Am I even doing the right thing anymore??
Although I have stated that I love my fiancee more than words I am starting to really ponder if I'm even doing the right thing by sticking around here. My fiancee seems to pick on my daughter more than his own spoiled brat of a son because she has ADHD and hasn't been put on any medication yet because we're waiting on her therapist to refer her to a psychiatrist. She is a very good kid otherwise but she has issues with hyperactivity and impulsive behaviors. I am very consistant and work with her everyday with self control and learning how to control her hyperactivity...the only thing is everytime we go to his parents house HIS son gets treated like a golden child and he's a manipulative little brat....he has gotten her in trouble several times for things she never even did! And everyone believes him and not her because she's a "bad kid". they don't believe in ADHD so they just assume I have never done anything about her...which pisses me right off because I have ADHD too and so it's just insulting to me. I have stuck up for my daughter countless times but should I REALLY stick around so my daughter can be put through the ringer every flippin time we go over to their house so the golden child can have everything his way? any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know that me and my guy are supposed to work as a team but he doesn't even have any balls to discipline his own child who disrespects him at his parents house...I'm really ready to pack my shit and move on so the golden child can have his own way from now on...I'm sick of being #2 and my child coming in dead last because of a disorder she can't control...
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Does it only happen
at the inlaws' house? Or is your daughter treated unfairly by your fiance all the time, there is a big difference there. If it is all the time, I don't want to steer you too much, because I am a bit negative about all of this right now. I just know that in my situation, marriage has made things all that much harder to deal with. The issues get bigger, and you are far more trapped. If you really love this man, the main thing I would suggest would be to work out the problems with the conflicting treatment of the children now, before the wedding. It is much harder to change your mind later.
Best of luck1
it mainly happens
at his mom and dads house and I have repeatedly complained about the treatment she gets over there. My family has done nothing but embrace him and his son..but it's the other way around at his parents house....he's just too chicken to stand up to his parents..and I'm not going to marry him if thats the way it's always going to be..I've already made that decision..no child is better than the other regardless of issues and whatnot, at least thats how it is with my family...
Then...
I think it's time for a chat... if you have any doubts or feelings now, it's better to get them out on the table now than later and be sure that you are very clear with where you stand on this.
My feelings on this is that if his family can not treat you or your daughter with respect, then this is simply a place I would not visit until they can treat you with respect by getting a proper education on the subject. If BF is not going to stand up, than simply just retreat from their activities cordially and politely. Actions speak louder than words, but you should try to talk to BF regardless- don't get confrontational, emotional about it, just be frank with him and that you don't want to put your daughter in harms way. That's it. No further explanation is needed in less he's willing to approach this matter more seriously and educate himself... which may start the trend.
Sometimes, it's more about your approach than anything when you are dealing with individuals who are 'uneducated' about a topic. One of the most common reactions is to become angry or frustrated. Another response may be to try to explain ADHD, hoping to get this person to be more understanding. Think about the "Bible Thumper", don't want to appear to hound on the subject either. None of those tactics will work, instead it's more about a process.
Have you ever questioned his family as to why they feel that they are the all authority on the subject, seemingly that they all must be therapist themselves? *snickering* I'm just curious as to what they must think it is, since they obviously have all the answers? To me, that's just plain arrogance. But you can take that to heart that they are so uneducated about the matter... ADHD is a real disorder, so that's on them.
Think about it this way. Our brain is the most complicated organ we have in our body. People are more acceptable/tolerant of those who have disabilities that are physically obvious such as being in a wheel chair, Cleft palate or other physical deformities. They also seem to accept heart disease, liver and kidney problems, diabetes, poor eye vision, hearing loss and other internal organ disorders.
Except for a person who is mentally retarded or has downs syndrome or some other major mental challenges there seems to be less tolerance from some for other possible less obvious mental (brain) disorders. It seems that if your ailment is anything above the top vertebrae in your neck you have a battle on your hands in dealing with many people.
Many people in particular see ADHD as a big excuse. Unfortunately some people use it for an excuse, which makes everyone else that doesn't look bad. I am a huge advocate of saying it can be used to explain certain behaviors. But can never ever be used as an excuse. It is counterproductive to you and all others with ADHD to do so.
ADHD is recognized by every legitimate medical association or group in the United States as a valid disorder. So the question of whether it exists is moot. If someone says they don't believe in it, they are in actuality saying that cancer, diabetes and heart disease don't exist either. You certainly can't see any of them, now can you? But they certainly do exist don't they?
People who say they don't want to medicate their children, normally when asked if they would give them insulin for diabetes would say "yes". If asked if their child needs glasses would they buy them for them?..again "yes". Chemotherapy for leukemia and the answer is "yes" again. But to take medicine to deal with a problem in how the brain is working seems to imply some sort of personal defect in the patient's voluntary decision making.
So, my suggestion to you is to combat their lack of education by using questions like what I point out above when warranted in a conversation and start a slow dialogue that will make them rethink without overly offending them either... in other words, don't get snotty, but just calmly question their position. Approach it as if you want a better understanding of THEIR thoughts on it, you know. And when they say something that really seems out of line, just respond with Oh. Leave it at that. Sometimes, it is in the manner of the dialogue that you have to get the wheels to turn and think for themselves why they think the way they do... is it because of what they know or don't know?
If you were to venture into a bookstore, browse the books on ADHD, purchase and perhaps 'educate' BF, would you have a better chance if he had a better understanding? I mean, if he's willing to marry you, he also has to be mindful of things you have concern for too, and if you have ADHD, he should have some interest in learning what that is and how it affects you or even him. Of course, you can't force him to read a whole book, but you certainly can point out obvious excerpts. If he won't do that much for you, I'd seriously rethink your relationship.
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
the funny thing is...
he thinks he has had ADHD all his life like I've had it. The problem is he has no balls to stand up to his parents because they "help him out". I have already made the decision not to go over there anymore. But he obviously doesn't understand that children that have it can't control alot of the things they do because they understand self control yet, I mean even I still have bouts of impulsiveness thats hard to control sometimes. My daughter and I are both in therapy her mainly for ADHD and me, well I have more issues but this whole dealing with the psycho ex wife, a spoiled brat SS and his loopy parents is something thats hard for me to deal with...I will talk to him AGAIN tonight and see what he says..the only reason I don't like talking to him about these things is he goes into defensive mode and gets upset..
When you do talk...
be sure to bring this to him from YOUR prospective only... in other words, use words such as I, me, my, etc. "I have this problem", "I need help with a problem that I have." "My feelings are this." Remove words such as you, we, they, etc. If you remove all the verbiage that can potentially make someone feel like you are blaming them, hence the defense mode which I can guarantee you may be tripped by guilt, than you may have better success in communicating YOUR concerns with him.
And at the moment that you can sense he is getting defensive. Stop and listen to him. Let him speak from his perspective because I can guarantee he's speaking from either guilt or fear- and doesn't even know it. He may feel that somewhere he's to blame because he can not 'fix' the problem. Men are natural 'fixers', problem solvers. If it's not a tangible object that they can fix, they can get somewhat cranky. And if it gets into heated argument, stop and do not engage in it. Just calmly say that you do not want to argue. That won't get you anywhere faster either. If this were me, my response would be to ask why HE is so upset discussing a problem that I have? After all, we're not talking about him, but you and your feelings, your issue.
All of us have four weapons that will help us communicate: the mind, the face, the body and the voice. Though we generally use them correctly in animated conversation, we almost never use them correctly when we are tense, afraid and intimidated. The best tool is the pause. It gives you time to think of a positive response, time to eliminate negative comments, etc. The key is to remain silent and maintain eye contact with the person you are talking to.
This means that you should avoid such audible pauses as "uh...uh...," "like," "I mean" and "you know" and that you should not give the impression that you are afraid to look your 'adversary' in the eye. Eye contact does not necessarily mean eye to eye. If you find that uncomfortable, try focusing on a certain part of the person's face. Most people, in fact, look at the lips. This illuminates confidence- even when you feel you don't have any.
The next thing is smiling. The smiling, animated face is one of your strongest communications tools. All of us usually "open" our faces when we are talking with someone. The problem is that in confrontational situations we often close the facial muscles, creating a frown line that we think makes us look "professional." On top of that, your voice also follows the personality created by your face and body. When one is warm and friendly, so is the other. When one is cold and hostile, the other follows suit. Volume is the least effective vocal tool. It is useful only when your purpose is to discipline a child or a pet. Loud sounds are irritating.
All these things you have to bear in mind when you are dealing with someone who gets defensive. The reason for them to get defensive is often because of their own personal issues, and not yours. But if you can watch his body language, he'll give you clues before hand that will let you know when he's starting to get uncomfortable. That's when it's a good idea to pause and think carefully what you want to say.
StepMom
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...