I've often wondered whether the problem skids we deal with are the way they are wholly because of things like upbringing/parenting etc, or whether some of it could be genetic/hereditary and the problems they have could have happened anyway regardless of family or parenting issues etc. Some so-called experts reckon that nature plays a big part in why people turn out the way they do, though I believe that nurture plays a bigger part and most kids who have behaviour and attitude problems are the way they are mainly because of their upbringing and early experiences in life, unless they have a genuine condition like autism or learning disabilities which cannot be foreseen or prevented.

So many times we read about skids acting up because their bm (or bio dad) is selfish, lazy, ignorant or just plain evil and uses the kids as weapons against their ex. It's sad that so many bms' hatred for their ex is stronger than the love they have for their kids and they're prepared to hurt their own children in such a way that screws them up for life and turns them into selfish, angry, non functioning monsters who then go on and do the same thing to their own kids in years to come.

I think that nature maybe has some part to play, in that kids inherit some genetic factors from their parents, and I believe the risk of mental illness is higher in people where there is a family history. That is certainly true of dh's family, as his mother and siblings as well as dh suffer from depression and anxiety problems. Bm has mental health issues but is the opposite of dh. He is calm, gentle, doesn't feel sorry for himself and just gets on with life the best way he can, while bm is an attention seeker, is loud and aggressive and has the biggest poor me attitude I've ever seen. She is incapable of taking responsibility for anything and it's always someone else's fault. I see so much of bm's attitude in ss16, despite the fact he's been raised by me and dh since he was 9. I can't understamd how, when he says he dislikes bm and knows what a nasty person she is, he turns out to be just like her, and I would have thought at age 16 he should be able to make a conscious effort to become as unlike her as possible. I have a bd20 with my abusive ex and when she got to about 14 I told her she had a foul temper and a bad attitude just like him, and she told me she didn't want to be like him and was going to try and change. She did great and although has some issues still from her dad's emotional abuse, has made a conscious effort to change the things about herself she didn't like and is a happy, independent young woman with her own life.

Bm also claims to be dyslexic (I don't know whether that's true or it's just another excuse to get other people to do things for her), but she has the writing abilities of a 7 year old. She also has a very low IQ so is generally quite slow anyway. The 3 skids are all the same with their writing - it's appalling although they can read and understand fine and have no problems with their maths, and I'm sure the writing problems must be inherited. They've been tested for dyslexia and the school say none of them have it. Dh is an intelligent guy with an above average IQ, and luckily it seems they've inherited his brains but with her writing abilities, which is a real shame as it will probably hinder them when they're older.

All the skids have got issues due to bm's emotional abuse - ss9 is far too clingy to dh and has speech problems despite lots of speech therapy, ss10 is moody and completely obsessed with food and ss16 is very selfish, loud, a bully, a compulsive liar and a thief. I can see there being real trouble with these kids as they get older, even though they've had a stable home with us for the past 6 years, plenty of discipline and plenty of encouragement, and I think a lot of it is due to what bm did to them during their early years with her. I can see them all ending up with mental health problems too, as there are signs certainly with ss10 already.

The kids cannot help inheriting genetics from their bio family and there isn't much anyone can do about that, but it makes me sick to think that the bm in our case and many others on here have chosen to make things worse by causing irrepairable mental/emotional damage to their kids which will affect them for the rest of their lives, and eventually will affect their future partners and children. It's also sad that these attitudes and behaviours get so embedded in these damaged kids they are incapable of trying to change when they get older, so we end up with another generation of screwed-up kids.