As lot has happened since my last post a  couple weeks ago.  Me and my bd's are in a much better place. My therapist has been wonderful, she's been helping me come to terms that sd's sucide was not my fault, and that I have noting to be gulity for. My daughters just recently went back to school, but i'm currently looking to move to a different province. Need a fresh start, and so do my girls. 

Since my last post, stbxdh gave me a letter that ss14 wrote. I've been really hesitate to read it for a while, so I followed someone's advice and had my therepist read it first and tell me whether or not I should read it. When she read it, she looked SHOCKED. I asked her if I should read it, she said I should. She asked me if I wanted her to read it or read it myself, I wanted to read it myself. I'm still kind of in shock. 

Dear Sadden, 

I know you probably don't want to hear from me ever again because of how I treated you. I don't blame you. How I treated you was  not cool. I was angry. When I overheard you and dad saying telling my sister that she was going to be sent away, I lost it, and then finding her body on the bathroom floor the next day an awful experience. I wanted to hurt both you and dad, and in doing so I became someone I'm not. I can't even look at myself in the mirror because i'm so ashamed of myself. Being angry at the you, doesn't give me an exuse to treat you like trash; for that i'm truly sorry. You didn't deserve it. 

I think blaming you, for my sister death was a lot easier for me do what actually accepting that fact that it was her own descion, but it's hard to be mad at someone whose not around, so you became a scapegoat from me. For that I'm truly sorry, you didn't deserve such a harsh punishment for somthing you weren't even responsible for. It was just a horrible situation that resulted in an horrible outcome, but in the end it was HER choice to claim her life. No one forced her to do anything. Not you and not dad. It was her. I'm sorry for making you feel like you were the cause of her death. 

I've realized hating you or dad isn't going to being her back, but instead it's going to keep me stuck in the past, and I don't want that. I need to move on. I not only have to live my life for myself, but also for her, and I have to be there for dad too. He's slowly starting to come to terms with it. Slowly, he's getting there, but it's going to take a while. Me and dad have an open dialogue now (our therapist suggested it), and he told me that he blames himself and you. Ignore him he's still greving but he'll come around soon. If he told you something like that, I apologize on his behalf; if not then whoops, and i'm sorry for even bringing it up. 

It's totally up to you if you want to write back or not. If you don't, I won't blame you; if you do- that would be nice. Again I'm sorry for how I treated you. I wish you and her daughters noting but happiness. 

SS14. 

I think I lost 30 pounds of water weight from just crying. I feel lighter almost. My therapist recommended that I should take some time to think about responding for not. I've re-read it i think 30 times, and cried everytime. Me and my therapist were both shocked. She even asked him dh had another son, I didn't know about. I'm actually really glad that I didn't burn or throw the letter out. I think it gave me the closure I needed.