Hello all, I just joined today. I don't know if I fit the traditional definition of a stepmother....I was already married to my husband and BM knew we had a couple kids already when she got pregnant, and I've never divorced my husband. But she insists that I am a stepmother and "need to act like one", meanwhile, anything to do with our own children she never wants to hear about!...she said she "resents" them.

The thing is, I really don't have any problems with SS. He's almost 5 yrs. old now and he has been classified as PDDNOS, but as far as my husband and I see, there are no problems as a result of that when he comes to visit. I say this because BM says he has frequent tantrums and "can't function" if his routine is changed, and several times she has said he can't have overnights on certain occasions or can't follow custody
schedule because it would disrupt things she's been "doing for years". I should probably mention that my husband didn't find out paternity until June of 2004, BM had gotten a test on another man first, and it took over two years before a test was done on my husband. But my point is that SS has never had a tantrum here, or acted out. He has fun with his half-siblings, they learn together, and he certainly seems well-adjusted to it and happy. But she told his doctors that she has to "reassure" him when he comes to visit. I really think that is baloney, or something she is twisting.

So it's not problems with the SS I need to vent about...it's just her. This girl just drives me up the wall! What makes it especially hard is that I met her in middle school, and we became good friends (or so I had thought). We'd fight a lot sometimes, but I thought friends who are as close as sisters sometimes fight like sisters...so I didn't think much of it. To fast forward through everything for now~ my husband cheated on me with her after we were married, I didn't find out until 2 years later, I was her labor coach when she had him (yes, folks...how strange is that, I watched and helped SS be born without knowing he was my husband's child!) and went to the preliminary hearings with her at the local DRS when she went for child support. I found out about the affair shortly after that, and asked if there was a chance he was my husband's. She said No (she'd told him that too when they talked secretly), and IF he was it was "less than a 1 % chance".

So my husband and I worked very hard on repairing our marriage, we'd mutually decided to stay together, because we realized that there was and is still love there despite the situation. She also got married a 2nd time (she also has an older daughter with her 1st husband, she was separated from him when she had the affair with my husband) and has another son with that father. About a year after she got married is when she went to DRS against my husband. He tried many times to talk to her about things, seeing SS, providing for him....she would rarely respond, and didn't want to deal with each other face-to-face. But she got the support order going.

But after paternity was established and support was ordered to be paid every month, she still avoided discussions about my husband being involved with and seeing their son. She'd bring him over occasionally (about once every 3 or 4 months) for no more than 2 hours or so, but that was always to discuss things/argue between the 3 of us over support and all. Then she said that "if" my husband wanted to spend time with SS, then he should go over to her house, she wasn't going to bring him by here anymore. She'd moved further away before paternity was established, and we lost our vehicle...he's since had his license suspended because of the support, our family just can't afford that much in support. Her mom bought her a car, and she commutes between towns all the time. Not only is it hard for my husband to get to where she is, but we've been advised for him not to spend any time alone with her if he can avoid it...that's what our marriage therapy says. But she and her husband acted like I am being "paranoid" that my husband will cheat with her again, and that it's "stupid" for us to not want my husband spending time at her house. That's not even the reason my husband and I both feel he shouldn't go there alone.

What's bothering me most right now is just her utter hypocrisy! My husband got a custody order set in Sep. of 2005. It states for legal custody and 2 days a week that may be overnights, plus rotating holidays. But this whole time since the order, he's spent one month where he was here maybe 5 days out of the month. Some months he never came at all, every other month was once, maybe twice. He's only had an overnight twice, otherwise he is only here when BM is working, for about 9 hours. This Thanksgiving was the very first holiday he was here, before that he missed about 6 holidays of the order. Even then she said she would NOT follow order for Thanksgiving either...SS was supposed to be here 4pm Wednesday to 12 pm Friday, she said she was picking him up Thursday (Thanksgiving Day) at 7, the reason being that she wanted him to visit with her mother over the weekend. Before that she was saying he could only stay until 3! My husband told her that dinner wouldn't be done by then, it was only after much bickering that she "offered" to let SS stay until 7 ( offer being her word). It didn't matter what the order said, she told my husband to "take it or leave it", otherwise he wouldn't come at all!

But as much as she doesn't want to follow custody, she takes action to get my husband in contempt over support. He pays what we can, but for her and the courts it is not enough. Last year my husband did go to jail...he wasn't here for my birthday or our 2 year old's, he almost wasn't here for Christmas. And she always continues to give us a hard time over support money, but she gets away with going against custody order! She doesn't discuss things about SS with my husband, never lets him be involved in anything. When she mentioned about his baptism once, she said she had a Godmother picked out for him...one of her friends who also almost slept with my husband! When he said he didn't agree with her being the Godmother, she told my husband that "it was decided before you wanted to start 'playing Daddy', so butt out!". If it weren't for the money, I really don't think she would have anything to do with my husband anymore. But I don't think it's right that she uses SS to get money (and she yelled at me once in my house that the money comes to her, so she'll do whatever she wants with it and doesn't have to spend a dime of it on SS!), but she doesn't want to deal with my husband or me when it comes to anything else with SS. This is why I have such frustration.......