The hardest pill for any stepmom (SM) who wants to be engaged in their stepkid's rearing to swallow is the one that they are not that child's parent and will never be that child's parent.

Society contradicts itself n what it expects of SMs all the time. SMs are vilified (how many times have you watched a movie with an evil SM, or SM is the young secretary that broke up the first marriage?) while also being told they should love and treat their stepkid as if they are their own. They get told to act like a "bonus" mom who supports the step kids emotionally and financially, but are told they are overstepping when they try to discipline or selfish when they don't fart rainbows or rain money down all over their stepkid. It's no wonder SM don't know what to do!

In your situation, your significant other (SO) has been very clear about what he thinks your role should be. He doesn't want you to be a SM and help him parent; he just wants you to be Dad's SO. He doesn't want to know your opinions about his parenting, he doesn't want your help in correcting your perceived errors of his, and he doesn't want your commentary on his relationship with his ex/bio mother (BM).

Your SO is well within his rights to tell you that he doesn't want you involved in the rearing of his child. You have two real options at this point: Learn to be content as Dad's SO and leave all the parenting up to him, or find a partner that you can start a family with on your own.

If you go with Option A, then you really need to commit to just being Dad's SO. No helping stepson (SS) with homework, no doing his laundry, no helping with bedtime, no making sure he gets a balanced meal - leave everything parenting-related to SO and either act like the cool, fun aunt or disengage from SS entirely (which I doubt you'll do, and that's fine, but it is an option). If your SO truly doesn't want you to have a say, then you also don't play any of the Mom roles. Hopefully he is content with you not engaging in parenting. If, however, he expects you to do the grunt work, then you need to have a say. Too many SMs get put into situations where they have responsibility without authority, and that literally drives SMs bonkers because of the power plays involved in such an arrangement. If your SO is expecting you to act motherly without giving you the authority of an equal parental figure or at least an adult who cares for the child, then we can have follow-up conversations on this board on how to address it.

If you go with Option B and leave, know that you're not a bad person. Depending on how your SO is handling this with you, this may very well be a situation of incompatibility versus one person being right and the other wrong. You want desperately to be a mother. If you have kids with this man, this will be his parenting style. How he treats SS will be how he treats your mutual kids. If you split up and share custody, this is the lifestyle your kid will live in when not with you. You're not okay with it now, so I doubt you would be okay with it later when the kid is biologically/legally yours. Yes, differences in parenting style are major deallbreaker-level issues that can and should end relationships. It's just as important as whether or not someone wants to have kids, if they're good with money, and if they share similar future life goals. Being a SM gives you insight into what kind of parent your SO will be to children of your own, and if you don't like it, know that it likely won't change unless he wants it to. And he doesn't seem too keen on changing.

Step life is no cake walk. If you read around here for a while, you'll realize that there are okay stories to downright terrible. I feel like I sit on the "okay" side of the fence, and even my life gets turned upside down emotionally and financially because of it. I am really lucky to have a husband (DH) who lets me have authority over his kids and allows me to parent them as I see fit (mostly) in our home. My SSs like me and we get along well. My biggest issues come from BM and her clan. It's rare to be able to have a nearly singular-point of drama in step life. Most people get bombarded on all fronts - their spouses, the step kids, the other bio parents - and they come here looking for help after years and years of struggle with no change. Sometimes it gets better, but usually people disengage from it all, stop considering themselves a SM, and revert back to just Dad's SO.

So, the take away is that you're not your SS's mom, your SO doesn't want your input, and your options are to accept being just Dad's SO or finding a new partner who is more in-line with what you're looking for. There is no magic formula to make your SO think you're right or to get him to change his parenting. He is quite clearly telling you what he wants and expects. He isn't necessarily wrong, but he may be incompatible. You're the one who has to decide to change your attitude or leave, not because you're wrong, but because the only thing you can change is yourself.

Oh my Girl......

You will never be a united family, that's a myth. Now listen carefully, you are not married Hon, re think this relationship...
You are to young to be a parent to another woman's child, or a maid for that matter cause that's your only function to a step child.

Yes you love this man, but there's not respect or communication or even friendship from his side, If he respected you he would've listened to your suggestions and tried it, instead he tells you off...

You have different parenting styles, No Hon.. Mr X has no parenting style and that will never change, not in a years time and sure as hell not in 10 years time. If there was no child or Ex in the picture and this was your child, Mr X would've left you to parent your way, ... but his son is a special snowflake of divorce and Mr X feels guilty cause his poor kid has a hard life, Little Jonny picked up on is and well he's already manipulating his parents to get his way, this is going to get worse comes teen years....

Why are you putting your life on hold, by lowering your standards and giving up on your values your parents instated in you?
Hon , one should never give up on own values and standards and sorry if it's to high for another person to reach then it's simply not meant to be...

Mr X is suppose to lift his values and standards, you are not suppose to lower yours. Now find a quiet place and really rethink this relationship,
write down all the pro's and con's and all you have to answer yourself (not me, not Mr x) how is the order of the following foundation bricks of your relationship

Commonucation, Trust, respect and friendship.... love has got nothing to do with it...

Things won’t change unless your partner realizes he sucks at parenting his kid and is, in our terms, a Disney Dad. I don’t tell you that so you try to fix him-I tell you that so you can look at the colossal mountain that is Disney Parenting which explains why he attacks you when you call out his kid for misbehavior, when you try to enforce structure or change surroundings. This is only the beginning. You might want to help, but he’s saying it’s unwanted and every time he throws in your face the fact that you’re not a parent, he is saying you’re not his equal, he does not value your opinion and you come below his child in the pecking order (which sounds cute and dreamy until the kid is 19 still living under your roof demanding you make him a sandwich because that’s what dad taught him you were worth).

Understand I don’t come at you with this as a bitter old stepmom you got stuck with a bad one. I’m close to your age and our skids are also close in age. But the difference between us is I made sure DH’s and my parenting styles were similar, I made sure he knew that I wasn’t playing second to him or his kid as children do not run me. Think about it: you shouldn’t be attracted to this man because he has a child, you should be attracted to a man because he can handle is business and that includes parenting his child to be a decent human. You’re a bedwarmer at this point and you deserve more.

This isn't about difference in parenting styles. This is about values and ethics and codes. He is 10 yrs older than you and has his snowflake ideas about his home being the fun home. The home lacking structure because sure as eggs, he is feeling as guilty as sin that his son is brought up in 2 homes and not with one intact family. And you have no idea how to parent in a split family? Where does he get all his experience? How many times has he gone through all of this before? Don't tell me, past life experience. Because that makes as much sense as his argument.
Do not compromise your dreams and plans. I for one think they are valid and normal and smart and will only produce a well adjusted, socially acceptable adult. Him? Not so much. I would suggest you move out. Continue to date and see how this relationship progresses from the outside. Why the rush to live with him and his son?
As for not being allowed to have an opinion on how to deal with his ex .... honey! This is YOUR life and you ARE entitled to your voice. The 3 (yes 3) of them and their history will govern every single facet of your future today and in years to come. BM doesn't want you at a game? You will not be there. DH wants to make the master bedroom for SS? Absolutely because he is a child of divorce and your whole life is to make him as happy as he can be. SS feels sick and doesn't want to go to school? You will be left at home to take care of him because hos father earns more than you and gets out the door earlier so you are left with a sick child that isn't yours and you have no legal rights. And if the boy isn't sick and wants to stay home for the day, you will be at home catering to his needs like all day computer games and food out the kazoo.
Please at least move out. You can date on those off weeks. No one says you have to stay there. And if BoyFriend says you are both done if you move out you have your answer right there. You are a sex partner and maid. He can be honest and pay for those services.

You are too young to be sacrifice your life for another family's dysfunction. Find yourself and find someone who matches your parenting values. It is as valid a question as ... do you want to vacation on a cruise ship every year or fly somewhere different every year?

Be the strong Aussie girl you are inside. Do not compromise your acceptable values for a mans dysfunction.

Just read your post.

Here's the thing-the reason your skid and dh have it all wrong:

"I am immediately, without fail accused of being a strict disciplinarian with no idea what it’s like to raise a child in a broken family. Is this true?"

Experts around agree you don't raise a child in a broken family. You parent a child 'AS IF' you were still in an intact home. ANY deviation to this will cause a huge disservice to your stepkid and the family dynamics as a whole.

Tell him to drop the guilt, parent as IF he were still married. No coddling, no guilt parenting, no lax rules.

I feel like leaving every day.

Listen to your gut. You deserve a family that you are actually a part of.

Welcome! There is much advice here, so many people who have experience and knowledge.

Here is mine:

I live with SO, and he currently has 50/50 custody of Munchkin SD11. His eldest, I had issues with, and she had major issues with me. AS I have read, and learned, and gone through 3 1/2 years with him, here is what I can tell you in the simplest terms:

1. When someone tells you that you couldnt possibly know about parenting because, you have no children of your own, havent been through it, they essentially are diminishing you. That is when you back off. Do not try to parent the child. I tried parenting, and it blew up in my face. The child has to allow you to parent, the parent has to back you up, and allow you to parent. Otherwise it doesnt work.

2. The ex - it seems like they are always right there, interfering, and enmeshed. If they are toxic BM, like mine, then there will always be high conflict drama-filled situations. Youve got a looooong road ahead. Can you stomach it, after being told to butt out? Something to ponder.

3. Parenting is parenting, and I dont know about styles, but some like rules and structure and some like more relaxed. I tend towards more structure. And it has caused many issues, because at TBM's house its is very relaxed. ANd they are not used to someone new telling them what to do in their house (I came into the household, so I was new kid on the block). Even now, after 3 plus years, it is still shocking when I ask for Munchkin to do her own laundry, or feed the pets. ARe you able to go through the power struggles, and the differing parenting with this man?

It is a good time, now that you are posting, to really think through this relationship. I wouldnt tell you to leave him, no one should do that, only you know in your heart what you need to do, you just need to find that voice, and listen to it.