BM back after 3 years
New here and only person I know dealing with a petty co-parent so I apologize if this is a little long. My fiancé has a 4 year old son who I have helped raise since he got custody at a year old.
BM and her mother withheld visits between my SS and fiancé from 2 months to 15 months old. BM abandoned him at a friends house after taking him couch surfing for 4 months. She was addicted to a few drugs. The friend called my fiancé and I and we immediately went to get him. At this time the BM told her mother to go for emergency custody to get my SS (don't know why grandmother didn't go when BM took child from him while addicted.) They lost that but fiancé did agree to partial physical and shared legal with grandmother and only legal with BM until rehab was completed.
Well after 3 years of zero interest the BM comes back. Her mother hated her until she had a second child (my SS brother). Now they scheme to make my fiancé's life strict and by association mine.
BM mother loved me and was even calling me mom to SS and BM by her name in the presence of SS well now they correct him if he accidentally calls me mom infront of them. I was the only mom he knew and BM was a stranger. He didn't remember her. It's so confusing for him. However, we have made it clear that I did not give birth to him and his BM is his mom.
After having a second baby BM decided she was ready to come back to SS life. I was hoping now that she's sober that her personality and attitude would be better. She has said some very horrible things in the past. I tried to make sure SS was calling her Mom and the court has given her a few hours of weekend visitation. Grandmother still has weekend custody so we don't see them much. However during school orientation BM was very condescending and yelled at SS anytime he called me mom. SS wanted me there and has stated he wants me as his mom. I'm willing to be friendly and help co-parent for my SS. I love him so much, he's my son too even though I'm reminded by BM and her mom and their lawyers that I have no blood relation or rights to him. I understand that but I'm not sure what they expect me to do? Him and I have a mother-son bond and he loves me too. I can't just start treating him differently or make him hate me.
BM is not mentally stable and has now started saying rude things again to me or making comments and telling SS stuff. He is still so little and so confused by what has happened in the last few months.
I am also the mother to SS sister and plan to always be there for him. I also want to mention grandmother liked fiancé and me until he claimed him on taxes and started wanting to take him to doctor appointments. Grandmother likes to micromanage everything and know every little detail of every day. How should I handle the BM and grandmother? And if they are speaking to me with disrespect without causing it to look bad? Fiancé and I haven't said anything to them because we don't want to cause issues before court again in a couple months. BM may get overnights even though she sometimes doesn't even complete her minimum visitation hours. Our county is very mom-centric and has been very easy on her and hard on fiancé. There's so many more issues but I'll start with this lol.
Appreciate any advice!
The road to a life of hell is
The road to a life of hell is often paved with good intentions. In hind sight, DH should have severed BM's rights due to child abandonment and then put WombGrandHag out to pasture.
As for how to deal with the Harpies now, zero tolerance. Document, document, document. Record every interface that you have with them. Set them up to have their asses bared in court and when you get in front of the Judge, roll it all out for review and the public record.
Yes, SS is YOUR son. You are the only REAL mother he has or will ever have.
We had a similar situation with my SS's SpermClan, SpermGrandHag, and the SpermIdiot. My DW was 16 when SS was born. SpermIdiot was 23. He was a serial statutory rapist. His mother, SpermGrandHag, facilitated his breeding efforts to fill every underage womb in the PAC NW with his seed. SpermGrandHag is a control freak of monumental proportions and went absolutely batshit crazy when my DW left SpermLand for university in another State and took SS with her. She had been awarded full physical and legal custody at birth and because they were together for a short time after SS was born, there was no visitation schedule. When the DipShitiot cheated on her she nailed him for CS.
DW and I met when SS-29 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I raised him as my own with his mom. When SS was 22, he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.
Stay the course, you and DH be the mom and dad to this boy that you have always been. Kids are smart, he will know who his REAL mom is.
Go to war, destroy those two toxic manipulative hags in the blended family opposition.
Whatever it takes. Protect your Skid, protect your family.
IMHO of course.
Welcome to the site!
It sounds like your MIL is an overbearing woman - and my feeling is that the upcoming court date should not stop you having firm boundaries in place with regard to her and BM. Don't put up with them jerking your chain. Having said that, pick your battles and don't let them provoke you into retaliatory rudeness. I suspect that your fiance is slightly dominated by his mother and if so he will need to work on that.
The terrible part is that she
The terrible part is that she isn't my fiance's mother. It is BM's mother so my SS's maternal grandmother.
I hear that you love this boy
I hear that you love this boy, and he loves you, but you'd be wise to take a back seat when BM is around. Let your fiancé be the parent who goes to events that BM will be at so she doesn't cause a scene about him calling you mom. You really aren't his mother, though you may feel like you are. Doesn't mean you two can't be close at home. And yes, very clear boundaries need to be set with BM and her mother. Chances are good that BM will be a thorn in your side for the rest of her life, so figuring out how to manage her is key. That usually means strong boundaries and limited contact.
I have been trying to avoid
I have been trying to avoid going to events when BM will be there but SS is becoming more and more upset by this. Since he is young I just tell him I can't go or I'm not feeling well. It is very hard on him and I just wish we could all attend and get along for him. He is the one that asks for me to be there and I feel terrible telling him no. He didn't know her until recently so it is confusing for him but we encourage their relationship as much as possible. I hope one day they can support our bond as well instead of tearing it down every chance they get. They say some terrible things to him and refuse to let him start therapy to talk through anything. I would think they could be more understanding since BM was adopted. BM and her mother aren't related by blood and they should realize just being blood-related doesn't make someone family. When she decided to leave him for years with no contact at a stranger's house, she gave up the right to be mad about our step-parent bond.
You go and attend the events
Tell them to eff off( if only mentally)! You attend the events. Do it for him.
Edit: DO NOT ENCOURAGE THEIR RELATIONSHIP!
Take this time as an exercise In boundaries
Oh yes flex those boundary muscles!
It sounds like they are using SS as their mealticket THAT Makes me LIVID! Sound like BM mother has been doing that this whole time.GROSS!
I know how you feel ! BM1 thought she was going to do that and had gotten MIL Hook line and sinker. MiL had even 'threarened' to get custody of the children from DH( NO NOT TYPO) when DH and I refused to babysit BM spawns along with SS16( then 11 yo). Our response: yeah and you're gonna borrow money from us to pay that court cost? Lol..NOPE.
You are that boys mom. He knows it. Make sure he continues to know you love him and just act like you have always acted..
Fiance needs to grow a spine ASAP. These money-grubbing nasty B*** need to be put in their places.