It might cause a burden in their hearts that is not worth them carrying as children.

Maybe make sure they know that their father is not a drunk but the rest will eventually come out later in life.

I think they are getting toward the age where it is ok to tell them what really happened if they ask, especially if she is trying to fill their heads with this other hogwash that it is about their dad. I think if she wants to talk shite, she should be prepared for DH to defend himself. Its not like they are babies anymore.

I am just really tired of people protecting those who cause all the problems, then everyone else has to tiptoe around them! That is what allows people to be this way and cause even more problems, imo. Its just more drama when the truth deserves to be told and your DH does not deserve to be insulted like that.

Note though: when my DH finally told our SD the truth about her mom after YEARS of being denigrated with no response, our relationship with both went south, but that is with a mother/daughter combo. I still think its better and it shut BM up when she has to defend herself now.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

If they ask then you should tell them the truth. They don't need another liar in their lives. At the same time only tell them the bare minimum and don't tell them anything they don't need to know. They are going to find out the truth anyway, as they always do, and you don't want them to think that you are a liar.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I would definately address the lies.

I divorced my ex for a number of reasons.

1. He cheated on me many times.

2. He stole (expensive jewelry) from his employer (UPS)

3. I found out he had had intimate relations with one of his sisters when they were teenagers.

Now, my sons, living in the small town we lived in, knew about the affairs. But I never let them in on #2 or #3. The pain would've been too much to bear.

So my youngest son told me his dad said I was the biggest pot user in town when we met. Out and out lie. Never used the stuff-tried it once, didn't care for it. Or any other illegal drugs, for that matter.

I just asked bs where he thought I lived when I was dating his father. He didn't know, of course. So I said-with your grandparents! Do you really think a drug addict could live at your grandparents house, without being kicked out, or without them knowing?

Knowing his grandparents really well, bs laughed. Said he knew his dad way lying, but had to ask to be sure.

I don't know how much other garbage that man fed to my kids. But they know who I am by the way I live, and that alone should counter any false accusations.

How the BM can fill their own child's head with sick sh!t like this. Shouldn't you protect your own child!? I mean, even if the dad had really a drinking problem, why would you try to put your child against the other parent? I don't understand that. and whti lies? WTF? that is not even mean, that is just sick...

If the situation is civilized enough, can you two talk to BM and address this issue with her? to see if she admits that she said such things, and if A) she denies it, then ask the kid in front of her, to say what she told him(them) if she admits it, then talk with her about talking the child and saying that is not true...

The point is that I still don't think that the best solution would be to tell them the truth, I mean, they will grow up and eventually will find out on their own... and will be more mature and easier to explain things to them.
G

I say tell them the truth. However, the 16-and-17-year-old can understand more than the 11-year-old. My SDs asked about why DH and BM are no longer together, and we told them the truth in an age-appropriate fashion. I think that as they get older, we'll tell them more. However, they are starting to do some of that for themselves, because they're seeing how badly she behaves.

they do not need anymore liars in their life. BM told SD that it was SD's fault her parents got divorced - she told SD that SD 'ran her mouth to her father and made him think BM was cheating on him' and that is what cause the divorce. Funny thing is BM wrote DH a 'Dear John' letter and DH let SD read it. Point is those kids need to know the truth - BM has given them a reason to resent her - why let them reset DH due to lies they deserve the truth

I think the kids are old enough to hear the truth..However, they should hear it from their father and he should do so in private..As the SM, I would really go out of my way to make sure that I was not present or apart of that conversation...

It wasn't until skids 17, 15, and 11 came to live with us when SD17 started telling the other 2 the truth about BM....and MAN did the 15 yr old feel stupid....he actually believed that DH left "because he didn't want a family anymore" (yea, that's why they live with us full time )....when he found out it was bcuz BM cheated on their Dad TWICE...he was devastated.....and boy was he embarassed when he was speaking to SD17 and said how BM "dropped out of college to have kids"....and SD17 said...LOL...."ummmm NO...Mom dropped out of school in the 8th grade"...so I think at the age of 15 or so, its fine for these kids to know the truth...he was told lies about his Dad for so many years...now he is closer to DH than anyone :).....the tuth comes out eventually....I say the sooner the better...let everyone be judged on a fair playing field and let these kids make up their own minds

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

My H recently told SS17 the truth about about some things. Everything that I have read has said not to put the kids in the middle, take the high road, don't put the other parent down, etc. I asked H why he told his son that and he said that for a long time all his kids get is what a deadbeat dad he is and what a horrible person I am, blah blah blah. He said it is about time that he hear another side of the story rather than just lying back and taking the high road. I think at 16 and 17 teenagers can figure out who is lying and who isn't. In our case I think the PAS went too far and is causing a bad relationship between my H and his kids.