably doesn't get why all daddy's attention is suddenly on you. Please try to connect with her even though you're pregnant with your own kid or else she'll feel lonely
Yes I battle it and have
Yes I battle it and have became numb about it anymore. I started at 34 trying to get pregnant and it never happen. It has been 5 years now. I get sick of seeing my step children. It reminds me what I will never have.
I wished my husband never got this woman from hell prego because that is what she is. A golden uturus bitch.
Everytime I think I was going to get to go to the doctor to figure out which one of our clocks is off we were back in court over the BM. That means we had travel expense and hotel expense three times a year for 4 years. I swear the bitch did it on purpose. It didn't do me any good to stress out over it either and I was highly stressed at the time.
It was sad at times to say the marriage wasn't worth it because of her and sickening at the same time to think she was winning and she hit us in the right place where most bitches will
"financially"
My husband notice this year that I haven't care to even try to get pregnant or even breathe a word about it anymore. I simply told him "I GAVE THE F..... UP! I simply don't care anymore!
I'm getting to old. It hasn't happen, and I just don't care!
I guess I went numb about it. I have put my energy into other things and kind of wish his kids would just disappear!!! Seeing the oldest looking like her mother everyday is making me sick.
I am so sorry that some of
I am so sorry that some of you guys are going through this.
A very close person to me married a man with kids and she loves his kids just like hers. She is extremely happy with the kids..plays with them, does fun things and shops for them etc. Seeing her I was thinking i guess in some ways it is better to have stepkids if there is a infertility issue. I don't know If I am right or wrong but it has got me thinking.
Can stepkids be substitute to Bkids if there are Bkids?
...no Bkids*
...no Bkids*
You don't know that for a
You don't know that for a fact. It could be an act she puts on, you don't really know what goes on.
I am new to this site
I am new to this site (although I have referenced it often!) and seeking advice.
I am also a struggling infertile step mom.
I met DH when I was 34. We TTC for 2 years. At 37 I went to a fertily specialist who diagnosed "us" as unexplained infertility. After 4 failed IUI attmepts, DH called it quits citing that HE didn't want to pursue it anymore because he already had a child and he didn't need anymore. I was devestated to say the least.
I probably should have ended the relationship then and there. I am now 41 and my relationship is in peril because of my festering resentment towards DH and SS.
I know it is not the fault of SS but I can't help but resent him too.
I withdraw from him because he is a constant reminder of my very painful situation. I am to the point that I can't stand to be around him. It's like flaunting a bottle of whiskey in front of a recovering alcoholic. It just seems cruel.
Having another woman's child in my life is very difficult. I have zero respect for this woman which makes it even harder. And I cannot help but think that if he didn't exist, I might have a child of my own by now if I continued treatment.
But beyond that, I will never have grandchildren and I will not have children to look after me in my old age because of the sacrifice I have made. My entire existence seems redundant.
I feel that DH was very selfish and now I have to live with the consequences. He has no idea how much I hurt with having SS in my life. I could never embrace him as my own. Ever! Resentment does not just go away.
Even if I left now, I am already too old to go it alone. But I need some help accepting my situation.
I am truly unhappy.
I am so sorry that you're
I am so sorry that you're going through this. is your DH willing to talk about your feelings with you? it sounds like the resentment from how he hurt your is destroying your relationship.
If you want a baby, don't let fear of doing it alone stop you. Lots of moms do it alone, you figure it out, you manage. You don't want to live the rest of your life feeling so much resentment and regret. Or at least maybe try to find something that feels meaningful to do with your time... like volunteer somewhere (I suggest this because you said your life feel redundant). Maybe volunteer with kids in some capacity-- not to be around kids but rather to feel more meaning or satisfaction in life.
Do doctors think that 34 is too old to get pregnant? Now, I'm worried because I've been thinking that I have all the time in the world but maybe I don't have as much time after all...
I am infertile and now going
I am infertile and now going through early menopause (started when I was 33), so kids with DH are out of the question. I have come to terms with my infertility, and adopted a wonderful daughter with my ex-husband. It took a lot for me to come to terms with it, after two ectopic pregnancies and ovarian cysts which resulted in the loss of all but 1/2 of an ovary. Even though I have come to terms with it, and I have my beautiful daughter, whom I wouldn't not EVER trade for any amount of bio kids, it chaps my ass that BM got to have kids with DH and I never will be able to. It chaps my ass that SD will smugly occupy the position of DH's "only" child. I can honestly relate to how you are feeling. I hope you get the family that you want and deserve! In the meantime, try to keep your spirits high...I know it's difficult. Wishes and prayers heading your way!
how silly is that. your
how silly is that.
your adopted daughter is just that--a daughter. what a gift she must be!
Grieve, but do not let
Grieve, but do not let biology ruin your marriage and more importatly no not let it ruin your life.
I have no BKs. I probably can't create them and likely never could. My life is neither less amazing nor is it less worth living because of that. I do understand your feelings of frustration having some elses child in your home. I raised my SS-27 since he was 2yo. It took time for the feelings to fit the reality .... but he is my son.
Though as a man I cannot experience what you are experiencing.
Do not allow anyone to give you idiot advice as far as the comments you seem to be receiving from those you have mentioned in your original post. They do not matter. You do.
I hope that you can realize your dream, but if not, there are many dreams that you can realize so go realize them.
Do not allow something that you cannot physically do define your life. You and DH may not be able to have children together. However, you give him something far more important and precious than fulfilling a biological function. You give him a life with you at his side and he at yours.
I am sorry you are hurting. However, no more thoughts or talk of killing yourself. You of all people should not want to take a child away from a mother. Do not do that to your own mother.
Take care of you.