Possibly unpopular view on PAS from a BM/SM
I completely totally agree that PAS exists, and have seen it used by custodial and non-custodial parents, both mothers & fathers. BUT...
I just got a call from my BS14's (Spooky) father's mother whining that they haven't seen BS much, do I have a problem, etc. For some background, we divorced when Spooky was 18 months old. since then, his father has managed to run up a 30K child support debt that he gets pissed off about me taking him to court about it, and blames me that he has contempt warrants out, though he didn't show up for court. He has gone over 8 months without ever even calling to check on his child, and it has been like 5 years since he called me and asked how Spooky is doing in school, his behavior, etc. He never calls just to talk to him, even though Spooky has his own cell phone & email address. Typically I'll get a text once or twice a month, usually from Spooky's SM, not his father, asking if they are going to pick him up. And that is the extent of the contact Spooky has from his dad between visits. I used to invite both dad & grandmother (and SM, I've never had a problem with her) to events like school concerts, but they never showed up, leaving Spooky feeling dissapointed. Now Spooky doesn't really care whether he goes there or not, won't go over there if he has school projects or something due (he knows they'll get torn up or something, another long story), and sometimes would just rather not be there (like when he's getting sick). Guess what dad? YOU managed to make him not care about whether or not he sees you, not me. You can't wait until you feel like it to be around, and then expect a teenager to want to spend time with you.
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Comments
I don't think that has
I don't think that has anything to do with PAS... that is more of a DBD issue. Dead Beat Dad... it sucks and it is sad that your son has to deal with it... unfortunatly, there are a lot of them out there.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I just figure that's what
I just figure that's what THEY think, that they are all blaming me, that I'm keeping him away because of the money issue, that I don't want him to see his son, blah blah blah....And the truth is that I had nothing to do with it, and would have loved to have had some support all these years...
Oh, I get what you are
Oh, I get what you are saying. Well... they can think what they want. You know the truth, right? So let them wallow in their misery.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I just wonder how many
I just wonder how many people saying PAS is the problem aren't taking responsibility for their own actions though...Did they do something to drive the child away, or hurt them, then say oh, it's his Mom that's the problem..she's alienating him from me...does that make sense?
Of course it doesn't make
Of course it doesn't make sense. But bio dad doesn't ever want to be made out as the bad guy. And who knows... stepmom may have been pumped full of a bunch of stories to make you out to be the bad guy before she came along... and she buys in to them I am sure... therefore you are the devil. Why would he tell someone that he is dating and wants to marry that he is a DBD... who would want to be with that?? NO ONE, so he lies on YOU, to make himself out the victim, and before you know it... you are a PASing b*tch, that is only out for the child support. Seen it happen a million times. Scum bags.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Punks dad, who is not a DBD,
Punks dad, who is not a DBD, will what feels like "forget" about his son for a month. I don't even understand that and like you Punks dad was out of the home when he was an infant and it doesnt seem to bother Punk when he doesnt hear from dad....which is sad, but good in a way too. I think Punk is just too busy to notice what either of his parents are doing, although he would certainly notice and YELL AT ME if I were to not speak to him for a month! The thing is, they do have a good relationship though.... but it completely weirds me out that a parent can "forget" about their kid for any period of time....its bizzare to me.
I don't get it either
I don't get it either jenjen! I don't want to be siamese twins with my child, but I can't help but call him when I'm out of town, just to make sure he's ok. I think Spooky has just kind of learned to take his dad as he is, sounds like Punk has too. "Dad didn't call? huh, no big surprise there...guess I'll go play Xbox." But I wonder how much of it they feel but don't express...
PAS is not a specific
PAS is not a specific definition IMHO. It is pretty much anything that alienates a kid from a parent ...... including behavior from that parent that is alienated from the kid.
My Son's (SS) BioDad is not technically a DBD. CS gets paid, though not by him. Visitation is exercised, though not by him. He sees my SS, though only a fraction of the exercise visitation time. Is BioDad a victim of PAS? ...... Absolutely, though at his own hand.
My SS is the victim of PAS also ...... at the hands of his own BioDad who perpetrates PAS on himself and my SS.
Freakish I know. But factual none the less.
We are not victims of PAS because we don't tolerate it and counter any attempted PAS in our direction with fact. Immediately, forcefully and consistently.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
True true... never looked at
True true... never looked at it like that. Just drives me crazy when parents have nothing to do with their kids then try to pin it on the only parent the kid really has. Never thought of it as PASing THEMSELVES. Crazy.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Well, in my opinion - he is
Well, in my opinion - he is PASing the kid towards himself. The father has to realize in order to have a relationship with his kid - he needs to work at it.
It just doesn't happen that you have a good relationship with your kid by default - it is work and takes time and effort.
He can only thank himself for his situation.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************