I am a good person for now...
I could have bad mouthed BM to sKids but I refrained for now, the oldest is only 7. I would rather he form his own opinions of BM.
Last night at Dinner I told DH that I was committed to him. SS7 chimed in and asked me what committed means. I frequently use big words so I have a dictionary app on my phone and we look up the definitions sometimes so I can explain it to SS7. After defining it SS7 sighed and said that he remembers when DH was committed to BM and asked what happened. DH froze and I just smiled.
I told him that some times things change. There were unforeseen circumstances. Which I had to also explain as meaning something that no one saw coming and it changed their commitment.
I have told myself that I would never lie to the sKids but that sounded better than the line the BM gave DH when she told him she wanted a divorce. She said she wanted her life back then she went out drinking a lot and left DH home alone with the kids 2 and 4 at the time. I know it true because I found the check book from that year, there where a lot of cab fairs.
Honestly I hope SS7 forgets all that at some point in his life other wise he may come to see her for who she really is - the person that was never there and argued all the time with his dad.
At the end I added that I was deeply committed not only to DH but to them and I wasn't going any where - ever!
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Divorce reaks havoc on kids.
Divorce reaks havoc on kids. SD5 was 2 when her parents split. To this day, she still asks why Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore, and sometimes cries.
She loves me, and I love her; but she knows I'm not her mom. Our relationship is different. They just don't understand it.
Good for you for being a bigger person and keeping the trash talk out. We do the same thing in our house. We explain that sometimes parents are better at loving their kids when they aren't together anymore, and that nothing that happened between mommy and daddy was their fault.
Now, when the kids come over saying "Mommy said that daddy broke her heart and he doesn't love her so she'll be alone forever and we'll never had a stepDAD" .. that's a different story. We tell them that it's okay for mommy to be angry, but these are things for grown-ups to discuss and deal with, not kids. Mommy and daddy love the kids all the same no matter where they live.
3 years and counting since the divorce .. and we STILL deal with this.
Yeah BM told me the other day
Yeah BM told me the other day it was 4 years but it's actually 3.5. I am sure it's 4 for her since I think she was over it long before she told DH. BM doesn't play the heart break card since She left him, but she likes to tell people that it was mutual. I believe my husband when he say that he did not what the divorce but he also see now that it was for the better.
When ss7 was 5 some on his class asked him why he had two houses and he told them that it was because his mom and dad argue a lot, so I think he knows in his heart why it fell a part.
After the divorce BM moved in right away with a man, whom she is now married to. But has always told the boys that he is their dad too. So when I started dating DH SS7 asked me if I was going to be his new mom, it freaked me out because like you said it's not the same. I do love the boys but they are not mine and I do get annoyed with them at time.
Oh and out BM - it's in her
Oh and out BM - it's in her head it was mutual - likes to put it in SS7's head that we should all get together and do stuff. Like one big happy family. I just shake my head. I think it would be awkward personally and I have told BM that. But I told SS7 that it was because some times mom and dad don't play well together, just like he and SS5 don't play well at times.
SD10 can plainly see why her
SD10 can plainly see why her parents aren't together anymore. She knows she was an unexpected surprise, she's not dumb, she can do the math and she's seen pictures of herself at their wedding at 6 months old. She knows that her mom had just graduated high school and dad had to drop out of college. She knows they would have never married if it hadn't been for her, little does she know her mother planned it that way. She sees the rampages her mom goes on against her dad. She once said to me, "Hullabaloo, you and daddy never fight." Me, "No, there's really no reason to. We disagree and sometimes we get upset, but we talk about it, there is nothing so important to yell about." SD10, "Mom and her BF fight all the time over stupid stuff, like using the computer. Actually, she likes to argue with everybody, this one time at the Verizon store. . ." She sees that they don't get along, they lead completely different lives, he is with a woman COMPLETELY different than her mother.
I guess I should be thankful that she doesn't really have any memory of them being together other than what she's seen on video and in pictures. She never pulls that, "Remember when you loved Mommy" crap, most of her trips down memory lane are because she wants to show me how cute she was. She is a little self obsessed, loves to look at pictures of herself.
I do think kids of divorce (I am one them) have a tendency to wish for a different life, a simpler life that didn't include switching houses every few days, trying to remember which house has which toys and clothes, etc. So they become nostalgic for even a sliver of that "happy" life they remember or they think about what they would have had if mom and dad hadn't divorced. But it can make SM or SF feel uncomfortable or like an outsider, understandably so.
7 years old is tough, they are still pretty young but at the same time they are old enough to start to be told that sometimes things just don't work out, from what you say in your post, I think you did an excellent job diffusing the situation.
Good for you Neko! You were
Good for you Neko! You were honest and firm about things.
Eventually, maybe...SS will see her for what she is. Sadly, I wouldn't hold my breath. My skids have a pretty rotten life because of BM but they still speak of their "mama" and have stars in their eyes when they do it...at 7 and 10
A person is good when
A person is good when christmas pictures images he is doing some thing good for others,and he will be a good person in real means only when the other persons christmas greetings wishes use this word for him.