Staying after two years?
I am in tears. If you remember any of my posts SS has been disrespectful to my SO for years. He hasn't stayed at our house for over two. I don't know this child well and it is like he is a stranger. BM finally started to get on him for his horrible attitude. My SO comes to me last night saying SS asked to stay over this weekend and he said he could. I don't want this to happen.
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So you put the entire
So you put the entire responsibility for the kid onto your DuH. He's the one who said he could stay, so he deals with him. Also make sure he understands that his son will follow house rules - not leaving stuff lying about, no food in rooms, putting dishes into the dishwasher, etc. the kind of stuff that any guest would be expected to do.
Besides that, make sure the WiFi cuts out at 10pm and that you are vacuuming at 7-8am. Set a curfew because you don't want him wandering in and out at all hours, bringing people home. Your home is not a flop house. You don't want him thinking life is cushier in your home. Be creative!
I think you need to do a bit
I think you need to do a bit of disengaging here. Your DH can handle his kid... and you can find yourself busy with your own plans.
I think one of the things you have complained about is that all they do is want rides and money.. but never want to stay or spend time.. well.. now he is going to spend time at dad's.. so I would make sure the full weight of the visit falls on your DH.
I didn't want him to stay
I didn't want him to stay under the circumstances. SS wants to run from mommy being mean. Also it could be because SS is up to something. We overheard that he was wasted at a party. BM may be getting on him and paying more attention to what he is doing. A friend said that he could be using our place as where is going and back out last minute and be somewhere else he isn't allowed to be. Or just have SO take him. Knowing that SO will do anything to win him back. And SO is refusing to check with BM Because he wants to see SS.
So, you are concerned he
So, you are concerned he might not come.. but not tell his mom. and go elsewhere? That's a pretty simple communication with his EX. "Hey... sorry Son changed his mind... hope everything is ok" then when she says.. "he isn't here either".. then the parents can deal with it.
I get that your DH wants to see his son... but I do think he needs to be in communication with BM more about his kid.. if there are issues with underage drinking etc.. I know you hate when he talks with her.. but he is the kid's father and deserves to understand that.. that is part of coparenting.
I don't know that you will be able to prevent the visit.. so you will need to figure out how to get through it.. making your SO responsible.
I actually told him he needs
I actually told him he needs to reach out to BM at this point. But he says he won't because he wants his son to stay over. He said he is leaving it be because if he asks questions BM won't let SS stay. Everything is always so screwy.
Your SO sounds like he
Your SO sounds like he operates out of fear. Reactive not proactive. He will answer BM or the skids but won't initiate conversations, even when they are warranted. I understand your frustration. You don't trust your DH to act in a reasonable manner when it comes to the skids. I think you should think about what your hills to die on will be. Don't let SS hog common spaces like the living room. Insist on being respected. And DH spends time with SS and doesn't leave and have you and SS in the house together alone unless it's urgent, short, or both. DH insists he clean up after himself or DH cleans up after him. You know, all the things a parent should be doing anyway.
I think we often have to
I think we often have to figure out where the line is... where we have a "right" to have input on partner's parenting... or at least when we may have to accept our partner's decisions on how to parent.. even if it might not be how WE handle or would handle things.
RR absolutely has a right to insist that SS be respectful in and of their home. She can insist that the SS not be dumped on her etc.. these are things that impact HER...specifically (not just being upset that she thinks her SS is pulling a fast one on his mom and dad).
Where she probably needs to defer to her DH is on whether he pushes in to the "reason" why her SS wants to come.. and the issues surrounding that she doesn't feel SS is genuine or is gaming them.. or trying to avoid conflict with mom. Shoot.. sometimes teens can have some benefit to get out of the dynamic of conflict with a parentl.. and perhaps a weekend with dad will shift some perspective or change a dynamic with his mom.
As long as her SS is not a danger to her or their home... then her DH should have a right to have his son over.. whether he is doing it because he needs a break from mom.. just because she doesn't think it's the "right" parenting decision.... he isn't her son.. and there is a point where her DH gets to make the call.
She can insist that her dh not be a jerk to her.. and call him on it. "hey.. just because your routine is upset by having your kid over... don't take it out on me:"
She can insist he parent his kid in her home.. not allow him to be a jerk.. or cause damage. he can and should be tasked with doing that.
Honestly.. maybe it would be a great time to go visit a friend.. take a weekend at a spa.. to give them time to "bond"
Maybe upsetting DH's routine
Maybe upsetting DH's routine will help him see things realistically. In that his kids are people, not prizes to be fought over by him and his ex. Maybe, anyway. It won't help him become a better DH. An OCD guy who yells at his partner instead of having conversations...well, there may be a reason he was on the market besides "BM is a crazy narcissist."
But you need to set up house rules
With your SO now!!! Making sure DH knows he's responsible for SS . That SS doesn't create a flop house. DH will not allowed SS to stay with you . If DH goes somewhere ...SS goes with him, or he doesn't go. Bed time, what time SS goes to his room, SS gets up at a normal time. I,e, if SS stays up all night playing games. That's ok, but he still gets up at a normal timee33
SO won't discuss it with me.
SO won't discuss it with me. He is mad that I am not happy about him staying. He is just yelling at me telling me I am a horrible person.
So, don't discuss it. Just
So, don't discuss it. Just tell him that as he said yes, all the associated time amd effort will be on him. You are NOT available for transportation, cooking extra (different) meals, doing any laundry he wants done, etc. If he wants any of that, it's his dad's job. You are not his parent.
It isn't because of doing
It isn't because of doing "extra" for SS . I wouldn't lift a finger . It is that these are not the right circumstances. I have now told SO that SS should just come and spend time with him and then back to sleep at his moms. Having him stay over after two years is too much for me to handle, emotionally.
I get it, really, I do. I've
I get it, really, I do. I've followed all of your posts and do not know how you can stand to be in this situation. I hate that your husband spends so much time running after kids who have no regard for him. Frankly, he should have refused to let his son spend the weekend because it's so damn obvious he just wants away from his mother and thinks his father is a soft touch.
My heart is with you but, beyond making him uncomfortable so he won'tsee your home as a getaway from his mother, I have no useful advice. I am very sorry.
I would be turning cartwheels
Put yourself in DH's shoes. His son, who hasn't stayed in 2 years, has asked to stay for two nights. If that was my son the anwer would be yes and my DH would support me because he knows that kids are important to their parents! Not more important than a spouse, but still important. If there was any chance that the child had decided to thaw the ice a bit I would understand taking the risk.
That doesn't mean getting played. If kiddo decides not to show up last minute, he needs to let BM know. He should not be the convenient patsy to a teenager's game. If kiddo does show up he doesn't get to be rude, loud, obnoxious or dangerous. This should be a nonchalant visit. Polite small talk, simple foods, perhaps a favourite snack or favourite movie. Something where Dad and son spend some time together without having to interact too much. It breaks that dynamic of "Dad is evil" when they have a simple, non-spoiled visit.
I had a child estranged for a period of time. A simple visit turned into a short stay next time and a renewed relationship that both DH and I treasure. Teenagers get in their own heads or can be manipulated by others. If they're reaching out, I think it's our jobs as parent to grab the hand. Keep the rules, don't turn into a grovelling disney parent, but move at least half way to them. (I haven't read your history, if there's violence then perhaps not the best advice, but otherwise I'd say keep your guard and your hopes up).
I get he would like to
I get he would like to rebuild. But BM has been trying to correct his attitude and I think the compromise is just visiting for the evening. Me and SO have had a routine now for over two years. My SO is very OCD and if SS does something that interferes with SO routine it will be taken out on me because he won't say anything to SS. My relationship is so complicated and out of control.
You have bigger problems than
You have bigger problems than your SS.. this has nothing to do with his kid.. this has everything to do with the fact that your DH and you are not able to communicate.. to have a reasonable and calm discussion.
IMHO.. the son should come and stay... I think it's wrong to ask that not to happen. I don't think just an "evening" is necessarily reasonable.. that will upset his Ocd schedule anyway.. so let the kid come... stay out of the line of fire.. let your DH "enjoy" his kid.. If it was your child.. and you were getting a small bit of positive interest.. you would want him to come.
If you are not emotionally able to deal with your husband's outbursts.. then you may need to leave.. him.. the relationship.. it should never be this high stakes.
No prior request, the answer is no. Make sure DH has clarity.
He and SS can stay away from the home to to top off the message.
Lather, rinse, repeat for any repeats.
No need to mandate that the SKId never visits. Just put strict boundaries about how any non COd visits occur.
I even said that he can come
I even said that he can come and visit in the house for the evening and go back home to sleep. Not even to take it outside of the home. It has been too long for him to just sleep there again. I think he needs to prove that he will respect SO and I think SO needs to see if he himself is comfortable enough to let SS stay. But again I really don't have a SS problem I have a huge SO problem. He is treating me horribly but yet I stay and take it.
Hon, you have identified your real problem, and it is not SS.
Hon, you have identified your real problem, and it is not SS. DH is not handling this whole situation well, and is blaming it all on you. Maybe you should leave for the weekend, or the week, and give him a taste of what life without you would be like. You deserve so much better.
Agree with the above post.
Agree with the above post.
Also, the OP's SO really needs treatment for his OCD. It's obviously affecting everything in his life and he's taking everything out on OP.
My adult son was diagnosed with quite severe anxiety and OCD when he was young. With medication and equally as important, psychotherapy, he is able to live a fulfilling life, is successful with interpersonal relationships and just a joy to be around.
If RR partner is unwilling to seek help to change, I can't see a future in their relationship.
We had went to therapy a few
We had went to therapy a few times. Separately and together. We got a little bit out of it but he wouldn't continue because he said he was getting blamed for all of our issues.
How bad is his OCD? Has he
How bad is his OCD? Has he actually been diagnosed? Is he medicated?
He finally admitted to me a
He finally admitted to me a few months ago that he knows he is OCD and try's to stop it but he can't. I told him he needs to actually see a doctor about it and he won't because he doesn't want labeled. He has to do his morning and evening routines exactly the same way and at the same time (unless we are not home) He has to get in his steps everyday , even if it interferes with something. He has to do his cleaning in the exact same order all of the time. He runs the vacuum by the cat litter everyday (which , yes it needs it) but has to do it even if we are ready to eat becuse he has to get it done it can't wait for a minute. Bed must be made as soon as we are out of it. If we go away or when he comes back from out of town he has to immediately unpack. Same for groceries- not that groceries can sit but we will have stopped for food to eat and I will say let's put away the frozen stuff quickly so we can eat hot food he won't. It all has to be put away. He only mows the grass one way, same with snow removal. If he gets a text from anyone he has to look at it and answer it immediately. This has caused him to make some bad decisions because he doesn't think first. And he is never wrong. I could go on but I think you get the picture. Lol
This is just ridiculous
He knows he has a condition, he knows it spoils a lot of things in his life, he knows he needs help to cope with it but he won't seek that help because he's scared of a LABEL?! Sticking his head in the sand won't make it go away whereas putting on his big boy panties and consulting a doctor could improve life for him and everyone around him. He's already seen that he cannot change his condition single-handedly.
Oh yes. The avoidance of labels is sadly to the detriment
of legitimately syndromed people. Those who are just searching for the syndrome of the moment want the label so they have an excuses. Though there certainly are those who are legitimately under treatment.
My kid is an Dx'd ADHD patient. He was Dx'd as an adult in his late 20s. I was advising to avoid the Dx. I was wrong. He is in therapy and medicated which have both made huge improvements in his life.
If I/we had known when he was a kid, I/we would done anything and everything to get him help. My dad brought it up when he was about 8yo. We asked his pediatrician who laughed and told us there was no way he had ADHD. In hindsight there may have been some indicators. Game obsession, procrastination in doing work, screen zombie syndrome making him nearly comatose any time he was within sight of a screen. Not sure if any of this was actually ADHD at that time but I do have some guilt if he had it and we did not see it and get him help.
We made decisions with the information we had at the time. Even knowing that I do have some issues with possibly missing a chance to help him when he was a kid. He was always well behaved but a quick Shmoogle search there are some things that are a maybe.
Inattention: Maybe. Difficulty paying attention or sustaining focus - Probably not. Easily distracted by external stimuli, - Not generally but screens shut off his brain unless he he had a game controller in his hands. Forgetfulness or losing things frequently - No, Trouble following instructions or completing tasks - Only if the instructions were multiple step instructions. So we went with the one instruction and verify completion then the next, and so on, and so on...
Hyperactivity: Excessive movement or fidgeting, - No Difficulty sitting still or staying quiet - No Talking excessively or interrupting others- No, Impulsive actions without considering consequences-No.
Impulsivity:
Acting without thinking or before considering risks -No
Difficulty waiting their turn or following rules -No Except when it came to knowing that to fail a school year he had to fail the same 3 classes two 6wk grading periods in a role. So, straight A's the first 6wks and F's the second 6wks. He knew the criteria and he performed within it to be able to do what he wanted rather than what he should have been doing. It was not until we sent him to Military boarding school that he did the work full time. At least until the SpermIdiot hacked the school fire wall and they would stay up all night playing WoW so SS was a zombie in class and he finally did fail enough to not graduate on time. So we yanked him out of military school, put him in our local HS where he knew no one, kept our collective foot up his ass and scared the ever loving shit out of him to graduate on time. Which he did with honors though literally by the skin of his teeth.
Blurting out answers or interrupting conversations - No
Difficulty controlling emotions or expressing them appropriately -No
As a kid his doctor said that there was no way he had ADHD. I am proud of him that he has advocated for himself as an adult and taken the steps to figure it out with his medical team.
I hope that yours will get the help he needs. Label of not.
Take care of you.
Let us know how it goes
Let us know how it goes adding SS to his rigid routines. If you were evil you could make it a point to be out of the house (after sprinkling cat litter in some strange places) when he's home with SS and think of a reason you just HAVE to text him multiple times during his usual morning or evening ritual times. No sense making it easy for him. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings. IF you were evil, that is...
Unfortunately I am slightly
Unfortunately I am slightly evil and did a couple of things to make it harder.
Haha there's a good reason he
Haha there's a good reason he's being "blamed for all your issues".
It's because he IS at fault.
Yep but yet he blames me. And
Yep but yet he blames me. And it wasn't to be a blame from the therapist, just what he should see needs to be corrected for our relationship but more importantly she was pointing it out for HIS mental health. She told him that he needed to see someone else because it was beyond her expertise. So yep he has big issues.
Sounds like you had a solid therapist.
Hopefully DH takes her advice and sees a specialist in his condition to do the work to get it resolved.
He refuses. Even thought he
He refuses. Even thought he admitted to me the he has OCD (of course it hasn't been actually diagnosed)and isn't able to control it no matter how hard he tries he won't do anything medically about it. He doesn't like anyone to tell him he has a problem or is wrong. He says he is fine with how his life is.
That should have given him
That should have given him food for thought ...
DH has OCD ?
Your main problem is your DH. NUMBER 1. In a marrrage and/or good friendship. Things have to be discussed, one person can not just decide for everyone. 2. DH is still being controlled by BM. It's a common thing where BM controls everything until it backfires on them. Then shipping kids off to the other parent.
i get what you are saying. DH can't grasp, his kids disrespect you and your family then wanting to stay over. And of course,you are to blame. DH needs to find help. He must understand his part in all of this. SS just can't disrespect you for years. Then to think all is forgiven.
'It's your home, also. DH can rent a room at motel 6 and him and SS can look at each other,