What were your plans for your son's college education prior to getting married? What about the SKs? Will they be stuck with community college as well or have the option of going away and living on campus?

My husband and I did a spreadsheet every month (before I moved out).

We would keep track of which combined expenses we each paid for each month, including groceries, household bills, the mortgage, etc. At the end of the month I would calculate what our income ratio was (my income is static but his fluctuates). If he made 60% of our combined income and I made 40%, then that's how we split the shared expenses. So at the end of each month, one of us would owe the other money.

It worked for us and we didn't fight about money. I also stopped paying for anything for SD - if I did for some reason, my husband had to reimburse me 100%.

I would never combine my finances with my husband, given his financial obligation to BM/SD.

This works for us...DH pays the mortgage and insurance. I pay all of the other utilities. Makes it about half and half.

If I go to the store and spend 100 on groceries...DH either gives me 50 bucks or he goes to the store next time and spends 100 on groceries. And visa versa. We make about the same amount of money. Since your income are so different then you should look at cutting down your contribution. Unless your DS lives with you full time...

He knows I'm getting the short end of this and thinks joining will help.

Bull. There are other ways if he is really concerned about you getting the short end. He could just put more cash into your account to make up for it. Easy.

My DH and I have separate accounts. We use a credit card for groceries and household stuff and when the bill comes, I tell him what his portion is and add that to his part of the bills; then he puts that amount into my checking each month, since all the bills are auto pay from my checking account.

My DH is done with child support, so done with all the BM crap, and we still do not have one joint account.

I would consider what the benefit is first before you dive into it.

My SO and I aren't married, we have ZERO joint accounts together even though he wanted to. He makes twice as much as me.
But I'm a saver - he's a spender. And I haven't found any benefit to do so.
He pays the mortgage (he had bought the house before I knew him) and I pay the household expenses (utilities, groceries, insurance, childcare), it almost equals out. Except that what he pays has monetary value, what I pay has none.
I have 3 kids from a previous marriage to support - I am thrifty with them and DO NOT spoil them.
He has 1 kid from a previous marriage to support - he pays child support and also spoils this kid rotten.
We sorta share expense on the 1 child we have together.

Consider this - he opened a joint savings account with his retired mother with about $4k. I didn't know he was in arrears and about 6 months later it was emptied out. He told me about it all mad like I was gonna be on his side, but all I said was they only took what you owed, you are so lucky that was not MY money.

Edit: he pretty much spends all his money and has none left by the end of the month.
I'm able to put away $500 every paycheck (or 1k a month) into my savings account. And $50 a month to each of my 4 kids separate accounts as well.

It sounds like you guys are just barely making it, you say you're struggling, so I wouldnt worry about a judge coming after a joint bank account. Unless you're saving a ton of money, which it doesn't sound like you are, there won't be much to take. Savings can always go in your name privately.

The bigger issue is your DH needs to get realistic about finances. Maybe joining it will help him see that you both aren't making ends meet. I suggest you do a budget (I use YNAB but mint.com offers one for free) and get your DH on board. Once mine saw how little money we had for necessities all the extras to the skids stopped. Good luck!

If anything, I think that you should have three accounts. Yours, his and joint. Keep your normal money going into each personal account. Transfer a set amount towards the joint account for joint expenses. How you split those expenses is up to the couple to work out. Some are just 50/50. Some by percentage based on income or who's kids live with you or are there more often, etc.

But, with the turmoil that has been surrounding you, unless this is a BIG cause of your frustration with your DH, I would be hesitant on joining finances.

Could you tell him it is because then your income could be taken into account for skid expenses?

I don't think that this would work for you but we have everything joint, except for one savings account that is in my name but it is "our" money. When everything is ours there is no need to think of who is paying for what because we are both paying for it all.

However I only have 1 SD and my husband is earning way more than me right now (but though I bought a lot of money into the relationship which paid for our wedding, honeymoon, surgery for his daughter and a large down payment on our house as well as what small savings we have right now). So all together we are about even and it works for us.

For you with 2 stepkids to think about and your bio together with you not being happy with your husbands spending habits (particularly towards BM) I would suggest that you don't combine finances yet. Perhaps you can come up with some conditions that your husband works towards to changing his spending habits and agree that if he meets those for 6 months or a year you will seriously consider joining some of your finances and reassess the situation at that time.

Hell to the NO!!! Here's what I have set up. I have three credit union accounts.

Credit Union 1=where I deposit my pay and do 99% of the bills

Credit Union 2=A checking account set up in MY name with Chef's savings in it
Chef has his own account at this same credit union for his purchases

Credit Union 3=An account with equity I took out of my house in case of an emergency