F*ck you SO, I'm not allowing you to make me feel guilty for staying away while your kids are at our house.
It's been a stressfull and painful couple of weeks and I've been staying at my friend's house for 5 nights now since the ssons came back from BM. 5 days ago when I told SO that I'm fragile right now and being around the ssons is too painful, that I'm staying with friends till they leave tomorrow. He was like "ok, I understand", but now he's pulling the guilt thing on me. I was only gone for 2 days when he asked me when I'll be coming back, that ss4 asked for me all the time, and ss3 misses me. I finally cave and skyped with them friday night for a few minutes. Last night SO asked if I was coming back today I said no, and he went on about how he feels like lately I don't want to be around the boys and that I find reasons to go away when they're there. He went on about how he understand they're not my kids but they love me and ask about me.
Excuse me SO if losing our unborn baby is affecting me more than you. At least you are fortunate enough to have 2 other kids to refocus your attention on. I don't have that. And taking care of you and BM's kids when I'm still raw and hurt about losing mine is not what I want to do right now. If they were my kids yes, I would have suck it up and be there for them but they're not mine so why on earth should I burden myself with pretending I'm ok when I'm not? I need space and time to cry, grieve and heal.
For the majority of our relationship I was there for SO and ssons, taking on the role of mom without questions, I did just as much as SO does. But after all the mistreatment from BM and her telling me every chance she gets that those are her kids and I'll never be their mother, coupled with me feeling like SO is taking me for granted I started pulling back about a month ago. I have been slowly disengaging. Making plans with friends at least one of the days the ssons are there.
I don't think I'm being unresonable. The ssons are going back to BM tomorrow but they'll be back in 2 days, I'll see them then. Yes I understand they might miss me but me not seeing them for about 10 days is not going to hurt them. Heck last year BM went 2 whole months without seeing them! And just recently because she was working on a "project", she gave up her custody time and didn't see the ssons for 3 weeks! They didn't die and I'm sure they still love her the same if not more. I'm so sick of SO holding me to higher standard when it comes to the ssons than he holds their own mother. Constantly expecting me to make sacrifices for ss4 and ss3 when BM is free to do whatever she wants.
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Big hugs, honey. Being a
Big hugs, honey. Being a stepmother after losing my infant son was the worst experience of my life. I didn't even want to look at her much less entertain her. Didn't help that she was an ass about the whole thing. She was only 5, but she was really bad. My dh at least understood. He tried to shield me from her as much as he could. Still, watching him go in her room at night and tuck her in while I had no child of my own to tuck into bed just brought the pain forward every single day.
You need to do what you need to do for you right now. It is not selfish to take care of you and to grieve what might have been on your own terms.
If your DH is otherwise a
If your DH is otherwise a good guy, I know some men who are so uncomfortable with their wives being upset and there's nothing they can do to fix it. They come across like rude insensitive jerks because the thought of their wives hurting and them being unable to do anything about it scares them shitless.
So they push their wives to go back to the "routine" so that way they can know their wives are all right.
That could be what is happening here.
Otherwise, your DH is a colossal jerk....
This is true, too. My dh
This is true, too. My dh would have done anything to make it hurt less and there were times where I thought he was being an insensitive prick when in reality he thought he was trying to help.
You might be right because
You might be right because he's in such a hurry to get things back to "normal", even telling me that he's afraid that I won't snap out of it. Dude, the nightmare happened june 21st, less than 2 weeks ago, it hasn't been that long. The day I told him I'm staying at my friend's house, he begged me not to leave him. I had to explain I was not ending our relationship that I'm only staying with my best friend for the 5 days the ssons are here.
My dh was terrified that I'd
My dh was terrified that I'd never feel better. Some nights he would actually get mad at me for crying. He wasn't trying to be a jerk. It was driven by fear. He wasn't afraid I'd physcially leave him, but that I'd never make it back from the dark place. I was truly living on the edge of my sanity for well over a year. In fact, the only thing that helped was adopting our son. That void is strong, honey. You have every right to grieve as long as you need to grieve. Don't think that he isn't grieving, too, though. I know my dh was hurting, too. He couldn't show it until I showed signs of strength because he was afraid it would push me over the edge. Hang in there and try to communicate exactly what you need and why you need it.
(((hugs))) You're definitely
(((hugs)))
You're definitely not being unreasonable.
In fact, I think you're being absolutely, without a doubt, reasonable.
Well, if you made it clear it
Well, if you made it clear it is difficult to be around his young sons because it is a constant reminder how she had kids with him and you lost your child with him and this isn't forever but just this week ... he should accept it as the way it is.
The grief gets buried but you always wonder.... I miscarried between my older children. Which means I would never have had 3 of my children because of the way things would have worked out. But I always wonder... what if? Even now close to 30 yrs later.
You will deal with it differently to him. As the others said, he wants his normal back because normal means AOK. It won't be back for a while.
oneoffour, thanks for sharing
oneoffour, thanks for sharing your story. My MIL told me that she miscarried right before SO was conceived and that SO wouldn't be here had MIL not loss the pregnancy before that. I know everything happens for a reason. MY OB said to wait 2-3 months before trying again. I think by then I'll be strong enough emotionally so that if we do get pregnant right away I would be focused on the joy instead of looking back on the sorrow.
i'm so sorry. i've had 3
i'm so sorry. i've had 3 consecutive losses after 2 healthy children. mc is 09, mc in 10, stillbirth in 11. i didn't want to see sd's rotten face, either. of course she was joyous after my first loss, and knows nothing about my other pregnancies or losses. but still, being around her just makes me wonder why i had to lose my babies when her rotten ass is in this world. you definitely need time to heal. too bad for dh if he doesn't understand, he still has to accept it and deal with it. you owe nothing to anyone but yourself right now.
im sorry for your loss and
im sorry for your loss and tell him you need to take care of you first...the rest will fall into place