General rant and survival tips?
Hi everyone,
Just joined today in the hopes of being able to rant and/or find people in a similar situation who can sympathize. 
In early February, I moved into the house I bought with my partner. She has two kids. An adult 28 year old woman and a 14 year old girl. I moved in with the understanding that the 28 year old would be with us temporarily (her marriage ended in September of 2021 and she's been living with her mom since) and she will likely move out in the summer (hopefully). The 14 year old WAS living 50/50 with her and her father. Shortly after I moved in, the 14 year old announced she no longer "felt comfortable" staying at her father's house and wanted to live with us full-time. Brief history of her relationship with her dad: he's an absentee dad. Not emotionally or physically available. Always working. Works long and odd hours. Figured she was now a "teen" and could pretty much take care of herself. My partner (her mom) felt that he wanted the 50/50 arrangment because that way he wouldn't have to pay her anything for child support. I would agree with this. He's money motivated, 100%. She didn't feel comfortable talking to her dad about anything personal or even asking for anything. Spent most of her time alone in the house as he was off working.
Bit of a history on the 14 year old. Raised by the two of them in a messy blended family with little to no structure, routine or boundaries. My partner struggles with depression and organization and self-structuring. Not sure how she thought she could provide that for a child when she can't even provide it for herself but apparently she really wanted a second child. She breastfed this kid until she was 6 years old. Yeah. I know. Should have been a red flag for me. But she is a kind hippy dippy soul and I fell in love. Sigh.
Here's where we are now. The kid is 14 and does nothing around the house. No responsibilities, no chores, no consequences, no expectations. She eats what and when she wants (she will only eat Mr Noodles, mac and cheese, potato chips, burritos). No fruits and vegetables. Hardly drinks water. She goes to bed around 1 am. Gets up around noon. A couple of weeks ago her sleep schedule was even worse. She'd go to bed around 4 am, get up at 3 pm. All the kid does is video game and watch TV. On screens from the time she wakes, until the time she nods off. Doesn't go outside. Doesn't exercise. Doesn't go to school.
Mom pulled her out of school in January and said she would homeschool her. This has so far not happened. Why? Because the kid doesn't want to. She only does what she wants. And she certainly won't do what her mom tells her to do. Mom says black. She says white. Mom says no, she says yes. And she gets away with it all.
Mom finally tried to get her to try to do an online class. A one time thing. She even let her choose which class. Guess what she chose? It was a video game class. LOL. Half an hour before it was to start, her mom told me "She's not doing it. She's refusing." I asked why. She said "Because she didn't know she'd have to go on video." And that was that. No consquences. No nothing. Just okay, poor dear, that would be too trying right? That makes you anxious? Okay then. You don't have to.
She has hired a homeschooling and parent coach who she will see once a week by video (saw her once so far). She's convinced this will help. I told her short of the coach coming here and doing it herself, I don't have a lot of hope of this working. Plus I think this kid needs the structure and routine of being in a brick and mortar school. I told her she should tell the kid that if she doesn't at least try to cooperate with homeschooling then she'll need to return to school. She said she told the kid that and the kid replied with "You can't make me." My partner is 5 foot 2. Her kid is 5 foot 7 and has put on quite a lot of weight since the pandemic. I think my partner is actually physically intimidated by her.
Basically, the 14 year old calls all the shots. She does only what she wants to do. She doesn't lift a finger around the house. She is surly and rude to her mom at times and that makes me super angry. Her room is a distaster. She never cleans or picks up after herself, never makes her bed.
I feel that her mother is enabling and spineless when it comes to her. I feel the kid needs consistenty and routine and structure. She gets none of that. I have tried to help and have had some success but then she goes right back to her baseline. I feel like this kid needs boarding school or military school. I feel like with the current trajectory she's on, she'll be homeless OR living in her mother's basement for the rest of her life.
Thoughts? Survival tips? Tips in general? Help?
Run. Fast. Far. Do not look
Run. Fast. Far. Do not look back.
Seriously though? Do you really think this will change for the better....anytime soon? Ever? It won't. And the kid will probably get a worse attitude as time goes on.
Eh. Do you really want to waste your life trying to get an feral kind-of-adult out of your house? Because that is exactly where you will be in 5 years...10 years....15 years...
Hard pass.
Time to have that hard conversation with your girlfriend. Either she steps up her parenting game, or she can buy you out of the house, or the house will have to be sold.
This 100% is worth ending a relationship.
Thanks for the feedback. I
Thanks for the feedback. I agree that I don't see this getting better anytime soon. But given we just bought this house together and given I just moved in in February, I feel obligated to give it more time. Especially from a financial point of view. I want the house to appreciate so I can leave this with more money in the bank. I'm going to try to stick this out for a year, if I can. It's certainly not going to be easy but I figure eye on the prize and disengage from any kind of parenting in the meantime...
If I was in a more robust financial position I'd make arrangements for next week. But sadly, I'm not.
-C
Never blend money/property.
This is the lesson I preach regularly from STalk. IMO, having your own resources (not tied up with partner/spouse) is absolutely vital - no matter how long you've been in the relationship.
As you've learned, things are not what you expected. Nor will they be. Sadly, you will now be in a difficult position and it may cost you financially. Only you can decide how long you are willing to tolerate this. I know it hasn't been that long but the signs are pretty damn neon red IMO. This situation is NOT going to change.
You can sit down with your partner to discuss and even give an ultimatum but you should expect that either she flat-out won't agree or she will agree but still not act on anything. After this discussion, I would then be consulting an attorney and find the best way out of your housing purchase dilemna. Have your partner buy you out (even if its a loss) and move on with your life. (NOTE: With interest rates rising, the value of homes is undoubtedly going to go DOWN.)
The fact is that you will wind up losing even more money the longer you are in this untenable situation. The 14 year old will undoubtedly have escalating behavior/education issues which will get costlier and more serious the older she gets. Think trouble with the law, pregnancy, addiction issues, violence, etc.
You are not going to change anything
So leve thing as they are and disengage, and just pay for all of this. Or exit as fast as you can.
Well, if you felt comfortable
Well, if you felt comfortable enough to join with your GF on a big joint investment like a home.. you have to be able to have the difficult conversations about things.
I will focus this stuff on the 14 yo because theoretically the 28 yo should be out in a few months (are you seeing progress towards that?... if not.. that's another issue)
First, your GF needs to hear the difficult truth that her plan to homeschool her 14 yo is not working. She is PAYING for extra assistance but doesn't have the temperament to force the issue with her daughter.. and that is FAILING her daughter. She is being borderline neglectful to allow her to not make academic progress. She may be an intelligent and capable person, but she is not suited to teaching her daughter.. and her daughter is not cooperative in this environment. She MUST go to school. period. It can be the local public school, parochial school a boarding school (though that has whiffs of let's get rid of your daughter.. and the girl already has one parent that doesn't GAF).
I would say she has given enough effort to this.. and at this point... she doesn't have any justification to ask for "more time".. the girl is obviously not suited to this arrangement either.. and as a mother.. she needs to do the right thing for her and enroll her in school.. she has likely already lost a year of progress... and at some point, she may even get in legal trouble for not actually teaching her child as she is portraying to the school systems.
What the girl eats/drinks... whether she exercises.. those I would stay away from. Sure, her mother should encourage a healthy lifestyle.. but you need to disengage... and just have your finances set up so you don't feel you are subsidizing this diet if it is costly. To an extent...her sleep schedule is also something I would avoid discussing unless her schedule is interferring with yoru peaceful enjoyment of your home. If she starts attending school in person, she will likely have to adjust that anyway since she will have to take the bus or whatever to get to school on time.
Chores and the like, the minimum expectation is that the girl should be managing the cleanliness of her own spaces.. I think that this is probably something that is not a priority to fix now.. though it's a sign your GF doesn't have a good parenting gene.. kids need to have some responsibilities to help them develop skills and habits to make them successful.. letting her kid do nothing is not being nice to her. it's harming her in some ways.
HER EX.. if the girl lives with you FT.. her dad should likely be paying some CS..
How is your EX able to be at home to home school does she work? or are you supporting everyone (another problem if that is the case).
I'm not sure what the relationship is with her older daughter.. I think attacking the issues related to the younger will bear fruit more if you aren't tearing everything down at once.. in a month or so, I might start asking what OSD's plans are.. even ask the 28 yo yourself.. "So.. have you had any luck apartment searching? want some help... I know some people in the rental business who could probably help)
Thanks for the amazing
Thanks for the amazing feedback and tips, everyone. Appreciated. Lots of food for thought here.
I'll let you know how things progress...
C.
I feel sorry for this young
I feel sorry for this young girl. Nobody cares enough about her to give her tools for a successful life. No education? No high school diploma? On this path, she won't likely study for a GED. What kind of job will she get? How will she live? That will either be with you, forever, or a series of partners who use her for a time.
She does nothing, accomplishes nothing, has no opportunity to experience successes, or learn from failures. She knows nothing of self-motivation, or managing deadlines, or the value of money. Her future is bleak unless her parents take action. But to date, neither have. That is an unfortunate predictor of the future.
Your wife needs help parenting. The daughter must feel abandoned. Serious family counseling for both of them, parenting classes for your wife.
And start thinking about an escape plan for yourself. This is not an easy path and damage is pretty great by now.
I feel for her too. I agree
I feel for her too. I agree with everything you've posted here.
You don't have an SD problem,
You don't have an SD problem, you have an SO problem. Your SO's shitty parenting is within HER. Your SDs' behaviours are manifested from your SO's craptastic parenting. You need to address your SO. She likely needs therapy. Parents who cripple their kids due to a fear of parenting them have some kind of issue that causes them to be too chicken shit to parent. Unless and until your SO recognizes that there's a problem and actually WANTS to change it, things won't change. Neither the 28 year old nor the 14 year old are going anywhere. Kids who are disney parented do not meet milestones like their peers do and they don't leave home anywhere near the time their peers do, and that's if they even leave at all. If they do leave, they end up back at Mummy's over and over again throughout their lives. You can quote me on that as I have a 32 year old SD and 30 year old SS who took forever to launch. I had to pull quite a stunt to get 25 year olds out of my house. They were exactly like your SD14 when they were 14.
Oh, and on that note, even when these failure-to-launch coddled assholes finally get forced out, they can still find ways to cling and create havoc from afar. My SD had skype open 24/7 with DH so as to still live with DH in a way. SD's ex broke up with her because he didn't want to "keep living with SD's dad." It's was pathetic. I have a colleague whose husband sits with an ipad on his lap at home constantly so he and his adult useless clingy cling-on pathetic DD can stay in constant contact. My colleague is having her DH served later this week as it has been made clear to her, as in other Disney parented relationships, that there is no room for a spouse. Her DH is too busy Disney parenting and catering to his adult brat. It's a pathalogical problem with a prognosis of slim to none. This is more than likely your future. You might want to reconsider waiting a year before you leave.
Disengagement is your friend
And pull out your finances as much as you can. And you need to talk with your partner and let her know, and repeat yourself as necessary that the SD14 WILL FAIL in life an it WILL be her fault.
Case in point - SD22 Feral Forger. Name sais it all.
Sounds like you have a few
Sounds like you have a few problems going on here:
1. You have an SO problem, not an SD problem as others have mentioned. Your SD has terrible parents and how else is she supposed to learn to be independent, succeed in the future, etc. without the proper teachings and supports?
2. You have a financial problem. That's your own doing. I could provide advice, but...
3. You have a decision to make and you should be making it soon. I realize you want to stay a year but that's not fair to anyone in this situation, especially the child. Cut it off if it's rotting, don't let it fester. Do you see your SO being able to put in the work to get SD on the right track? Do you see yourself being able to sit by and watch for the next year if SO doesn't? In my opinion, I would not be able to as I would not respect her and in fact feel that she is neglectful thus abusive to your SD and her unmet basic needs. No respect.
Good luck and keep us posted.