Angry Stepchildren
It seems to me that after being married for 4 years that my grown stepchildren will even give me any recognition or even respect. I get nothing but pure emptiness and I feel I live in a black hole most of the time that I am around them. All they do is want this and want that and they take their disliking towards their father and onto their own mother. I am to the point of hating to be around them. I have given them NOTHING to hate me, and all I ask is for a hello or even recognition for being alive. I sometimes wonder if I shouldnt be involved with this marriage because it tears me apart especially holiday time, where my own bio children are sucked in by there mother and they do not want to hurt their mothers feeling. I feel lonley and empty most of the time.
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Thank you so much for such a
Thank you so much for such a great input into my situation. I am there for her, and that is that matters. I am not forcing them to love me as a father or like me, just respect me. And its there loss not mine, thank you, so much, mike in nc.
I am in a similar position,
I am in a similar position, the holidays are hard for me. Harder than any other time of the year. I know fdh will get christmas cards and gifts, but I wont. I try not to let it get to me, but its hard. As much as I love my fdh I know he doesnt get how I feel completly. I have always disliked the holidays, but now the holidays are even more stressful.
I feel lonley too, god forbid we tell SO's about their kids behaviors. Then we are just ostricized even more, thus more lonley. Kind of a lose-lose situation.
Dodgegal05, if this is how
Dodgegal05, if this is how your FDH allows his children to treat you before marriage, and you say he doesn't get how you feel now, what on earth do you think is going to happen after marriage. You cannot talk to him about his kids behaviour now for fear of an argument, so what makes you think you will be able to after. When our partners allow their children to treat us this way and refuse to accept that it hurts us they are showing us greater disrespect than their precious offspring ever could. His kids did not ask you to marry him, they had no say in it, so they can treat you anyway they want. He however asked you to be his wife he owes you respect, he should not accept anyone being rude and disrespectful towards you, ESPECIALLY HIS OWN KIDS. You have a real problem here, please sort it out before you marry this man. A broken engagement will break your heart, but a broken marriage will be an even bigger heartbreak for you.
Do not fall for the they will be better after we marry, no they won't they will be worse. Give them time they'll come around, yeah, well maybe they will, but they will only come around to see him and make you feel like an uwelcome visitor in your own home. Or the you are the adult, you need to make a bigger effort, I love that, they bring their kids up to be ill mannered brats, and suddenly it's your fault. After marrige he will blame you for everything and it WILL cause problems between you. Please, please, if you cannot sort this out with him now re-think your position here Please.
For the record my husband was estranged from his children when we married, he was the love of my life, he treated me with love and respect he was loving and tender and charming, had I known that once his children got wind of the marriage and that we had bought a new home they would decide to come back into his life to get this house when he died (never going to happen it is my house to), that he would allow his children to be rude, disrespectful ignorant ill mannered brats, there is no way in hell I would have married this man.
I worshipped him, I treated him with all the love and respect I had within me, his children have treated him with nothing but contempt, and he allows them to do this to me. It can happen to anyone, even you, please be very careful here.
Thankfully this year I will
Thankfully this year I will not be in that position as I banned my husbands daughter from my home last August, she in turn ordered her two brothers not to come here anymore....God I thank her for that one. They have never come here on Christmas day, that kills two birds with one stone - they don't have to spend time with my kids, and they get to punish dad at the same time, punishing dad I think is their special Christmas gift to themselves and they really enjoy that. However either the next day or the day after they would rock up and give daddy a gift always alcholol and always with the remark "here dad, this is for YOU" with a blatant *enfises on the YOU( *just realised I have used that word before in my life, but never had to write it or spell it) sorry for the phonetic spelling there.
I have had for the last 8 years a HUGE problem with the way my husband's children have treated me. They have completely ignored my existence, no hello, no goodbye and as I have said on this site before, apart from many incidents with precious princess daughter, the many, many times I have offered her drink and she has blatantly ignored me, so her father would then ask her, she would answer him, and he stupidly would tell me what she wanted to drink. I put up with that kind of rubbish for my husband's sake, I didn't want to cause problems between him and his children..........Then one day I woke up. What the hell was going on here, I am bending over backwards to make sure I don't cause any problems between him and his kids, and he thanks me by sitting back not only allowing them to ignore my very presence, but he actually encourages and approves of it by doing stupid things like that.
With the sudden realisation that although his kids were a problem HE was actually a bigger one, he was the one by his actions telling his children, it's okay, go for it, I don't care how you treat my wife, in fact I will even help you, so you don't have to speak to her I will answer any questions she directs to you myself. WTF. From the moment my eyes opened to that FACT, I changed, and after one final insult from his Princess can do no wrong daughter I banned her from my home. Has my husband been hurt by this, yep, am I happy about that NO, but finally the right person is feeling the pain of the spoilt rotten ignorant, rude behaviour of his children HIM. I will never have them in my home again. My husband is the one who should have stopped this behaviour years ago, and he failed to do so, just as your partner has failed to do so. These people would be highly embarrassed if their children treated any other adult the way they have allowed and by their failure to intervene encouraged these ill mannered brats to treat us.
Don't blame the kids - blame the parent. If your partner does not expect his/her children to respect you in your own home, then as far as I see it, your partner has no respect for you, just as my husband obviously had no respect for me. These situations never, never work if the parents cannot come to some sort of boundaries and acceptable behaviour from SK. My husbands children are all adults 30 thru to 36, but I don't care if they are 3 or 33 their parents need to teach them manners and respect for others. You may as well speak up even if leads to an almighty fight, because at least you will know where you stand after 4 years and not waste anymore of your life, because the day will come when you will be forced to speak up, why wait another 4 or 40 years. Speak to your partner now and hopefully you will be able to reach some agreement.
Just a footnote: My husband each and every Christmas, receives and accepts gifts from all of my children, and he without any embarrassment whatsover happily accepts gifts specifically FOR HIM and thought nothing of his daughter VERBALLY expressing that to him in front of me, and nothing of how humilating it was for me to stand in my home and be treated that way by his offspring. Nice one.