and the skids are open to it...many arent, bc of BM's bad influence or whatever. some of us try really hard to no avail to be loving and affectionate towards our skids...

im curious--what kind of discussion did this prompt?

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

on if you're an affectionate person or not, if it's forced, it doesn't read as sincere. I tend to be more casual about affection with SD (she's older though, sounds like these kids are younger), I'll play with or stroke her hair, pat her on the back, or greet her and touch her on the back or on the shoulder. I usually don't out and out hug her unless she is upset (usually something BM did) but if she is upset I'll keep my arm around her, soothe her in any way I can.

I also do not curb my affection for my FH in front of SD. I will kiss him, hug him, lay on the couch with my head in his lap, etc. nothing rude or offensive of course, but yes, affection. Why? A. I want SD to see that her dad and I care for her each other B. I want her to take forward a loving and affectionate model into her own relationships. C. I do not want her to feel like she is interrupting our relationship by being here.

So yes, in general, I think physical affection, as long as it's not forced or unwanted by the other party is a good thing and does foster better self esteem and bonds in the family....

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

I think on the dynamic between the stepparent and stepchildren to begin with.

I think it is a really good idea to show your stepchildren affection if it comes from an authentic heart.

In my case, SS16 is not a tactile person to begin with-except with his father (interestingly enough not with his mother)-SS would not tolerate any affection from me-DH had me try to get SS to warm up to a friendly pat from me now and again but no way on either of our parts, it just felt so forced.

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

MY FSD is 16, I have known here since she was about 10, she was cautious around me in the beginning cuz of BioMom, but as she grew she began to realize I wasnt the enemy, now we are not affectionante to the extreme but I will touch her hair or touch her to goof around and lately we have hugged and I do think that has helped our (FSD) relationship- she now will tease me about being her only daughter! I have two biosons... she also put a comment on her myspace once that she know her dad and I love her.
Also FH and I are always affectionate when his kids are there, the ex was so awful to FH that I want her to see what a "healthy" relationship looks like too.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

It depends on the situation- it's all a "two-way" street...

DH and I have always been affectionate in front of all our kids, even to their great "teen" dismay! We'll hold hands in public, cuddle on the couch, etc.

And I'm also very affectionate with my older BS18, who has Down Syndrome. He and I have always had a close relationship and he's an extremely loving person in general.

But my BS15 is just the opposite. As a younger child, he used to be 'attached' to me, constantly jumping in my lap and wanting to be near me. Now as a teenager, he can't seem to get further away from me! (Yeah- teens are adorable...NOT )

And the SDs are very standoffish and unaffectionate when it comes to me. It definitely came from the brainwashing of their crazy BM, because in the VERY BEGINNING it wasn't that way at all. (Thanks, Slinky). SD18 did get a little more comfortable with me when she lived here FT for 1-1/2 years, occasionally cuddling up to me on the couch while we were watching movies together, but all-in-all, they all keep their distance.

Oh, well. I have DH and my BS. And that's enough for me. I don't think you can "force" the affection. It has to be wanted by both parties or it's just not going to work...JMHO.

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

I have to try to remember to hug my family! Sad huh? Especially since my mom was really loving, but I didn't get that. I like to hug, once in a while, when I initiate it! LOL! I hate it when my son or my SD walks up to me and wallers all over me. But I can't help it.....I just like personal space.

Of course with my BD 17 months we snuggle all the time. She's my favorite person in the world though, so some exceptions are made.

I think I'm to honest sometimes.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

The huge barrier between myself and SD17 can't be crossed that easily. Oh, I have hugged her. A quick, goodbye hug, "love you" for the first few months. And if her father is around she'll give me one of those standoff pat-hugs back. But it's forced. It's not real. And neither is it real if I hug here-the feelings do not support it.

SD14 and I are very affectionate with each other-like she's my own kid. And it's the real thing.

Perhaps if SD17 wasn't quite so old when we got married, it would've made a difference. But probably not. I've known her for a very long time, and she has grown into just what i thought she would-from a petulant, pouty, bossy young girl into a petulant, bossy, pouty young adult.

Have you ever hugged a board?

When SS was younger and saw DH and I loving(nothing he should not see) he would run up in the middle of us to get in on the action. Now he just grins ear to ear, turns red and looks away. He is 8. SS, H, and myself are all very affectionate with each other. We hug, we kiss and love. SS has a BM that is not near as affectionate and is violent with her partner. In the last 6mths SS has commented on several occasions that his Dad and I are "Special". when asked why are we special SS responds with cause ya'll love each other and ya'll love me and we work together as a team. I thought that pretty profound for an 8 year old. As Nothersiren stated I purposely love on H in front of SS because I want him to see what a happy relationship is like and how you should treat the ones you love because SS has said before to his dad and I that when gets a girlfriend or a wife that he does not want one that hits him but one that loves him like ya'll love each other. I truly feel when SS is with us he feels like he has a dad and a mom with him. While it is made clear he only had one mom he comes back with yeah but you treat me like a mom should and love me like that. I believe in love...in fact this past summer on the way to vacation SS is doodling in the back seat and he says Dad Step G and we say what? and he said I love Love it is the best word that God ever made.

I'm a hugger. Everyone in my family is very affectionate and it takes a half an hour when we are leaving a party just to say bye. From day one when I met SD then 14 I have always given her a big hug and treated her as a friend. We actually get along really well and she is now 16 and has for the past two years sent me thank you cards for b/day and the times that she has stayed with us. She directs these to me only (I kinda feel bad for my FH!) and says how much fun she has with, how she appreciates my genorisity how she loves our dogs, and she can't wait to come back and hang out with me again. It probably helps that we like the same kind of clothes, have the same taste in things like music and hairstyles and it is probably refreshing for her to not be around her mom who is a complete frump. I always make her feel welcome and at home but I do not and my FH does not spoil her either (I saw him do it only once!)

I am normally an affectionate person with DH and my family but not with the skids!! oh hell no!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

it makes me face a part of my life I really dont want to. Affection.....just the word makes me want to cringe sometimes. My exH used to use "affection" to mean that he could bash my head into a wall at any time and I was supposed to turn around a hug him afterwards. Nice huh?
Growing up, I dont really remember my parents being affectionate towards any of us kids. I used to be a huggy person, but after my exH, I no longer do that, and I guess he's why. After I moved in with my aunt when I was 15, she hugged me all the time. It always made me uncomfortable, even though I loved her probably more than my own parents.
I never really became affectionate with either SD, so maybe that's one of the many reasons we are not close? Funny thing is, I am affectionate with my sons, both of them. Dh and I DO show affection in front of them, they hate it, but we do it anyway. I like to embarass them when we are in public and I'll give him a kiss or hug or hold his hand. Always makes me laugh.
I do have a friend that is very cold that way. She cannot stand people to hug her, so she rarely gets human contact.

The only thought that come to mind for me was "Ewwww"...

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted