How about he is my kid and I am his problem? That is how Sparenting should be IMHO.
I have been SS-18's dad since he was 1yo. I am the first person he ever called dad(dy) and I am the only real dad he has or will ever have. His BioDad is a waste of skin.
So, as his dad I am his problem.
He follows the rules or I am his problem.
He does what he is told or I am his problem.
He treats his mom and I and any other adult with respect or I am his problem.
He performs to his potential in school or I am his problem.
He takes responsibility for his actions and behavior or I am his problem.
He learns from his mistakes or I am his problem.
When he does well I recognize and praise him. Then I guess we are each other's problem.
I am his problem because he is my son and I have raised him to be a viable adult who will be a man of standing in his community.
I am his problem because I refuse to abandon him to repeat the multigenerational failure performance of his BioDad's clan.
So, he is not my problem.
I am his.
Poor kid.
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PA, Oh you poor lady. My son
PA,
Oh you poor lady. My son was a novel reader in class and we struggled with that crap for years.
The really irritation part was when the teachers and school did not take the books away because "we don't want to destroy his joy for reading". :jawdrop: These idiots permeate our public education system. I told them repeatedly that this kid would read toilet paper if there was nothing else for him to read. But noooooo I am just his dad, what the hell do I know? :?
Military School .... it works wonders on that type of thing just as long as your kid and his biodad do not hack the school firewall and stay up all night every night playing WoW.
Good luck, If your son is anything like mine you will need it.
Best regards,
PA, I am sure having a very
PA,
I am sure having a very capable child with an ADD diagnosis is challenging. My SS does not have ADD or any other officially diagnosed issues. We had him examined for ADD and the Doc just laughed at us.
My SS is extremely highly capable but is a blender. He will avoid attention to the point that he will significantly underperform to his abilities just to avoid being recognized. He would much rather be disciplined for underperforming than recognized for high performance.
When he was in 5th grade he won an essay contest for the DARE program at school. He got a big plaque, a savings bond and had to read his essay in front of the entire school, he red the first two paragraphs and last two paragraphs out of a five page essay then walked off of the stage. Since then he just won't write essays or papers unless his mom and I are on him constantly. He is scared to death to have attention drawn to him from a positive perspective.
He writes extremely well when he will write.
His dedicated underperformance in an effort to blend in just drives his mom and I insane. His first year at military school he was a star. He was an honor student, a recognized leader in the New Cadet ranks and thrived. Until the awards ceremony when he was called repeatedly to the podium in front of the entire Corps to receive his awards. Shortly after that his performance waned until he faded to the middle of the pack during the last month or two of the school year. His Sr year he did not bother doing his usual 6wks of stellar performance and impressing his teachers. He just went straight to failing in everything. His BioDad helped him hack the school fire wall then they spent the whole first semester of his Sr year WoWing all night. He could not keep his eyes open in class and failed miserably.
We brought him home for the second semester of his Sr year, rode his all like we always used to and he was once again an honor student and graduated on time. He was fine with doing well because he was at a new school in a new district and no one knew him and he could play hooky on awards assembly days.
But, soon he will have real consequences for mediocrity. I truly hope he has learned from his mistakes and can make a success of the USAF.
Good luck with yours.
"I guess I just have to find
"I guess I just have to find the right motivation with him. I just wish I didn't have to disrupt his whole world to get him to do the most minor things!"
We have lived this for nearly 17yrs. Our son loved school if only for his friends (mostly girls) and would get himself out of bed, showered and on the bus every day. We did not have to get him up or herd him to the bus.
What we finally did was quit disrupting OUR world. When we left the house he would go with us, when we got home ..... we put him to work. If he wanted positive interface with his mom and I he performed at school. If he did not perform we made him miserable. It did not matter where we were or what we were doing we made damned sure that he was not rewarded for his poor decisions. This often put us at odds with my mother who did not much care for her grandson being constantly disciplined.
Eventually he learned to do enough to get us off of his back and we learned to ignore some of the small crap.
He is about to leave home for the first time as an adult. My fear is that he will not call his mom or I or keep in touch. All he will talk about is video games and goofy kid crap that most people grow out of in their early to mid teens. We have no interest, knowledge or desire to learn about those things so we force him to talk to us about real life issues instead of fantasy land crap that is not even the product of his own imagination or creativity. When we ask what his plans are for college, the service, a job, etc…. his answer is always the same. “I don’t know, I have not thought about it and I am not worried about it”. This attitude spanning years ultimately got his mom and I to give him no choice but to enlist or take a one way bus ticket and a $20.00 and go to SpermLand. He is at least aware enough that he chose to enlist Vs. moving to SpermLand. He clearly told us “I don’t want to live like they do. They can’t afford to support themselves and my (younger sibs ), they can’t afford to support me too.”
He communicates with his half sibs about video games and they perform skits for him via Skype. I am actually fine with that because they are his younger sibs and he is making effort to interface with them. However, his mom and I refuse to waste our interface time with him listening to some recount of a video game or him recounting components of a dragon wizard slobber troll book that he has red a dozen times. He and his BioDad talk about that kind of crap constantly. His BioDad is a master gamer, plays fantasy card games like Magic, Yugi Oh and Poke Mon and is now a WoW adict. If we allowed that crap in our home our kid would do nothing else.
Interestingly our son recognizes clearly that his BioDad is not a viable adult and is not worthy of respect. But, he struggles with similar issues that he recognizes as undesirable in his own BioDad.
He will not make any effort to communicate with the people who support him, help him prepare for adulthood, etc..... I think the whole concept of being responsible for himself scares the crap out of him so bad that he avoids the topic at all. Even with the people he knows love him and support him.
I am hopeful that the USAF will keep him adequately engaged with significant supervision so that he has chance to mature.
Oh man, I think you and my
Oh man, I think you and my mom read the same book.
Rags this is excellent.
Rags this is excellent.
you are his problem because
you are his problem because your wife allows it!! I see it the same way but problem is BM and DH step in and say why are you being so mean to said SD. When I respond with she needs to learn they says that's not how you do it!!! ROCK.... HARD SPOT LOL
But love your view and that's how i do my 2 daughters
Yep it is a rock and a hard
Yep it is a rock and a hard spot thing.
And the solution is ......... "If you don't like how I am dealing with it then you better step up and deal with it before I have to. Fix it or I will, whether you want me to or not."
End of story..... unless you consider the many, many nights I have slept on the sofa.
Furie, This is exactly why
Furie,
This is exactly why they make a deep end to the pool.
Pitch him in the deep end and he will swim. Until you pitch him in you are his problem. Once he hits the water in the deep end .... Swimming is his problem.
I wish I had an answer for you that would work. But one of my greatest struggles with my own kid is "I just did not want to" or "I don't know" which is really "I just did not want to". Though it is painful for everyone in the home the only thing that I have found that works for this is "you don't have a choice" and forcing the kid to do what he should do.
I think the only other choice is to ignore the crap until they are out and on their own then when they call for help give them the "I could help but I just don't want to .....CLICK!!!"
Good Luck. Can't live with them, can't feed them to livestock.
Love it 'click'. We have
Love it 'click'. We have three young adults here who seem to think that live will be easy for them forever. We remind them to do things, if they do not do what we ask/instruct them to do then when they want something from us they have to wait, dead easy! We are busy folks and can cheerfully occupy ourselves while the kids wait for our convenience.
Perfect perspective
Perfect perspective
Hi Rags, I always enjoy your
Hi Rags,
I always enjoy your 2 cents here!! I love that you are a man lost in the "wicked StepMom" world here! This SS is so lucky to have a dad like you.....the SpermDonor Dad will pan out for the "man" he is with time and I am sure that SS will be turning to the only "real" DAD he has every know........Sounds like you have done a great job!
PLEASE Dont stop adding your 2 cents to our rants now that you are an enpty nester