Maybe he was afraid of what your reaction would be if he said yes? Maybe he was ashamed that he did it?
What would you have said if he told you he did? What were hoping to gain by having him answer this question?

Awwww, honey.

No offense to the awesome guys on here: Many men are total wimps. Their way to handle a potential argument is to try to lie their way out of having to admit to whatever they're afraid they'll get in trouble for.

(Women do this to, I know; but I think guys do it more, given the male aversion to having talks about "feelings", etc.)

Sadly, that makes a lot of guys lie about things that, in themselves, aren't such a big deal. Case in point: men not telling their wives that they've had a conversation with their ex. The conversation may not have been about anything the wife would be upset about -- but the guy lies out of wimpiness, and then when the woman finds out, she's now pissed at the lie AND suspicious!!!

If I were you, I would wait until I was much calmer about this. Then, I'd sit down with FH, and talk to him -- CALMLY -- about the fact that lying does NO relationship any good. I would personally say, "You need to know that the fact that you lied hurts me much more than any knowledge of something you did before you met me. I need to know that I can trust you to tell me the truth, because if you would lie to me about this, how do I know that you won't lie to me about something really important? Can you tell me WHY you felt the need to lie about this?" Then, actually listen to his reasons. And communicate calmly with him to come to a point where he recognizes that telling you the truth is not something he should be afraid of -- but lying is.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

That is actually kinda common. I read some statistics about this once, some survey in a magazine actually, and I think I posted about it. A lot of people sleep with their ex spouses soon after ttheir divorce. I am sure he was just scared to admit it to you, especially if you hate her. I would stress that your reaction to lying is always going to be worse then just telling you the truth. Guys do this. They thinks its okay to lie or omit info if they think its going to upset you. Really, I think they just don't want to deal with the backlash that the truth would cause. Thats why I would always make sure the backlash from a lie is WAY worse then the backlash from the truth Then eventually he'll get just telling the truth is easier

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Well, my DH slept with BM for 2 whole years after they divorced. And she is a nasty, ugly lesbian!! He even had a girlfriend right after and he STILL went back and slept with the nasty troll.

Men are crazy and you never know what they are capable of. YUCK!! They are just weird.

Love :?

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!**

Yikes. I would be pissed too. Even though lying is never okay, I think he probably lied to you because he was scared of losing you. I went through something similar in the beginning of my relationship and he didn't lie, he just failed to tell me something major. I was really, really upset at first, but after we talked it out, he made it pretty clear that he was terrified that if I found out, I would leave him. I told him he better not ever fail to tell me something like that again, that i'd rather be mad and have the truth, and he's been totally open ever since. I can ask him anything about his past and even though it's sometimes uncomfortable, he tells me the truth. I bet the same situation can happen for you. It seems like he didn't tell you because he was scared, which doesn't excuse him, but helps explain it. I don't think he lied because he is a liar or untrustworthy, it seems more like he was ashamed of his behavior and was scared of upsetting you. I would talk to him about it and see what his explanation is for lying to you. The important thing is that he is completely honest with you in the future. I agree that sleeping with the BM after divorce is the issue, but the lying.

I don't want to make excuses for "men" in general, but it does seem to be true that they are kind of wimps when it comes to this stuff. I think that especially guys that have come out of really unhappy and dysfunctional relationships (and that pretty much includes all of our boyfriends/fiances/husbands) have to re-learn or learn for the first time how to have an honest, open relationship. My H and BM had an unbelievable dysfunctional relationship and the worst lack of communication possible. They weren't emotionally close at all and he was used to her lying to him all the time. He didn't trust her at all and was used to being closed off, so it took some time for him to open up to me. I am the exact opposite of BM and I am extremely emotional, passionate and brutally honest to a fault and it took some time before he got used to that and learned to open up. It definitely took some time and especially for guys, change is slow and difficult, but men can change.

Anyway, I would be really pissed off too, but I wouldn't write off the relationship or give up on him yet. Definitely talk it out. Also, this gives you emotional ammunition for life! (just kidding). I hope he realizes how much he screwed up and makes up for it and is honest in the future.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

Oh Rusty... I posted nearly an identical post only a few months back.... This hurts and I am so sorry for you. I know how this feels. Why do they lie about this? Why do they lie about or concel anything when it comes to BM? Maybe they are afraid how we will react, maybe they are afraid of us leaving, or maybe they are just plain embarassed.
In my case the lies stemed from embarassment.... embarassment for ever being married the dirty slob in the first place to embarassment over the fact that he actually thought he wanted that so he continued to sleep with her in the hopes they would get back together. Once reality sunk in and he saw exactly what she is.... he didn't want ANYONE finding out about her PERIOD! Sad thing is I think he kinda knew all along.... he was just so comfortable in the routine and she had his kids... but come on.... when they were married he was so embarassed of her that he didn't even attend his reunion because he didn't want anyone seeing what he married!

I know this hurts Rusty... and if the lying continues about other things or he is hiding things, purposely not telling you things, outright lying, etc, then you have a problem. It doesn't matter what excuse he comes up with.... the lying needs to STOP NOW!

I always find it better to not even ask about the past, because it is the past and why should I care what he did before me. All that matters is how he treats me and what we have together!!! However, I would never sleep with someone I broke up with, ever!!!

Honestly, what guy wants to look like the jackass who not only slept with the psycho and knocked her up, but went back for more???

Really, these idiots banged the biggest mess of a sperm depository on the planet and then after they know their full psychotic glory and escape her mangled claws what does he do??? Bangs her again of course.

Yep, if I did something THAT friggin stupid, I'd deny it to a person I respected and loved. Why would I want them knowing what a dumbass idiot I am?

Rusty - DO NOTHING.

I am not quite sure what some of the other responses to you were (sorry I didn't read them all first.)

But really.... YOU had a sex life before your husband, correct? Do you tell him everything? Every little thing? Do you tell him if you had a lover that was bigger, better at some particular thing, etc? Or do you give him 100% honesty in your past, with some omission of stuff that he doesn't need to know... BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

I"m really sorry honey, but he lied for a reason. He lied because he didn't want to hurt you or fight with you. But really, it all happened before you, so it's really none of your business. Just like sexual relations with any other woman he had between his wife and you (if there were any) or any sexual relations he had with his wife during his marriage, etc..... he does NOT owe you a blow by blow (literally and/ or figuratively) detailed account of his sex life. As long as it didn't happen while you were in the picture, you have no right to know, or be angry with him about it. You may think you can... but you have about as much right to that, as he does to question you about something you may not wish to answer, and then get pissed with you for it.

In my opinion, of course!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

'he does NOT owe you a blow by blow"

LOL!!!!!

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I think the only reason it bothered me that my DH slept with BM for 2 years after the divorce is because, well first off...she is a lesbian and secondly, the sex was boring, awful and um...she is a LESBIAN!! Hello?? Anyone home?? The b**ch put him through 7 levels of Hell during and after their marriage (and is still putting us through Hell) and he still went back for more nasty, gay woman sex. With a troll.

I just don't understand it AT ALL and find it really disgusting. You would understand if you saw BM and DH. BM is a nasty 46 year old, wrinkly troll and DH is 39, (looks 25) and he literally could be a super-model if he wanted to be. It's crazy! I just wonder if it was a self-esteem thing. I mean, how can you love a person who is nasty and ugly inside and out...and want to sleep with them!!

Icky...just icky!! Maybe he was just really ashamed when I talked to him about it. He didn't seem to have a good reason as to why he did it.

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!**

Ugh...I don't even bother asking my husband about his past. Not even with TheFrizz. She told me herself "well I'm sure you know he left bc i hate sex...even with him and i'm sure you probably know he's phenomenal in bed...i just hate sex." Gross.Vomit in my mouth. Dh has slipped and made suggestive comments about his whore-like past but I just cover my ears and say, "lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!" I DON'T want to know.

i don't even want to ask bc I know he'll lie or avoid the real truth to avoid "getting into trouble" and he'll lie to avoid hurting me with the astronomical amount of vagina he has seen in his lifetime...likely enough to make me ask him if he's a gyn rather than a surgeon. From what I gather, he was a total slut.

he did grill me about my past and I was honest...to keep our marriage focused on the present, we usually steer clear of these types of conversations. It's pointless and usually hurtful. who needs the past of their man poking it's big ugly 'Vag-tastic' self into the lovely present??

it's just a guy thing...they lie to keep from getting into a jam they can't make all better. not an excuse, just reality.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

*

These are never good conversations to have. Everyone has a past.