I've recently come to the realization that its not just my DH that does and says terribly manipulative things in order to "protect me" from his family or vice versa. My own father, whom I dearly love, has recently started lying or bending the truth to suit his needs. He suffers from some sort of neurological degenerative disease in his old age, but refuses to admit that anything is wrong. He lets it slip that he has to see a neurologist every month but when I ask why, he makes excuses. I finally realized he is deliberately hiding things from me and my sister, but I am the more perceptive one so he worries more about talking to me. I also think he is ashamed of having memory issues so he tries to cover it up by claiming I am "making stuff up" when I mention that we had plans that he forgot, or bringing up things he said to me last week. 

Once, on Christmas, he invited himself over for family Christmas dinner at our house at the last minute during Covid lockdown, after he repeatedly said no to us when we offered to sit on our front porch and wear masks to exchange gifts, to allay his fears about catching covid. (We are all vaccinated.) He still refused, so we respected his Covid fears and made plans without him. If he had wanted to come over and have dinner at the table with us, he could have, but he acted paranoid and said any contact with the outside world would kill him. Then he calls at the last minute and when I am confused as to why he is changing his mind, he gets mad and says "Well, if YOU don't want to see me, I won't come over!" 

My DH said he is probably trying to shield us from his medical condition because he doesn't want us to worry or offer him help. He is old school, and wants to retain his independence and dignity. I understand that, but why would my dad assume that I wouldn't respect his wishes if he shared his illness with me? That is what really hurts.

Then, on Christmas morning, he videochatted with my sister and told her that we "insisted he come over for dinner, but that he told us absolutely no because he could "die of covid" if we were infected. He knows she is a complete germaphobe and that covid sets her off, so he deliberately pitted her against me on Christmas. She called and yelled at me for doing that, and when I told her that is not how it happened, she didn't believe me. She doesn't believe my father has a degenerative disease because she lives in another state and hasn't seen him on a regular basis. She doesn't even know he walks with two canes now due to balance issues.

I've noticed my DH ascribes to the same philosophy of "A real man protects his family from the truth at all costs." He has told me he feels it is his duty as a father and husband to not share bad news with us. To me, this is lying and manipulating the truth. To him, it seems heroic, somehow, like an honorable oath.  Why is this philosophy of manhood so prevalent? Doesn't anyone see how damaging this is to one's family being able to trust you?  I am so fed up with the men in my life right now, but I know I don't have much time left with my father, so I try to let it go and just be kind. To me, though, it seems so selfish. My father was never a selfish man when I was growing up, why has he gotten so selfish in his old age?  Why does his "legacy" mean more than the feelings/relationship of his daughters?