BM uses dress bought by my MIL to attend BM's husband's family wedding.
Once again, BM has to cause drama on our weekends. Unfortunately for me, I think my MIL and the BM cow are made from the same mold. My husband literally married his mother!
The story goes:
We have a wedding to attend for my husband's cousin. As usual, MIL insists she has to buy a new dress for SD, but on a side note offers to buy BD a dress as well knowing full well I would say no because I ALWAYS do (MIL has the worst taste in dresses for the girls. They always end up looking like little old ladies). So, MIL buys dress and then sends it home with SD. Apparently, BM had a wedding to attend to on her husband's side, too. She claimed that the dress she already had for SD was going to be "too cold" for her to wear....um, the weather was 80 degrees last weekend! MIL tells BM that she can wear this dress, but doesn't tell us she did this. This weekend, we get the dress balled up in a shopping bag along with SD's Halloween costume wig. The bag was then tied in a knot - something I do with the garbage I intend to throw out. So, to sum it up, BM gets a nice clean, pressed, new dress for SD to wear to her husband's hooten nanny, in return we get a used, worn, crumpled up ball of material to wear to the wedding it was originally purchased for...WTF? We called MIL about this. Of course, she didn't appear bothered at all about this. I guess I am more pissed because BM is constantly doing stuff to irritate us, I told MIL we already have dresses SD can wear. Also, we asked MIL if she bought shoes to go with this dress since she insisted on buying it, she told us that SD's mother can provide the shoes. We should have known that MIL bought the dress for both weddings at that point. Oh, and the shoes to go with this formal balled up mess???? Black flip flops!
I don't know, am I over reacting? I also blew up at 9 year-old SD because she had a smirk on her face the whole time. Geez, if I could only walk away from this whole mess!!
- sotiredoftheDRAMA's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Why are you worrying about
Why are you worrying about what she is going to wear...Let your husband deal with this. If they are going to behave this way and SD is smirking about it, then disengage from all of them. Worry about your BD and let him worry about SD and MIL.
I agree with Jsmom... I think
I agree with Jsmom...
I think you're too emotionally invested in all of this...It should be your DH's concern. If MIL wants to buy a dress for whatever event, that's her business to do so, IMO...The next person in line to care is your DH and for me that's where it stops...
The balled up dress in the bag...That's just the results of a trifling person, and shouldn't be viewed as an affront to you, IMO...
I agree with the above. I
I agree with the above. I deal with very similar issues to some degree...but ours is we buy my husbands kids their nice clothes for things like weddings and evenings out. My Husband pays CS and ALOT. So the CS money should be used to buy the kids their clothes, everyday and dress. But it's not. If these kids want clothes to wear while here we have to buy them.....so fine that is what we do. But now BM tells the kids to take their good clothes from our house to use at her events and then doesn't return them. If we ask the kids to bring their clothes back she won't allow them or they will go missing. I have two BS's and the clothes get handed down....she know's this so that is her game. It seems like some of these BM don't have a life beyond the fight. As for my husband he just doesn't want to play the game. So even if you step-away from it and have your husband deal with it....my guess is he won't because it is just stupid and men usually can't wrap there head around it, nor do they want to. The end result should be they just don't take the clothes in the first place, but my husband says he won't stup to her level, that the clothes are the kids and if they want to wear them then they can.... Period. I say what about when we need them for our event's he says that is then the kids problem when it comes time to go somewhere nice! The skids are SS13 and SD15, so they are now old enough. I have finally given in and we have gone places where his kids look like misfits. My husband says to them "well if you actually brought your clothes and made it a point with your BM then you would be dressed like your suppose to". I am not sure I agree with this but I have backed totally away and let him call the shots. It was hard at firts but that would be my suggestion for you as well....
I agree with stepdown. When
I agree with stepdown. When MIL "insists" on anything, smile politely, buy what you were planning on buying, and ignore her. That's what I do. My MIL is dead, but when she was alive she was a pushy PITA and I learned that it was easiest to let her think she was in control, and just do whatever I wanted anyway.
The weekend of my wedding I was going out of town for my honeymoon. My parents were going to be keeping my son, then barely 3. He scarcely knew MIL. She kept insisting that she was going to keep him for the weeken instead. I told her once that I had already made arrangements. She just kept insisting and
I refused to argue with her. When we were leaving my reception, I handed my son off to my mom, thanked her, and left. The End. MIL just stood there like "well I never".
Look dear, at least you're
Look dear, at least you're getting clothes back from BM.
IMO, this is one of those fights that's not worth it.
I agree and disagree with the
I agree and disagree with the others. As much as we all hate to admit it, no matter if the kid is ours or not, we, as women are held to the stereo type of caregiver. If the kid shows up looking like a slob, people are going to talk about the woman in the home. It is what it is.
So, in order to rectify this situation and not be stressed out about what MIL or BM do on BM's time, buy the kid a dress that fits YOUR standard. I think it will send a great message to your MIL and you can still come out smelling like a rose because you can always use the "I was concerned about SD" card.
Let MIL buy whatever she wants for the kid, but you don't have to let her wear it. Always have a back up just in case you either don't like what she selected or something like this happens in the future. BM is an ass for sending that dress back to you like that.
Thanks for the comments and
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I was so extremely furious when I wrote my first comment that I forgot to mention the fact that we already had beautiful dresses that SD could've worn. The problem was that we didn't know which would fit her, or even if the dress shoes we had fit. BM kept SD the whole weekend before, so when I discovered the "other wedding" issue, I was unable to act on it. I was not about to spend more time the day of the wedding for her to play dress up. What I wanted to do was bring the bag the way it was to my MIL and tell her to take care of it, but I thought it best not to be a total bitch in front of the family because I was not about to be brought down to the same level as MIL and BM. In the end, SD took the dress out of the bag to show me that the dress was already a crumpled mess because of the type of material that was used, but the ribbon on it was wrinkled. I discussed with her that the whole situation wasn't about the dress, but about the lack of respect BM shows for both SD and us. SD agreed that BM is always angry because BM and BMH fight a lot. I really could give a crap about that situation because BM got what she wanted, and doesn't deserve any better.
Totalybogus, you are right about SD's appearance and how it reflects upon me because it ALWAYS reflects poorly on the SM. We are considered evil and that we don't care about SD. To be quite honest, I try to separate myself from the whole situation, but I keep getting dragged into it.
Needless to say, when SD left today, she had the dress out of the bag and laid it ever-so-gently on a kitchen stool to get her shoes on. I asked her if she needed a bag for that, and she said "no." I said, "Well, I think you do." I grabbed a plastic shopping bag and put the dress in there and then tied it in a not. I said, "I just want to make sure your mother gets the dress back in the same condition she sent it to us." SD just looked at me - I think it was shock. Am I wrong? Maybe, but I am just doing onto BM as she has done on to me......she started it.
GET THIS.....MIL sends DH a text tonight stating that she wanted to spend QT with the fam, but felt uncomfortable because I "flipped her off!" WTF??? I definitely let her know I wasn't happy with her, but I treated her very well considering the situation. MIL knows me very well, so once again, her comes "martyr may I" to start some crap between BD and me.....do you believe this crap?
They are two of a kind. You
They are two of a kind. You are right, we do try our best to bite our tongues, but we get so disgusted with the situation that we sometimes lose control. I want to care, but every time I do, I get kicked. I attempt to disengage myself from these people, but I keep getting dragged back in.
I love that you sent it back
I love that you sent it back the way you got it. Bravo!!!
Thank you!!!!!!! I understand
Thank you!!!!!!! I understand all the rules and regulations entailed with being a SM. I totally understand the whole PAS because it is exactly what SD's BM is doing, which is something I shortly realized before remembering that I found this site. I know DH didn't agree with my decision. He thought it best to send it back the way we should have received it, but why? We weren't going to teach BM anything new. She knows, I am sure of it. BM and DH have been divorced for more than 7 years and it hasn't changed with the exception of adding me into her mix of evil doings.
I think you should have sent
I think you should have sent it back in good condition. Not to do her any favors, but it's always better to me be the better person. Also, by you sending it back the way you received it, she knows she got to you and is probably laughing about it now because she doesn't need it any time soon. She already used it.
Actually, the dress returned
Actually, the dress returned in the same condition wouldn't be what cued her in to the fact that she got to me, it would be the extreme blow up I had in the car when I took a look inside the bag.
No she probably just threw it
No she probably just threw it in the back of a closet and never thought anything of it. You are giving this BM too much credit. She doesn't value things and since it belongs to her and SD why should the SM value it any more than she did?
You did great and I love the fact that you pointed it out to SD. All it does is make her think without PAS'ing the BM. Good job...
I am sure your are correct
I am sure your are correct Jsmom. Also, it is Thursday and DH never received a nasty text, which is what usually happens after she drills SD about her weekend with us. Every Sunday night BM sits SD down and milks her for every detail of her weekend with us. She usually does this by playing the attention game. Poor kid lacks it big time at that house, so any chance she gets for QT she jumps at it. Although lately, I think SD has gotten wise to BM and her antics. Apparently, according to my BD, SD got into BM's text messages (because BM uses the phone as a baby sitter for her kids so that she has time to play on her Facebook). SD got an eyeful of the texts she sent to DH in which she called me plenty of choice words.