Sometimes I think I've lost my mind and get upset about the stupidest things involving my FDH and the BM. I get in this agitated state and wonder even during my anger if I am being contrary and hypocritical.

I have gotten decent at the disengaging. As many of you are aware, that's a work in progress and some days go better than others in the beginning of disengagement. Irony is that I love two of my 3 FSK's very much and usually get along with them great. I also think my FDH is a great dad and a great partner. Problem is that I'm afraid if I don't disengage I might snap and beat the BM to death with a blunt object. I have very little contact with her except for the inevitable sports events for the kids lately. It would hurt my FDH's 12 yr old son if I didn't come to at least some if not all of his basketball games and he loves having my kids come esp my BS16.

So I will go to the games and we totally ignore each other now. She's a coward who wont make eye contact and I'm just sick of her bs. What gets to me is the false show she puts on while she is there, or I should say when she is there with FSD20 and FSD20's latest boyfriend. BM is usually quiet when alone or just her and her doofus BF but when the daughter is there it's all obnoxious giggling and yelling and acting out like they are in high school together. Annoying as hell. Sort of like "OOOOooh, look at us! We're so happy and friendly and having so much fun!" Eye roll.

At the game this Saturday morning, I was inadvertently stuck between my FDH and his other daughter FSD15 on the bleachers (my son sitting on the bleacher below us - my two girls were at home) and then there was a strip of empty bleacher and then BM, FSD20 and FSD20's boyfriend (as usual looking like simple arithmetic might cause him to drool...)

Whole game at park district I have to hear their obnoxiousness and then FSD15 is yakking away across empty way with her mother, so Mommy is now all palsy-walsy with her, and at one point gets thrown an empty water bottle by her mother who tells her to go throw it out. So FSD15 gets up and has to go locate a garbage can while her mother and older sister are cracking up like it's the most hysterical thing ever. After FSD15 returns, BM is all "Well, it was just a joke, I didn't expect you to actually DO IT!" Why is this a big deal? Because FSD20 is her buddy not just her daughter. They pull these little "jokes" on the other two kids all the time and think it's a riot. I think you're a moron and a cruel bitch to think humiliating or embarrassing or manipulating your kid is funny.

I'm trying not to jump out of my skin from disgust and irritation. Just hearing her fake bs makes me want to throw something. It's very loud and absolutely intended to attract attention. I did ignore it. At the end of game, I immediately got up and left, assuming everyone (FDH, my son, FSD15, would be following to wait for FSS12 to come out from gym which is usually what we do due to the crowd level. Nope. I am standing in the damn hallway by myself. Joy. I see through the door BM's stringy haired head and she is standing with them all right there. Turns out she and FDH were being given the basketball pictures and because the league are morons that can't put separate names on the envelopes, they have to figure out which package is which.

First occurrence of me losing my mind. They really aren't doing this and bear in mind MY son is there as well (probably wishing he weren't since he thinks BM is a raging bitch too) but I get this bizarre feeling like I am an outsider and they are playing little family again. See, I inadvertently get ignored sometimes when BM and FDH talk in front of me especially if the FSKs are there. FDH does NOT do it on purpose but in his view, if it concerns his kids, it's not my problem so he doesn't include me in the conversation. I did tell him later that's a little dumb only cause guess who hears about it later anyway and is asked her opinion? That would be me. He knows BM and I hate each other so he tries to keep us from face to face contact. Yes, I know that's the whole goal of disengagement. But it makes me feel useless and like a fifth wheel. This is so ridiculous of me to feel angry or irritated with it. I can't have it both ways.

Ok, so they all come out and now FSD20 is there w BF in front of me. I have yet to be introduced to the BF although FDH just met him a few weeks ago. I freely admit (and this is where the bipolar part of me now seems to occur) I have little to no interest in really meeting him since FSD20's BFs last an average of 4 to 6 months before she finds another poor bastard online to move on to. Also FSD20 pretty much hates me (bothers me but it doesnt - too far done with her twinning BM to really let it upset me anymore). However, part of me wondered why FDH didnt at least try to introduce me and my son to the BF only because we are standing right there in front of them. It's not like we can avoid them. My son could actually care less either. He has zero contact with his future stepsister and thinks she's a brat.

I know it seems stupid and childish. I have already stated to my FDH I have zero interest in this boy but at the same time, i guess, part of me wanted to be acknowledged as FDH's fiance and my son as his future stepson. FDH thought I had no desire to meet the kid so he said it didnt occur to him to introduce us. He didnt want to make me uncomfortable or angry. It does put my FDH in a weird damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. It's not fair and I feel stupid about it but I literally feel my stomach clench and my adrenaline surge when I see BM and FSD20.

I get it, I know, "don't let her take up space in your head". I shouldn't and wouldn't and don't want to but it happens. I try journaling/writing about it, I vent online and out loud to myself and sometimes my FDH, I try to rationally pick apart my behavior, I chant memes and mantras and try to focus on breathing and all the rest of the bullshit we are supposed to try to use to forget or refocus.

I have no fear at all my FDH misses her or their former life. He thinks she's a complete dipshit and we both can call out her behavior easily. She's very predictable. FDH even laughs sometimes because I will predict her behavior better than even he does and he was with her for 20 years (dating and marriage).

There's gotta be something wrong with me. I'm supposed to WANT them to coparent right? I'm supposed to WANT them to talk and be civil right? That's the best way but she's so damn fake it makes me rage. She's the same bitch she's been all along but suddenly she's all friendly and chatty with him. I feel totally irrational here. I can't demand to be a part of things (especially when really it ISN'T my place to be) and also try to disengage at the same time. I swear I feel so screwed up.