Figure out the financial things first if possible bc once they get pissy and passive aggressive then you gotta hire heavy muscle (lawyers etc) to make them act right. 
 

If you feel compelled to tell him, wait until the absolute last minute so he has no time to retaliate. 
 

I agree with you, once they refuse to do counseling that's usually a signal that they're not concerned about at least trying to make positive change and they're cool with maintaining the status quo (no matter how dysfunctional and no matter if it ends the relationship)

Lillywy00 recently left a bad situation.

If you're not married, that can be easier. Get your financials in order. Consult an attorney. Google the Grey Rock Method. Make yourself uninteresting to him.

If you're concerned about your safety and the situation escalating, tell someone. Set up a new email. Get a burner phone. Find a new place to live. Discreetly pack. Have someone there when you tell him and definitely have people there to help you move. If you feel unsafe at any time, call 911.

I scheduled counseling more times than I can count when I was going through it with my OSS21. I asked my husband to come with me but he said I should go by myself to begin with and I did. Eventually he refused to come altogether and made many excuses for subsequent other counselors. He even used this during arguments to tell me I was the crazy one and I was the one going to counseling so I am the problem and him and his son were not needing any help or improvement. Eventually, I stopped all efforts on my end. Afterwards, my husband asked multiple times to go to counseling and i told him no or make his own appt. They use counseling against you in the end if you are the one suggesting it.

Nothing will change for you so either accept the status quo or walk away or find a benefit in all of this. Your situation wont change unless the main protagonists (husband, step, ex) make a change positively for you and want to do so. Most dont but sometimes it happens....on this board, a few have had their spouses open their eyes and do a full circle change but again....only a few....

Take your time to decide what is best for you and your finances and your future/old age

Don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer. Find out exactly where you stand. Consider therapy for yourself to help you sort out your feelings.

I just left a 4.5 year relationship.

My XBF and I had a rough year in 2023. You can read my posts to see what was going on for me and my family. He lost his mom in late July and she died within hours of us having a conflict. I am sure the two events are now linked for him and that caused him to act out towards me a week later - just words, no danger. He told me he couldn't be with someone as awful as me. M'kay, so I agreed that we should split. Within hours of me agreeing we should end it, he asked to put it "on ice." In other words, delay us breaking up at that time. I agreed to it because he was dealing with a lot, but I said that the only way we'd likely be able to make it is with counseling.

FFWD after his mom's memorial service in September. He was still harboring some anger for the conflict we had before his mom died and I had time to think about his lack of commitment and mixed messages about our future, I set some boundaries that I honestly thought he would never go for: attend therapy to improve communication and conflict resolution AND that if marriage wasn't on the table, we should end the relationship because I'd had enough of him being wishy washy on commitment. He said he was against marriage and he'd tried therapy once and it didn't work. M'kay, so I broke it off with him.

A few days later he reaches out to me and says he can't sleep, eat, breathe and is willing to seek counseling for himself and go to couple's counseling. M'kay, so I feel like I will give him a chance if he really wants to try it because I NEVER thought he'd agree to it.

After weeks of searching, he can't find a therapist, but I find us a couple's therapist. She recommends a 1:1 counselor for the XBF. He goes to one session and had all these reasons the guy was terrible (of course) and he stops going.

We attended 5 therapy sessions with the couple's counselor. He's charming and it goes well until things get more intense. Our last session was emotional and quite raw - during the session we both said we wanted to break up. The therapist calmed us down and as our time had run out, suggested he and I talk after the session. I said I didn't feel safe doing that. She asked if I felt I was in danger. I said, "Absolutely not! I'm only talking about emotionally safe. I have no concerns for my physical safety."

So, we talked and it actually helped a lot, but after the XBF had some time to think he decided that going to therapy with me was a risk for him because I could say, "I don't feel safe" and he could be reported for domestic violence. I told him I could see his concern but the misunderstanding was addressed immediately and he was never in danger. He disagreed and said he wouldn't do counseling again. M'kay.

By then I knew I had to be done with him - that we had no future. So, I hired a moving van and moved all of my stuff out of his house last Thursday and I ended our relationship on the spot.

It stings that he's out on dating sites immediately, but that's just a sign of his weakness as a person. He takes no time for self reflection or to make sure he's in a good headspace for a new person.

The point of my post is that detaching and exiting a relationship can take many months. It is sometimes a series of fits and starts.

When he told me he couldn't be with someone like me back in July, I immediately started protecting myself financially. I gradually started moving my things to my house. I canceled the Comcast service that was in my name. I forwarded my mail to my house. I had already removed my stuff from the master bedroom and started packing my other things. I stopped when he said he wanted to put things on ice and then when he said he wanted to do counseling, but I never unpacked my things and I never moved my stuff back into the master bedroom.

I don't know your situation. Is there any fear of him being spiteful with your things or your finances? If so, I recommend you move anything of sentimental value out of the house and start gathering any financial documents you can. Maybe even separate finances and speak to an attorney about how to best start disentangling your lives.

My 2nd marriage was a disaster (the guy before my XBF) and my ex was volatile, spiteful, angry and scary. After I made the decision to leave him, I moved into the guest bedroom and started the process of buying my own house. I told him I was buying my own house and leaving the house we owned, but he didn't REALLY believe me until I had taken the day off work and hired PODS and movers to take all of my stuff out of his house while he was at work. He went ballistic that night and went through the house piling up anything I had brought into it. Thankfully, it was only 2 weeks later that I settled on my own house and moved out. He had gone to therapy with me, too - 2 separate counselors. He's definitely a covert narcissist and they are nearly impossible to treat, so counseling went nowhere.

Please take steps to plan a way out and understand it may take some time and planning.

Take it all, clean out the house, and leave.  Have your attorney deal with divisition of whatever financial considerations remain.

Leave while he is away on a Baseball tournament trip. 

You do not owe him a face to face or prior notice that you are done and leaving.  He has not earned it.  He worships his failed family progeny and can't make an effective break from his X.  That... is on him and the failure of this relationship is on him.

Take care of you.

I know it hurts. (((HUGS))) 

You are making a wise decision for YOU and that is what matters. Hang in there. 

No, it isn't easy.

However, regurgitating the same steps while hoping for some major epiphany and change is aligned with the unofficial definition of insanity. Doing the same things repeatedly while expecting a different result.

You have made a diligent effort, He isn't.

End of story. Never repeat these mistakes again in you own life.  

Get on with your best life. Living well is what we owe ourselves.

So... get out of your own head, stop embracing guilt, and get on with the commitment of a new life adventure for yourself.

Get on with it and leave this shit show behind.