I'm sure that BM is ready to take me down
I'v raised my two SS's for 14 years, 11 as SM. They are 19 & 17. I've been very consistant in how I deal with them. It has been said by my husband and me for years that after graduation that if they don't go into higher education, they have two months to find a place of their own and move out on their own.
SS19 tried to put it off, playing on dads sympathy. He was working, and paying a small rent. He kept looking at cars, but he was playing so fast and loose with his money. I told him that unless he could get a loan on his own forget it for the meantime and save his money. Well dad co-signed a loan. He since then maxed out one credit card to $1,000 plus and did the same with a card we didn't even know he still had to $2,500 plus.
He seemingly only went to college so he wouldn't have to move out. My husband's parents gave each of their grandchildren $10,000 each for education, from the estate of thier uncle. Their uncle commited suicide after years of untreated depression so as you can imagine it's a touchy subject. It seems like SS19 didn't even try to succeed, at the end of his first year his grades were horrible. B,C,C,D,D,D,F,F,F,F,F,F. A grade point average of 0.26 out of a possible of 5. After discussion, we told him he could find a place of his own by the end of January. He moved out immediatly and is now finding it tough to make due.
We have decided to take the car away before it is reposessed and my husband is left on the hook for payment. I've worked a budgt for him and if he follows it he could be out of debt in 18 to 24 months. Now I am taking over the remainder of the loan, around $6,500 for a car that I would have never purchased.
This is the kicker, BM has it figured out that I'm to blame for all of it. Why didn't I moniter SS19 better, stop the car purchase, make him do his studies, and make him pay down his debt. I want to know why didn't she do anything. Why didn't she open her doors to him and let him stay with her. Why didn't she talk to him? I really tried, and it will beak my heart if he pulls away from me.
- Sherrylyn's blog
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Comments
Tough Love
It seems that no matter what we as SM do, there's always a side-line quarterback (via the BM) giving advice on what we should have, could have, done better. I wouldn't acknowledge the BM inquiries with a response, if she wasn't there along the way of her own son's path. To stand up afterwards and criticize is the easy way out.
Your SS is probably going to pull away from you, but kids do that whether they are bio or not. It's the age, combined with his embarrassement for making such bad decisions (which he may not recognize as embarrassment). Don't let the distance he demonstrates effect your unconditional love for him. He'll come around; they usually do. It takes time and that amount of time is different for everyone.
From what I've read, you've made the right decisions as best as you can when the BD is really the one that enabled his son. It's hard practicing tough love; it's really hard, but in the long run your SS will appreciate this. Good luck and stay tough/strong/loving.