Stand up for me!
My husband and I are recently married, but have been together for 4 years, living together with his half time 9 year old son for 3 years. I have been very involved in SS's school and sports from the get-go, volunteering with school events, fundraisers, helping his teachers, being coach and assistant coach for various sports etc. Well, this week was SS's parent teacher conference, that I arranged, which DH and I planned to attend with no word on whether BM would go. So on our way there, she texts DH (because she has always been too immature to call for information) to see what time the conference was. DH told her, and stated that we were almost there. She, of course, was threatened that I was coming and told DH that only SS's parents should be at his parent teacher conference (I've been at all of them, even the ones she doesn't bother to show for). I'm not bothered by her comments, she's always been threatened by me because I have been a good step mom to SS, picking up her slack in all areas of his life (most recently making his entire Halloween costume when she never responded to SS about what he wanted to be). What bothers me is DH's lack of response to her inappropriate remark. Not only have I been a parent to SS for a while, but now DH and I are married, so I'm not going anywhere. Why couldn't he defend me? I know he doesn't respond to her crazy messages most of the time because he doesn't want to get in a pointless argument; this one wasn't pointless though. Defend me like I should be defended!
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Hmmmmmm...this one is hard.
Hmmmmmm...this one is hard. If she just wants the bio parents there, I can see that. Sorry, I know its not what you want to hear. I would just let them go if it were me.
And I would have no problems
And I would have no problems with that if that was discussed beforehand... We didn't even know if her or her loser husband were coming (she brings him to stuff that she has since asked for me not to be there). It's not like we could change our plans when we were a few minutes from his school. Any way, her attitude toward me doesn't bother me, it's the fact that my husband didn't defend why I had a right to be there, especially with my school involvement. He would have no problem with her husband being part of those things if he cared enough to be. Understand the frustration?
Next time schedule the
Next time schedule the conference and let bm schedule her own.
Not to burst your bubble but you have no 'rights' to be at parent/teacher conferences. That's not to say that FDH can't schedule his own parent conference and invite you to attend his conference, but if it is indeed a joint parent conference, nope, you are the intruder. Stepparents are not the parents. Your FDH has no 'right' to demand BM allow you to attend along with her. She can shut you out of the joint meeting. The school will back her up.
But the OP left out some
But the OP left out some really key info here. Did she attend? If her DH simply blew off BM's outburst and they attended as a couple, than DAMN SKIPPY he stood up for her!
But I digress, a step parent can't DEMAND to be present. Have your DH schedule separate conferences.
IMHO bm has no business
IMHO bm has no business demanding where you should or should not go. But I also think dh and bm have no business having joint conferences. Ask dh to schedule a separate conference.
I don't go to conferences unless dh/ysd request it. Osd is in college now. Dh is good about telling me what I need to know later.
Take pity on us poor teachers
Take pity on us poor teachers and schedule separate sessions next time. Having high conflict (even the most amicable of separated ones) parents in the one session can be quite the experience for us too, add a third party and its asking for an unproductive meeting. It can squirrel away the time available if we have to repeat things one parent may already know and the other doesn't. Your ideals may also be poles apart, what you may consider important may be irrelevant to the other party. Not that I've come across it but if someone other than the childs parents or legal guardians was wanting information then I would have to revert them back to the parent anyway.
I don't get involved with my SS's schooling past the going to sports carnivals, assembleys, open days etc, even though I have more clue than most. I'll certainly give my OH my thoughts, but only if he asks first.
Did no one read the original
Did no one read the original message? She is the one who arranged this particular conference and BM has a history of not showing anyway. If BM suddenly wanted to not see SM at a conference, SHE should have scheduled her own. BM certainly had no right to demand at the last second that SM spend the next hour and a half sitting in the parking lot which is what SM would have to do, getting a call like that just as they were pulling up to the school.
In this family the SM has a history of being at the conferences and arranging them. BM has a history of not bothering and not attending. Sorry, all my friends upthread, but BM does not get to suddenly upset the apple cart and demand SM waste an hour of her life in thumb twiddling.
What BM COULD have done was said, "Oh, I didn't know you'd both be there. I prefer to wait and schedule my own conference. I won't be seeing you tonight."
Her beef should be with her
Her beef should be with her DH actually. BM may have arranged it, whatever, but at a guess everything to do with it was communicated to BM via him. Bet he didn't say to her 'SM organised the conference for this time yada yada'.
Next time just get your DH to text, 'SM and I have made our appt for the conference, please arrange your own time.' The school would already be familiar with your family circumstances, it might pay to give whoever allocates the times/days the heads up that two is required for the student and you'd appreciate your time/date details are not disclosed. Its not rocket science. BM has no recourse, SM can do as she's always done.