NSR. I just realized that I never asked my XW why she wanted a divorce.
When she informed me, all I said was "Go file."
Between CPEs to renew my professional cert I have been binge watching reels and clips. One I saw today is a man whose DW is handing him divorce papers which include a CS agreement for a kid that is not his. They met when the kid was 7. No adoption.
They are in a conference room with her lawyer. The STBXH refuses to sign the papers as written and informs his STBXW he will not support her or her child and he will be moving on. He raised the girl as his own. This is all from their back and forth. Her lawyer is trying to word game the man but basically since the kid is not his and he never adopted the kid, apparently their isn't much merit to the STBXS attempt to get CS.
She gets frustrated and asks him why he thinks she wants a divorce and if he knows what he did. He responded that he did nothing and she is the one who wants the divorce so he is out and she can have her next man support her and her child.
When my XW dropped the D card, I never even thought about asking why. My response was "Go file." She then broke down in tears crying that I wasn't going to fight for her. I had been the only one fighting for us for the entire marriage. That is how I responded to her tearful expostulation that I wasn't going to fight for her.
So, those who have been divorced, did you ask why your partner wanted one or did they ask you why if you initiated?
Just curios.
A somewhat step related second reel/clip I saw this AM. A dad comes home from work, walks in the house, and asks his DW where their son is because he and the boy had plans to go do some activity, I do not recall what that activity was. The DW replied that the son's father had picked him up from school and would bring him home that evening. The dad who walked in the door looking for his kid for their outing and who lived in that home took exception that BioDad had not been in contact for 2 years and asked his DW "if this is how it is now?" She of course was not happy at his position on the situation. He was obviously hurt.
Then the channel host commented. "Let him fail. He will. Be there for your son. Keep doing what you're doing. This is not the kids fault and the kid will need his dad when his heart is broken by BioDad."
The host then went on to talk about how his step dad is not his step dad, his step dad is his dad. They met when the host was 2yo. The host also shared that he has held his DD every day since he "found" her and her mother 10 years ago.
That reel/clip hit home for me though I never took exception to the SpermIdiot visiting. I never had to. He never did. Though my son does live the repeated failure of the SpermIdiot and he lived the never ending sequence of heartbreak as a child. The host on that channel was dead right IMHO and experience.
So, ceteris paribus (if our mate is of quality and we are raising the SKid), as a SParent do we keep doing what we're doing and pick up the pieces when the failed parent invariably fails? I did. However, if my partner was even a fraction fo the problem, I'm not sure I would. Not something I have faced but if DW and I had divorced when SS was a minor I would sue for as much visitation as I could get but would not have paid a dime in CS. The SpermIdiot was already under a CS order so my assumption is that a BM can't double dip on CS with two different men for the same kid. He would still be mine but... any support I provided would be to my son directly in that situation.
Opinions?
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Comments
Short answer is my ex knew
Short answer is my ex knew exactly why I was filing and told him so point blank.
I'm glad you had the
I'm glad you had the confidence to provide him with clarity and to protect yourself. So many don't have the confidence to communicate effectively in challenging relationship dynamics.
Why?
So, why did your ex want the divorce, Rags?
Though she didn't say at the time, she was pregnant by her
Though she didn't say at the time, when she moved out she was pregnant by her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. The marriage was nearly completely frigid. While we dated and were engaged she wanted to remain abstinent until married. I honored that. She was not a virgin. Her abstinence stance turned out to be a facade since her diaries indicated that she had been servicing any number of men the whole time. I'm lucky to have escaped without an STD or polluting my genepool with her. Though the odds of either of those was not high considering that intimacy was so rare in that relationship.
In my naive lack of clarity I did not know. She lost that pregnancy but was pregnant again at our divorce hearing.
I wish I had been more confident and filed for an annulment the Monday after the Saturday wedding. I knew on the wedding night that it would not last. I told my dad that when he and I met for breakfast early Sunday AM before he left to return overseas and XW and I left for our torturous honeymoon.
she had been servicing any
Lol at "servicing"
Sorry I know it wasn't humorous to you back then
I know you said you were naive that time period just curious if any of your friends knew her scandalous ways or if your parents could sense she wasn't the right person for you
No need for appologies. It
No need for appologies. It was what it was. It has been 34 years since the divorce.
None of my friends said much. My HS BFF was not a fan of my XW. He had a notable sense of superiority and no one short of royalty would have fit his standards. My brother loved her to death. Something about my XIL clan did not pass my parents smell test. They never expressed an issue specifically with my XW before we married. Though their conserns started very early. As did my own.
DH did not ask BM why. He
DH did not ask BM why. He just left, as requested. BM later asked why he didn't "fight" for her. Interestingly enough, many years later, enmeshed (with BM) SD told me she was upset that her father didn't fight for HER. I never made that connection before.
For some reason it appears
For some reason it appears that the D card can be an attempt to troll for attention. If attention is the motivator for dropping that card, it is a risky format to try to get attention.
It has always boggled my mind that XW burst into tears while saying "You won't fight for me!" when she told me she wanted a divorce and my response was not to fold, cry, and beg her not to leave. "Go file." apparently was not what she was expecting. By then, I was numb. I had started the climb back to being the man I liked with the help of a therapist. Had she told me she wanted a divorce 3mos earlier when she walked out of our last marriage counseling session I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to not react with a fight to try to save it.
When I left my first husband, I told him exactly why.
When I left my first husband, I told him exactly why. Of course, I had been telling him these things for months, so it shouldn't have been a big surprise.
When I discovered my second husband's affair, I told him to move out. I did want to know what I had done to make him be unfaithful and we had one conversation where he was fairly honest. Unfortunately, he had never mentioned any of the things that were issues for him, that I might have been able to change, prior to starting the affair. It was all for the best, they were together for over 25 years and I went on to be much happier without him.
I'm sorry he was a
I'm sorry he was a characterless coward and that you had to experience all of that. I applaud your confidence and I am happy for you that your life improved.
Never even had the
Never even had the conversation about divorce. I literally told my ex husband that I had started therapy as a means to process my thoughts and he got angry, upset and bolted. His poor ego couldn't handle it (eye roll!). After a few days when he called and wanted to come back, I told him we should spend some time apart. He filed for divorce and served me papers but it was a relief. I was so disconnected and done and had been for years. We probably could have remained friends had he not decided to bad mouth me to everyone and instead of looking inward and owning any part of his truth he made me the villain. He's still a child even though much older than me.
My therapist commented on my
My therapist commented on my "childlike zest for life". Though I'm not sure that makes me a child. Having a child as a spouse I think would be a deal breaker. I suppose an adult being a child is something you know when you experience it.
I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Congratulations on living a great life since he left. Like you, I did not entertain re-engagement after she moved out. She played odd games from her move out day until the divorce hearing. I was done. She wanted to be friends. I was not cruel but I had no interest in being friends. She also wanted to be lovers. Nope, that did not happen either.
Oh I told the VI exactly why I was divorcing him
in marriage counseling I only agreed to so that I could tell him why I was leaving and divorcing with a 3 rd party around. I flat out said..I'm leaving because I no longer am willing to be his punching bag, literally and figuratively. I am not willing to have my kids watch their mother be physically, emotionally and verbally abused on front of them anymore. I did this at the counselors office so that the VI couldn't do the above things to me.
I had already left and secured my own apartment for me and my kids by this time and only agreed to counseling just so I could tell him...I was divorcing him..there was no going back and under no circumstances was a changing my mind.
Needless to say the VI tried to DARVO his way out of that one..but it wasn't happening. I also had everything recorded so the therapist could hear him verbally and physcially abusing me.
Best damn 300 buck I have ever spent.
$300. Cheap at 10X the price.
I am happy for you and your children that you were done and ended it. I am sorry he was a violent characterless POS.
Where did your children land on their relationship with your X? Are they aware of the emotional and physical abuse?
Just curious.
At the end of a decade with
At the end of a decade with him in and out of in patient addiction treatment, and three kids concieved in the "honeymoons" between those stays, he just gave up fighting. I had found him in the crawl space of our house, high, digging holes, and paranoid af. He began explaining that my older children where dark angels come to kill him. The computers had told him so. i feigned concern and quickly bundled everything in the house with screens into his car to trick him to go. He took the electronics and left. The next day his work called. He had shown up barefoot telling wild tales about aliens who stole his car. His job was 40 miles away. i told the man who had called that wasnt my responsibility and i was not going to come remove him from their property. With help from an already established therapist, I navigated the process and was divorced (waived court fees and waiting period) within two months. My oldest daughter was 16. She has never forgiven me for my poor judgement. Waiting too long to leave and losing her respect so thoroughly has been the worst part of my life. There was no point in having any dialogue with that fool man. In the ensuing decade plus, his meth addled mind has revised that time and he now tells anyone who is nearby what an evil perso. I was and am. Every single memory i hold of his crazy drug use he has told his son's was all me. It is boggling, laughable. I wish he'd contract MRSA, have a sixth and final heart attack, or reuse a needle that a rat had licked.
thats not really the answer to Rag's question. Thanks for reading anyway. The unfairness of stuff has driven me from bed way early, and typing it does actually help.
I'm sorry that tragic relationship cost you your DD.
Though your escape is something to congratulate yourself on.
Take care of you.