Neglect or just annoying?
Neglect or just annoying?
I have been thinking about this for some time. It popped in my head again today after getting into it with BF about what was important to him. He hates some of the things that BM does with their kids but doesn't do anything about it but complain. I know that he doesn't have the money for a lawyer to take her to to court and get custody changed. But still ....
SO I have been keeping a notebook since December. I have written down all BM's odd behavior but more importantly how to treats the kids. But I don't know if I should call CPS or if I am just over reacting because I don't like her. So here are just a few things that she has done and please some one tell me if it's neglect or just annoying.
- SS3 has HIGH FUNCTIONING Autism but she told the counselor at the school (while in a meeting for SS5) that he was 'really bad'. (with details about how bad he was) BF had to correct her.
- SS5 teacher brought up an attention problem (that you can clearly see he has) but she said that she didn't know anything about it and was 'blind sided' when it was brought up (also BF brought it up in the LAST meeting about SS5)
- SS5 had eczema and every time she drops him off it's bad some times it's really bad - like open sores and bleeding bad - I have pictures of his back and legs. It's usually cleared up with OVER the COUNTER Lotion (like Aveeno) in 2 days.
- She walked out of a doctor's appointment with SS3 because he was throwing a fit, never went back in or rescheduled.
- She feed SS5 so much candy before dropping him off with BF that it made him sick.
- She told SS5 the BF makes her cry.
- She refuses to take SS5 to karate - which we signed him up for to help with his attention problem.
- McD's and BK are food groups at her house. So are Pizza and chicken nuggets.
- SS5 is always tired when she drops him off, clearly fatigued. But is usually better by the weekend, only to go back to her house again.
- SS3 is not potty trained yet, (he's almost 4) I take him when we have him and he always throws a fit but he will go if you stay at it and don't give in to him.
- SS5 tells me that he is not going to school today (or tomorrow in some cases) because he is (or is going to be) sick.
- One day she feed SS3 so much junk food and when BF offered to buy him lunch she said that he didn't need lunch he had enough snacks to last until dinner.
- She doesn't always dress them for the right weather. On Halloween it was freezing and they had knit pants/wind breaker pants and long sleeve knit tops under their costumes (no coats) and one day SS5 showed up to BF's house in her boyfriend's dirty socks.
- She lets SS3 cry and scream to the point there he vomits on himself - according other - because he has never done that for BF.
There is more but that is just a few. If you add in her odd behavior and possible mental issue too.
Here is something that is just annoying...
SS5 said that BM asked him if I was good to him.
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Comments
I fully understand how you
I fully understand how you guys would feel.
I had some serious issue with how my ExH was taking care of our BD. When she was a baby she had rashes all the time upon coming home to me. Yeast infections, wouldn't eat dinner because ExH would feed her M&M's and Mt. Dew. When BD was 5 yrs old i had to take her to the hospital after being with me for 3 days for being so dehydrated she had the deer in the headlights look.
I truly feel your pain & frustration and unfortunately, unless there is a cause for emergency (abuse, losing weight, etc) you & your BF have no control over what happens in HER house. My exH also lacked common sense in that he would travel long distance with BD not in a care seat & refused to take mine .... that is until after the 3rd time of calling the police on him & getting fined -- he started using one and taking mine if he forgot his.
It is so upsetting and heart wrenching, but at this time it is just annoying. Keep your list though - if BM does make a big mistake - that list will be important to show ongoing lack of parenting.
And about the comment "SS5 said that BM asked him if I was good to him." -- i hope he said yes!!!! Maybe if she is insecure with her parenting she'll step it up & become a better one!!!!!
I must say - in my case i really appreciate my BD's SM -- she takes good care of my BD and she knows it!!! I just called her a few days ago & told her again
Most items are more annoying
Most items are more annoying than neglect.
A note on exzema- both my DD's are cursed with a form of this, both have been extremely bad to the point they were raw in my care- all while they were being treated with cream both prescribed and not. They are seriously sensitive and a change in soap, shampoo, detergent, fabric softener or hard water problems will create issues that the cream won't cure.
All items listed ate very frustrating and hard to keep cool about. DH used to complain and complain........he can not control what went on in her house and knew custody change would not happen without a serious infraction on her part.
Some of it could be PAS some could be just trying to get info.
Are you sure you're not me?
Are you sure you're not me? That sounds eerily familiar (except the Autism part). It sounds like it's more being annoyed than anything. My DH's ex is now living in fear because we've threatened to call CPS on her, even though we have no intention of ever doing so. Our main concern isn't so much the being dirty thing as it is the she's not feeding them properly thing. SS's are 9 and 11, though, so she's freaking out because they're old enough to be taken seriously in court, even though they're both habitual liars. And between SS11 complaining about EVERYTHING all the time and the fact that SS9 can't ever keep his mouth shut, she's scared someone is going to call CPS on her. Your BM situation makes her sound pretty dumb, maybe she'll fall for a fake threat to call CPS. Having her live in fear is so awesome AND it takes care of the whole husband refusing to do anything about it thing because it only has to be threatened once, so he really doesn't have to bust his ass that hard to keep on top of it.
If you really feel the kids
If you really feel the kids aren't being fed properly, call CPS. Its anonymous anyways so shed never know it was you. The doctors office, if theyre doing their job, wouldve called CPS if it was a serious appointment (ie mandatory shots) and in school- teachers are required to report any inkling of abuse.
SO really, its up to you and how "annoying" you want to be to her...
Thanks guys. I figured it
Thanks guys. I figured it was more annoying that abuse, but I am going to keep taking notes we fear that she may go for full custody at some point - right now it's 50/50 (every other week). And I would want to bring all this up to a judge because if she had them full time these things might be more of an issue.
The boys are due for a check up soon. BF got the notices in the mail, because he has insurance on them. I told him to set the appointments up and then just tell her when they are (which is what she does to us), but we are trying to figure out if it would be better to set it up on our week or mid to late in the week when she has them so the doc can see first hand how she cares for them. And then we can 'treat' them for the issues related to being with their BM. (the eczema, fatigue, 'autism', and I think one may have a little ADD or ADHD which is made worse by being tired all the time) Now I know I can't go because BM will freak out but I can make friendly suggestions to BF about what to bring up/ask while there. I know anything he says she will freak out about and clam to 'know nothing about it' just like with his attention issues at school.
My biggest concern is SS5 he has this really weird thing that he does. he runs back and forth or bounces and makes this weird noise. I have started telling him "no running in the house" and he will say 'ok' but then 5 mins later he will do the bouncing version so I say "go play with your toys" he says okay again but most of the time goes back to the bouncing version. He also does it in the car sometimes - shakes/moves his limbs and makes that sound. I keep telling BF that it's not 'normal' and to get it looked at, i really hope he brings it up in this appointment. I even video taped it on my cell phone what I think he should take and show the doctor. Because I am concerned that there may be more to it that just what we are seeing. He does it a lot when he is tired, he even does it sometimes while playing video games.
But a threat might get her scared (it's something to think about). I think that is why she asked SS5 if I was nice to him - of course I asked him what he said, I was afraid because he is 5 that 'nice' might mean something else. He said that he said yes, I was nice. But I do snap at him he his acts up and I don't buy them a ton of junk like BM does. But I think she may be worried that I am a better 'mother' than her and the boys like me more than her - at least one seems to because I share his love for video games.
FYI - I am also encouraging BF to stand up to her on some issues. He hates to tell her things because he says it doesn't do any good, but I think he should say something at least then if she did take him to court he can say that he told her. Like telling her what kind of lotion he uses on SS5 to clear up his skin maybe even buying her a bottle (i think she just uses whatever she has and anything heavily scented could make him worse) What she feeds them - yeah we can't do anything about that but when they come over to our house I make sure I cook a home cooked meal whenever possible. And when she send them over dirty, some things we wash others we bag up and send back just as they came.