how do you explain to a 4yo you arent trying to be their mommy? long..Youcan skip to the bottom for ?
ss4 just called me,(im away for a week going to school for my job) and would not let me get off the phone. we talked for 20min about tball, how he was good today, etc...
the reason he called also was to apologize for calling me a monster and to tell me he loves me. 30min before fh had called me to say that bm called and ss told her he was riding a train with my mom this weekend, and going to a car show, and then swimming. bm decides to tell fh that instead fh should take him to my mil's not some one who is not his "real" grandma. he reminds her that what they do with him on their time is their business and as long as he is safe, thats all that matters. SO, bm goes on to call fh and i names and he continues to fight and hang up on her.... bm tells fh, that ss tells her im a monster and im always yelling, etc.
fh asks ss why he called me a monster, he says well a monster is like what comes in my room at night a scares me, fh think wth? is ss talking about!? well he realizes ss is trying to say my cat goes in his room at night and it scares him, and when fh and i yell it scares him. He then says that he tells his mommy those things because he thinks she wont tell him.
as ive strongly worded before...i fel the majority of the issues come from the fact of the insecurities of bm that im trying to replace her.
i have no tv and have decided to read up on st 
and have read a couple posts that people have said they tell skids, "i am not trying to replace bm, i know she is you bm, blah blah blah... my qestion is i dont think that ss will understand this, but i feel that the time has come where he is getting confused. ss and i get along great, people when we are out always say "you son is so cute" or "if its okay with you mommy" i quickly say "oh, no he is my ss" but ss has a puzzled look. today when fh finally was able to get the phone from ss, fh tells him "tell mommy you love her and you'll talk to her in the morning, oops i mean tell smnikki...." instantly i can sense that ss has clamed up in confusion...
any ideas how to address this with ss to help him not be confused?
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Well, I probably wouldn't be so quick to explain the situation
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
to people you just run in too on the street. Your friends and family know he's your ss, but I wouldn't worry about offering that info to someone who happens to remark that he's cute. Just say thank you. Later, if he asks anything, you can say something like, Yeah, that lady/man thought I was your mother!.
I'd just make comments once in awhile like "I'm glad you love your Dad. I'm glad you love your Mom. And I'm glad you love smnikki, too."
He'll get it. They don't stay 4 for very long. (Not long enough IMO. I had a lot of fun with my kids when they were 4).
SMNikki
I met SD when she was 8, so she was introduced to me and called me by my name. But your SS is so much younger and it sounds like Dh was calling you mommy to him? Is that right? Because he's so little?
I hear what you are saying about introducing the child to others. I have gone through that and have felt the awkwardness when you say this is my STEP-child. Out of respect for BM, I never wanted to just say, this is my daughter. I also didn't want SD to look at me like, or feel uncomfortable as well.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with SS. Do you have a special nickname for him? I've always called SD "Brat!!"
It's an affectionate nickname in my family. It always made SD giggle! Still does. Anyway, now, when I introduce her, sometimes I'll say "This is my Brat!! and then give her name!" She loves it when people do a doubletake, like what did you just call her? 
So, in our home SD is my Brat and I'm Stick. You don't have to worry about the concept of what the mom is or explain any more than that. Eventually he will realize what you bring to his table and what his BM does too.
Good luck!
kind of
fh accidently referred to me as his mommy...and then corrected himself and said smnikki.
ss does call me by my first name, and i call him my "sweet pea" (lol, im sure when he gets older i will need to change this so he is not embarrassed)
No Need to explain it
It will come out in time. All he needs to know is that he has two people and Daddy's house that love him and care about him.
Explaining to much information might draw distance, from him later. When people address him as your son, don't justify it to them, cause he could take that the wrong way one day as rejection.
As for BM - looks like she is trying to control what is going on in yours and FH house and time. I would look into PAS, sounds like the beginning of it.
Its hard....
and awkward sometimes....at a dinner recently someone mentioned how much SD17 looked like me....LOL....."ok".....my skids call me Lotus, but when talking to other kids or teachers, etc. they call me their Mom. Of course, BM took off and dumped them, so in MY case, I'm really the only Mom they have. I usually refer to them as my daughters or son,not steps, but I try to get the vibe of the kid...for instance....my sds I always call my daughters, but with ss...I try to feel him out,,,anyway, SD17 told me on mother's day she wished she could call me Mom, but wasn't sure how her brother and sister would feel. I said....that's ok...I know what's in yur heart and I know who I am to u
Just be the best SM u can be and want to be, and he will sort it all out when he gets older...of course, there will be plenty of heartache as many of us SMs do all the work, but are constantly reminded they are not the "Mom"..(at least that FINALLY stopped for me)...it make take a while, but yur SS will know one day 
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Oh and when BM WAS around....
and I heard that "SHE'S not yur mother crap"....I would say...well "SOMEONE has to be"....and eventually skids started saying it to her too.....
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
part of my concern
was the bm, because as we get closer to the weding she is seriously losing her mind! i feel bad that ss is confused and that bm mind fuks him every chance she gets because she is so insecure.