Dilemma
Got a bit of a situation that has been bothering me for a few months now. A bit of back story first.
My DW was a teenage mother.
She fell pregnant from losing her virginity to a charming bar-tender/paedophile whilst on a family holiday. Her father is something of a tyrant and often dragged her around by her hair when she was young. So she hid her pregnancy of the whole term and her parents didn't find out until the baby was born in her bedroom. Out of fear from her father she for some reason decided to fabricate a story about how she fell pregnant by a lad her age she met on a trip with her school to Liverpool. She told this story to everyone (even her son) apart from her Sister.
So now my SS is 12 and still has no idea about his BF.
A few months ago my DW and I were in our local kebab shop when the group of guys behind the counter started a bit of banter with my DW and said they exact name of my SS's BF and the name of the bar and resort he worked in. My DW became visibly panicked and left rapidly followed by me incredibly confused. It was then that she confessed to me about the truth about my SS's BF.
So now I know the truth i'm starting to worry a bit that if these guys knew the truth then there is a great possibility that my in-laws and SS will eventually find out the truth and my DW life will come crashing down around her.
So i've had a chat with her and tried to persuade her to confess to the in-laws and SS the truth rather than them find out off of someone else. She won't even consider it though and gets extremely defensive about it. She seems to be fearful of her father still despite being nearly 30.
So i've now tried to talk her into speaking to a councillor or psychologist about the situation as holding a secret like this for 12 years could screw with your head. My DW is a very strong character yet I think it's a front she has created to defend against her Father and this lie.
I really don't know what I can do or say to try and convince her that I really think she should just get it all out in the open whilst her son is still young (12) and able to deal with things like this. I'm afraid that if he finds out in late teen to adulthood that it will scar him forever and may cut contact with my DW forever.
What is everyones view on this? Should I just leave it and let things progress or should I keep trying to convince her or get her to seek professional help?
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Comments
I agree that she should get
I agree that she should get it out in the open. However, you can't force her. I would def say the part bulletfroof said about loving her no matter what. She is also probably afraid her DS will want to meet his Dad and that it would be too painful, or she would lose part if not all of him, etc. She may plan to wait til he is 18, or never. You can only give your opinion, love her, and hope and/or pray for the best. IMHO
I've had experience with this
I've had experience with this from your wife's perspective. It is a terrible, terrible shock to be "outed" in any way, even by "random chance" of overhearing this conversation. The discussion of who should be told about what when and where is way, way, way far ahead of this moment. Your wife deserves her privacy as she finds a way to be with this information with someone else (you). Counseling is the very first step, for her to find her story with this. You become the guardian of the safe space of her process. When young girls endure abuse, especially sexual abuse, and then find a way to grow forward with their lives, it takes a very secure and safe relationship with a partner to allow this work to occur. Hold the supportive space for her to get help to do her work. Telling anyone else is the tail of this dog. Because she needs to find her strength and her story and her support to even know what she must say.
My own daughter was 22 when it was the right time to tell my stories of family sexual abuse to her. In all her growing years, my job was to keep her safe, allow space for her to develop her own healthy relationships with family and friends, and not project my past upon her. It was finally at a family party that she was attending by herself that she asked my brother, what's up with this dynamic between mom and so-and-so. He had the one moment of truth in his life to say, you need to ask her directly. And then we had our talk. And that was enough.
Ever story will play out differently. but what is so important is that your wife have the support to work this through for herself first. we all deserve that chance.
Yes her family live 1 street
Yes her family live 1 street away and drink in the same pub etc. Yes the remarks were made directly to my DW, they said they know a guy who she has been with when she was younger (this guy also lives about 2000 miles away so the odds of them actually knowing him are very very slim). I have no idea what his father looks like, He is Turkish and doesn't even know he has a son. The local lad was made up, he didn't ever exist (i'm guessing she created him so that he could never be found). No father pays child support. I have taken him on and support him entirely whilst also paying child support for my bio daughter.
No, my mother-in -law is
No, my mother-in -law is great. She is the total opposite to her Dad.
I think there's more your DW
I think there's more your DW is not telling you. Did you actually witness these guys bantering with her? If, by an incredible 1/1,000,000 chance they mentioned the first name or surname or even both names of a Turkish bartender she had met some years ago, why should it be the selfsame man as she remembers? How would THEY possibly be linking anything to her? Even if HE had confided anything in them, how would THEY identify this anonymous woman in their shop? The story sounds foolproof if she does not want to be outed, UNLESS they have some other way of identifying her -- like stuff she has not told you.
If I had had a baby from a complete stranger who was now irrelevant, and was in fact someone whom I hated for the criminal act he had done, I would most certainly not be telling anyone who would tell my child, as the child has enough to deal with what with being the child of a one-night stand, which is what it virtually is and is being passed off as. The rest of the story is most certainly best left well alone,for the child's sake. I'd say the pair of you should follow the rule of golden silence. If you want a secret spread around, then tell someone else. You both should tell no-one. As soon as you tell anyone, you risk their spouse knowing and then their best friend. Ultimately a woman in your wife's situation loses control of the information and, in the worst case scenario, is scorned by irrelevant strangers. Do you want that for her?
It's not her older family who matter here, it's the child and her own sense of privacy and dignity. Definitely don't encourage her to tell anyone and now the pair of you just pretend to yourselves this conversation did not happen.
I would not delve into this further if I were you because there is a chance you could throw this in her face at a difficult moment and wreck your own marriage.
As for her father, I would support her in your shoes if she wanted to cut him off for ever. What a child abuser.
Yes I witnessed what they
Yes I witnessed what they said. I had no idea what they were on about and just seen my DW reaction which caused me concern and raised questions, which in turn led to the truth coming out to me.
I have had to talk about it as i'm still a little raw to the fact that she lied to me in the first place. I'd have been fine if she had told me that she wasn't ready to tell me the details at the start of the relationship and i'd have accepted that until she was ready to tell me rather than find out 8 months into our relationship that I had been told one big lie.
I believe from experience that honesty is the best policy and that lies always lead to more lies and distrust. I have always been totally open and honest with my DW and I believe that has been one of the strongest bonds and foundations of our relationship. In a previous relationship I hid things like perfectly normal porn (which my then GF didn't agree with) which then caused big problems when she found out about me owning them. So with this relationship I have always valued the importance of the truth and honesty. I just hope this is the only thing I find out that she has hidden from me.
As for her father she doesn't really have a relationship with him but my SS does, he has been his father figure in his life until I came onto the scene and she will never cut him out unless he starts treating him like he treated her. I'll say this in his defence though, he is great with my SS and genuinely think he has changed from how he used to be.
Well my view personally is
Well my view personally is that her sister has told one of them. She has been drinking with these guys a few times and I personally think it's the only feasible explanation of them knowing the BF name and where he worked. I'm not sure if they know the whole story or just the man that she slept with, but either way it took my DW by surprise and gave her a reason to tell me the truth.
Well I have had a long talk with her tonight about it and she's totally stubborn and defensive about the subject. It was slightly frustrating talking to what was essentially a brick wall but I've told her that she doesn't need to lie or be afraid of anyone finding out as I'll always be there for her. I also reassured her that I would respect whatever decision she decides to make. I think she has built this mental castle around the subject and she won't lower the gate for anyone. I just have to accept this.
Thanks for all your opinions, I have taken them all on board and it has helped me greatly
Kind of related..my oldest
Kind of related..my oldest grew up from the cradle knowing that she attended her parents' wedding. It was a natural honest truth.
Maybe your wife can explain that the child was concieved in love but culture/committments/distance caused him to be raised with her. Simple. Easy. Complements the truth and lays a solid (loving) foundation for whatever the child might find out later.