Halloween
Ok, so yes, there are still 4 months until Halloween but this came up with DW and I again this year - not sure how the conversation got started, but it did.
Every year now SD7 has gone trick-or-treating in our neighborhood. Every year her BioDad comes over to our house for the trick or treating (he has always lived in an apartment, we live in a nice neighborhood). He brings his gf (whoever she is this year), and last year and I suspect this year will bring his gf's daughter. Before BS3 was born, I would stay home and hand out the candy at our house. Now every year since he was born I want to go out with him, but I have to freaking share Halloween with my DW's ex and clan. I would not care if it was DW, SD7, Bs3 and I - but I loathe having to share the holiday with BioDad and his moronic GFs.
They have a shared custody order and for the big holidays - Easter, Christmas, Birthdays, they typically share time with SD7. She will be at our house until mid-afternoon and then go to his or vice versa. However for Halloween they absolutely feel the need to both be there.
I've told DW that I do not like this. I want to enjoy a Halloween with MY family and not her ex-husband. DW just gets angry and says "what am I supposed to do?" I've suggested that they rotate years, but she says she wants to see SD7 in her costume trick-or-treating, etc.
I'm lost as to any other solutions. It will end up being a fight if I push it wish DW, but I'm at the point where I feel like telling her I'm going to take BS3 out in a different direction so I do not have to be subjected to BioDad. That will really piss DW off, but I don't really see any other option since they don't want to take yearly turns.
Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?
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All it says is that they
All it says is that they "share" major holidays. It does not indicate how that sharing has to take place. And I'm not sure that "Halloween" is considered a major holiday anyway.
There will be no scene. I would talk to DW and she'd have to deal with BioDad.
That makes it kind of tricky
That makes it kind of tricky cuz at that point its open to interpretation if its considered a major holiday. That's one thing we have learned with our BM is we need to get as specific as possible in their CO so BM isn't reading it differently every year to suit her and screw us. Soooo annoying!
lol...I just had a mental pic
lol...I just had a mental pic of BMs clan and ours going out together....Hell NO! For us Halloween isn't one of the big holidays plus it usually falls during the school week and we live 3 hrs away from BM since she moved. WHo ever has her for it takes her. There were times we ran into BSs Bio (no longer in pic) and we would let the kids hit a few places together then go our own ways. It was really awkward when his gf's son about 2 or so at the time I think walked up to me and tried to take my other hand and called me mommy. I was like ya ummm we will just hit up a diff town from now on.
While BioDad lives close to
While BioDad lives close to us, it is not a walkable distance by any stretch... Thank God for that, too, IMO.
The problem stems from the fact that he lives in an apartment complex... and apparently it isn't a "safe" enough complex to let her do her trick or treating there.
Rhino, I couldn't stand it
Rhino, I couldn't stand it either. I would hope I could get her to like the alternating year plan-maybe add some bells and whistles like first house to trick or treat at is non-Halloween parent's so the pics can be taken (meeting her need to see daughter in costume) then moving on to more appropriate neighborhood. Or small Halloween party at non-H parent's, then drop off at other parent's for trick or treat. I'd come up with a bunch of these ideas for how to meet her need to be part of the festivities every year but also meet your need not to play My Wife Has Two Husbands for the trick or treating.
If none of that works, I would do what you said: take your little boy firmly and swiftly off by yourself. Or...to be evil, invite an old gf to go with you. Give your wife a taste of her own medicine. No, I wouldn't really do that but I might, in a weak moment during discussions, float the idea in order to make a point. Very evil, but in weak moments, a dose of forced empathy some times slips out.
That's the thing though - why
That's the thing though - why do we have to have a special party for SD7 here before we take her there? That just further perpetuates her princess syndrome.
In my opinion we should either let whomever has her that week take her trick or treating, or alternate years.
I'd even like the idea of her starting at one house and being dropped off to the other house... but again BioDad lives in an apartment and he either can't or won't take SD7 trick or treating there.
I feel like if I have a conversation I'd probably use the "what if I brought my ex wife along with her child" line. That wouldn't fly since she's just throw it back in my face that she is SD7's mother so the situations clearly are not the same.
I like the "forced empathy" line though.
By all means, don't do any
By all means, don't do any thing that contributes to Princess Syndrome. I thoroughly mean that.
FWIW, what I envisioned was maybe she gets dressed at Mom's house (on mom's off years), then your two kids have a couple Halloween activities like pin the Broom on the Witch, or put your hand in the Monster Brains and Eyeballs dish (spaghetti and grapes), color some Halloween pics, do a Monster Mash dance with Mom and Dad (maybe GPs, too, whatever). Then dropoff at Dad's for trick or treating. Make it a fun time for the siblings to share. There need be no other guests and certainly no gifts! Yikes!
BTW, bull-freaking-baloney on the apartment complex excuse. That's dad's problem. I live in a neighborhood where most of the trick or treaters come by car from neighborhoods unknown to us. Dad needs to get out the town map, look for some family oriented neighborhoods, and drive there for the big night. IF he's a guy with character he can come back the next day with a trash bag and walk a few blocks picking up trash in order to give back to the neighborhood and not just use it. Or donate to their local park. Whatever. He can think up something.
I do think your own idea is best but your wife is balking. The most important thing is to be a team with her so show her you can be creative in trying to get her needs met. She should soften a bit and try to do the same for you. If none of it works, set your boundary and take little guy by yourself. You want Halloween to be a happy time, not a time you dread and eventually explode over.
Can you split it? My ex and
Can you split it? My ex and I live very close to each other so I usually let him take the first hour and I do the second hour.. not like bios need that much candy all at one house anyway!
We could but we run into the
We could but we run into the issue I discussed above... he lives in an apartment, we live in a gated community. For some reason apartment complex is not conducive to trick or treating for the little princess.
gotcha! Hmmm, where I live
gotcha! Hmmm, where I live there are a lot of festivals and stuff, he can't take her a different night? His parents or siblings don't live in a neighborhood? He doesn't have any friends? There has to be a solution to this, weather or not it's a hill to die on is the issue I suppose.
Whoever has SS usually takes
Whoever has SS usually takes him though I think he's just a bit old for Halloween now. He's 12 but the size of an adult. We did halloween 1 time with BM. She invited us and we came. I don't know if she thought we'd say no or what. But she was seriously uncomfortable. We've invited her but she never comes. I don't care. I just focus on having fun with my kid.
I wish I could just focus on
I wish I could just focus on having fun with my kid, but whenever SD7 is around everything has to be about her all of the time.
Last year she pushed BS3 (2 at the time) out of the way so she could get to the door first. We also caught her stealing candy out of his bag (even though it was stuff he couldn't eat, it was still stealing). IT is 100 times worse when her BioDad is around - even DW has noticed that.
I just don't know how to bring this up with DW again... and to have a discussion in which she will see my point and make the decision to change.
UGH We don't have that issue.
UGH We don't have that issue. SS is protective of DS...I just don't think this holiday is such a big deal and it's our anniversary. DH doesn't doesn't have a problem if SS goes with BM. We just take our son and have a good time. I honestly think you should just take your son and go to a different neighborhood or maybe even going with a few of your friends and their kids. It might be fun.
Ewww. Though they are full
Ewww. Though they are full siblings, my SD14 is that way with SS12. After both my DH and I went actually brain dead during our endless discussions about it, I finally got mad enough that I told SD14 that one of MY boundaries was that she treat her brother with respect and if she didn't want ME making her miserable then she would learn to live on the right side of that boundary. It worked.
Yours is undoubtedly too young to have that discussion with but you can get the same message across by simply protecting your son each time while giving the Princess instructions on the alternative way to behave. Every time. Dont let this behavior get to be an entrenched habit. I would make it a priority. I did, actually.
Is there a grandma or an aunt
Is there a grandma or an aunt on your side that would enjoy taking BS trick or treating? If so, just make plans with them for you and BS and have DW get what she wants - to spend Halloween with SD along with Bio dad and his flavor of the month. She shouldn't have a problem since a) that's how it's always been and b) there's absolutely nothing wrong with your BS spending Halloween with your side of the family, instead of being subjected to his sister's dad and gf, who are not related and have no obligation to spend holidays together.
Unfortunately, no. Everyone
Unfortunately, no. Everyone on my side of the family lives on the other side of the country from me. DW has a brother/SIL who lives in our state but is an hour or so away and while I like they... that would be very akwward.
Hmm.. That's tough. If it
Hmm.. That's tough. If it were me, I'd be stubborn and just take BS myself. The message still stands: BS and I have no obligation to be a part of this.
Sometimes compromise is one
Sometimes compromise is one party getting 100% their way and the other party getting 0%. With the 0% party having faith their needs will be met in a different situation someday to keep "compromising" alive.
You should not have to hang with biodad on Halloween night if you would rather not. I think it's disrespectful of your DW insisting you do that. In my mind, the best compromise is allowing SD7 an every other year schedule with each parent. The only one who seems opposed to that is your DW. I say to her: Tough shit! Put on your big girl panties and deal with it! You're gonna miss stuff when you divorce a bio parent! That is life! Even years SD7 goes with Dad, odd years she goes with BM.
I would take BS3 trick or treating myself this year, separate from biodad and SD7. Let DW make up her own mind. She's with you or she's not.
Your DW doesn't actually want
Your DW doesn't actually want you to offer solutions. Her "what do you want me to do?" was rhetorical, and what she meant was "I don't see any compelling reason to change what we've always done." Clearly there ARE alternatives - you've come up with some - but she doesn't really, on a gut level, understand WHY you're asking her to change things at this late date. (You've done this for years, from what I can see.)
So. What you actually need to do is NOT give her other workable solutions, but to make her emotionally understand where you're coming from. You said you told her you don't like it, but did you tell her WHY? (I so hope you're someone who can actually articulate how you feel! Otherwise this is gonna be tough.) "I don't like sharing Halloween with your ex because it makes me feel...(fill in the blank)". "I'm hurt you're dismissing my concerns because it feels like you value your 'first family' over me." If she again says, "What do you want me to do?" just tell her, "I want you to make me feel like I'm important to you too."
On some level, it's guilt tripping. But on another level it's being straight up honest with her about how you feel - and she needs to know that. Not just that you "don't like it", but what you actually feel when you're in the situation.
Ok...tell DW that you are
Ok...tell DW that you are just really uncomfortable hanging out as a family with her ex. They need to come up with an "every other year" plan.
How about this..First year, BM dresses the kid at your house. BF comes over and take a few pictures and then goes home and then you and your wife take kids trick or treating.
Second year... BM dresses kid at your house, takes a few picture and then ex comes and takes kid trick or treating. Separately you and your wife take your child trick or treating.
This is absurd. So if your wife has her way....the next several years, your DD gets to go trick or treating with your DW's ex...? Hell No.
We actually have it in our CO
We actually have it in our CO that Halloween rotates. Don't know how it is going to work since SS is getting a little old for trick-or-treating. That said, your suggestion to rotate Halloween is not unreasonable.
That being said, there is always the option of throwing a Halloween "costume ball" for the kiddies. We might actually do that this year for my BS.
I think if you guys have
I think if you guys have agreed to do this every year or at least even if you didnt agree you did by submission in going along with it, then it should not be changed.
Look I have swallowed more blood from biting my tongue with my ex husband and my DH es. It sucks, hugely but by going along with it for years you have set up that expectation for SD to expect that. When someone changes that is when someone is stupid enough to say, well sorry honey we cant do that anymore because Mommy and your Stepdad dont want to. And then wham the child is stuck right in the middle.
I wouldnt die on this hill, it is one day.
'eff that! Last year FDH and
'eff that! Last year FDH and I ran into BM and SD. Thankfully it started raining heavily almost immediately. lol He waved and we ran. That was bad enough.
I would rotate the holiday.
I would rotate the holiday. The year DW has her, the ex can spend and hour to see her and take pics. Then DW takes her trick or treating in your neighborhood. The following year it switches.