Can't let go of extreme anger towards BM...help?
Hello! I am experiencing serious anger and resentment towards the BM of my SD and SS. I'm sure my situation isn't unique: she is difficult, angry, and sad and blames me for everything. She trash talks me to the kids. She makes my DH's life a living hell. She ignores me in public, refuses to say hello or thank you if I come to drop off the kids. I've done my best to follow all the rules--I don't say anything bad (or anything at all) about BM to the kids. I somehow lucked out to have (for the moment) a really sweet bond with my SD11 and SS9, so no complaints there.
My DH has done a great job letting go of a serious amount of anger towards her, and now seems to take everything in stride and keep calm. That used to be me. It used to be me encouraging him to do that. Now it's NOT me. Now I'm seriously angry! I've never felt so much anger and hatred towards anyone, and I seriously don't know how to let it go or to move on. I find myself walking down the street thinking up insults to scream in her face, or writing horrible emails that I'll never send. I'm sure there is already a lot about this, but any thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Mostly I feel alone and, because I'm an American in France with half Spanish/French kids, I feel that culturally I'm also lost.
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I know how you feel
I'm normally a low-key, easy- going person who gets along with everyone. It was a life surprise to realize I had such a deep, emotional hatred toward BM. Like you, I was experiencing a lot of negativity from her and she seriously affected my relationships with the SKs in a bad way. I was also jealous of her, I think I was jealous of the years she had had with DH and her parent bond with him.
Now that 40+ years have gone by and now that she is gone, I regret the brainspace I gave her. I have also learned that she was jealous of me, too.
I don't know the answer for you, it is so deep and painful. When I was in counseling, as I started to ruminate on, "she did this" or " she said that", my counselor would redirect me to the present.
Good luck, it's hard.
Thank you!
Wow, so much of what you wrote resonates with me in such a deep way. Mostly I'm surprised at the deep, emotional hatred I have too, surprised I was even capable of such feelings! I think redirecting thoughts to the present sounds like the right way to go, it's just so damn hard! Thank you for taking the time to write. Yours was my first comment in this website so I feel particularly happy to read it
Same here
The BM in my life is a complete waste of space. She abused DH for years and continues to do so. She plays the victim at every turn and has convinced others - including DH's dumb, dumb of a brother and narcissistic mother - that DH and I are just out to get her. She is a liar who regularly engages in fraud and seems to manage to get ahead because of it. She has also brainwashed one SS into thinking DH is a terrible person and he (SS) is "old enough" (his words at age 14) to "know the truth".
Everything about BM flies in the face of my values. It also highlights that people who lie, cheat, and steal (in her case, literally for all three) do get ahead, which seems so unfair.
The only thing that has helped me get over my white hot rage at her is to completely cut her out of my life and pretend that she doesn't exist. This is easier to do now that SSs are in high school. MIL has gotten all in a snit that I ignore BM, but I don't care. I don't care about BIL, either. They don't know what she's really like and they don't care that she continues to abuse DH and is not above pulling her children into the drama, so their opinions don't matter to me. I've have to accept that BM will always end up looking like the martyr / victim (due primarily due to societal conventions and her ability to lie with a straight face), but that doesn't mean I have to make space for her in my life. I've created a space for her children in my life and provide for them when they are with me, that has to be enough for everyone involved, because that's all I'm giving.
yes!
Yes! "Everything about BM flies in the face of my values." That's exactly it. And it's really exhausting to feel like I constantly have to betray myself and my own morals by accepting her behavior. I'm sorry you've had to go through this but I'm encouraged by your words and feel a bit better knowing I'm not crazy...
Welcome to the site!
It's normal to have these feelings towards someone who behaves in such a very hostile manner towards you. And I hate to say it, but if she speaks in a very negative way to her children about you - then it is probably only a matter of time before your relationship with them becomes difficult too. I had this - the NPD BM in my life talked about me in a horrible way to the SDs before she'd ever clapped eyes on me. Don't beat yourself up about your thoughts about her. The one piece of advice I would give you is try to take the long view. Now that my SDs are in their 20s, their mother has become an irrelevance in my life. I would love to know how your DH is able to be so cool about it all? Maybe you are carrying all his anger as well as your own.
I fear you could be right
I fear you could be right about the power this trash-talking might have over my relationship with my step kids. I'm so sorry it happened to you, It's so discouraging! I honestly don't know how DH is so cool about it, and yes, actually I think you are totally right, I do feel like I'm carrying two loads of rage right now. He gets angry when she does something, but in between "incidents" he manages to forget while I'm FUMING. I will keep in mind your ideas about a long view, I'm sure you are right...
It’s a long road
after my husband was divorced, he sought counseling for 2 years. The therapist told him when you are completely done with the ex and all emotion towards that person is gone is when you can deal with things calmly. Your husband is done done done with her and that’s is why he is able to be so calm.
I'm typically not an angry
I'm typically not an angry person myself. Like true angry, not like miffed bit, is rare for me.
I have found that often, when I am absurdly angry, and I can't let it go-it's because I'm hurt. Should we give a damn about BM liking us, seeing the work we put in of behalf of her kids, should we feel the need to be validated as a good human? F no. But often times we do. Because we are good people. And trying to please the unpleaseable hurts. But anger feels stronger than admitting you're seeking the validation of a human would could not be more suited to withhold it from you.
I offen find recognizing that, assist greatly in letting it go.
Damn, you are SO right. It's
Damn, you are SO right. It's true. I basically feel like I'm doing all of this stuff to appease her, and to take care of her kids, and all I get is aggression back. I'm definitely seeking validation, but it's definitely not the right person to look for it with....
I have 2 BM's and I am on
I have 2 BM's and I am on cordial at minimum terms with both of them. It was a struggle at first, one of them is pretty shitty, BUT if you want disarm the beast-the next time she snubs you, quietly ask her what it is she needs from you (but also know you're allowed to say no to any of it-don't let her take advantage). Tell her you want to support her and her children. If she is nasty, then know there is nothing more to be done and release it. But you might be surprised if she doesn't. It's pretty hard to be nasty to someone who has voiced their support.
TWO BMs?!?! OMG, you are a
TWO BMs?!?! OMG, you are a saint! I think you make a really reasonable suggestion, and indeed, one I was given already. I tried that in the beginning and subsequently many times (politely asking her in person, writing a letter, sending a text) after all of those she just got worse. It wouldn't bother me that much if she wasn't actively talking to the kids about how I want to steal them away from her and how I have no morals.....
I know it doesn't feel like
I know it doesn't feel like enough but children will and do believe their own eyes. You can't control what she tells them but you can control how you interact with them. I have been with my SS for 7 years and they do see things-they take note of who says what about who, who supports them, who beats them down or ignores them. They know when what they see doesn't match what they hear. Sometimes they choose to believe one over the other but we can't control that. We can only control ourselves and that has to be enough <4
That's really wise and
That's really wise and helpful, thank you. I needed to hear that today!
I'm typically not an angry
I'm typically not an angry person myself. Like true angry, not like miffed bit, is rare for me.
I have found that often, when I am absurdly angry, and I can't let it go-it's because I'm hurt. Should we give a damn about BM liking us, seeing the work we put in of behalf of her kids, should we feel the need to be validated as a good human? F no. But often times we do. Because we are good people. And trying to please the unpleaseable hurts. But anger feels stronger than admitting you're seeking the validation of a human that could not be more suited to withhold it from you is neither easy nor palpable.
I offen find recognizing that, assist greatly in letting it go.
I agree with Kes and Struggling
My healing started when I decided BM was dead to me.
Another thought
I didnt realize this in the white-hot heat of the moment but I've come to realize that BM was a factor in creating the man I fell in love with. I think she "smoothed off some of the rough edges" I don't think I would have been attracted to his younger, wilder self. Plus, I had 2 kids and he was an experienced father. There is something (positive) to be said for a man who has been married and has had children, believe it or not. Lol.
Dang, that is really big of
Dang, that is really big of you!!!!!!! You are in a better place than I (in a drunken new year toast with my DH I was all "she ruined your life! She's ruining mine! Who's next!!!!!) I'm with you on the dead to me thing though...hahah!
No matter how awesome you are
No matter how awesome you are, there are some people in the world that still won't like you. You can't base your self-worth on that, it's all about them and not about you. Don't take it personally.
Living in a foregin country, you must be lonely, and I hope you make some friends and fill your life with joy. Forget BM. Avoid her at all costs. Either don't do the exchanges, or let the kids walk themselves to the door without you.
What?? But I'm so great, why
What?? But I'm so great, why can't everyone see that?!? hahah, just kidding, of course. You are right! I need to stop going the extra mile because... WHY. Luckily I've been here in europe for 10 years so I have good friends, but yes, sometimes it is lonely! Mostly just in these family matters, the classic stepmom loneliness...
the gift of writing someone off
I can still get more worked up than DH about his ex. I think in part it's being on the outside of it and able to see how twisted their dynamic is, and he's so used to it, he's immune to it all. My HCBM is the opposite: she's tried to befriend me and sends me texts she asks me not to tell DH about and messages to me through the kids and all sorts of screwed up stuff. So I don't have to deal with her being cold or dismissive to me, but her warmth is also diabolical. I just keep a super big wall up there and don't do any parental duties and have almost no contact with her. Still get mad sometimes by ways she warps the kids and messes with DH, and maybe there's no letting it go entirely, but yeah, if you can minimize contact I find that these BM's take up less rent-free space in your head.
My DH is also used to the
My DH is also used to the crazy, so he ignores BM. MIL has a lot of similarities to BM, too, so that behavior has totally been normalized for him.
I suspect BM would have tried to befriend me if I hadn't frozen her out early after she made some outrageous accusations about me. After I froze her out, she cried (yes, literally cried) to DH about how she had hoped she and I could be friends and volunteer on SSs' field trips together (she has never volunteered on a field trip or at any of the schools they attended). Mind you, the first time I met her, she barely acknowledged me because she was too busy yelling at DH in front of the kids...that was just the start...so, not sure why eye would think I would want to be her friend, but she's the least self-aware person I've ever met.
Sounds like the BM you are
Sounds like the BM you are dealing with is extremely similar to BM2 .
I felt like this about BM2 too mostly because of the way she treated DH.
The good news. Since the skids are now adults I have not run into her in years.
BM1 and DH's childhood sweetheart I will happily sit and chat too no issues there .