Wow I'm so sorry...that's terrible she is beyond old enough to sleep in her own bed in her own room. My 2 year old sleeps in his own room. I have never allowed co-sleeping )my parents made that mistake and my brother slept with them until he was 5 no way was that going to happen in my house.)

Sometimes my husband is afraid of disciplining his son because BM usually lets SS do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't get in her way. He's afraid SS won't want to live with us anymore. I put my foot down. I was raised with heavy discipline and the talking back or smart @$$ answers did not fly with me.

I realize in your situation he has to be the one that enforces the decision for her to sleep in her own bed, I'm not saying you should try to take care of it yourself but you should definitely put your foot down and let him know something needs to change or you're going to change some things.

I agree! I have not had the co-sleeping problems but the belly/teeth/arm/leg pains that have been going on for 9 months. My advice is get tough with Daddykins before its too late. Does everyone else feel like you are just trying to teach people lessons all the time? I didnt even know about this disengaging before joining this site. Perhaps if i did i could have saved my relationship. Actually probably not...nothing worse than seeing a weak man letting his kids walk all over him. It makes me feel a bit ill.

That definitely needs to stop. That is unhealthy for both of them. When I moved in with BF SD just fell asleep on the couch every night and he carried her too bed. She was 11years old!! Now after about 9 months of that he finally realized bedtime and structure are important. She goes too bed at 9 pm with us but whenever BM goes to bed when she is with BM they co-sleep :jawdrop:

BM called me regarding something else but let me know it was wrong of me to disrupt the family routine that SD had with her dad because it worked! But she argued that SD fell asleep in daddy's arms every night and that is the way it should be. Having a bedtime was traumatic for SD :jawdrop:

Needless to say SD is doing just fine with the routine and structure and it's BM who can't handle it LOL

I too have grown bios and they were raised PROPERLY and TRADITIONALLY with ME calling the shots not my children (and this was in a GASP single parent home WITHOUT CS!!)

Here's my personal compilation of signs to look out for and RUN like the WIND!!

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

I'd say let it go on for the rest of this week, but each night remind the SD and DH that in ___ days, SD will be sleeping in her own bed. So, tonight is Wednesday. Tell her starting on Friday night, she will be sleeping in her own bed. That gives her two days to prepare herself as well as allowing DH to prepare himself for her tantrum. Put your foot down to him and if he doesnt follow through, you do it! Be the mean, evil step-mom! She will respect it down the road.

Tonight when she gets home, tell her calmly and clearly that in two days she will be sleeping in her own bed in her own room. After dinner, have DH and SD go through her room (closet, under the bed, drawers, etc.) and show her there are no monsters or reason to be afraid. Get her a nightlight and maybe even a flashlight so she can look herself if need be. Tonight, let DH and SD sleep on the couch. (We actually told our kids that we brought Ghost Busters in while they were at school to double check. When they said that Ghost Busters wasnt real, we explained that ghosts and monsters arent real either...that seemed to work).

Tomorrow night, when she gets home, remind her that "tomorrow" she will be sleeping in her own bed. Do the same routine.

Friday night, remind her that "tonight" she will be sleeping in her own bed. Do the same routine. If she gets out of bed crying, you AND DH take her back to her room and explain that there are no monsters in her room and there is no reason to be scared. Get the flashlight out, show her the closet, under her bed, etc. that there are no monsters. Make sure the nightlight is on and tuck her back in.

If she gets up again, walk her back into her room and explain she is almost 9 years old and she needs to sleep in her own bed. Tuck her in and walk out.

If she gets up again, walk her back to bed but do not say a word. Tuck her in and walk out. Repeat this over and over until she sleeps in her bed. IT WILL WORK!!!

This is why I suggest doing it on a Friday night so you dont have to worry about getting up early in the morning.

Good luck!

Kids like, need, and enjoy structure. The bedtime routine you outlined sounds perfect, Mami, you should try again w/ hubby and Sd. She most of all needs to get out of his bed right away. My DD19 went through a nightmare having stage when she was 2, that's the only time we laid down with her, or any of our kids (unless they were breastfeeding INFANTS).Not to be gross, but what if he wakes up with an erection and she sees it? :jawdrop: Not cool at all.

From all the responses you can see you are not wrong.

Ask him if he'll be sleeping with her when she's 17.

I empathize with you. Its all gross.