Step mom to adults- Need serious help!
I thought being a step mom to grown children would be easier. they are 19, 20, and 24.. we can talk right? well, no. they are passive aggressive. I am constantly left out of events, pictures. there is not a single picture of me on their facebook pages and their dad and I have been together for 10 yrs. I had organized a father's day dinner for them and their significant others. All I asked for was their phone numbers so I could contact them and invite them myself. No one sent me their numbers. I was once again ignored. I cancelled the dinner. they were pissed. But you know what? act like a 5 yr old, you will be treated like a 5 yr old. I am taking my life back!
My husband was really upset. But I am running out of options here. Any advise? Please help!
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Comments
If they don't give you their numbers
Why would they expect to be invited.
I think facebook is the devil, and would advise staying off it
response
because it was a father's day dinner.
Did they expect you to send by carrier pidgeon??
And dad should not have to send out invites to his own fathers day dinner!!!!
Agree
I was sending the invites to the skids' boyfriend and girlfriend respectively but turns out they dont want me to have their phone numbers either
kinda bordering on stalking
To ask for GF and BF phone numbers. I dont like FB, but would have sent private messge to Stepkids inviting.
how is this stalking?
We know the bf and gf, we have met them both
and we have the skids cell numbers why go through FB?
Stop extending yourself above
Stop extending yourself above and beyond to grown adults that ignore and disrespect you. If they want to do something for their father on Father's day let them, if not you do your own thing with your H and do not engage. It's clear based on their actions how they feel about you. Let it go and let your H deal with his passive aggressive kids.
Agree!
THank you. I needed to hear this. I try so fucking hard for them to like me and it always ends up on my face.
How do you know they were
How do you know they were pissed?
group messaging
well. my husband has never kept anything from me, we both share passwords to phones emails etc. on fathers day (the following day from the dreadful dinner) his phone was ringing, I went to get his phone and his usual 4 pin code didnt work. I tried my usual pin code and it didnt work so I woke him up and asked him why he had changed his phone pin code and he just wouldnt talk about it. we didnt speak until a day later. He said the son and daughter group texted him to tell him that they didnt want to share their significant others' phone numbers for different reasons (one- their relationship was too new and 2. something about me still talking to the son's ex---- whom by the way is a sweet girl and still texts me and my husband!) but I am the only one in trouble here. they also added other things that my husband felt would be hurtful for me to hear so he locked his phone and then deleted the messages.
You wouldn't have to tell me
You wouldn't have to tell me twice to step back..lol. In the future.. THEY can plan their father's day celebrations with their daddy. It's not your job.. and you tried to take it on.. deal with difficult people and it blew up. No thanks for the future.
They are adults. They can have a relationship with whomever they please.. and they don't need to with you if they don't want to. My SD's don't have pictures of ME on their facebook pages and we actually have a GOOD relationship. Can you imagine the loyalty bind that might put them in with their mother? I'm sure BM has laid a foundation against you.. you can't fight that power unfortunately.
What you can do is stop lighting yourself on fire for people who wouldn't waste their spit to put you out.
Agree
thank you. You guys are amazing. I have been trying so hard for people who want nothing to do with me. they have always seen me as a threat and when their dad finally packed up and moved 400 miles to be with me. no one was expecting it so they are all bitter and angry taking it on me.
Were you requesting the
Were you requesting the stepkids phone numbers, or was the request for the bf/gf/so phone numbers?
Surely your DH has his own children's numbers.
skids bf/gf phone numbers
skids bf/gf phone numbers.
The only reason my husband got involved is because the s and d were not respinding to my texts, he thought they would respond to his... joke on him. they didnt respond to his text either. My husband lets them run all over him. I think instead of texting and requesting, a more direct approach should have taken place but they are not my chidlren so...
All my skids do this passiv agressive thing
with no contact and they reinitiate contact when they need favours or money. Yup sd23 & ss21 are still like this...
i keep out of it. In fact yesterday was ss21 21st birthday and my sil. I wished a happy birthday to my sil but nothing for ss. Why should i? He’s openly told everyone i’m a stranger and that he is incapable of showing affection to our 2 kids (his half siblings) when his dad told him it hurt him heeps when ss shuns us 3. Heck all my skids shun everyone
i would have just planned a nice intimate thing together because thats the family unit, the ones activrly in contact acting as a cohesive unit most of the time
out of town
I agree. the fact of the matter is that we live 400 miles away. I do have some guilt over their dad moving in with me. so I was trying to do something nice. But all of you are right. If they wanna see him, they can come to our house or plan something and invite him. Ironically, my daughter (not his BD) was the first one to text him happy fathers day!
They don’t want a relationship with you.
So you disengage from them. Don’t do anything with them. If they don’t invite you, you do not invite them for anything. No gifts, No money, NO anything
I love you~!
You ladies are bringing me back!
I am so glad I joined this group. The oldest daughter doesnt speak to me at all. My husband hasnt seen her in almost 2 yrs. she may text him on holidays but WE always send her a birthday gift, xmas etc. well, she sends him a thank you note and excludes me. I am sure most women do the shopping, my husband rarely does. I used to send her a check (it even came from MY personal bank account) no thank you.... nothing but she did cash it. But you all have given me the strength to stop. I am done bending over backwards and bending over to just get "used"
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Spend your energy and time on
Spend your energy and time on people who DO want to have a relationship with you.
Last night
So last night I found out a little more of what the group texts were about. Myhusband cannot remember much because according to him he just briefly scanned through them but something about I have managed to put his son and daughter down when my husband is not around. Which I find absolutely crazy. First of all, these are not vulnerable, defenseless little children and I somehow find a way to do this behind my husband's back? we visit maybe everyother month for 2 days (saturday and leave sunday) there is no time for this... but what bothered me the most is that my husband did not question it, did not ask for details, he wants to be the peace keeper and doesnt want to upset anyone or cause any more problems but I am the one taking all the heat.
I’ve been in my SS19’s life
I’ve been in my SS19’s life for 9 years, and if you asked him, he’d say he likes me, I’m guessing. He’s never been rude or disrespectful to me.
But I don’t ever text him or he me, and I don’t expect him to have pictures of me anywhere, I’m not his parent. I’m guessing part of why he likes me is that I just stay out of stuff. I’m nice to him, but I don’t try to be any kind of parent. I didn’t remind him of father’s day, why would I?
I think you are expecting too much of your skids.
about the same!
yes, I have been in their life about the same. and things had been about the same... but since he moved to my state about 2 years ago we have to plan trips to see them (he also has a granddaughter and a house) teh problems started. The son has always been ok. we chat about superficial stuff, he likes my cooking so I cook breakfast for him when I am there and he then he is gone. He has never been rude or disrespectful to me either, maybe ignored a couple of my texts and this has been recently...and I think it is tied to the new girlfriend drama that I have not started sharing yet. expect on the last response. so the new girl is 7 years older than him (he is only 20). we got her a late xmas gift because even though we met her befor exmas, son did not announce their dating until after xmas. trying to be nice, DH suggested we get her a gift. well, we give her the gift and she leaves the gift at our house.... sat there for months. next time we visit, gist still there and she is acting a little stand offish.
The trip to their hometown on father's day we make so he can see his kids. it wasnt about reminding them about father's day! they are old enough to remember.
That's funny, my SS19 is
That's funny, my SS19 is dating a woman 7 years older, as well! But I haven't met her, DH has though. That's the kind of stuff I stay out of, they all went out to dinner and I didn't want to be part of it. So I'm still confused why you were texting him instead of DH doing it?
Really, I think you just have to see yourself as "Dad's wife" and be content with them liking you OK.
What bothered me the most is
What bothered me the most is that my husband did not question it, did not ask for details, he wants to be the peace keeper and doesnt want to upset anyone or cause any more problems but I am the one taking all the heat.
Your H is not supporting you and by that I mean standing up and owning his truth, having a voice that he is remarried and living his life. Disengage from his kids and have NOTHING to do with them. Let your H travel to spend time with them but create boundaries and protect YOUR space at all costs. You can't rely on your H to do it, so you have to take control and get your power back.
I just read back through some
I just read back through some responses above... and I think there may be some validity to the Skid's complaints.
1. Normally when you invite people for a social occasion (FD meal).. you would invite the skids.. and tell them.. "of course your SO is welcome also". I don't see the need to get their SO's information. When you send a wedding invitation you just send it to one address.. for a couple??
2. You and your DH are maintaining a relationship with one of the kid's EXES? She may be a lovely girl.. but honestly, I am against maintaining those kids of relationships.. it makes people uncomfortable.. and is somewhat seen as a betrayal.
That you cancelled because you couldn't get the Skids to give you their SO's info? that seems a bit off to me. If the Skids said they could make it and were giving you a headcount on who they were bringing? I don't see why you would cancel?
background...
I see your point. I think giving you a little more information would help. We do not maintain that kind of relationship with the ex girlfriend, she may text a happy birthday or such.. not like you may think. The new girlfriend has been a little odd. My husband and I gave her a really nice gift and she "left" it at our house, the gift sat there for months... someting is going on but we dont know what . I am sure the plot will soon unfold. we couldnt just ask for one significant other's phone number so we asked for both. but we really wanted to talk to the new girlfriend to get a feel for what was going on.
cancelling was more a matter of principle. this is not a first that I/we ask for something and they dont do it. my DH is a lovely man, they walk all over him, he is soft as soft can be. does not want to hurt anyone's feelings but mine end up being hurt all of the time.
Ok.. I still maintain that
Ok.. I still maintain that cancelling the meal because they wouldn't give you their SO's number was petty.
I mean, you do admit you didn't want to just "invite" the woman.. but wanted to dig for info.
I think the right thing to do would be just invite the Skids.. let them invite whatever SO they have and let it go at that.. each boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't need a personal invite from you.. really they don't.
She may have felt awkward about the gift... if she didn't get one for you.. may have not liked it.. may just be a weirdo..
not really
we wanted to offer the gf her a personal invitation in hopes that the tension would dissipate when she would come on the day of the dinner. We were not planning to "dig" for information during the call!
I believe everyone has different views and yours is perfectly fine, but we chose a different alternative. could we have done it differently, of course.
Each person may not "NEED" a personal invitation but if we wanted to extend that and we are the host/hosteses we also have that option. Really we do.
even if you feel awkward about a gift, common courtesy, you take the gift with you. trash it, dump it, regift etc. you dont leave it at their house!
Cancelling the dinner was a matter of principle for me, I respect the fact that they didnt want to share their SO's information and that is ok. But there should be communication i.e. let me know you feel uncomfortable sharing it etc. not just ignoring our texts (DH's and mine) or saying I will send you their numbers but never did ---- and expect to show on saturday night with their SOs as if nothing happened.
it is a lack of respect for their dad, me, and our home
I think it's weird too that
I think it's weird too that you wanted to call his SO directly.
You can invite people however you want, but if it annoys your guests, you might want to re-think it.
will never know...
well you are entitled to your opinion.
and we will never know if the gf was annoyed because she never got a call from us.
and it wasnt like we were calling 20 people, we were calling 2! not strangers, DH's BD/BS SOs
not just random people.
It annoyed your skids. You
It annoyed your skids. You are asking us for help with this problem, but you won't let go of the idea that you are not doing anything wrong here, that it's all on them.
But, see that's the thing..
But, see that's the thing.. you don't even KNOW if there is tension with the new GF. Honestly, what you and your DH did by getting her a Christmas present AFTER Christmas when she has only recently been dating your son? That's kind of awkward territory in itself. I mean, she didn't get you or your husband anything did she? Then after that... you don't think that your Stepson might have misgivings about providing his girlfriend's personal phone number to someone that may overstep or make things worse by trying to 'dissapate" the tension? I mean, she may just naturally be a bit concerned due to the age difference.. but a direct call from you isn't gonna fix that anymore than you saying to the SS "Dinner on Sunday is at 5PM.. and tell GF we are looking forward to seeing her there if she can make it"... see how he can pass on to her that she is welcome? No dealing with icky possible awkwardness.
Yes you can invite people "individually" to parties.. but usually couples are invited as a unit with one invite.
Your DH can want you to be in a "mommy position" his kids who are adults are free to choose what relationship they want.
I think it is absolutely odd to call a child's SO directly to give them an invite. It even presumes that there may be more "weight" to the relationship than there might really be.
The problem is that you and your DH risk spinning this whole situation out of control.. it already is headed in that direction when you cancelled the party over a completely normal reaction from the Skids. If you really want to fix it.. manage your expectations on relationships and apologize for the petty cancellation.
well, we do know... BIG NEWS~
we met the girl about 9 months prior and we had all gone out, SS, DH, SD, girl, and some other friends... at that time she was introduced as a friend and everything was ok. we were told 6 months later they were officially dating but didnt want to tell anyone because of the age difference. so that is when we decided to get her a gift, it was her birthday that week too (we didnt put a label on the gift) we just use the excuse to give her a gift) why is that so wrong?
and since the first time we met her until recently there was an obvious change that we all noticed.
and according to them, there is more weight to the relationship, they are moving fast and talking about building a house next year and getting married...
go read the uodate on the old vs new
Just write them off. No sense
Just write them off. No sense in trying to incorporate nasty people into your life. Let your Dh see them away from you.
I think you and your husband
I think you and your husband should stay out of the dating lives of his children. No need to have contact info for the SOs of his kids unless it's offered to you. No need to contact the girlfriend to try to figure out what's up. As the son, I'd find that creepy. And if someone has to gather contact info, let it be your husband. You didn't need the SO info to invite them to dinner - those invitations could have been extended through the skids. You wanted them for something else, so no reason your husband couldn't have asked for them.
All of that said, I'd disengage. These kids don't want to have much to do with you. If you want to accompany him to his old town, go for it, but don't try too hard with the kids. It'll only cause you grief.
Yes, I have no idea even what
Yes, I have no idea even what my SS's GF's last name is, and if I texted him to ask her contact info to invite her somewhere, he'd think it was really weird, and most likely - ignore me. DH wouldn't even do that with him.