You should not be the one to feel like a giant @ss.

I know you love your DH and I'm sure he's a wonderful person otherwise, but he is just dead wrong, here.

Hes not believing you because he doesnt really WANT to. Its a differing narrative.

Good for you.  It's normal to feel anxious when you shake up a relationship and make change.  He can still carry on exactly as he wants to, without you. 

Where we left it is DH is still going to plan the vacation with adult SKs, and it might not be a full week.

I was a little confused about this, are you still going?

You stood up for youself and let him know how YOU felt and rightfully so. Please try not to feel bad for him...do you think he pities you and your feelings? All the time, energy and effort you put in for his unappreciative kids and they give you their ass to kiss. Not sure why you feel sorry for a man that allow his children to disrespect you. He has power in all this but refuses to stick up for himself and you so he chooses to settle for the crumbs his kids give him.

You don't have to accept that. I hope you have a wonderful vacation with your bio's and know that you did what's best for you and yours. You have created your boundaries and truly loving yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

Nicely done. It's really hard to wade through the gaslighting, but you kept the focus, you stood up for yourself, and you set and kept boundaries. And I get feeling badly about it. It's hard and scary to stand up for yourself sometimes, and sometimes there's no win-win scenario.

I also get those "hedge" type answers like "it's not ideal" from my DH. Your DH seems the same way: he'd rather have a shitty, shell of a relationship with everyone (including you) than have a minimal, cordial relationship with the toxic people and build on the good, comfortable relationships.

Well done.  There is absolutely no reason for you to feel like any kind of ass, let alone a giant one, simply because you challenged DH on his enabling of his freeloader adult kids, and the scrubbing out of your face from SGD's birthday photo.  If he feels helpless to change the situation, that's too bad, doesn't mean the situation shouldn't be changed or that you can't choose to change it unilaterally. 

You know - this would be a good topic to take to marriage counseling.  DH has some very deep and painful feelings attached to this pretend relationship with the older two and it's going to be rough roads ahead for him.  

You did the right thing. You are miserable, and the only person who is willing to get you out of that misery is you. So your DH wishes it were different. That's nice, but it isn't. And it sounds like you did everything right -- focused on how YOU felt, not so much on his selfish spawn. Maybe your DH will reflect and find his own strength now that you've changed the playbook.

There is hope. Just last night DH thanked me for helping him get out of a vicious cycle with his kids. They're not selfish users like yours but they do expect to control their father in some ways.  At one point when their demands ran counter to his role as husband and partner, I drew some big fat lines and made it clear that his kids can control him if he wished but they will not control me. He still has a way to go, but he is happy that he no longer feels obligated to do stupid stuff just because they want him to. His kids are generally respectful, sometimes even friendly, toward me but now and then there is a power play. I simply don't play that game.

If the rules change, the game changes. And that's what you're doing. It might get worse before it gets better, but in the end you will find some peace.

I'm glad you were able to talk to him and it sounds like you have done everything you can to help facilitate a relationship between him and his adult children. I hope going forward he realizes what a blessing he has had in you.

Good for you!  Maybe you'll only have to spend a long weekend with the ingrates this year.  

I think you will have less resentment if you step back and let your DH handle everything.  The financial aspect of it is still annoying, as is wasting your limited vacation time on these jerks, but it sounds like your conversation, as sad as it makes everyone feel, was productive in that you've extracted yourself from the ridiculousness of his kids and their demands.  Maybe DH will slowly come around and stop the ridiculousness altogether.

You did the right thing, but I wonder did he have any new solutions to these old old problems?  Why would he want his kids with you to be exposed to the selfishness of the older two?  Why should you have to miss out on anything because he can't and won't make your marriage a priority????  

Its a marriage problem.  One that leads to dissappointment and expensive divorces.  He's gotta see that coming I would hope.  Start leaving divorce articles stuff for him to stumble onto and make his wonder what you're upto.  Tough love  on him might be called for.  Unless you think its too late.  I also might reccomend googling the 180 from Divorce Busting Book.  Basically you do your thing without him and see if he misses the marriage and family he has left.  A wake up call you might call it.  It also works wonders for you , getting to know yourself again.  Let him go be with his first family and you make memories with your bios.  If he joins you great but anything is better than nothing to look back on when those bios fly the nest.  

Last years "vacation" seemed to gut you emotionally & financially.  I've never heard of more selfish, entitled, leech-like set of behaviors as from the pack of psuedo-family that had a great time at the beach last year ... I am amazed that DH suggested another one -- yeah, no I'm not.

DH seems to have an imaginary relationship with fantasized versions of his family.  In Hollywood there is a whole staff of folk to create the illusions needed to tell a story for a movie.  You are necessary to support DH's illusionary family vacation.

Ditch the fantasy this year, take care of your boys & enjoy multiple great adventures & vacations with them. This is a special time.

Continue to love your DH, but you don't need to play "Oz" for him.

Good luck

I see absolutely nothing unreasonable at all about what you said and what you plan on doing. You are simply wanting to take your kids on vacation with out their stepsibilings and clan and you are refusing to be the personal assistant, travel agent and housekeeper for everybody for this vacation. 

Gosh, if he wants a family vacation with the skids, then he needs BM to join so she can clean up after her family.  Duh.  (eyeroll)

he needs the "real feel" of his overgrown brats up close and personal.  Let him spend "quality time" with the monsters he created. 

Spend time with your bios instead, then rave about separate vacays!

If I were you I'd go myself! If DH wants to go ....sure but with no skids! 

I'm proud you stood up for yourself! Keep it up!

If ya hafta go with the band of fools....hit the spa or a massage! Baby yourself in front of them. Let them know you love yourself!

I'm glad you had that talk with your DH if for nothing else but to set boundaries with those monsters he created. I hope you stick to your boundaries as this is the only way you will have the peace and happiness you deserve on your vacations going forward. Once your DH walk a mile in your shoes, he will shut the yearly vacation BS with his ungrateful asshole kidults down and if not he will probably shut their behavior down or join you and your Bk's together.  Either way it's his mess to clean up!

I have a husband that has been married two time previously...The oldest kids are from first marriage, which ended in divorce and BM is now deceased.  They grew up very priviledged from her side of family money and because her home was disfunctional have all sorts of entitlement built in to them-they were treated as royalty when kids by everyone because they felt bad for the disfunction they were going through-BM was alcoholic.  At any rate, kids got jaguars for 16th birthday and the like.  When she died they got trust funds, which they totally just take for granted as their God given right and don't appreciate anything my husband did in raising them, sacrifices made, etc.  Anything he does isn't enough, isn't right, etc.  No respect shown. He just hangs on the little scraps of a relationship they give him and will jump in response to any guilting they do.  They literally will guilt him by saying "you are the only parent we have so..." and then whatever they want from him follows.  It is very ugly.

So then we got married.  I had so much compassion initially for them as I knew they had a lot of disfunction in their home growing up and had lost their mom...but then geez, you deal with all of that entitled ungratefulness for a while and you get over it.  They treat our house and things like trash and just walk away from messes they make.  They expect us to pay for everything when we go anywhere with them (both are grown with degrees and jobs and frankly more of my husband's retirement in their trust funds from their Mom's estate than he got at the time). They will put their saving money ahead of inconvenience for us no questions asked.  Example-SD going to FL to visit friend.  Wants to park in shortterm lot so she has less of a walk in with her big suitcase-parking lot is icy...and have us come down and move her car to long term parking for her to save money...Big ask right? gets better...remember the ice?  All the highways are closed due to ice storm and we live over a half hour away using highways...Would be a whole day adventure on icey roads with cars in ditch everywhere, but no ask is to great for her.  Funny thing is she was on the phone with me, so the answer was no.  If she had been talking to my husband I can promise you it would have been a yes.  Crazy.  Another time my husband was getting back from work travel had been up for 30 hours and she asked him to get up less than 5 hours later to take her to the airport so she wouldn't have to uber or park her car.  He said he would do it...I chimmed in and said that if she "needed" to be taken to the airport, then I would do it as DH had been up long enough.  She then backed down.  But he was ready to do it!  It is so cringworthy watching them take advantage of his unconditional love and adoration of them.  SS isn't any better.  Coming to visit at Christmas, changes time/day  literally 6 times and we keep rearranging our plans.  Then on his way-texts he is an hour out-we are waiting on him because he will be here "any time".  NOPE!  literally went to lunch with friends for 3 hours and didn't bother calling/texting about his plan change.  Meanwhile everything is on hold at our house waiting on the "rock star" to arrive.   And my husband doesn't even flinch at this stuff.  He just says the same non commital stuff like, "it isn't ideal".   It makes my head explode.

So anyways, I am in counseling which is helping.  She says I can't control them, I can only control me.  So when SS is coming, I shouldn't change my plans because I know there is a very good chance that he will do this stuff, so I should do all of the stuff I would do if he wasn't coming and when he shows up, then he shows up.  If I need a shower from working out or am in the middle of something, then so be it.  It isn't ideal, but it will keep me from going crazy.  And try not to let SD crazy selfish asks get in the way of my husband's and I's relationship...which I am trying to do.  It helps that DH has toned down his defending their actions.  When he would make excuses for their downright rude and selfish behavior it would put me through the roof.

I am polite and welcoming when I see them, but as far as the relationship I was hoping for?  Well, it isn't for a lack of trying on my part.  I guess I need to accept they don't see me as a new member of the family, more like Dad's new wife that keeps him from doing everything they want him to do.