Toxic victim or just bitter?
So SD22 is still here, but tomorrow she gets on a plane to go back to BM. Overall, SD's latest crisis is running SO about $7k. He paid off her payday loans and he's going to send BM money to buy her a car.
Since she's been here, SO has either taken her to a restaurant or picked up take-out of her choice for every single thing she's eaten. He has gotten so full from these lunches that he hasn't been hungry to eat with me. Dinner is sort of our thing, we usually make it a point to cook and eat together (with his kids of course) every night. Tomorrow SO starts another week of nights so we won't really have any time until week after next.
Today, he took me to lunch since i'm off but had to order SD a meal too. He asked me to carry it out and i just couldn't hold it in. I kept making comments like "wow, she's eaten like a king this whole trip, hasn't she?" He got mad and said he never begrudges my kids anything, she's depressed so she can only eat really good food, why can't i just be supportive, etc.
I really do feel like shit. Little snide comments isn't me. Or didn't used to be. I've been researching "toxic victim" after reading it on this site and i wonder if that's what i'm turning into. I do realize that i have the power to make my own choices and make myself happy, and i don't feel like i'm unluckier or more "put upon" than others, as i know many people have it worse. So, idk. Maybe i'm just becoming bitter? Either way, something has to change. I know once SD is gone, she won't be a problem for a while. I don't want to break up just yet, as i do think SO has learned some lessons.
I guess i just feel guilty for being so negative and i want to take back my power and be happy again. I've made some lists of things i can do to meet my own needs and turn it around. We aren't married and don't live together, and i have limited the time i spend at his house this week. Has anyone reading been in a really bitter place and come back from it? What are some things (small or large) that you did? I am done being this person. I have to be. I don't like myself right now.
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Why should you feel GUILTY
Your SO just spent the last few week kissing his DD A*s. Putting DD above you, and your relationship. When you question him about he gaslights you by saying " he never begrudges my kids anything, she's depressed so she can only eat really good food, why can't i just be supportive, etc.". What does that actually mean? Your and SO food is not really good food? Only Mickey D food is really good ?
Yoi must realize you have a SO problem. He is not willing to change anything, so nothing is going to change. Except DD will cost more. 7 k now who knows the next time.
Your problem is, this will never change except you will be supporting SO because he supporting DD. So either you continue this relationship, knowing you will be second, you will get the left overs, leftover time, leftover money, leftover feelings. Or start looking for someone else. Not so damage. It's only up to yoi, it's your life
That's my fear and it's why i
That's my fear and it's why i won't move forward. We split before but he changed, for 6-ish months anyway. But now this. I know the problem isn't SD as much as it is how SO has this weird dynamic of both coddling and neglect at the same time (or alternating between the two), but handing me the bag just pushed me over the edge. That B can make a sandwich or fry an egg once in a while.
What I did
You're already employed but when I felt like you did, I started night school and also went back to work full time. It didnt resolve the home situation but the two things got me out of there for a good chunk of my time. Full time employment meant I was looking better (improved grooming and career clothes) which also helped. Earning my own money made the financial power issue more fair. Working all day, in a quiet office, with (mostly) mature adults was a balm after spending my days with 5 kids. And, between the work and college coursework, I couldn't give as much brain space to toxic people in my life. This period coincided with the time where I disengaged from YSS so DH had to step up even more. The balance in our marriage changed with me being less dependent, better looking and not as available.
That's the kind of thing i'm
That's the kind of thing i'm thinking. Something new. Once the weather is better i'm getting outside more, gardening and hiking.
I’m living a similar situation.
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You can't change enough to
You can't change enough to fix toxic behavior in someone else. The only thing changing yourself does is make you more readily accepting of the toxic behavior. You're not changing because it's good for you; you're changing so that his toxicity feels less painful. That's all.
Damn. I don't want to become
Damn. I don't want to become a Stepford girlfriend. My goal is to be more mentally healthy so that either the relationship gets healthier or i feel no doubt about walking away. Plus i just want to be happier.
Changing to give yourself
Changing to give yourself clarity is a good thing. Just make sure that you do it because it's good for YOU. Not because it helps him. Not because it's what a GF should do. If you can't do that because you'll want to help him or make things easier, then you need to physically distance yourself more. That includes turning off your phone, cancelling dinner plans, turning down dates, etc.
Getting away from my toxic first marriage meant physically getting away. Being in my ex's presence clouded my brain. He KNEW how to get me to cave, how to push my buttons, how to make me feel bad, etc. Not having him there where I could think clearly made a world of difference.
Part of my plan is to maybe
Part of my plan is to maybe take a hiking trip alone. I like finding different minerals and plants, and identifying birds and animals. SO hates all that. It will also give me time away from him to think.
Just for devil's advocate
Just for devil's advocate purposes. He says he has never denied your kids.. well, what level of support or help have they needed or asked for? If you have also bailed your kids out.. helped them to the tune of thousands and treat them to special meals for all of their visits.. then he may have a point.. to some extent.
BUT.. I bet the other kids aren't needy like that.. don't demand such special treatment. haven't cost thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat.
And.. I guess it also does matter a little bit what your overall financial situation is. is 7K a lot to you? it is to most of us here.. but maybe you and/or your DH are of pretty good means and it's not missed?
I might have been a bit curt about it and said.
DH, you know that's apples to oranges... the other kids don't ever ask us for this kind of help and support and I get wanting to help your child.. I do. I can see the wanting to take her to a nice meal to sooth her hurt feelings... BUT there is a difference between a little help like when I went to rescue her and a nice meal and you spending thousands on paying off loans and ensuring she gets only the choicest meals for a solid week plus that she lands in our laps. Don't you dare put the other kids much more minor asks and gifts in the same category as you falling all over yourself to throw money at your daughter's problems.. so she will never figure out how to fix things on her own.
I might also say.. I love you, but you have not been a very good partner lately, I know SD needed your support, but that doesn't mean I didn't need you to support me too.
We aren't married and don't
We aren't married and don't live together, so for me, it's not the money that bothers me, though if we were married it might. It's the way he allows her crisis to completely disrupt everything. He's feeding into her behavior by rewarding it, and ignoring not just me, but his 2 boys. As little as he's seen me, he's seen them even less. SS18 has been sent to drive-thrus for him and SS11, while SO and SD22 gorge themselves at nice restaurants. SS11 threw a major fit last night, bad even for him, and i think it's because of the ignoring. SO lavishes attention on whoever he is "saving", and everyone else can rot. The only way for these kids to get attention is to act appallingly. The cycle repeats with the next one, and there are 4.
He does do things for my kids, but it's cases where he is doing something for his and since mine are there, he does for them, too. I'm lucky in that my kids haven't needed any bail-outs. My son goes to college on scholarship (full tuition but not fees) and my dad helps him with living expenses, but if my dad weren't there he would go near home and live at home. I cover my daughter. Honestly, though, i don't disagree with SO bailing SD out if this is like a "one and done" situation, like, ok, you screwed up, here's your chance to start fresh. Just this once. But, the way he is babying her not only makes me want to vomit but also makes me fear this will be a JRI's SD situation and she will be this way until she qualifies for AARP.
Amen
I hope not, for your sake. It is truly sickening
Every time i read about yours
Every time i read about yours, though, I see SD22. That's why your story stands out so much in my mind.
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Well others have said it well
You can try twisting yourself into a pretzel, but it will never be enough. You have to do for YOU and your bios.
Ive been hiking every weekend, and DH goes fishing with his BFF. I no longer fight for time with him.
ive been not cooking for he and BFF. He can order whatever...
ive not been cleaning, either. I just do for me now. Im working on my health and my own well being. When he goes into impatience, I mention it. So Im more conversational without emotion.
And its really been an eye-opener.
It sounds like you are taking
It sounds like you are taking the steps i plan to take. If nothing else, you are doing things you enjoy and not suffering through time with people you don't want to hang out with (SDs and BFF.)
OP, I think it's good that
OP, I think it's good that you want to get out and do some new things - but have the mindset that you are doing them for YOURSELF, your personal growth etc.
Don't think you have to do them because you're afraid that you're bitter and toxic and it's affecting your not so darling partner etc.
BTW, who the hell needs to eat very expensive food, restaurant and takeout because they're depressed?? LMAO at that pitiful excuse your SO made!
Personally I am starting to
Personally I am starting to feel like a person with PTSD! All the bad things never really go away but sta in our heads and I swear reading Cloves comment about walking 10 steps behind DH and SD brought back so many memories of that happening to me.
And like you I am starting to think things will never get better. The things that bother me may change but at the end of the day I see a lifetime of BS surrounding SD. I am holding out to see how they do change after she graduates. If they get even liitle better I will stay. If they start getting worse I fully intend to walk away.
At least your SD lives away and visits are limited. I have to deal with SD beingin m life ever single week and she will never ever move away!
Neither. It's not you, it's him and his baggage.
Rumple, I think many of us have had that one relationship where the attraction/chemistry/addiction was so strong, but it just wasn't meant to be. You're intelligent, articulate, and responsible, so it's kind of surprising you're still so invested in this guy. He's a shi!!y, dysfunctional parent who lives drama and doesn't put you first. Culturally you're worlds apart, you dont respect him, and IMO he can't change because there are too many other people in his world who won't change with him. They simply do what they do, and will continue to down the generations. HE'S the toxic one, but I bet he's not engaged in self criticism like you are.
The thing you ought to be focusing on is, why him? Why are you drawn to this guy when he's clearly not good for you, and why do you keep chasing? I was married for over a decade before realizing that my DH is just like my stepdad, who was an influential person in my childhood. He made me feel safe, and my DH does, too. I think you really need some time apart to clear your head and examine why you do what you do. Once you identify what draws you to this messed up man, you'll be better equipped to do what's best for you. ((hugs))
You're right. I'm currently
You're right. I'm currently sitting in his uncle's living room with the kids while SO and his family converse in their language and drink. Why the fk did i even come? I don't fucking belong here. ETA it was for hours and when we finally left, he said he was telling them about his problems with his brother and BM2 (the one from their country). He got so caught up in the drama, all excited, that he completely ignored me for hours. One cousin talked to me for a while but then she got tired, and went to her room. I think she felt obligated since the rest of the adults were speaking their language. Which i have tried to learn and i know some, but it's not one you can take a class on and the CDs i bought were in another dialect. You can't find educational materials in their dialect so i'm basically translating what they say into what i learned from the CDs, then to English in my mind. And here i am whining again, which is what i'm trying not to do!
OP, can you just get up and
OP, can you just get up and go home?
Just do it. Now.
We finally left. I told him
We finally left. I told him it's getting late and the kids have school. His kids, who were also just sitting there oblivious to their BM drama convo. Except SD, who is still a secret and is out partying with her friends on her last night of vacation, i mean crisis intervention.
I am really sad for you. You
I am really sad for you. You come across as a kind, lovely person and you do not deserve this.
You are way way too good for this guy.
Thank you. I'm not even mad,
Thank you. I'm not even mad, even though i'm shaking. This is just too much, too hard.
This is one of my pet peeves!
This is one of my pet peeves! My DH and his family are completely bilingual - yet they sometime don't use English when they are around me. I find it rude and called him out on it a few times when we were first together. One time I left a gathering when I was completely left out. He rarely does it now, because I made it clear I wouldn't stand for it. You deserve better!
Well, i said something to SO
Well, i said something to SO about it. This time it was a full hour. He accused me of not respecting his culture because i should have understood his cultural need to explain to his uncle why he and his brother aren't speaking (it's because of BM2.) For a whole hour. He said he couldn't have just told me that's what he was doing (like hey, i really need to talk to my uncle about x, can you give us a few minutes?) because the subject "just came up." He said he thinks i'm too immature to handle a relationship with him amd all his obligations. Maybe that's true, but i think it will be better to have no relationship than to be miserable all the time.
I don't care if he's a human
I don't care if he's a human tripod, nothing is worth putting! up with this bs. This guy is not someone you can build a future with.
I can't imagine growing old
I can't imagine growing old with this mess.
SO said i've been sheltered and that's why i can't handle his life. Sheltered from what? Problems with my own kids, ex, and siblings?
He said i should make his life easier, not harder. Yeah, i want that, too. Or, i could accept my life being made a little harder by a relationship, but this was every single day. It was always something. I woke up this morning thinking i would be a lot sadder.
So... should he not make your
So... should he not make your life easier? is it easy to entertain yourself in a room full of people intent on excluding you with their language?
Honestly, if it were just the skid... and she doesn't live with you... I would be more inclined to tough it out. But.. he's an ass on his own.
The thing is, it wasn't the
The thing is, it wasn't the uncle and his wife who were excluding me. It was SO. He was going on and on about his problems with his brother, his cousins, and BM2. Part of it, i think, was he didn't want his boys to know what he was saying. He said he had to explain it to the uncle so he would know why SO didn't come to a different gathering. If SO had just told me "hey, i need to tell them about this situation", or maybe not taken so damn long. He was caught up in the drama and going on and on. The uncle amd his wife just looked tired. They hardly said a word. And honestly, their English isn't the best. SO does have family that i think do try to exclude me (the ones SO was talking about who are loyal to BM), but this was 100% SO.
I think that in your case you
I think that in your case you are 100% justified in how you feel.
I also think that you are right in understanding that the only person that can fix your outlook and happiness is you. That being said, focusing on your happiness is probably going to lead to you ending this relationship since it is the root cause of your stress, anxiety and unhappiness. That is ok if that is what happens. I know you love him but love isn't enough. Taking a step back, thankfully you don't live together, and just being a little busy. Plans with just your kids. Plans with just your friends. Plans for something for just YOU. I think shifting your focus will do wonders for you. Just make sure that these moves are for you and your kids. Not for anyone else.
I think the only toxic victim
I think the only toxic victim here is your SD...I can't believe your DH is shelling out that much cash for his adult child. He's just enabling her poor choices.
Also, the line, "she's depressed, so she can only eat really good food" made me laugh out loud. What a bunch of baloney.
That line got me too
"she's depressed, so she can only eat really good food" *ROFL*
The two phones thing made me pause too. In her case it sounds shady but I laughed thinking that I must look shady to people. I've had two phones since forever. One from work and one personal.