Eloping without SD.
My FH and I are getting married shortly, eloping just us alone. SD9 likes me a lot. BM is passive when it comes to conflict, she is just difficult but does not really start drama. With her it's all money, that's all she wants from my FH. Her goal is he pays the max $ and get to see SD the bare minimum. The main issues she causes are preventing him from getting SD for her full visitation times. BM calls and reminds SD that she has a party or activity or family member in the hospital and therefore she must cut visitation short.
However, she has been trying to get my FH to see SD more once she found out we were getting married. They live out of state and the way she is suggesting he visit does not give him much more time with SD but it would take my FH away from me and his home a lot more. Basically she wants him to drive a few hours just to have lunch or dinner with SD on more days rather than get her for a whole weekend. At first thought it seemed like more time and that's how she sold it but it was more frequency and less overall time, it would also mean that he never got her long enough to come to our house (let alone a wedding). He's not really going for it and is just sticking to the current schedule whenever BM is being difficult and planning other things for SD. His thoughts are that if she really wanted him to have SD more she would cooperate instead of bitch.
FH has decided not to tell SD that we are eloping. I think it's a terrible idea but he knows his ex would prevent her from being present and she has been less difficult lately so he doesn't want to incur any wrath. I told him it won't be a secret forever and SD is going to be pissed. In the end it's his choice since it's his kid. If he wanted SD there he would have had to plan for it as I don't communicate with BM. I have no idea what to expect other than a pouty SD. When we do tell SD is it wrong of me to make sure she knows it was her father's choice not to tell her? Stepparents usually get thrown under the bus... it feels strange to think of the other way around!
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We got married without any of
We got married without any of our kids. DD was 8.5 at the time, and although she was disappointed, she was OK with it. I don't think we told the skids (9.5 and 5 at the time) because BM would've tried to ruin it. My Skids are too clueless to GAF. Ultimately, a wedding is an adult thing anyway.
We did do one special thing for DD... I had her pick out a Lego Minifig (It's a thing in our house...) that was "her." I had that minifig wrapped into my bouquet and made sure that I got a picture of it for DD. It was "like she was there." I didn't tell her ahead that's what I was doing, but I did make sure that she knew I was thinking of her, too.
DH and I eloped with just the
DH and I eloped with just the two of us. We did not "exclude" anyone. We just chose to get married with no fuss. Marriage vows are between 2 people. Everything else is optional.
Marriage vows are between 2
Marriage vows are between 2 people.
^^^^^
YEP!
I agree!!
I agree!!
Yep yep! DH and I went to
Yep yep! DH and I went to Vegas. Got married, honeymoon, and vacation. 3 for 1 combo. Best thing ever!
When you elope is it going to
When you elope is it going to be just you and FH or will there be other family there?
FH has decided not to tell SD
FH has decided not to tell SD that we are eloping... When we do tell SD is it wrong of me to make sure she knows it was her father's choice not to tell her?
The whole point of eloping is NOT telling anyone until after it's done. :?
My dad told us he was getting
My dad told us he was getting married to now my ex-stepmom the one summer and the wedding was going to be the following spring. We go for a visit right before x-mas that year they announce they are married and also expecting a kid. my stepsister was present at the ceremony but not my brother or me.
My brother was like 17 and I was 14 I thought it was messed up at the time and brother was annoyed too. We got over it because my dad is of his rocker all the damn time. I will say it did kinda suck.
I think if you are planning on eloping just do it when she comes to visit and do not tell her till she gets there. My opinion.
That wouldn't be eloping
That wouldn't be eloping though
Why would you want to take a
Why would you want to take a kid with you when you elope?
Ultimately it's up to you
Ultimately it's up to you future husband but I would have the kid there.
Does he not have a CO? Why is he letting her get away with this. Not having the daughter there won't change her mother's behavior but you are worried it will upset the girl.
I understand why. Marriage is a big deal. Having a new stepmom can cause alot of feelings to stir up and your first act as a couple will be to exclude her. It's different if she didn't care or you don't want her there.
Really though you've got bigger issues if he's letting BM do this to him. His time is just as important as hers and by giving it up he's letting daughter know that's ok. That he doesn't matter and He's not equal. When BM says nope you can't have her at all and she doesn't want to see you what's he going to do?
I agree with this. It is
I agree with this.
It is your and your future husband's wedding, and so it should exactly as you wish. That being said, I think he's giving FAR too much power to his ex. You can compromise and have your SD be there for a party/dinner afterward and just have the ceremony the two of you, but I do think a child that age should be included in some celebration of her new step-family. The ex already knows you're getting married, that hurdle is over with. It is always going to be something with a high-conflict BM (and sometimes the passive-aggressive ones like yours sounds to be and mine definitely is : ) are more difficult than truly outright "crazy" ones).
What happens when/if you decide to have children? The same pattern will repeat with BM using any change for daughter as a weapon against her ex.
SD was still with her sainted
SD was still with her sainted mother. AS went to school that morning. We married on a Monday and did our honeymoon weekend the week of. We did the JP office since our family could not be there.
I think you just say, "we
I think you just say, "we wanted to keep it just the two of us" and leave it at that.
We married on Monday. Drove
We married on Monday. Drove up to court. And left to honeymoon on Tuesday morning. We both had big weddings the first time around. No thanks. Had no kids and no guests present and no money wasted. Yes some people were probably pissed. Whatever. We are happily married. That what matters
FH and I plan to elope
FH and I plan to elope if/when we marry. We are engaged and he'd do it tomorrow but I want to wait a while longer seeing as we've had so many issues with SD11. She was very excited when we told her we were getting married. Her parents, BM and FH, were never married to each other or to anyone else so I think she found it very exciting that there would be a wedding. While I understand her enthusiasm, she can also be very difficult in group/events and I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it.
We were very honest with SD11 and told her we would be eloping. This ensued some drama in the form of a tantrum and tears, but FH was very upfront with her and told her that a marriage is between two people. I'm sure it won't be the only tantrum and I'm sure other people will be disappointed but both of us travel quite a bit and would prefer to do it out of the country. Honestly though, when I imagine having a ceremony with her there it's really hard for me. We include her in everything we do and there have been so many issues. I just don't think I could deal on THAT day and god forbid there was a (likely) incident I would hate to hold resentment.
I would express your concerns to FH and even seek a professionals opinion if possible on how to handle it but ultimately he is the parent and will have to take responsibility. Congrats and good luck.
Eloping is a fantastic idea.
Eloping is a fantastic idea. And when it comes to telling SD - your FH should be the one to do it. Any by "do it", I mean not throw you under the bus either. This seems to be a concern - and it's a valid one.
I wish DH and I would have eloped. We had a friend set to marry us, and two friends as witnesses present. FIL and MIL caught wind of this and showed up! It was the worst.
And that's how I think skid found out about us getting married before DH even had the chance to tell her. MIL told skid. Which was odd, because by that time, skid had already been home from her summer visitation with us for about a week.
BM sent a scathing email to DH stating she "overheard skid (then almost 9) telling her friends that her dad got married. That she wasn't invited", and that skid began to cry.
It was just a fabricated story. Skid wasn't the one upset - BM was.
We talked about eloping...
We talked about eloping... then we talked about just doing it at home, with a few close friends and family. Things evolved... we're now expecting 60 people. Not sure how that happened...lol
My kids know, my family knows, SO's family knows, our friends know - everyone who needs to know, knows - even my ex knows - but BM doesn't know.
We haven't really told SS what's going on. Not because we don't want to, but because we know he doesn't really understand what it all means, anyways, and we don't want him to repeat it to BM.
dh and i eloped. it was
dh and i eloped. it was fabulous. no one knew - we took off for the weekend, and when we got back in town headed over to MIL's, where the boys were, and we told them all.
on our one-year anniversary, we had a ceremony with the family and a few close friends - with maybe 20 people - and a small catered reception afterwards that lasted an hour or two.