Finding a backbone
I thought maybe if I started making a blog, I could monitor my feelings and history better, look back on my reality.
I told DH last night about SD15 and SD16's FB post and how my feelings were hurt. I told him to please not say anything to them, I will feel like a whiner. I just wanted him to be aware of how his kids treat me. DH and I are scheduling a vacation in September of this year with friends and I told him, I am not sure if we will even make it that long, I am worried to pay for everything and then we separate. He got defensive. I told him MIL has been a bitch to me since I met her, I have disengaged, your kids treat me like crap, I have disengaged, ex treated me like crap I have disengaged, and now due to his lack of backbone, I have basically disengaged with him. I told him our sex life SUCKS and he tells me to hold on, it will get better, MIL won't be alive forever and his kids will be gone. I said, but they will always be your kids! It didn't click for him. But I do honestly have one foot out the door and am preparing.
DH text me today and asked if I could pick up SD15 from her mom's, she refuses to ride the bus home, so a friend drops her off there and someone picks her up and takes her our house if SD16 has to work. I told DH my feelings were very hurt over the fb post, it is like walking on glass around our house, and although I want to say no, I know in my heart the right thing to do is get her, and I will do it for him & he can make supper tonight, I have to work out. He got really upset and told me she found a ride. I didn't ask anymore then that.
As I try to hold back from not crying, I am not sure why I am so emotional nor how much longer I can hold on.
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I am going to assume he is
I am going to assume he is mad because in the past, regardless when I got home or wanted to work out, I always cooked dinner. After their mean words spoken to me, posts on FB, and no regard for my efforts, I decided once they came back, I would not cook supper for them anymore, he can. We get home about the same time after work. He didn't want to cook supper.
I think he is mad because I said I would get her but my feelings are still hurt over the way they treated me in the past and the fb post from last friday, but I would do it for him. His feelings were probably hurt because i called his kids out.
Ugh, I'm confused.. so you
Ugh, I'm confused.. so you say "after the mean words spoken to you on FB"... but then in your response to me, you said you were just "tagged" in a picture thanking people, that didn't mention you at all. Am I missing something or am I just being obtuse??
I was tagged in this picture
I was tagged in this picture that had this written thank you note included with it. the picture was of his kids. Sorry, I probably didn't explain myself well enough.
What is this FB post you
What is this FB post you speak of?
I posted this in the general
I posted this in the general forum the other day. I thought maybe blogging would help me come to my sense quicker, at least release tension/stress in my life, writing my thoughts and having others understand who don't belittle my intentions.
In order to maintain my sanity, I have significantly disengaged from Sd15 and sd16. We had a blow out about a month and half ago and I still have not talked to sd16, we have them eow.
I get this notification on my phone around 1am, sd16 tagged me in a post on fb. I do not follow either because I do not care what they are doing or interested in. I read the post, it is a group picture with a couple friends and a message thanking friends parents (by name), bm, step dad,and dh for all they do for them. Dh does not have a fb and I do not share mine will with him. I was not mentioned at all.
I did a lot for them prior to this past winter, for sanity I had to stop. They are abusers.I hid the post from my timeline and will pretend I never saw it. I think instances like this push me further away from dh and make me want to live a different life then the one I have. I have no desire to be intimate with him and since probably January, I rarely go in public with him anymore.
I have started hiding money in preparation to leave, I try to tell myself everyday it will get better but reading posts, I can't see it. I want to be loved and respected, the same I gave out but can no longer do.
I told him that, I should be
I told him that, I should be fine with it being I choose to disengage, but overall it was a dig at me partially, and I realize I need to do even less.
Oh, the blow out was when
Oh, the blow out was when SD16 decided to have a party at our house while we were gone for the night. She lied about the whole thing. Kids were drinking, we have loaded guns in the house, I was very mad. We all had a sit down, all the kids to include mine, SD16 decided to yell at me that it wasn't my house, it was her's. First time DH ever stood up for me and told her no, it is my house, I pay the bills. I told SD16, if she wanted to start contributing and paying rent it would be different, this is my house and her dad's house. It was a, she was here first thing. Then she constantly said she was mature, she told everyone to drive home after they had been drinking and told everyone not to touch the guns......UM WHAT!I assume the FB post is just a leaking down of our argument over her party. DH said SD16 acts like her mother.
During the argument after the
During the argument after the party, the SD made the proclamation that SHE was there first, so was more important and the house was HERS, blah, blah, blah. Basically that OP did not belong and had no say in things.
When OP was tagged for the FB thing, it was deliberate, so she could see that they left her out when thanking everybody. It was a bitch move.
Oh, sorry! Yeah, that part
Oh, sorry!
Yeah, that part made no sense. She's so mature that she let minors drive after drinking? Yes, please continue to demonstrate your maturity.
DH doesn't have a FB nor
DH doesn't have a FB nor cares about anything that is going on with FB. They thanked DH for all he does for them and tagged me. They KNOW he is not interested in FB.
I guess because DH knows what
I guess because DH knows what is going on and does not stand up for me, signifying another reason I need to leave.
I had a similar comment said
I had a similar comment said to me more than once, via text and verbally. SO said in response "well, technically that is true, she did exist here before you did." But he did not GET how hurtful that is to say. You could respond with "well technically your mother was here first, but you can see how that went."
Other folks here suggested that when a skid sais the "I was here first" comment, a good response is to say "well I am here now!"
But that FB post - well the internet is forever, and stupid is forever...
Of course you're emotional!
Of course you're emotional! You're stressed, upset, and are facing the possibility that you may end your marriage.
If you are disengaged, then you do NOT cook for the skids. You do NOT pick them up. You do nothing for them. If you were not there, your DH would HAVE to do these things. That's the bottom line.
I disengaged from my skids. I haven't cooked a meal for them in 1.5 years. DH hates to cook. He will either buy them pizza or bake some premade frozen stuff. They eat a lot of pizza.
The only skid laundry I do is bath towels because DH uses the same towels (I have my own in the other bathroom). Skid clothes go home for BioHo to wash. Skid bedding is DH's responsibility. The door to the skids' room stays closed. If it needs vacuuming, DH or one of the skids can do it. I do NOTHING for the skids.
The ONLY exception would be an emergency. We have never had one (knock on wood), but that is the single exception I would make to doing something for the skids. They are not my responsibility. They are DH's and BioHo's.
I don't mind cooking but I do
I don't mind cooking but I do not eat anything they do, so I always have to cook something for DH, DD and SDs. I am picky, so I get it, if they didn't want to eat it I tried not to make it again. I have a bad stomach, IBS, so I try to be compassionate. I have DD full time, SDs EOW. I tried to be the super SM and cook, set table, clean, but I constantly told him no one appreicated me, I am frustrated. After the blow out with SD16 about a month or so ago, and FB post, I refuse to cook for SDs anymore. I cook the weeks they are not with us for DH and DD. I know I sound like I am whining, I am so frustrated and trying to find my footing. I have SDs for 5 more days before they go back to BM.
Oh, I cook dinner. For
Oh, I cook dinner. For myself! DH eats what the skids eat. I cook after they have eaten and I cook for one. I also clean up MY mess. DH cleans up after the skids.
On non-skid nights, I cook dinner for both of us. I also cook on non-skid weekends (DH works those weekends) so DH can take dinner to work.
I'm mean, Cocktail. I cook
I'm mean, Cocktail. I cook things like steak or shrimp scampi or fish. But just enough for Evil Aniki. }:)
On rare occasion (twice in
On rare occasion (twice in the last 1.5 years), DH grilled burgers. Those were the only 2 times I assisted by making fries or tater tots for everyone and I also did the dishes. DH let me fix my plate first and I then disappeared into the bedroom to watch TV while he ate with the boys.
Just from the brief bit I
Just from the brief bit I have seen her, it really seems like you and your DH need to try to figure out how to communicate better together.
I can see from his point of view that it might be frustrating because it seems like the result of every communication with you he gets the laundry list of complaints about his family. Vacation Planning? Your family hates me. Can you pick up SD? Your daughter hates me.
You say you want him to stand up for you. Well, what exactly do you want him to do or say on your behalf? Quite frankly you can't make people "like" someone else. He can insist on them not being overtly rude to you, but veiled things like a tagging on a FB post... pfft... that is minor. BTW, why would you be FB friends with someone who you are disengaged from?
You say you want to disengage from those people. Well, part of disengaging is that you no longer care about what they say or do in relation to you right? It's not just that you don't cook them dinner. You become two ships passing in the night so to speak. You are not FB friends. You can go pick up a kid to help out your husband..as that is something to help HIM, not necessarily the kid. Disengaging means not putting a lot of emotional weight towards those people.
So, I think clearly telling him how he needs to support you would be great. Not just "stand up for me". Just because you are disengaged from his mother or kids, doesn't mean HE will. They don't have to love you. He can refuse to listen to them say negative things directly about you. However, things like the FB post? I'm not really sure what would be accomplished if he DID say anything. OH.. actually, it will tell the girl that her barb hit its mark. You want that?
Thank you. You made some
Thank you. You made some really good points.
razz - now take a deep
razz - now take a deep breath...... relax.......... take another deep breath.... hold it.... let it go...
Disengagement means, you immediately block the SD's on all your social media, they can't see hat you do and you can't see what they post..... you do not care what they post, and if they complain you blocked them smile and say....
It's my FB I can do what I want....
Disengagement means - DH asking you to pick up his snowflake cause she refuse to use the bus... laugh and say, Hon then she can walk, or wait till you collect her, I'm not her mother and it's not my responsibility, I married you because I love you, not as your driver/nanny/maid, now when can we have some romantic time....(see change the subject)
Disengagement means - ignoring the brats, block them on the phone, they can't even text or call you, oh and that goes for BM and MIL as well... you owe these people nothing.
Remember all the evil that's done to you, but pretend it does not bother you, one off those snowflakes will ask you for something, then you smile and say... ASK YOUR DAD... you do not have to explain to any one why you disengaged, they can figure it out all on their own.
Find yourself some hobbies to do, gardening, cliff hanging, anything that will keep you busy when the brats are visiting, I took up sewing lol.... and I know for a fact, my little princess SD hates the fact that I make nice quilts for every one but her..... if she wants one she can ask her Mother....
(Hell even the dogs got some nice blankets by now)