My DH is a BEC
(B*tch eating crackers)
My last post made me realize that I hate everything that my husband does lately. He's just so goddamn positive and optimistic. He acts as though he is living a perfect life and has a perfect family with me our kids and SD. We hardly ever see SD so he's kind of in denial about that but I can't get over the fact that he is happy and I am so not. I've come to realize his happiness comes at my expense, we don't get happy together.
Maybe I'm just that amazing as a wife and a mom. Maybe he's full of shit and he is trying to do the whole words of affirmation thing thinking it's my love language (it's not). Maybe he really does have a wonderful perfect life with me. I've voiced my concerns to him, don't think I've just been keeping it all in and bitching online. I've talked to him about just about everything that I'm unhappy with. His response is usually some sort of positive platitude or that I can handle it because I'm amazing or strong or smart or whatever the situation calls for.
I just feel disconnected like he doesn't really know me or care to know me I'm just an accessory to his perfect life. Accomplished wife, happy cute kids, nice house and a dog. I feel like he has these things but I don't. I'm just here and I'm just staff to him and the kids. He gets to enjoy life and I don't. I asked him for help and he just tells me how amazing I am and that I can handle it. It's patronizing like he's a lousy boss and I'm a teenager working my first job. Or he's a lousy parent trying to give me encouragement but without giving me actual teaching or help. Oh wait he is a lousy parent. He's outsourced the parenting of SD to BM and he's outsourced the parenting of our kids to me. He's also outsourced any sort of emotional support to my family and friends. If I have any sort of problem he always asks if I've talked to them about it. I'm tired of maintaining his perfect life for him.
I've read about this in other places and the term is "toxic positivity."
- SeeYouNever's blog
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Well, shoot, why shouldn't he
Well, shoot, why shouldn't he be happy, he doesn't have any responsibilities.
He's also outsourced any sort of emotional support to my family and friends. If I have any sort of problem he always asks if I've talked to them about it.
I can't get over this. ^^^ "No, Mother F^cker, I'm trying to talk to YOU about it." What a jerk.
Sounds like he lives in some sort of denial and wants to stay there, hence the positive platitudes when you come to him with your unhappiness. Telling you that you are strong and can handle it, means that he doesn't want to deal with it. Basically, he's telling you to get over it.
I've read that toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting. Also, the person is usually hiding how they really feel. If that's what he's doing, how long can he keep it up before he blows?
He wants his “ HAPPY FAMILY”
House, wife, white fence, 1 1/2 dogs He didn't have it with his ex or else its would not be the ec.
You are part of his picture. How you handle it, that up to you.
You feel right on what's going on. He wants it. But will not work for it.
You must also understand This will never change.
I have a jumble of thoughts
I have a jumble of thoughts on this that are hard to express.
Let's just say that I was once in the relationship you describe and I ended it. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I never figured out if he was a narcissist with "preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate", or if he was just shallow or stupid, but I will say that he did have a very limited capacity for empathy.
I am an mbti N type and he was an S type, that's for sure. Some people joke that the S stands for simple, stupid, or shallow. Maybe it was just a compatibility problem? Dunno....
It took me a long time to end it because he didn't drink, smoke, gamble, take drugs, abuse me physically, waste money, etc. But by the time it was over, I was exhausted by the total lack of support I received. Take care of youself. Even if someone isn't overtly abusive, the daily lack of support can take a huge toll. I was on the edge of the abyss, very nearly sucked into the black hole at the center of our universe.
He was a fair weather friend. He wanted all the perks of the relationship without any of the work. I never felt like he knew who I was as a person, let alone cared about me. He had no idea what my love language was.
If you feel that way, be careful how long you stay. By the time you realize it, you will be in a lot of pain.
I think it is how you're
I think it is how you're describing. He's a fair weather husband. He wants to be there for all the positive and nice and happy parts Whenever it starts to get a little tough or require a little bit more work either physically or emotionally especially emotionally He just checks out and makes himself busy with other things. We don't have fights He doesn't try to hurt me He's not bad in any of the traditional ways He's just not there. But he's happy and positive so it seems like he's there. I don't know It's like being puppet or something. There's just nothing below the surface. And it just feels so lonely.
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It must feel like you could be just anybody, it wouldn't really matter to him.
You deserve to be loved and cherished in your relationship, for who you are. Not just a cardboard cutout for the "happy family picture".
(As you're going out the door
(As you're going out the door with a packed bag in your hand) "Hey, honey, I'm off to spend the weekend with mum/sister/friend/other. They need a hand with (whatever)/I could do with the break. I am so glad that I know you can deal with the kids by yourself! Won't it be fun for you all? See you on Monday!" And leave. Play him at his own game - get him to do stuff you don't want to do and praise him to high heaven for being capable.
I was with my exBF for over
I was with my exBF for over 3yrs and can relate to the complete emotional neglect. Over time it just wore me down. It was always about him and never about me. He also had this need to show perfection to the world.
The breaking point was when I had taken time off from work to take care of him after his surgery and when it was my turn he said he was too busy with work. He was his own boss BTW and only worked 3 days a week. I purposely scheduled my surgery for one of his usual days off.
We never fought or argued, he never reacted to anything except when he was embarrassed. You could see it in his face he was angry even though he still never said a word.
After I finally ended it I learned he was a covert/ vulnerable narcissist. I am not a Stepford wife and nor will I ever be.