Rags, I don't think that anybody can give you the answer to that question. Have you tried to ask your wife that question?

I agree with you, I'm a type of person that cares more about what can be done from now on, than what could have been done in the past. Obviously I want my BS and SD to succeed in life, be good students, go to college, and have a great job but if things don't seem to be pointing towards that goal than you know what? Plan B !!! I believe in trying to make sure our kids' potential (whatever that is) is actually reached. Perhaps the reality of it all hasn't hit her yet, she might think that there is still a "posibility" of HER dream for her son.

Ultimately, I guess men are more practical and realistic than women, we tend to live in our own little world full of dreams and posibilities.

Good luck to your son, whatever path he chooses to follow.

Probably because she wants SS17 to be a huge success and someone that she can be proud of. However, it sounds like she is in denial regarding his true personality.

Be careful of this though. I suggested to DH that SD21 take a semester off to decide what direction to go after she failed out of jr. college. He ignored my warning and paid her way through beauty school just to hear 6 months later that she doesn't want to cut hair anymore. She's now working at a store as a cashier. Money NOT well spent. She will be around forever.

As a step-parent, the best you can do is make suggestions, but they will have to live with the consequences of their final decisions.

It sounds like your wife is still mourning the loss of "what could have been" for her son. I agree with you that SS should begin to find his own way in life, but it might take longer for your wife to come around to this idea. When I say longer... I mean months, possibly years. She will need to finish her grieving process for the hopes and dreams she had for her son before she comes to the full realization that SS chooses his own future.

I was one of those kids that didnt know what they wanted to do. Flailed around for a few years, had a daughter to a complete loser, now i'm in a stable relationship, about to complete uni and happier (apart from the ex) than i've ever been. Sometimes you just need to let your kids make their own mistakes and perhaps at some point they will realise they want to do something with their lives. OR not!

"This kid is just completely without passion or interests ...... in anything but playing video games"

You ever heard that when life gives you lemons..make lemonade...I think this is one of those deals. There are jobs or trade school that involve the making, production, design and graphics that go into making and selling video games. I think motivation is key. But it could be that he is just plain lazy and has no ambition and in that case some tough love from his mom might be in order....JMO :?

I don't know what will go on in your house but the rules here are NO ONE over the age of 18 and graduated lives here as a mooch. He can be required to get a part time job at the very least. He needs to decide what he's going to do, his mother can't do it because he won't follow through on it. I have mixed feelings about the military. Its a good place to teach discipline and for kids to grow up but with wars going on I don't know if I'd be keen on sending my child into the marines. Maybe another branch? My SS19 thought he was going to move in here and watch tv and play video games all day after he decided to wake up. He found out that don't fly here. He didn't want to go to school, ok he didn't want to go in the military ok, he didn't want to work, NOT ok. Rags you have a rough time coming up. I wouldn't want to do it again. I was lucky my husband saw my point and his older son helped him see it too. I don't know where SS19 got the idea he doesn't need to work and that his presence is a blessing but he learned fast I don't play that. We don't tolerate it from the other 3 so I'm not tolerating it from a 19 year old punk. Husband can feel guilty all he wants I'm not supporting a freeloader and the guilt husband has should be he didn't teach his son properly, husband used to feel guilty ss didn't get everything he wanted. Well no one else does either what makes ss19 so special? Grrr Kids today. I feel so old saying that but really adult kids don't want to grow up.

My little brother was in the same boat. Would not have been able to get into even any school. I am in the Air Force so I talked to my little brother about joining the military. He couldnt quilify to get into the AF so he went Army. He is still in boot-camp. I can see the change in him just from his letters. I myself would not want my child in the Army or Marine Corp. To much worry involved. Of course no branch of the military is safe but in the AF you have a great many jobs to chose from and all relate to the outside. Think about it, if he joins the MC what has he learned that he can use on the outside. Not a lot of gun for hire jobs out there ... unless he would like to be on a swat team or a police officer. In the AF on the other hand there are over 300 jobs that again all relate to the outside and it is a requirement not to at least attain an associates degree in whatever job you are in. Maybe you guys should look into that. I know the military was really good for me and so far I think its been an eye opener for my little brother. Im going to quote something he said in his last letter "I have been learning a lot about dicipline, and when the Army says dicipline boy do they mean it"

My parents gave each of us $52,000 for college, provided we did ROTC for a year. My sister didn't fulfill her obligation. My dad paid her way out of it, and she never graduated from college. Now, she gets mad when we mention anything having to do with anyone and college. I did it for a year. The army does not like people with asthma or hips. We decided mutually that we weren't suited for each other, and I took on three jobs and graduated. Then, I got a scholarship and got my second degree, and now, I take care of former servicemen and women and make good money doing so. My brother enlisted in the guard and linked himself to ROTC. He found the officers to be cocky, and decided he knew best and decided to not contract into ROTC. He has been in college for 6 years, comes home from his first tour in Iraq next month, and will hopefully finish school. While he's been in school, the 'rents have paid for everything, as it falls under his 52,000. Last summer, he hadn't been in school for nine months because of training dates conflicting with school dates. Mostly, he had guard once a month. He then whined to me about the 'rents not giving him another 2,000 for the last six weeks before he deployed. (Insert my foot up his rear here.) If you need that kind of money in Ohio for six weeks when you don't pay any of your own bills, something is wrong. I told him to get a job and had no sympathy. So, while he's in Iraq, he re-enlists. When he comes home, the 'rents have decided to let him pay his own bills before he can do it too badly to start out with where they can't help him fix it if he messes up. Long and short of it, my 'rents help my sister out financially now. They're trying to make my brother independent. I'm independent.

Through all of this, my mom's worry is over my brother deploying and something happening. What about paying for college after you get the grades. If the grades aren't satisfactory, he has already been responsible for the bill? And, a condition of living at home is a part time job? Or, what about looking at enlisting in the guard and contracting into ROTC to pay for school? Those are both compromises. Like it or not, Rags, I don't think any parent ever wants to see their child not do well and wants to be a safety net. You have to find a way of being the safety net while giving him a chance to get his feet wet in the real world.

Rags - I haven't had a chance to read everyone's comments, but I did see what Crayon said about her worrying about him becoming a war casualty and that I agree with.

I think there are a few things going on here.

I think that you definitely want what you believe is best for your SS - discipline and a job opportunity that will open him up to all kinds of growth experiences. The military gives him some time to grow up, and then pick a career path. I myself have seen the military transform boys into respectable men! It is sound and logical.

Your wife is thinking with emotion, not logic. She wants him to be happy. She wants him to succeed. She is acting a little over-protective right now, I think, because she has stated that "you don't want him there" anymore. So she is thinking that you are pushing military just to get the kid out of the house, rather than the motives that we all know you really have. And to be honest, even if she thinks you are right, she may just be holding out because it is "her baby".

I think the best thing you could do with her is to talk to her with your heart and gut and not your head. Use the emotion of this kid's life, not the logic, if you can. See if you can help her emotionally come around to :

1. Having her son live away from her - truly away from her.. and grow away from her.

2. Having her son possibly be in harm's way. That's a BIG ONE and not an easy hurdle to jump. I can almost guarantee that she thinks "you don't care" if he gets hurt in the military.

3. GENTLY tell her that he graduated from boarding school, but needs more discipline if he is to do what she wants him to do.

Maybe you guys are both too rigid in your stances? Like, if she thought that you really didn't just want him out and were okay with him going to JC and then xfer... that maybe the military would be more appealing to her?

Also... I have to ask you... If the kid barely passed boarding school.. how do you think he will do in the military? I thought he was kicked out of boarding school??? So are you just setting yourself and him up for him to be discharged because it's not really him to begin with?

All I know is that when I feel "stuck" or "forced" it makes me crazy. As soon as my husband gives me a little wiggle room, I calm down and can think a little more rationally. I know that's weird of me.... but it's true. Right now, I am going nuts being home and want to be on the road very very badly. BUT as soon as DH says he'll sacrifice his career so I can have mine, I realize that's not what I want either. Does that make sense?

Tread carefully and with love and I know you guys will work this out!!