I don't know how to help my BS20
Self love and self respect isn't something that I can just give to my BS20 as a Christmas gift. I would if I could. I am hurting so bad these days. I am so worried about my BS. His BD and I were divorced when he was 9, and BD wasn't envolved at all he works for the railroad and lived 2 states away from us. BD always said that he couldn't live closer because he had to pay CS. My BS was diagonsed with ADHD when he was very young. I fought putting him on Ritalin until I was faced with teachers, principals, councelors telling me how badly that BS needed the medication. His BD never felt that it was something that BS needed so then I was batteling it with the BD. He wouldn't give him his medication and would tell BS that he didn't need it. Long story short is that there was NO Co-Parenting I was young and on my own with my 2 kids. I will admit I made some very poor choices while raising my son. I have appologized to him I have taken responsilbilty for my actions. My BS went to live with his BD for about 1 1/2yr. Due to BD work he was never home. BS wasn't doing well in school there were a lot of arguments and after 6months BS begged me to let him come home, I finally gave in. The reason I didn't right away was I wanted my BS to have a relationship with BD. It wasn't going to happen though. In the mean time I remarried my ex #2 he was in the military and very abusive. EX #2 physically fought my BS when I wasn't around I knew that it was bad and after 3 yrs we ended up leaving after our lives were threatened. My BS is hurt so bad because of what has happened to him and he is blaming me for the way he is today. He dropped out of school and moved out at 18. He is making bad choices, he never comes home to see me. He doesn't keep a job, brush his teeth and on top of this I have just found out that he was driving someone's car got a ticket, didn't go to court and now he has a warrant out for his arrest. I don't know what to do or what I could do I feel helpless and scared for him. I know that he uses drugs and I just don't know if I should find him, drag him home or what I have my BD16 and skids 10 & 12 to consider but, what about BS20. Is it ok for me to just let him figure out where his bottem is? What if it is to low? I just don't know what I should do or if I can do anything.... Please help.
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There is hope
I had a lot of anger towards my mother for a long time because of the mistakes she made. I had unpleasant (understatement) experiences as a child while my mother just ignored it & let it happen. As an adult I've been able to get my head straight, but only after hitting rock bottom, & a few people I grew up with did the same. You did right to take responsibility & apologize. And I can tell you that 20 is a rough age. Yeah, he's going to have to hit rock bottom before he gets help, but many people do & not only survive it but thrive afterwards. BTW - my mother & I have a really good relationship now.
I think the best thing for you to do is get a counselor or therapist for yourself. Not only will it help you, but it might open the door for him to do the same down the road. And this is probably going to be a rough road for a while, so you'll need all the help you can get. Just remember... therapists are like shoes, you have to shop around to find the right one.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
BS is totally against
BS is totally against counceling. He does nothing with me, there is no accountablity to me what so ever. I have been through counceling but, I can't imagine just going me going for him how would that help him if he isn't active? He thinks I am crazy because I have always tried getting help from councelors this is one of the things he hates about me. I have lots of self help books, go to church and try different things he calls me psychotic. I appreciate what you are telling me I just don't know how to get him to go. I am so scared he is going to get himself in a foxhole and won't know how to get out....
he is an adult now
You can only do what you can at this point and cannot remain in the past,you have taken respondsibility for your part, but it was not all your fault and he si now an adult.
I would suggest perhaps also offering your son guidance by asking do you want a better life? Then let's sit down and discuss what can be doen from this day forwrad to getting there and if there are ways that I can assist you i wilL(THIS DOES NOT MEAN SUPPORTING HIM OR ALLOWING HIM TO ABUSE YOUR OFFER) and see if he is willing to do that,if not ,which i am guessing, tell him you love him and are here for him when he is reday to move forward but that at this point it is his choice.
He had a cell phone for a
He had a cell phone for a little while I would call him and tell him that his family loves him and wants for him to make good choices. I told him that I believe in him he just has to believe in himself. I have challenged him to find somene with childhood similarities that has been successful and find out what that person did to better their life. I tell him I love him every time I talk to him. It is like hard to breath when you see your child hurting themselves the way he does.
And I do agree with you he is an adult I have been at a distance because I don't agree with his life style but, I always tell him that I love him.
I think right now that is
I think right now that is all you can do & the best thing you can do. But he is only 20. I didn't get my crap together until I was about 24.
I'm not saying don't worry. I know that is impossible to do. Just don't give up hope. He is so young & I'm sure he is resilient. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the prayers, I feel like this is my only hope at this point. Or I have thought about trying to take him on Dr. Phil... He was just my little buddy he was the cutest little guy in the whole world and I do love him so very much. I just want him back. I just thought maybe I could get some feed back it is hard to discuss with my BF because he didn't come from disfunction junction...
Boy I can relate
Most people who don't come from dysfunctional families have no clue & are highly judgemental. Even if you're not currently in a dysfunctional situation, when they find out my past it's like they label me. That was a problem I had in Houston... I wouldn't deny my past. It's a part of me & a part of what made me who I am today. Besides, it's not my shame, so why should I act like it?
But that's a different blog altogether.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Our Kids
You know, I think he needs you. I don't think he's so far gone that you have to wait until he hits bottom. (Just yet) It seems that you've all had it pretty rough. It's obvious that all of that stuff in the past has effected him. Have you tried to get him counseling? He sounds like he needs it badly. It's so hard to try and figure out what is the right thing to do, but it sounds like this kid has had so many things let him down in his life he doesn't know how to do it right. I would bring him home, hug him, get him to turn himself in and "pay the fiddler". Then go from there. Find someone to see him, he's got issues he needs to work out.
Good Luck!
I am afraid to bring him
I am afraid to bring him home if he is going to manipulate the rest of the family. I think I need to find out if he is ready to give up and maybe get help. He has always been totally against counceling. We have been in the past and he hates it. I don't know.
from your comments it sounds
from your comments it sounds like your son wouldn't really benefit from coming to live with you. If he does it seems like you might be pretty lax on insisting he pay you rent, have a job, contribute to housework and the rest of your family. It might be very painful, but it sounds like he is not going to become a responsible adult just because you let him come live with you. I would caution you to think long and hard about what the rules would be and how you will enforce them if you let him live with you. You already know that he is using drugs - is that ok for the other kids that live in your house? What about your skids BM? I;m pretty sure no mother, no matter how crazy, would take well to having their preteens in the same house as an admitted drug user.
Nobody can decide for you, but I hope you think long and hard before just letting him move back home. If you feel that counseling helps you, go for yourself, not for your son.
BS has never admitted to any
BS has never admitted to any thing. I don't think it would be fair to any of us to make a move without knowing what our expectations are. I would never just allow him to move in without a signed contract. I already know what the rules would be this would include counseling, school, curfews, chores and respect as well as responsiblitly to the rest of the family. I have offered for him to come home over a year ago and he stated that he wasn't going to be told what to do. He can't handle me being in a relationship because of my bad choices in the past. He won't give me or my BF a chance, we have been together for 2 1/2 yrs.
He had other options and he probably still has the options.
I agree I have a huge amount of respect and responsiblity to the rest of the family members in our home. The safety and security of all of my family members is the upmost importance here to me. I am cautious in my thoughts. I appreciate your response.
Sorry
I thought I read above that you knew about drug use. That would make a difference to me.