Something is afoot in Spermland and it may be time to capitalize on their obvious financial distress.
Apparently BioDad's employment status has changed and SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa are no longer paying his CS.
To recap my SS CS situation with BioDad: Historically BioDad has not paid CS on my SS. His parents have paid it for him. Over approximately the past year we have been hearing grumblings from SpermGrandMa that things have been getting tight monetarily since SpermGrandPa is not longer working and they are living on their Social Security retirement benefits. 6 years ago the CSP began payroll withholding on BioDad's income for CS and his mommy and daddy would then reimburse him for the CS he paid for my SS and his second child (by a different mother. 4 out of wedlock kids by three different mothers).
Also, his parents pay all of BioDad's half of visitation travel expenses on my SS. (the other three kids all live locally).
In addition, the youngest three all live with SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa and BioDad does not pay his parents for any of the kid related costs.
Ok, so tonight when I checked the mail we got a letter from the CSP notifying us that CS is now nearly 2months in arrears and that withholding is now being taken from unemployment benefits.
Recent comments by SpermGrandMa indicate that things are getting very tight in SpermLand and that she and SpermGrandPa can no longer cover the costs of BioDad's ongoing quest to fertilize every available womb in the Western hemisphere.
My thoughts are that it is the perfect time to revisit the topic of adoption with BioDad. I adopt SS, he gets out of CS, our family name goes on the Skids high school and college diplomas (Though not a huge deal in the relative scheme of things this is a big deal to me). I would even allow the continuation of the established visitation schedule with two minor changes. 1.) Instead of half they pay all visitation travel expenses. 2.) They keep the same amount of time but my wife picks which week during Christmas break they get and which 5 week block of the summer they get.
This plan seems to have benefits to both camps in our blended family adventure. They get a reasonably significant financial break (at least the money would be significant for them and it is no big deal for us to lose it). We gain all decision authority and take total control of all things Skid so that we can mitigate the usual and periodic toxic crap they try to pull. BioDad is no longer saddled with any responsibility for SS which he pretty much has pawned off on his parents for my SS's entire life anyway.
Any thoughts?
Best regards,
- Rags's blog
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Comments
Sounds like a plan, but
how does SS feel? Is he open to the adoption? Would he care? I am sure that the paternal people would jump at the opportunity BUT you also said that they wanted family portraits this go round since SS has lost weight. If it is anything like with BDs paternal family they wanted nothing to do with the real raising, but the minute BD got a scholarship to a big school and travels and is doing well...They are the PROUDEST bunch as if they had been there putting in the work and making sacrifices all along. I guess if you put the offer on the table SS would definitely know where he stands with them if they accept it. It would show him that they think he is a financial burden and that the relationship is expendable. And I'm pretty sure that since they complain about their portion of the travel expenses now, this would more than likely mean that SS would not see them anytime soon because if they really are motivated by the money this would prove to be too much for them. Tough spot. Just make sure that SS is open to it and aware of what is going on. He is old enough to have a say. Good luck though.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
I don't know if either of the BM's are paying CS.
The Mother of the youngest two gave up custody to BioDad and I believe was paying CS ostensibly to BioDad.
The Mother of #2 had custody and was receiving CS (ostensibly from BioDad) but a couple of years ago dropped #2 off with BioPaternalGrandMa because the girl and a StepSister could not get along.
The most recent information I have is that all three of the youngest are living with BioDad's parents at least M-F (the stated reason is that the GP's live in a better school district). The last time we went to court the testimony was that at that time BioDad was not paying rent for the home he lives in (owned by his parents) and was not paying any child care or covering any costs for his parents raising his kids.
If we go with the smells like a dog, barks like a dog it must be a dog theory, I am very confident that BioDad pays nothing out of his own pocket.
I don't think getting BioDad fixed at this late date would solve many problems. Too bad his parents don't live in a state where a parent can elect to abort adult children if they can't manage to extricate their heads from their asses.
Best regards,
rags
how does your stepson feel about all this?
does he understand what is going on? I think he is 16 right?
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Dany, the point is to finally eliminate the toxic crap they load
my SS up with every visitation. Better late than never. It is not so much about my winning but his (my SS) winning.
My SS has come to his own very accurate conclusions about his BioDad and the extended BioPaternalFamily.
This would allow him to make his own decisions about how much time he spent with them and when it occurred rather than having to listen to their guilt trips about how he should come visit more ofter even if he misses school and other inane crap that they load him up with.
They have complained for years that because his Mom and I make a substantial living that it is not fair that they should have to pay CS and that my SS should tell his Mom to drop the CS requirement.
I am merely giving them the opportunity to grant their own wish. Give up all parental rights, quit paying CS and keep the same number of weeks of visitation with the caveat that they pick up all travel costs and take the visitation when my SS and my wife say they take it. He has called many times over the years while on visitation and said "Mom (or Dad) I want to come home". Because he has grown tired of hearing them whine about how victimized they are by us and the courts, or how unfairer it is that my SS has nice stuff and they don't, or how his table manners are snooty, or how he is just going to have to settle for going out to dinner at BurgerKing instead of going for sushi, "we don't eat that Japanese crap", etc, etc, etc ........... He has never once come to us and said "I want to go see Dad(Bio)".
It is a win win and the one that really wins is the Skid.
If it came to fruition I would never comment to my SS that his BioDad had finally proven how much of a loser he is by giving up my SS. We would approach it in as positive a manner as we do even the toxic horse shit they lay on him nearly every visitation. "Son, they are probably just under a lot of stress and are taking it out on you and on us. They are your family and you need to learn to love them even when they may not be making decisions that you can respect". And countless other talks designed to preserve my SS's regard for his SpermFamily while recognizing that his disdain for their behavior and decisions is valid.
It is a tough balancing act, it would be so much easier just to say "don't worry about it son, they are idiots and do not have a combined double digit IQ if you totaled the IQ of every generation in their idiot genetic tree".
But true though it may be, we never, ever would say that to him.
Best regards,
I am not bitter I just detest people that load their inane crap
on to kids.
"Don't lie, you would love if this happened. You would love it if your ss finally "realized" that his father does not "really love him" and that YOU are indeed, the hero..."
First, I don't lie. My heart would break for my SS if he ever came to the conclusion that his BioDad does not really love him. No kid should have to deal with that. I am sure on some superficial level his BioDad does love him. However, his behavior and actions provide no evidence of it.
I am a "real" parent and the only "real" dad in my SSs life. I am not his male genetic contributor but I am his father.
By eliminate the toxic crap I mean that if they do not have to pay CS then their main complaint over the last 15 years would be moot and they would have little to bitch about when my SS is with them.
We would offer the same amount of visitation though not the same schedule.
And finally, never once did the words "ss and wife will dictate when (if ever) ss sees his family?" either enter my mind or flow from my fingers on the keyboard. What I said was that THEY would take visitation WHEN SS and wife say. I did not say anything about how long.
I have a question for you Dany, As a step parent how can I be on a power trip as you so naively claim since I have no power as the courts have so eloquently and repeatedly informed me that I am "not a party to the case"?
You just can't stand anything I have to say can you? I hold people accountable for their actions Dany. And for some reason you take exception to that.
Why is that might I ask?
I give respect to those that earn it. My SS's BioDad (et al) have not earned it.
Best regards,
Honestly, I don't think its
Honestly, I don't think its a good idea either. I don't see what SS gains from it. If SS wants to change his last name, I'm pretty sure that can be done without an adoption. My sister is doing it now with her oldest (7 yrs) I understand why you like the idea, it gives you more power in dealing with these people you despise. But I don't see how it benefits your SS. Am I missing something?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
The goal would be to have the ability to protect my SS from
them and insulate him from their toxic influence.
You are correct that I despise them. But only because of their long and proven history of loading my SS with crap that is their issues and not his.
In the relative scheme of things we are only talking a difference of 17 months before he ages out from under visitation any way.
Unfortunately in 17 months their crap is likely to just get worse when they realize that they are on the hook for CS for another 4 years while he attends college. At that point the CS stops routing to my wife and routes directly to my SS and he can chose to waive their CS obligation. They are going to be completely up his ass at that point. I will make sure he has a stack of cards for our family attorney so that when they call to whine he can say "If you called to have a quality conversation with me I am glad you called, if you called to discuss your legally mandated support obligation to me call my attorney at 555-444-3210. Love ya Dad and GrandMa"
Best regards,
Wow, do you have a severe case of selective hearing or what?
I would like nothing more than for my SS's BioDad (et al) to behave in a manner worthy of my SS's respect.
As I have stated repeatedly my SS loves them he just is conflicted by the disconnect in his feelings for them and what he sees them do and hears them say.
I do not wish him to hate them. I don't even hate them.
I abhor them because of their decisions.
There is a difference.
I have made mistakes as a parent, as a husband, as a son and as a professional. But, I learn from my mistakes and make changes in an effort to not make the same mistakes twice.
THEY just do the same stupid shit over and over while expecting a different result.
Their poor decisions only impact me because they impact my SS. If not for how their decisions and behavior effect my SS I couldn't care less about these people.
Best regards,
IMHO, Rags, what you are suggesting is commendable
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Instead of looking at this making your SS feel "unloved" by his BioDad, what about the positive that the man who actually raised him, and is married to his mother, wants, and would be proud to have SS an his legal son?
No matter whether it actually goes thru, no matter whether all involved (BioDad, SS, Rags)agree to the adoption, what a statement it makes that you, Rags, want this young man to be legally yours. As he would be in other circumstances, as you are the one who loved, guided, disciplined him.
I personally can think of no greater, no clearer way to state that you love your SS as your own.