What about getting your sd in counseling? If she is having issues with stealing and lying, and threats towards the other children, counseling should be explored. Your husband shouldn't make it about you and her. Why do guys do that? It's not a female to female issue. If she really hates you or has an issue with you, he should look at what he can do to help his daughter. She is making you a target and I think it will only get worse. He needs to be able to come up with some other option than for you to ignore it especially with the stealing. He needs to enforce rules in your house when she comes over. You should not be disrespected in your own house especially by a child. She would not be welcomed in my home and I think you should take a stand. What's going to happen when she is 16 or 18 and coming over with her friends breaking items, stealing more than jewelry like credit cards or money? Let your husband know you are willing to work with him to try to help her. But if his solution is turning the other cheek and guilt, he is jeopardizing his whole family. His family includes you, your child and both his kids...not just his daughter.

It's your HUSBAND. She is only a child and these problems could be easily corrected. However, she is only getting away with what she is allowed to, and your husband is giving her that power.

Here it is in these two sentences that you wrote,
"My problem now is H is tired of it all and is blaming me. When she does something wrong he gets mad at me."

And until he accepts that HE needs to parent her, stop blaming YOU, and change HIS behavior, the situation will never change.
I'm sorry to be so short and so blunt, but I have been where you are and I'm going to save you a lot of time and a lot of heartache here.

He and you need to get to counseling- TOGETHER. Trust me on this!
He needs to get his a$$ in gear and start being a parent and seeing you as his EQUAL ADULT and not as another child.

PM me if you need to and I can tell you more. Good luck and hugs!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I've decided SD's are harder than SS's. Girls just seem to be capable of a whole different level of meanness and sneakiness. Makes me not very proud of my sex sometimes.

I think this one is up to you and only you. If you draw a line in the sand, you might lose H or you might not. If you don't, SD will continue to make your life a living hell or maybe she'll grow out of it. Counseling of course would probably help if you could get all sides to do it. This is such a hard one, but only you can decide what you need to do and where your lines need to be.

H is the problem. He has all kinds of issues. First, he is putting his own guilt ahead of everything. Ok, he and the bm are no longer together...deal with it...spank the inner moppet and move on...you know? It sounds like he's got heaps of guilt because the relationship didn't work out and now poor baby girl is left w/o a mommy and daddy (sarcasm there). And it sounds like he's got control issues because he *should* be agreeing with you and siding with you. You are the adults in the house and you are supposed to be a united front, but he's letting you down by taking the side of his kid *who is completely wrong*.

I personally think you should take evidence of what you know...notes, etc. and present them to H when you talk to him and say, "look so-and-so is trying to destroy our marriage. When you don't back me, she is succeeding." And show him the proof and tell him how it makes you feel when you don't get support from him. And stand up to him. If he wants to leave, let him...you have to play hardball sometimes. If he loves you, he'll work things out. He's testing you to see how far he can push you. You don't have to stand up to him if you don't want though. If you want to keep on like now, that's ok too...it's your right to handle this how you want. If you don't think you can stand up to him and are that afraid of losing him then you can just not say anything and keep taking it.
I've been exactly where you are, only the person messing us up was bm not the skids. I let him walk on me for the longest time, and tried to be the bigger person...until the day I found her in my home yet again after I said no more. I had a completely insane episode on both of them and left for the weekend. I talked calmly to H a couple of days later and told him that this is the end...either fix it or we're done...stick to our rules or I will walk. He tried to control me, but I got mad and really firmly (read "crazy b*tch" lol) told him in no uncertain terms *NO MORE!* Things have been good since then, and he listens to me way, way more than before the blowup...he tries way harder in ways I thought impossible.
So, you just need to decide what you can do and what you can live with. I really empathize with you and hope things work out the way you want them to. Hugs.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Men who take wives, just so they can have someone to be with, instead of someone to treasure, are the problem. Your SD, like mine, would never act the way they do if our H's would have a normal father daughter relationship with them, instead of acting as tho they are the queens, to be worshiped. And we are the slaves, to serve. It's just bull$h1t.

I tried disengaging. All that has happened so far is I continue to be run over in my own home. I couldn't even lay down for a rest Sunday in my own bed, because SD13 was sleeping in it! (I was up on the roof cleaning the leaves off when she decided it was hers to take-we have 2 spare beds in this house, but she takes mine???)

Bewitched - there is no reason why that kid should be sleeping in your bed or going into your room - period!! Lay down the law on this one asap - my SDS are not allowed in my room under any circumstances!!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

I think that you are seeing that is a recurring theme here. If you DH does not teach her to respect you then she isn't going to. I agree that you and DH should go to counseling on how to handle this matter and that you need to present a united front when dealing with SD. She needs to know that whatever crap she pulls that your husband is always going to back you up. We all have to remember that these kids will grow up then it will just be you and your hubby and you can not let her get in between your relationship with him. Good luck and please let us know what happens.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Never. I've posted a blog on Saving My Sanity. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Hoping for H to back me up on anything is beyond reason anymore. Example-he and sd's deciding I will make deviled eggs on Thanksgiving. Me saying I will not. H saying you will-it's unanimous. That said it all. They want something, I don't. It's unanimous. Since when is 3 against one unanimous? Since when does the vote of the person doing the actual work not count? Perfect example of how H views me in this relationship. I simply don't count. Well, if they want the dam eggs, he can fix them. I'm not going to. My son will be here-I'll be busy with what he wants to eat-not them.

And H won't dare treat me like crap with my strong, outspoken, much younger than H and therefore more powerful than H, son here. My BS is a very powerful young man-he runs a directional drill at work, and that involves alot of heavy lifting. H, on the other hand, outweighs him, but it's all belly fat.:evil:

Ladies, I am detaching from H. I am not able to divorce him at this time (good legal advice), but I am able to detach emotionally. He will no longer be the focus of my life. School will be. And a brighter future someday down the road. With or without him. I don't know what the shift in power will do, but H will no longer make me cry with his cruel attitude. And I don't think it's possible for him to change enough for me to feel the love I had for him when I married him.