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Why?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 2:09pm

Why is it that so many in blended family/Step marriages engage in so much self delusion in their blended family relationships?

Toxic ill behaved manipulative Skids who while creating havoc in the lives of blended families and in many cases direct that crappy behavior at their SParent only to have that SParent tolerate it and ascribe qualities to that kid that just are not there.  The kid is a "good" kid at heart, "sweet", "Loving", etc, etc, etc........ Yet evil, manipulative, toxic, illbehaved, etc, etc....

Many of these SParents  hold their SO up to be "the love of the SP's life", "soul mate", "Mr/Ms Wonderful", etc....... while the partner facilitates and defends toxic Skid behavior, gaslights the SP, sucks resources out of the SP's efforts, etc, etc, etc.... 

Yet, so many SP's tolerate it all, support it, and continue to accept the failed partner and toxic prior relationship spawn.

Of course even in the Step world that is often fraught with these stories, fortunately they are the exception rather than the rule.  

That they are seemingly glossed over by Sparents and tolerated at all is mind boggling to me.  Life and marriage are not burdens to be suffered through.

So why do so many SParents do just that?

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 2:15pm

Because it's not just SPs. People in all kinds of relationships put up with this. We don't teach people what a good relationship should be, so they stay stuck in bad ones because they don't know any different. We just happen to be a place for SPs, but I promise (having been part of other boards) it permeates in every type of relationship.

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 2:31pm

Because I think you end up feeling stuck....or thinking that it will all pass when XYZ happens. Like kids will graudate and leave...problems solved....even though we know that is not true.

Also when the bio parent thinks the kids are ANGELS and the step parent thinks they are AWFUL.....that just doesn't work. If the step parent says a single thing...she is a mean witch.

This is how my DH views his SD17.....because she doesn't drink, do drugs, fail out of school, smart mouth or whatever other awful things some teens can do......she is PERFECT...wow what great standars. I do not understand his line of thinking.......so because of his thinking....so basically any other bull shit she pulls if totally fine and okay.

Now...if I were to tell DH that I can't stand how she lies all of the time...literally lies to his face non stop and can't even be bothered to clean up after herself ever.....he would proably be in tears telling me what a great kid she is all b/c she is not a drop out drug addict at 17. yeah okay dude.

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 4:07pm

If you're wrong stay wrong.

Admitting our husbands and families suck it would mean admitting we made a bad choice and maybe we suck too. To cope we all live with a certain level of cognitive dissonance. 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 5:08pm

the people we go for.  just fall for the smooth talk.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 6:24pm

its sitting in water that is the perfect temperature.

Then gradually the heat increases, little by little, ever so slowly.

Until they start boiling and die.

Thats how they do it.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 02/04/2020 - 7:39pm

I think I'm a bit of a unicorn because I knew my DH before he spawned with BioHo. I KNEW him. I knew his thoughts, his desires, his ideals. And prayed the Disney Dad was temporary. I consider myself extraordinarily fortunate that he rejected the DD and reclaimed the man I knew he was.

Maybe people catch glimpses of the person buried under the PAS and the fear of the CP BS and the Disney crap and the mini wife/husband. It peeks out now and again and you cling to that and HOPE. Not everyone is a ***whipped, gaslighting ahole.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 02/06/2020 - 2:28am

Thanks everyone for the feedback.  I think it is a blend of what everyone has said. 

I was one of these for a couple years of my life as a young adult.   I put up with the toxic spouse for 2 years because I married to stay married.  Fortuneately my personally experienced marital education only took me 2 years and she left me.  I likely would not have left her for quite a bit longer.  Fortunately her extramarital sexual activity got her pregnant before I did.

I suppose my notable refulsion to the "perfect" and tragically flawed spouse is due to my own experiences.

I am fotrunate in having landed in a wonderful marriage to a truly incredible partner on my do-over marriage.  I wish everyone could have that experience and avoid the toxic Skids and worse yet, the toxic partner.