DH's insensitive friends always ask about BM even when I'm there!
DH has this "friend" he met while he was going through his divorce. The friend and his wife has a child same age as ss5. Before I came into the picture, DH hang out w/ friend and his family every saturday morning. Since we've been together it went down to every other weekend. These people never met BM and yet EVERY SINGLE TIME they come over or we hang out with them, they ask about her. It's not that they care about her or anything, they're just curious about all the drama. About a year after DH and I got together, I told him that BM talk is to be limited to 30 minutes when I'm around other wise, I'm leaving. He does his best to keep it under control but "friend" always ask him, all the details and they don't give a rat's ass when I'm there.
A month ago we were at their house, I was in the kitchen talking to the wife about the ssons when she asked me "Is his wife still lives in nameof BM's city?" I looked at her confused. I could not believe that 1. She asked me about where BM lives and 2. refered to BM as DH's wife! The nerves! That woman never met BM, she just heard about the nutjob from DH complaining. I was pissed because for the past 2 plus years, they come into my house at least once a month, they went to DH and I's wedding and yet called BM DH's wife? I brought it up to DH's attention and he told me that she didn't mean any harm, it was probably slip of the tongue. They're bringing their daughter over in an hour for a playdate with ssons and I'm dreading that. DH has to tell them to be a little sensitive and not ask about his ex while I'm around. My friends don't ask about my ex, especially when DH is around. Why have I been putting up with his friends asking about his ex at least once a month for almost 3 years now.
- smomof2's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Stop telling them anything.
Stop telling them anything. Just shrug and dh shrug and say I don't know we avoid the ex that's why she's an ex. Then move on.
Sounds like these people just
Sounds like these people just want to make you uncomfortable. On purpose.
When SS was born (we had been dating for about four months then, and it was in the midst of a lot of horrible drama so for both of us, just hearing BM or anything dealing with "the situation" made both our skins crawl) we went to a restaurant that DH's friend and his friend's wife (who used to have a crush on DH) owned. We sat down, his wife and the husband comes over the us (the husband is a good friend of DH's and completely sympathizes and is very aware of being sensitive) and the wife, in true mean girl fashion, says to DH "How was the trip? (he flew out there for the birth) and can I see some pictures?" Nevermind I'm sitting right there.
Both her husband and my DH turn to her and said to her at the same time "What the FUCK?" and she, defiantly tossed her hair and was like "What? She knows." while nodding at me.
This said two things. First, I had not reacted, so she did not take the cue that it could have been uncomfortable for me. Which means from her response, she knew what she was doing if she understood it could be hurtful. Second, because she knew and she still did it, I knew right (I had my suspicions) then she didn't like me and had done it on purpose. I still smiled and prodded DH to show her the picture he was sent from GBM (since she induced too early, he couldn't stay past the three days his flight was scheduled and wasn't there for the birth.) and showed that nothing she could do could bother me, because she's just a sad little girl.
DH has not been kind to her since then and always ignores her now, because in his words, "I'm so sorry. She's just being a bitch because she has problems with women. She didn't like my last girlfriend either and would do stuff like that too." That was almost three years ago. I heard later she got a lecture from her DH about sensitivity too. Bet she hates me even more now.
Don't let anyone get you down. Hold your head up high, and your DH should be protecting you and speak up.
Don't put this off on your
Don't put this off on your DH. These are not children that he has to manage.
Look them in the eye and ask them the tough questions. In a very calm manner say "Why do you think we care about her and why do you?" "Why would you think we want to discuss her?"
I'm all for letting people know when they are being assholes.
You're right, i should tell
You're right, i should tell them myself instead of waiting for DH to do it. My only reason was that they're his friends so i think it's his responsability to set the boundaries.
Hmm... Im sure both of them
Hmm... Im sure both of them have exes too. When they bring up BM or pry for info-- Id ask them such questions about people they used to date. Tit for that? Right? I guarantee they wouldnt like the same imposed on them. My inlaws used to bring BM up every single time we went to visit (4 1/2 hours away). I had pre-warned DH I wasnt about to sit there anymore while they prodded for info or to just talk about her insesidly anymore. When MIL brought up BM I just looked at her & said nicely "surely theres better things to talk about. Thats old news now". Then I swiftly changed the subject. It worked. Yay!! I think sometimes we have to show people where our boundaries are. You have every right in the world to not want to discuss BM when your hanging with DHs friends or family. Take your boundaries & set them politely & firmly. If they dont heed to your requests, talk to DH & kinda dig for past stories and people in their lives then show them how it feels. Some people dont get it till you show them its a two way street.
Hope your visit goes well! Hang in there & put some boundaries up!!
^^^that's exactly what I was
^^^that's exactly what I was thinking! If they are his real friends they would have had the good sense to know that he doesn't want to spend his evening talking his ex who is costing us $$$ because of endless BS and going to court or just the plain drama. I swear I think theses people get off on hearing about the BM drama.
In response to the city
In response to the city question I would have said "no, we live in +insert city here+" when they looked at you strange you smile and say "well you DID ask where his WIFE lives". They are nosy and inconsiderate. Dh needs to say something and not pin it solely on you by saying "smomof2 feels uncomfortable" it needs to be "we".