I totally understand you. My position is the exact same. My DH always says he doesn't need me b/c he did it alone forever. Screw you!!! When he was with his ex he worked non stop and didn't take care of the kids. Then when he was in between baby mamas he barely had them. Now I am expecting my firts and I am terrified I'll miss her childhood because I'll be too busy feeding, bathing, dressing, and caring for HIS KIDS!

I can't stand my SD either and honey, I'd be the first one to tell you how I feel, the only difference is that mine is almost 16. I think it's nearly impossible to love someone else's children, as my therapist told me, "Do you know what happens to offspring in the wild that aren't yours? They get eaten." HaH...and YES I need therapy because of my 2nd marriage and the anti-depressants don't hurt either! I agree with Vickiemac though...your happiness is your own responsibility. Don't give someone else that control because they'll abuse it. Let me tell you, it used to worry the hell out of me when I relied on my husband for my emotional well-being...not any more, he does his thing to make him happy and I do mine and every so often we meet in the middle. It may not be the best relationship and it may not last forever but at least it's not breaking me down.
Oh - and about the kids..on that point I agree with Cruella...let the BM and DH figure it out. I don't lift a finger for my SD. I learned the hard way that my efforts are neither appreciated nor are they worth the expelled energy...she's their kid, let them figure it out.

My honest advice? You are VERY young to be handling so much. Please give yourself a tremendous amount of credit for trying. Let me break down some of your comments that struck me on your post.

"Am I putting too much on him making me happy and should I just work on making myself happy?"

Yes...no one can make you happy. I suspect are looking to your H and your baby to fulfill an empty place. I don't want to put you off by saying a lot of it is your age/experience but it's true. You just never got a chance to really be on your own and discover who you are before taking on all this incredible responsibility.

I must know/please answer, how old is your husband? If he's older than he also knows your too young to handle all of this alone and he should have considered that before bringing his kids into it full time. He should be supporting you. You do have a right to be angry with him. He seems to not consider your feelings and take you for granted.

"The only thing that makes me happy is my daughter. She just lights up my life. I actually miss her when she goes to bed at night."

This is concerning as well. Not the falling in love with your daughter part b/c it's natural to fall in love with your child. I certainly have and my first focus is always her well being...right after MINE...then DH's.

But you must take some time to find something that you can be passionate about rather than putting it all on husband/kids/home. First of all it's not healthy for you to only have that. But it also isn't fair to the child. Think about it...if your happiness rests on her shoulders that's a lot of weight to carry for a little one. And please take it from a child of a woman who hated her life (husband and home) while I was growing up...I felt the burden and when she wasn't happy I blamed myself.

"I have no control over anything."

Please know you do...you just haven't discovered how to tap into it yet. My best advice is seek counseling and start finding out what will make you happy. Not what everyone else needs to do to make you happy.
You are correct in that you don't control the situation or your H/ Skids. But you can control finding happiness in your life. I promise you.

"Why do step-parents pretend to the rest of the world that they are madly in love with their step-kids?"

Believe it or not some of us do love them like their our own. But you really have to find a way to put it in perspective. I don't always LIKE my SD. She is her (crazy) mother's daughter at times. But she is also my daughter. And she is
really trying to find a way to mold some of "me" into her clay.

"Why do I feel guilty that I don't like them?"
Because we are women, mothers, nurturers. Some of us to a fault and we don't like not feeling motherly toward any child. I think your feelings are natural so rather than fight them embrace them and stop feeling guilty. Don't dwell on the negative in your situation because believe it or not it will only magnify if you do. Instead start finding ways to fill yourself up and find some happiness in something outside your home. Join a group, volunteer, get a job. Even if it's a few hours a week to yourself. Do something for you. Whatever it takes. There are even places you can join that have daycare or don't mind if you bring your daughter with you.

Peace, love, and red wine

This statement of yours: "I hate my step-kids. They annoy the shit out of me. Every time we are in the same room I just tense up and wish to God that they didn't live here and I didn't have to take care of them. Why do step-parents pretend to the rest of the world that they are madly in love with their step-kids? Why do I feel guilty that I don't like them?" is very, very harsh.
You're entitled to your feelings, of course, but it sounds as if your resentment toward DH is bleeding over into how you feel about these children. And that's your DH's fault -- for putting you in the position of having to be a full-time mother to his children.
However, they are CHILDREN, no? They didn't ask for this, and you're the adult who should be a caring, if not loving role model for them. I realize we all have to vent sometimes and your post may be indicative of that, but I DO love my stepchildren and I don't have to pretend.
Maybe you have to fake it until you feel it?
Perhaps too you might consider counseling. I'm not big on this, but a counselor can teach you ways to direct your anger, find ways to get the entire family involved in helping around the house (depending on their ages) and help you reclaim YOUR own life and HAPPINESS.
You also are just 21. I'm 40 and believe me, it's so difficult sometimes that I just want to bang my head (or my husband's) against the wall, and I've had a lot more time on this earth than you have. So counseling may be a good option to give you ways to cope with this strange life that it sounds as if you didn't bargain for.
A long talk with DH also is necessary and long overdue.
Good luck and I hope your DH sees the light soon. In the meantime, I would try to schedule "alone time" -- outside of the house -- when DH arrives home, maybe once a week or more. Go to a movie, a coffee shop, whatever. Let him take care of things because at the end of the day, it's a 50-50 proposition. And apparently he's not holding up his end of the bargain.

and If you have to force a relationship with another womans child it can be very uncomfortable. It's okay to be honest about it- that it is an unnatural bond that you are creating with a child that is not yours and it is not abnormal to not have some of the feeling you are having. I used to think I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me for having negative feelings towards my stepdaughters, until I started doing research and found out quite a bit of SM's have feelings similar to yours and to mine.Am I am uncomfortable around my SD's? Yes sometimes, Do they annoy me? Oh Yes. Would I remarry again to someone with kids Oh NO. But that doesn't change the fact that I love my Husband despite the fact we are having problems right now and I do care about his kids-they are only kids after all. You make choices in your life-this was a choice you and I made and one you can change. I really sympathize with you and I hope that things become easier for you because if they don't you have to make the choice to move on. I can't- I love DH too much and it's worth it to me to go through all of this for him. He pisses me off too all the time about his kids, not parenting, ignoring bad behavior, not standing up to BM. I know he loves and I have showed him that I am trying to make this work even though it is tough as hell! And now he is starting to try to see things my way-we are going to start counseling next week- I think I just need to remember they are just kids after all and I am the Adult (and I need to start acting like that) I have made a positive difference in their life in my own way-as I am sure you have in yours. Nobody's family is perfect just read the other posts on here and you will see and there is nothing wrong with the way you feel I think it's somewhat normal, just not all the time. Good Luck you are not alone in this

I am 27 and have three step kids who all live with us, 15, 13 and 8. I couldn't be two of their mom if I WANTED to be! And I don't. My DH expects me to put on this smiley face and walk around like we're one big happy family. I recently quit working b/c we FINALLLY had our baby together, so I get the same bullshit line about "you don't work" and so I have to do EVERYTHING with his fkn kids. I also have a tendency to feel very strong resentment, almost hate, for them, at least two of them. I've tried to explain to DH that I can't handle it and I don't think it's fair that I have to pretend to be this "super mom" to these kids when their moms are pieces of shit and they don't even really see them. I really really really feel you and what you've said I just don't think I've had the courage to say it. When I tell DH I need his help he tells me that it was my decision to have "another" kid...WAIT...I didn't make the decision to have the first three....NONE of them lived with us when we got married so I have NO CLUE what I was getting into and no one can tell me otherwise. And when I say something about going back to work part time he tells me "if you can't handle the stress at home you can't handle the stress with a job to, so no you're not going back to work." Yup, he thinks he can tell me what to do. I've tried to explain to him that if he'd help out more I'd be less stressed out and happier at home and more fun to be around and he pulls this bullshit, "you expect me to work 40 hours a week and do half of the parenting." WHAT!?!?!? You should be doing AT LEAST 3/4 of the parenting since 3/4 of the kids AREN'T MINE!!! He even went so far as to push the 13 and 8 year old to call me mom and it makes me SO FKN MAD!! But I was a stupid newlywed and didn't tell him it bothered me when it started happening and now it's been 2 1/2 years so I can't stop it now. My DH is 8 years older than me and he ALSO says "I was a single dad for three years." UM, you're fkn mom came in EVERY weekend, cleaned your house, did your laundry, made dinners to last for most of the week, took the kids out so you could have some free time and all this other shit so he didn't do anythign alone.
No matter what I say to him to try to make him realize how I feel he doesn't get it and ends up making me feel guilty for feeling like that. He tells me to "get my feelings in check" or that I need to spend some time with God and really get over what I'm feeling.
Sorry, wow, I cant' believe that someone actually feels like I do. My BS is only one month old and we struggled for four years to have him and he's the only thing that makes me happy these days.
I get harrassed from my sister b/c I'm ALWAYS letting the skids go to my in-laws b/c I really can't stand to be around them that much and she thinks I'm being a bad person b/c I'm always sending them to the grandparents. I dont' know how to say to her that she doesn't understand she's not a step mom and that I really just like it being me and DH and now the new baby. I dont' think anyone who's not a step parent can trully now how hard it is and how emotionally and psychologically draining it is on a daily basis. It's like telling someone you understand what they are feeling when they loose a parent or kid when you've never lost either....
ANyway, I'll shut up, sorry this is so long, it just actually feels nice to have someone feel the way I do and not be afraid to say it.
Dawn

I was sick of being my fiancee's babysitter to his kid so I went and got a job so I COULDN'T watch him anymore. I resent the child because he's a spoiled kid who hasn't been taught any manners, or to pick up after himself, or how to share with other children! Plus he doesn't respect me or listen to me when I care for him anyway!I try to get along with him but he obviously doesn't want to get along with me.. And when my fiancee is around I'm invisible and don't exist..And he acts WORSE at his grandparents house cause they treat him like a golden chlld...I hear you and I feel EXACTLY Regina...my daughter is the only person who brings light in my life right now..I have to deal with a psycho ex wife who's slandering me on the internet, and in-laws who think my child is "bad" because she has ADHD and the golden child does no wrong because the poor thing has been through a divorce...there are kids that have gone through worse in this world...I know it's traumatic but slip back into reality...I feel no sympathy for spoiled, babied, over codded kids who think everything should be handed to them...my child gets blamed for everything and gets punished when she misbehaves but the golden child just gets "talked to" I'm so sick of this bullcrap...I am wishing I never would've gotten myself into this...but I love my guy to pieces..he just doesnt have any balls...and he feels sorry for his kid...pffftttt....I don't mean to sound like a bitch but I'm sick of being run through the ringer by his psycho ex and how it's so terrible that he has to find a daycare now that I'm working..I'm not responsible for this kid, I didn't give birth to him and now its like I got a job so I can't "babysit" anymore and it's starting to feel like he wants me to feel guilty about it and change my schedule...I WON'T!!...I figured, screw it...I need some of my sanity...think of yourself for once honey..you deserve it because you deserve to be happy

SixNguns. I know the feeling with the SS being the golden child. Strangely enough thats what I call him to my DH. My BS is 14, although he has no ADHD, but he is a great kid, has great manners is very social and EVERYONE that meets him says what a nice boy he is..proud me..I brought him up alone. Not letting him get away with anything but giving him lots of love.

He doesn't see his dad anymore so I am it.

My Mother is a wonderful lady but unfortunately was blinded by love for my Ex step dad. He came along when I was 11 and my god my teenage years were the worst I can imagine!! He was so hard on me and my mother, no matter how unfair, never stuck up for me and basically I started fending for myself from 11 onwards because he was just the most important thing and I was just a naughty kid because he said so.

My point is I promised myself that no man would ever make me change my relationship with my son and to remember that I was all he had. My DH tries not to, but picks at stupid little things my BS does, just to bring his behaviour down to that of his rude little boy aka The Golden Child. TGC leaves crap everywhere, is rude and anti social, a big sook and and an angry little person who hates rules and disipline and hates me!! But my BS gets in the shit if he hasn't fed the dog by 5.05pm...good god he was supposed to do it by 5pm!! Shock horror, what a naughty boy. Grrr.

It's bullshit, don't ever let your baby get bullied by Dh, in-laws or anyone else. I know first hand they will remember that and carry it with them their whole life. Be your Bio kids safe place to fall because it really hurts when step-families try to put you down just to make their kids look better! I'm sure you already do that but the 'my kid is better than yours thing annoys the shit out of me!!'

I can't stand my step kid either but I never pick on him, I just leave the room. But I really think my DH & his family make SS worse by always spoiling him and treating him better than everyone else!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*