Am I wrong?
Hey I've been with my wife for 12 years she had 2 kids when we met. The father was never in the picture a jailbird and drug addict. I raised the kids with her and he never helped with anything never called or bought one gift or anything their whole lives. No christmas no birthdays nothing. I'm a successful business owner she doesn't work we now also have 2 children together so there is 4 kids now. Last year their father died and couldn't believe the things my wife and everyone were saying to the kids telling them he loved them and was always there for them when it's just not true now my stepdaughter is making up these fake memories at this point I started to disengage with her kids and it started creating problems with me and my wife i lost my cool the other day during a fight with her and took to our friends and family for some input on how the hell he was a father to the kids apparently I was wrong for asking the simple question because from where I sit he owes 12 years of support and love to these kids. Am I wrong for disengaging with the kids and am I wrong for telling people he was nothing more than pos sperm donor?
Have you asked
Have you asked your wife why she is lying to the children and letting other people lie to them? Obviously it is not a great idea to be trashing him in a age-inappropriate manner but lying to them about who he was is not bright either. Eventually they will grow up and figure it out and that will cause major trust problems along with the host of "daddy issues." Why deliberately add things to an already complicated plate? There are ways to say that "daddy had problems - he could not do things that he wanted to in his life" that work for every age. Not to mention does not push away the only father they have ever known and potentially threaten to break up their family a second time. Your wife is not being very smart right now.
Yeah, I don't get it -
Yeah, I don't get it - presumably the kids KNOW he wasn't around, since it's their lives, so what's the point of lying about it? What does your wife say when you ask her?
On the other hand, OP, I also don't see the point in correcting everyone's delusion, except that perhaps you feel you should be getting more credit for being their father.
I appreciate the advice I
I appreciate the advice I dont know how this whole thing is going to play out but I'm definitely setting boundaries and I need to do this in a way that I can live in peace. An arguement that has been huge between us is I set up education funds and a trust for my kids am I a pos for not doing it for her kids? And just fyi the grandparents on the father's side have a lot more than I do but have never offered anything? Like I said before she doesn't work and she doesn't help with the business.
I'd keep my
I'd keep my powder dry on the trust fund issue until you get the other larger issue of what is going on with the daddy-myth and what your place is going to be in the family going forward sorted out. That is not a small thing and it sounds like there has been a rather seismic shift in the family dynamic since the father's death. You have every right to feel hurt at this point and to ask for some real answers from your wife. It is possible that there may be a need for some short-term work with a counselor to work through this with her if you are open to that. (I know not everyone is. I personally have not had good experiences with counseling but other people have considered it unbelievably helpful.)
I wish you all the best in working through this situation. Clearly you have a lot invested. This idiot dying and being cannonized as "loving daddy" after all of the day in and day out effort you have put in has got to seriously hurt.
"she doesn't work and she
"she doesn't work and she doesn't help with the business."
Why not?
Did she ever go after her ex for child support?
Oh, so Granddad has money.
Oh, so Granddad has money. That might explain why everyone is now pretending he was Father of The Year.
You are not responsible for her kids
Don't fall into that trap. Just disengage. No need to make an announcement. However, she should get a job so she is supporting her own kids. That is not and should not be on you. This isn't the 1950's.
This will give her funds to put aside for her own kids Education too.
Stop being daddy big bucks. Adults should be able to support themselves and their offspring.
You won't feel so taken advantage of once every adult is pulling their load.
Do not fund their education
College is a huge expense and you are doing more than enough for her kids. If she wants them to have a college fund, your wife can start working, otherwise they can take out student loans. This board is full of stories of skids who turn on SD/SM who has been a parent their whole childhood. Just say no. And yes you have the right to be angry about everyone blowing rainbows and sunshine up your skids a$$e$ about their pos father when you were the one who filled in for a loser/drug addict. I could not shut my mouth either!
The Kool-Aid never helped
The Kool-Aid never helped anyone. Stick to the facts. The kids will ultimately need them as they progress through the grief process. Your SO will need reminding of the facts as well. Her aggrandizing of the dead waste of skin is puzzling and does need correcting IMHO.
I am fortunate that my SS's POS SpernIdiot has not been martyred and is still plying his characterless bullshit with all of his kids and th rest of the community. Though no doubt when he does meet his end SpermGrandHag will purge her memory of all of his worthless characterless crap and go on a character recovery revision of history regarding her POS son.
I intend to be there with the facts when that happens.
Thankfully my SS clearly understands that the SpermIdiot is a waste of skin so the SpermIdiots demise should not have much impact on him. Though his mom and I will be there for him regardless.
How can a 12 yo
Not see that his bio father did not do anything. Where are the vacations, ball games, camping trips that bio father took them on ? If they don't see it these kids have bigger problems than you can handle.
Your DW telling them untrue story's about BF is disrespecting you and what you did. That the real problem.