What a mess.
Any advice on what to do when SD12 yells that she wants to go to live with her sperm donor? He's currently 8 years behind on his $300/month child support so he owes nearly $30,000, DW won't pursue support because she's afraid that he will sue for custody (probably will). But she's getting more and more disrespectful to myself and DW. Sperm donor has apparently told SD12 that she's still a child and shouldn't be given responsibility. She used to be quite responsible but now thinks she's not supposed to do anything but wash her own clothes, which she usually leaves to sour in the washer. Claims we are making her raise the younger children if she's asked to look after them for 30 minutes. DW takes up for her and goes against me when I try to discipline her, ie: she continuously yelled over my wife while she was trying to talk to her about something she had done that she shouldn't have, and I yelled for her to close her mouth and not open it back up until her mother was through talking, and was told I was wrong for yelling.
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Let her clothes sour and let
Let her clothes sour and let her smell. Social pressure will likely make her change her mind about her clothes.
Let your wife get yelled at. Her daughter, her right to decide how she gets treated. Your wife doesn't want you to interfere, so don't. Leave the house if you have to, but nothing will change so long as your wife allows the behavior.
How is he a "sperm donor" if
How is he a "sperm donor" if he sees his kid regularly? and how is he the problem if it's your wife that undermines you in your own home? And if she won't enforce CS, then she's as big a problem as the father is, in that regard.
Let your wife handle SD12, she's not your problem. Sorry you are stuck there.
...
People who don't support their children aren't fathers in my opinion. Quitting jobs and working under the table to avoid paying child support makes you a piece of shit. She's wrong for not pursuing it, but his main life purpose is to spread discord. I accidentally locked SD12 out of the house one afternoon when I let the dogs in, not knowing she was out there. Apparently she tried to call while my phone was dead and left her key in the house, the week following he went on a rant about locking her out while she had to use the bathroom. He's a sorry sack of shit... I'll call him what I please.
Seems like your anger is
Seems like your anger is misdirected here, your wife is the problem. And I'm sure your SD senses your hateful attitude towards her father. He's not the only one trying to alienate her in this scenario. You aren't obligated to support her just because her father doesn't pay. Stop doing so and let your wife pick up the slack.
By that definition, there are
By that definition, there are a lot of BMs on this board who are not mothers....except they usually quit jobs or work under the table to keep receiving child support.
Also, if that's the only time he went on a rant, then you're lucky. The BM in my life goes on a rant nearly every week over anything that strikes her fancy.
Maybe he's ranting because
Maybe he's ranting because his ex and her new husband are trying to alienate the child from him by calling him a "sperm donor" while the BM is a lazy parent herself. Personally, I think women who won't set boundaries on their kids aren't mothers so let's call her an egg donor.
You really don't have many
You really don't have many options. Unfortunately....
I would start treating things as case by case... Natural consequences.
SD leaves laundry in the wash- leave them until you need to do your own laundry. If they are in your way, a pile of soured wet clothes goes on SD's bed.
How much does your wife contribute financially to the household? I would make sure she is paying 50/50 at a minimum. Start saving as much as you can so that if you do need to talk to an attorney later you are able to handle it.
Disengage from your SD, don't babysit, don't cook, don't do anything. Your wife created a mini monster- she needs to deal with her.
Funny you ask
She provides 50%. After she finished school and started working I wanted to split our checks 60% into a household account, and she told me that men provide so I should still be paying all the bills. But I told her that we were at least going to split everything 50/50 because I paid 100% everything for 3 1/2 years while she was in school and I wasn't going to be asking her for money after I spent my whole check on bills.
Women know things about other women that men don't.
You are CHOOSING to be used and abused. You are CHOOSING to remain in the situation. And now you're adding another child to the mess. UGH. Oldest trick in the book.
Look, I get it - life is complicated, and not everyone can just stroll from one life chapter to the next like going from the kitchen to the living room. But you NEED a plan. You NEED expert legal counsel so you can protect your interests. And you NEED to accept that your marriage has reached its expiration date.
Quit hating on your wife's exes. That's the kind of Captain Save A Hoe b.s. that keeps good men in bad situations working their butts off and handing their $$ over to women who don't deserve it. She is the one who chose to breed with losers before deciding to find a meal ticket. She's the one who is a shi!!y parent, and she's the one who ABUSES you in front of her kids.
Look, we've all made mistakes. But here's the bottom line: You need to save yourself. You need to get out, get a stable home, and petition the court for 50/50 custody of your child. Do you want your child to turn out like SD18? You've bred with a low class woman who will likely have more meal ticket babies by other victims, and she's going to try to squeeze every penny out of you for the next twenty years. At least make her do it from a distance.
You are your future child's only hope. Please get out so you can create a high quality life and a safe harbor for him/her.
I went back and read your
I went back and read your last thread too. Get out of the relationship and get in counseling. You're being used and abused. Paying child support for one kid and being able to live your own life and be happy will be worth it.
Honestly after reading what you go through I'm questioning if her ex's are dead beats or just don't want to deal with her or give her anything. (Not saying that that's right but it happens)
Or they are paying CS and she
Or they are paying CS and she's lying to OP about it. Wouldn't be hard to do, and wouldn't be the first BM to lie about how much CS they get.
Why don't you let her go live
Why don't you let her go live with her father? If she really wants to, then let her.
My DH is the NCP, but one of his kids is pretty alienated by BM. DH used to fight to make that child come to our home. Then after going through a 14 hour mediation where BM accused him of child abuse and accused both of us of spending all our time with the children talking about how much we hate her (neither of which are true), DH attended a counseling session with the child and told him, "I want to see you, but I won't fight with you and I won't force you to come to my house." BM also pitched a fit about that and then soon after, SS wanted to come over for extra time.
It's not quite the same, but have you ever tried saying, "fine, go live with your dad."
IT's my guess that the biodad
IT's my guess that the biodad will send her back soon enough when he sees how much it actually costs him to raise a teenager (she's close enough).
It also makes me angry that OP's wife won't go after her ex for CS so OP has to cover the costs! In what world is that "normal"? Her fears about custody changes are unfounded because courts seldom change the original order and even less often take time away from the mother ... unless there is good reason to.
Get yourself out of this hell hole, OP. And get yourself a pit bull of a lawyer to handle your divorce. You have a lot more going for you than you think. Also, please get screened (and treated for, if need be) for depression. I can't imagine voluntarily staying in this situation you have here ... What keeps you in it?
New theory that I listed
New theory that I listed above: BF has been paying CS and BM has been lying about it to keep OP paying for everything. Wouldn't be hard to fake if you really wanted to.
Good point.
Good point.
Nah
Nah, he owes $75-80,000 in back support to his first wife. She took him to court for years and they'd issue a warrant, he'd go pay $200 they'd drop it. I'd prefer he just sit in jail, it's felony refusal to pay. But can't find an attorney that will press for that, they just want to suspend his license and issue warrants and let him go after he pays a little.
Getting harder to answer that.
What was keeping me in it was the kids, but one is grown and the other is nearly there. But now there's one on the way so I've got to get things straight before I make any moves. I owned the house before we got married so I'm thinking I'd probably get to keep it.
I would
I would go let her live with him. I've had enough of people spitting in my face, mistaking my kindness for weakness, I told my wife if she couldn't be more respectful then I wanted her the f*ck out of my house. And that didn't go well. I even said I'd pay him the child support because I'm so damn tired of the way she's acting. So then I was reminded of how awful I am and how they've been through so much and I'm a piece of shit for even thinking of letting her go stay there.