Sigi - you are not alone. There are many of us on here with similar situations. It's "never their fault" and "poor thing - it's because of the divorce" - the divorce in our case was 9 years ago!!!!

My SS16 treats everyone like crap, lies, manipulates, steals, and just got charged with felony for using and selling pot on school grounds - wasn't his fault though. He's depressed, he's had a hard time since the divorce. He, his BM, and attorney all lied in court and it was pleaded down to a misdemeanor. Everyone wanted to go out and celebrate afterwards - are you f-ing kidding me?? He has not had anything taken away from him as punishment and was just showered with very extravagant gifst for Xmas - my DH guilty of buying a $300 IPOD for him. MIL spent $550 on new snowboard bindings and season lift passes. WTF??

The whole family feels sorry for him and his situation. Everything he does is funny and cute - same thing. We were out to dinner and he was eating pizza, not chewing the food - swallowing it whole so he could have more than everyone else (even said so, when I went to get a slice - he cut his hand in front of me and took the piece I was trying to get). Cheese hanging from his face, sauce all over his shirt and the table - quite disgusting - smacking when he chewed and my MIL just sat there giggling. Of course, I asked him about his manners and everyone glared at me. DH and everyone else think I just pick on him and don't like him.

I've had to start disengaging, as best I can, otherwise - DH and I are always arguing about it. It's a very difficult situation for all of us Steps out there. It's also a difficult situation to change.

I'm going to take the position exactly the opposite of StepAside who posted above this.

Stay out of it. You are under no moral obligation to protect your wife from this young man. She has made it clear that she doesn't want your protection, indeed, doesn't need it. She hasn't used those words exactly but instead she is blaming it on his size. Yet he hasn't threatened her physically.

What do you care if he acts like a jerk? You're not going to get any credit or blame for how he turns out. Put yourself above all of this. Watch with amusement while this kid digs himself in to where society finally kicks him in the back side. Along the way his mother will probably get sick and tired of it and wash her hands.

If this was some drunk insulting your wife in a saloon you might do some good but this is her kid. I assure you that no matter how long you beat your head against this brick wall at the end not one chink will be found in it. Once you change YOUR attitude you will find your life incredibly easier.

I have to disagree with "stepping aside"...we shouldn't "parent" our steps because of the credit we will or will not get for how they turn out. We should help raise good people because it is the moral thing to do...or, at the very least, because we care about our significant others who WILL be forever affected by their children's behavior. Good for you for taking offense to this boy's mistreatment of his mother! It shows you care for her...and even for the little jerk. Sounds to me like he is craving discipline. Kids learn their self-worth through boundaries. He needs someone to show him they care enough to call him out on his behavior. Have at it, step-dad! Good luck!

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

this is very helpful

If that doesn't work then kick the crap out of him and see if that doesn't straighten his wagon out,that's what I'm about to do!

I can definitely relate to this situation. My stepson is now 17 going on 10. Mommy definitely puts up every excuse to whatever he does. Socks all over the house, food and garbage in the room, anything that is used (such as exercise equipment) never put back, doors in the house left unlocked or wide open, picking on little sister and condescending to everyone, doesn't do any chores when asked except by mom and even then never to completion after 15 minutes. It causes lots of arguments between me and wife. She's at the point of kicking me out in favor of the premadonna. I'd love to kick the crap out of him, but of course, it's always the stepdad's fault. My reactions or responses are never warranted. I am responsible for everything that happens in the house but have no authority. The biodad never holds son accountable for anything, never talks to him about failing grades, homework, spending all day and night on the computer, etc. He's disneyland dad. When stepson is not around, my wife and I get along great. People tell me it's not at an issue in a year's time when he moves out and goes to college.... what college? He's FAILING in high school. My fear is he'll never move out because he's not off mom's tit yet. What to do?

I was a stepmother in my 30's to a daughter and a son. They both had very permissive parents and ran the household. They would come home and bring a dark cloud with them. I had a child by my first husband and it became intolerable to live with these two. I always went out of my way to do everything for them in a normal way and they knew I was the competent parent yet strict. it is now leave to think that a step parent should sit idly by in an unpleasant unhealthy home and just wait for the other parent to handle things. I wouldn't even do that with my own nephews...if they are misbehaving I'll correct them. people are saying that the stepfather shouldn't get involved because it's not his problem-well I'm here to tell you it is everybody's problem and its not fair for him to have to live that way. trust me this isn't just about the mother-those behaviors go across the board and become frustrating when they're not doing their laundry, leaving doors unlocked, being rude to you and just overall bringing darkness to a home. ultimately my ex husband not being able to handle his own children sent me packing. My step son came home one night in rage because I told him he was grounded, and taking drugs, and he took a knife and lifted it towards me. This is not the type of family I've raised or ever been a part of. Believe me I raised this boy since he was 6 and he was 18 when I finally left. It was years and years of discomfort, biting my tongue, disciplining, feeding them, doing their laundry, listening to them, crying, laughing, etc. I'm so tired of people saying that a step parents role is not to discipline. Why is it that its my position to do everything else in the family the worst things the best things yet I can't stand up for my own family and my own home life? these children now both admit I am the best thing that ever happened to them, but I simply do not have a relationship with them anymore.

I now find myself in a very similar situation again. I'm with a man who has a 15 year old son and a 7 year old son. He has never had a great relationship with his son and is working to try and improve it. His ex wife cause a lot of alienation between them. However hid kids, and my 14 year old all live together now. This young man is starting to bring a very similar darkness to the home. He even makes his own father uncomfortable. I see all the writing on the wall for another disaster as a result of a stepson. He's very dark, intimidating, and isn't even nice to my son.to sit here and read these responses about how it's nobody's business and the parent should handle it is simply ludicrous. If you are a blended family, and you're the parents you have to have the ability to discipline as well as love or there's no chance for your family. I have lots of old wounds that I'm having a hard time healing. I wish somebody had told me to just be myself and handle my step kids away I would handle my own son or any kids. My husband has a problem when I bring up things about his son, but I'm the one that's here with him most of the time. And he doesn't realize that I handle all the things with my son directly so it isn't that I think my son is perfect.though I do know when my son walks in the room he has a smile on his face, he's a kind boy, he's communicative and yes he's a teenager so he's not always sunny. my stepson can't even wake him self up in the morning so my husband has to get him up everyday. This is a kid who has no problem using every function on his cell phone yet seems to have a problem with the alarm function. anyway my point is if you're going to live in a blended family, by choice, you have to be able to be yourself and handle your family as you would a normal family. There's never anything normal about a blended family it is a humongous challenge one that on fortunately I've had my entire married life. Sometimes I wish it was easier, but often times that's life. if you don't want somebody other than yourself to discipline your child, and don't get married. Marriage is a team, it's an effort, its joyous, but you don't put limits on it in regard to one piece of it or the entire puzzle will not work. I know this was an old post, and mine is a recent reply, but like me if other step parents come into this site, perhaps my advice will help. Don't lose control, and fear your step children, you need to be the parent and the grown up in your home if you aren't try and redefine your relationship- people do it all the time

Enlist the police to help you manage your idiot SS and your permissive wife. When SS drinks, call 911. He is a minor after all. If he refuses to work over the summer don't give him a key to the house. He can leave when you leave for work and he can come in the house when you get home.

Put up web cams in the house and if he goes in while you are at work... call the police.

Your DW needs clarity. If she does not like how you discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have too but either she disciplines or you do. There are no get out of jail free cards when it comes to discipline of kids. Either everyone suffers or they suffer but someone is going to suffer. Targeting the suffering at the one with the idiot of behavior makes the most sense.

I had to give my DW this same message when SS was ~12-14. She finally gained clarity and stepped up. SS got the message and for the most part kept his Cranio-Rectitis under control after that.

Good luck.