I'm afraid putting my foot down with SD will be the end of my marriage
Help - I see a lot of comments on this site that are so much like my story - my H and I have been married for 3 years - together for 4. He is Wonderful, I love him and I have no doubts about his love for me BUT... SD is causing a BIG gap. We have her and SS everyo ther week.She is 13, w/o her life is great.H is a happy person, when she is around he is so moody. She is even horrible to her brother 10,not to mention my son 12.When we first got married she left notes around saying she hated me and my son and wanted me to die. I asked H to make it stop and he did - 1st year. 2nd year she starts stealing, little things, combs/brushes,perfume,deod.-small stuff/I fell guilty making a big deal out of it, but stealing is stealing. Then she took some new shoes - they were the same size her BM wore, she made sure I knew.H made her bring them back - some jewerly H made her bring it back. 3rd year she makes a My Space with explict emails - H fuses at her, no real punishment. Now she is lying about me, being overly hateful and disrepectful and stealing small things from me (make-up) and my mother's house (keeps her after school).She wanted to live with us full time but judge ruled continue 50/50 custody. I have found notes that she wants to break up my marriage.My problem now is H is tired of it all and is blaming me.When she does something wrong he gets mad at me.She cried to him that I went thru her stuff(my house,I have to sometimes to find my stuff and she won't put her dirty laundry out to wash).I am to the point where if she takes something or gets real nasty I have to let her get away with it to avoid H being upset.I try to ignore her when she is there. She makes nasty faces behind H back and is so sweet to him.I know he has guilt and he loves his kid but I am at wits end.I love my H so much but I want to put my foot down and say This is my house,no more - I am afraid he will leave and then she will really win - she will have ruined my marriage - her ultimate goal. Help
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my opinion, take it for what it is worth
What about getting your sd in counseling? If she is having issues with stealing and lying, and threats towards the other children, counseling should be explored. Your husband shouldn't make it about you and her. Why do guys do that? It's not a female to female issue. If she really hates you or has an issue with you, he should look at what he can do to help his daughter. She is making you a target and I think it will only get worse. He needs to be able to come up with some other option than for you to ignore it especially with the stealing. He needs to enforce rules in your house when she comes over. You should not be disrespected in your own house especially by a child. She would not be welcomed in my home and I think you should take a stand. What's going to happen when she is 16 or 18 and coming over with her friends breaking items, stealing more than jewelry like credit cards or money? Let your husband know you are willing to work with him to try to help her. But if his solution is turning the other cheek and guilt, he is jeopardizing his whole family. His family includes you, your child and both his kids...not just his daughter.
You know - as petty and
You know - as petty and ridiculous as this is going to sound - maybe have your son start doing the same thing to him so he can see how it feels.....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
The problem is NOT your SD- sorry to say
It's your HUSBAND. She is only a child and these problems could be easily corrected. However, she is only getting away with what she is allowed to, and your husband is giving her that power.
Here it is in these two sentences that you wrote,
"My problem now is H is tired of it all and is blaming me. When she does something wrong he gets mad at me."
And until he accepts that HE needs to parent her, stop blaming YOU, and change HIS behavior, the situation will never change.
I'm sorry to be so short and so blunt, but I have been where you are and I'm going to save you a lot of time and a lot of heartache here.
He and you need to get to counseling- TOGETHER. Trust me on this!
He needs to get his a$$ in gear and start being a parent and seeing you as his EQUAL ADULT and not as another child.
PM me if you need to and I can tell you more. Good luck and hugs!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Tell me more
you so hit the nail on the head - I feel like he treats me like I am a child - he even makes the comment that I act like a child when I bring up that she has stolen something or that she is being hateful. My husband and I have gone to counseling and it was great - I think it really brought us closer. Funny thing is SD makes him a different person. One week she went on a school fieldtrip - it was me, my son, stepson and husband and it was the best week of our marriage. My stepson literally cried when we had to go pick her up. At this point I want to put her in counseling but I am afraid to say this to my husband. He is so overboard with her. It is like he feels like I am attacking her by pointing out these problems. I have decided to lay low for awhile, just give it a couple of weeks, ignore her and let him cool down. Then I thought I would suggest to him to put her in couseling, or maybe suggest the WHOLE family go to counseling. I feel giulty because I have married this man and thus caused My son to be subjected this horrible little girl.
Sounds like you have been through this - yes, please tell me more I can't tell you what it means to me to be able to talk to someone who can relate.
I sent you a PM
check your inbox
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
This is exactly what I was thinking!
We had something similar going on in MY home. Your husband needs to see that he is the first problem, not you. These guys need to learn to parent and not feel guilty about doing it. The kid is the one getting the short end by DH's not stepping up. My SD (17) ended up going back to her mom to live because my husband fell out of SD favor when he said no to some things she wanted. Of course, I'm the one who actually said no and he had to relay the message to her. These guys have no big ones if you know what I mean. Why is it always us who has to straighten out the crap??
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
When someone answers this
When someone answers this question - please let me know!!!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I've decided SD's are harder
I've decided SD's are harder than SS's. Girls just seem to be capable of a whole different level of meanness and sneakiness. Makes me not very proud of my sex sometimes.
I think this one is up to you and only you. If you draw a line in the sand, you might lose H or you might not. If you don't, SD will continue to make your life a living hell or maybe she'll grow out of it. Counseling of course would probably help if you could get all sides to do it. This is such a hard one, but only you can decide what you need to do and where your lines need to be.
I agree with 5teens
H is the problem. He has all kinds of issues. First, he is putting his own guilt ahead of everything. Ok, he and the bm are no longer together...deal with it...spank the inner moppet and move on...you know? It sounds like he's got heaps of guilt because the relationship didn't work out and now poor baby girl is left w/o a mommy and daddy (sarcasm there). And it sounds like he's got control issues because he *should* be agreeing with you and siding with you. You are the adults in the house and you are supposed to be a united front, but he's letting you down by taking the side of his kid *who is completely wrong*.
I personally think you should take evidence of what you know...notes, etc. and present them to H when you talk to him and say, "look so-and-so is trying to destroy our marriage. When you don't back me, she is succeeding." And show him the proof and tell him how it makes you feel when you don't get support from him. And stand up to him. If he wants to leave, let him...you have to play hardball sometimes. If he loves you, he'll work things out. He's testing you to see how far he can push you. You don't have to stand up to him if you don't want though. If you want to keep on like now, that's ok too...it's your right to handle this how you want. If you don't think you can stand up to him and are that afraid of losing him then you can just not say anything and keep taking it.
I've been exactly where you are, only the person messing us up was bm not the skids. I let him walk on me for the longest time, and tried to be the bigger person...until the day I found her in my home yet again after I said no more. I had a completely insane episode on both of them and left for the weekend. I talked calmly to H a couple of days later and told him that this is the end...either fix it or we're done...stick to our rules or I will walk. He tried to control me, but I got mad and really firmly (read "crazy b*tch" lol) told him in no uncertain terms *NO MORE!* Things have been good since then, and he listens to me way, way more than before the blowup...he tries way harder in ways I thought impossible.
So, you just need to decide what you can do and what you can live with. I really empathize with you and hope things work out the way you want them to. Hugs.
The ultimate responsiblity lies with your Husband
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Men who take wives, just so they can have someone to be with, instead of someone to treasure, are the problem. Your SD, like mine, would never act the way they do if our H's would have a normal father daughter relationship with them, instead of acting as tho they are the queens, to be worshiped. And we are the slaves, to serve. It's just bull$h1t.
I tried disengaging. All that has happened so far is I continue to be run over in my own home. I couldn't even lay down for a rest Sunday in my own bed, because SD13 was sleeping in it! (I was up on the roof cleaning the leaves off when she decided it was hers to take-we have 2 spare beds in this house, but she takes mine???)
Bewitched - there is no
Bewitched - there is no reason why that kid should be sleeping in your bed or going into your room - period!! Lay down the law on this one asap - my SDS are not allowed in my room under any circumstances!!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
It's your husband's fault period
I think that you are seeing that is a recurring theme here. If you DH does not teach her to respect you then she isn't going to. I agree that you and DH should go to counseling on how to handle this matter and that you need to present a united front when dealing with SD. She needs to know that whatever crap she pulls that your husband is always going to back you up. We all have to remember that these kids will grow up then it will just be you and your hubby and you can not let her get in between your relationship with him. Good luck and please let us know what happens.
It's become clear that he will never back me up
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Never. I've posted a blog on Saving My Sanity. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Hoping for H to back me up on anything is beyond reason anymore. Example-he and sd's deciding I will make deviled eggs on Thanksgiving. Me saying I will not. H saying you will-it's unanimous. That said it all. They want something, I don't. It's unanimous. Since when is 3 against one unanimous? Since when does the vote of the person doing the actual work not count? Perfect example of how H views me in this relationship. I simply don't count. Well, if they want the dam eggs, he can fix them. I'm not going to. My son will be here-I'll be busy with what he wants to eat-not them.
And H won't dare treat me like crap with my strong, outspoken, much younger than H and therefore more powerful than H, son here. My BS is a very powerful young man-he runs a directional drill at work, and that involves alot of heavy lifting. H, on the other hand, outweighs him, but it's all belly fat.:evil:
Ladies, I am detaching from H. I am not able to divorce him at this time (good legal advice), but I am able to detach emotionally. He will no longer be the focus of my life. School will be. And a brighter future someday down the road. With or without him. I don't know what the shift in power will do, but H will no longer make me cry with his cruel attitude. And I don't think it's possible for him to change enough for me to feel the love I had for him when I married him.
thank you to all for making me feel better
OMG I am so happy I found this site.I gotta tell you all I have officailly 'disengaged' from SD as much as possible.It is really making my life so much better, less drama and I am so happier. SKs home on Monday for H's week (week on/week off c. SD ignored me, I ignored her - until she wanted something.She wanted to take my camera to school (I said no, H said take his, she got mad and said nevermind - it was an abvious power play cause she could have easily taken his,same difference)She tried to be nasty and he told her to stop - she got mad and went to her room.That was Monday night - last night I picked all three kids up from school, BS, SS and I were talking about school and SD told SS to stop talking to me, he jerked up so I know she hit him or jabbed him with her elbow. I ask him if he was ok and he just mumbled and quit talking. H had to work over so when we got home SD went to her room and stayed there until H got home .She spilled Tea all over the kitchen floor and walked out and left it.He told her to clean it up when she got done eating dinner(I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut).After she ate she went and cleaned up a little of it.She left ice all over the floor and did not clean up the counter.I told him and he got mad.I just went to the living room and turned on the TV.He finally made her come back and clean it up. Boy did she get mad, she went back to her room and refused to come out and watch a movie with the family.I figured so what - your choice.I popped popcorn and me and the boys sat back and enjoyed the show w/o her.This is really working, I am gonna keep it up.It seems like as long as I don't say anything H is now able to see her actions with his own eyes.Here's hoping this keeps working - I tell you so far (fingers crossed)this has been the best week with SKs since I don't know when.